How to deal with a coworker who flaked on me?

[SChainz]

Hey

This might be kind of long but I'm not sure how to play this. I know the "don't shit where you eat" advice applies here, but I've also slept with a lot of colleagues before (with no awkwardness) including one where it went on for a year, and my office has a lot of relationships - this is what happens when youre all in your 20s and spend 12h a day together.

I matched a girl on hinge about 6 months ago, we connected well but never met up due to us being locked down in different cities due to covid and it died out (I don't really text girls unless were meeting up).

Then one day she moves back to my city and turns up as my new team member at work (Sales job).

Let me preface this by saying: I'm successful and well respected in work, I dress well, I'm 6'4 and lean/very muscular and have a decent face - I have a reputation as a bit of a fuckboy when it comes to girls. I'm not saying this so people will think my anonymous account is cool, it's so you understand I am someone women are generally quite attracted to on the surface, and I'm not a rookie who doesn't know the difference between casual flirting and actual sexual tension. I'm also still dating other women and not only thinking about this one, but I see her every day so I'd like advice.

From day one we've flirted a lot - she makes excuses to touch me, rubs her ass on me when she walks past, makes sexual innuendos etc. all the time (i know this stuff can be faked because they like the attention so this doesn't necessarily mean she likes me).

I've also seen her doing stuff that isn't faked - noticed her checking me out from the corner of my eye, little bits of body language when we speak, staring into my eyes in silence for 5-10 seconds at a time, flicking between my eyes and lips when I talk. She showed me a nude of her one time on her phone, says what a great body i have, she's discussed us having sex and said "if we do you can't tell anyone!" and loads of other things. She asks me to go to lunch with her a lot, she even bought me a nandos just to convince me to go there with her even though I earn 5x her salary.

She's been seeing someone for like 2 months, but said it's not going anywhere, she's not getting invested, it's just good sex.

All of my colleagues constantly ask what's going on and say they see so much tension between us, they sometimes feel uncomfortable hanging around with us 2 because they can see how much we want to fuck.

I arranged a date with her on Friday for this Tuesday evening, but then on friday evening we had some work drinks and i ended up taking another colleague home.

I spoke to a female friend the next day, and stupidly took her advice - I sent a text saying I shouldn't have done that in front of her and saying i hope she's still good for Tuesday. This was fucking wet and not how I normally act and it made it sound very serious all of a sudden, then her response was "i didn't see it and i wouldn't have cared if i did. I don't want to lead you on so maybe tuesday isn't a good idea, it's not a good idea when we're colleagues".

Basically I think my text scared her off a bit by making her think I had feelings for her already because I worded it badly.

We sent a few messages back and forth, where I told her I know she's attracted to me, there's all this sexual tension so I wanna go for a drink and see how it goes outside work. She said things like she doesn't want to go on a date with a colleague unless she's 100% sure, she does think I'm very attractive and "there is definitely tension", but she'd like to "keep things as they are and not rush anything".

This is where i'm lost as to how to act. I'm a straight forward thinker - to me, you're interested or you're not. but maybe she does just want to be completely sure we're a good match before going on an actual date, while still not ruling out us having casual sex in the meantime - this would explain her seeming very happy to agree to a drink but backing off when I acted like I'd hurt her feelings by sleeping with someone else

Normally after being rejected like that I'd just stop hanging out with her - I'd feel like a bit of a mug still giving her the attention she loves after she flaked on me, but I also don't want to push her away completely so anything happening is out of the question and I do really enjoy the sexual tension (makes the office a bit more fun)

I know ignoring her a bit might push her to make her mind up, but it's hard to do that without looking like my feelings are hurt and I'm punishing her, since we work within 10 feet of eachother and we currently hang out so often on our breaks. I could potentially just turn her down whenever she asks me to go to the shop/to lunch with her but still act 100% normal in terms of work

The thing is she is someone I would genuinely be friends with under other circumstances, but I can't be friends with someone I'm massively attracted to and have this much tension with

How would you boys play this to give the best chance of us going for a date or even just hooking up casually?

 

[Fluxcapacitor]

@SChainz dude! You've put her into auto rejection and you've put yourself into boyfriend zone. The way you've handled this so far is horrible and you've dug yourself a hole. It's possible to get out, but it's going to be very difficult.

Your message to her showing you've got feelings for her and making your date seem a big deal has put you into boyfriend zone. When she says she doesn't want to rush anything it's because you've acted like a boyfriend candidate so she'll treat you like one. This is doubled by putting her into auto rejection by bringing up the other girl and apologising for it.

Instead of dropping it here where you should have, and reframing later when you reengage you qualified yourself. Attraction dropped and you're now chasing her.

She's ruled out casual sex, for now. Even reading between the lines she's slowing this down until she feels you're invested enough. Spoiler- you won't be, when you are she'll be turned off.

