how to control anger...

[identityUpgrade]

I know anger is negatively impacting my life and relationships. I'm sure some of you have had problems with anger in the past. How did you learn to control your anger?

 

[Inbocca]

I had to learn the hard way, unfortunately. I was never good at managing stress and was fired from my job after several customer complaints of me losing my temper. After that, I got a job working in customer service at a call center. We had a mute button we could press at any time, which honestly saved my job more times than I could count. There were a few times when I accidentally had it unmuted when I wanted it muted and said something I shouldn't have - just another reminder that I couldn't afford to keep a temper like that. What really did the trick, though, was talking to all those angry people who were taking their petty problems out on some random dude over the phone who was trying to help them. I see that job as a sort of penance, because it put me in the place of everyone I'd ever blown up on. I saw how stupid and out of control they sounded, and absolutely none of it was fixing their problem. Sometimes they would make a decision in anger that would make the situation worse. Another thing I noticed was that regardless of the damage their anger did, it always put them in a mental state that was so counterproductive to fixing the issue. That pretty much killed my temper.

That, and the shit ton of weed I was smoking.

 

[Richard]

Well, the best thing to do is recognize what triggers that anger; in most cases anger is just the emotional response to thoughts and feelings of powerlessness. Whenever people are put in a situation where they "feel" they have no control/convince themselves they have no control then the natural response is anger; the real question is, are you ever actually powerless in any situation? No!

The other thing you can do is actively vent out that anger in healthy ways; when I first got into pick-up (and joined GirlsChase) it was because I was angry with my then-girlfriend who told me she wanted to fuck somebody else and that anger I had towards her became my fuel and I used that to learn to approach women and take them to bed. It's no different than keeping a journal, writing a letter to somebody and then setting it on fire, etc. There are a plethora of healthy ways to vent your emotions.

-Richard

 

[identityUpgrade]

I had to learn the hard way, unfortunately. I was never good at managing stress and was fired from my job after several customer complaints of me losing my temper. After that, I got a job working in customer service at a call center. We had a mute button we could press at any time, which honestly saved my job more times than I could count. There were a few times when I accidentally had it unmuted when I wanted it muted and said something I shouldn't have - just another reminder that I couldn't afford to keep a temper like that. What really did the trick, though, was talking to all those angry people who were taking their petty problems out on some random dude over the phone who was trying to help them. I see that job as a sort of penance, because it put me in the place of everyone I'd ever blown up on. I saw how stupid and out of control they sounded, and absolutely none of it was fixing their problem. Sometimes they would make a decision in anger that would make the situation worse. Another thing I noticed was that regardless of the damage their anger did, it always put them in a mental state that was so counterproductive to fixing the issue. That pretty much killed my temper.

That, and the shit ton of weed I was smoking.

Yea... when I posted a few days ago I realized how destructive anger is and how in stubbornness you become trapped by it. I am usually an incredibly logical by nature, but when I become angry I don't think things through anymore.

The craziest realization I've had is that anger has the power to distort your thoughts so strongly. When I am angry I see the world in a very unhealthy way. Normally I understand that everyone has their own motives for their actions, but when angry I feel like people are out to get me.

I don't want to hurt people I care about just because I'm in a bad mood. Thanks for the advice InBocca!

---

Well, the best thing to do is recognize what triggers that anger; in most cases anger is just the emotional response to thoughts and feelings of powerlessness. Whenever people are put in a situation where they "feel" they have no control/convince themselves they have no control then the natural response is anger; the real question is, are you ever actually powerless in any situation? No!

The other thing you can do is actively vent out that anger in healthy ways; when I first got into pick-up (and joined GirlsChase) it was because I was angry with my then-girlfriend who told me she wanted to fuck somebody else and that anger I had towards her became my fuel and I used that to learn to approach women and take them to bed. It's no different than keeping a journal, writing a letter to somebody and then setting it on fire, etc. There are a plethora of healthy ways to vent your emotions.

-Richard

I definitely agree with you on the root cause of anger. In my case I've been frustrated by a wrist injury that is putting the breaks on my life (I need to type to make money, and I don't want to aggravate the injury by typing too much). So I've been unable to lift weights or write copy and the constant nagging pain is a constant reminder of my problem.

I like the suggestion to write out my thoughts, I've already been writing out positive thoughts at the start of the day, and I think doing this could help me find out what causes me to get angry and be more proactive in dealing with these situations.

Thanks for the advice Richard!

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So far I've decided that if I ever feel like I am getting frustrated I am just going to go off the grid (put my phone into airplane-mode) and take some time to breathe deeply and think about why others are making the decisions they are. Realize that they are just doing what they think is best and I can only control myself.

Thanks to both of you for the responses, it's great to hear other people's thoughts on this!

 

[Richard]

I definitely agree with you on the root cause of anger. In my case I've been frustrated by a wrist injury that is putting the breaks on my life (I need to type to make money, and I don't want to aggravate the injury by typing too much). So I've been unable to lift weights or write copy and the constant nagging pain is a constant reminder of my problem.

I like the suggestion to write out my thoughts, I've already been writing out positive thoughts at the start of the day, and I think doing this could help me find out what causes me to get angry and be more proactive in dealing with these situations.

Thanks for the advice Richard!

Interestingly enough, just a few minutes ago I was reading Creatures of a Day by Irvin Yalom, a prominent and renowned psychotherapist who's still practicing in his early 80s. The book, itself, recounts numerous stories and tales from a great many clients he's had. Anyway, I felt my phone buzz and checked my email, read what you wrote and felt compelled to respond =P

Everybody has to deal with this whole notion of feeling powerless in some situation because I'm going through it now. I, recently, broke up with my girlfriend and while I know it's for the best because I cannot give her what she wants and she cannot give me what I want I was bombarded with thoughts of her cheating (she showed signs), her making me feel like I was insignificant and basically... from being with her I was forced to confront things about myself that I've neglected to take a look at and the notion that I couldn't make her acknowledge me or see me as valuable, etc. resulted in me feeling nothing but powerless and incredibly angry towards her.

I'm getting passed it by looking at the situation and reflecting on how it's impacted me. Once I was able to realize that "I felt insignificant and expendable" I could dive into it and, through a little self-therapy, come to grips with it and move on from it. The problem is that people tend to take these things that make us "feel" powerless and latch onto them, replaying the same thoughts, pictures, and emotions in our head until we no longer think about them; by working through your emotions and processing them deeply they longer control you... and that's what the writing and other suggestions are for.

-Richard