You proceed here by being unaffected and not appearing phased. Pretend this didn't happen. The issue with auto rejection, the best turn around is proximity. Being close to her at work is actually good for you because you can show that you're unfazed and all your attractive qualities.

Drop the date, don't pursue, don't bring it up. Be warm, casual and social and build compliance. If she's investing asking you out for lunch or buying your lunch take it but also knock it back occasionally, be too busy with something else. You can use pre selection and jealousy plots here but jealousy plots are playing with fire if you don't know what you're doing.

Step 1 don't shit where you eat!

Step 2 if you must, over come auto rejection.

Step 3 build attractive traits and keep the tension to get out of the boyfriend zone.

 

[Científico]

Generally it is a very bad idea to get involved with women at work, especially women like this one that you see and work with on a daily basis. Have you really considered the consequences? At best, a disruption of your team and effectiveness at meeting your work goals, and at worst a sexual harassment complaint with HR.

Drop this one and focus on other women.

 

[Skills]

Generally it is a very bad idea to get involved with women at work, especially women like this one that you see and work with on a daily basis. Have you really considered the consequences? At best, a disruption of your team and effectiveness at meeting your work goals, and at worst a sexual harassment complaint with HR.

Drop this one and focus on other women.

Yeah send her a thank you note with gift certificate

 

[Mr STIF]

If you're in the corporate world, please, leave female colleagues alone. The trouble is too much!

 

[pandemic]

don't eat where you shit

 

[SChainz]

@SChainz dude! You've put her into auto rejection and you've put yourself into boyfriend zone. The way you've handled this so far is horrible and you've dug yourself a hole. It's possible to get out, but it's going to be very difficult.

Your message to her showing you've got feelings for her and making your date seem a big deal has put you into boyfriend zone. When she says she doesn't want to rush anything it's because you've acted like a boyfriend candidate so she'll treat you like one. This is doubled by putting her into auto rejection by bringing up the other girl and apologising for it.

Instead of dropping it here where you should have, and reframing later when you reengage you qualified yourself. Attraction dropped and you're now chasing her.

She's ruled out casual sex, for now. Even reading between the lines she's slowing this down until she feels you're invested enough. Spoiler- you won't be, when you are she'll be turned off.

You proceed here by being unaffected and not appearing phased. Pretend this didn't happen. The issue with auto rejection, the best turn around is proximity. Being close to her at work is actually good for you because you can show that you're unfazed and all your attractive qualities.

Drop the date, don't pursue, don't bring it up. Be warm, casual and social and build compliance. If she's investing asking you out for lunch or buying your lunch take it but also knock it back occasionally, be too busy with something else. You can use pre selection and jealousy plots here but jealousy plots are playing with fire if you don't know what you're doing.

Step 1 don't shit where you eat!

Step 2 if you must, over come auto rejection.

Step 3 build attractive traits and keep the tension to get out of the boyfriend zone.

Yeah man that's exactly what I was thinking. I never listen to my girl mate's advice on dating, but this one time I did it means I fucked it up. I haven't "boyfriend zoned" her, but it definitely looked that way from the text and its hard to recover from that lmao

 

[SChainz]

All the comments about "it's a bad idea in the office". I'm in recruitment in the UK - this kind of job is nothing like your corporate America where you have to worry about HR harassment clauses for looking at someone the wrong way. The worst case scenario is one of you gets hurt down the line and it's awkward - i can deal with that

I've slept with quite a few colleagues, my boss met his fiance in my office, 2 other managers met their partners/wives in my office, 2 people quit last month to move to Spain together. It's basically like being in school/college - we're all in our 20s, spend all day together, have lots of nights out together, mostly work too many hours to hold down a real relationship with someone who lives a normal 9-5 life - my manager even complained that I'm the only person that gets up to any "debauchery" these days, and it was so much more fun years ago when every night out there was banter/slight regret from 2 people drunkenly hooking up.

So I appreciate the advice but I'm really not concerned about the HR implications

 

[Glow]

yeah - its just good advice they give for beginners or intermediaries as training this in work settings when youre not tight on things is not smart. That said people spray these pu rules blindly. And these guys didnt read your OP. or chose to ignore you cause they dont sense it properly.

ive fucked shitloads from my work

to your intiial question

youre reacting cause you dont know women

and your super over-reacting

girls will turn iffy along the seduction in multiple areas causet they have their own things going on and are.. well women. Understanding them better is a key for you. and not iffing so much about little things.

just ignore and keep seducing, roll over, flip tactics

In this case i might could choose to challenge her in smooth ways which is a viable option if done right - but i dont have a clear sense of your situation and her state.

You could also just say ok fair, lets just have a non date and catch a quick soda.. still wanna hear about your xxx.. or still wanna go to xxx spot i had in mind to check it out.. meet her and friendzone her either teasingly or more firmly as a subcommunicated take away - the feeling of loss is super powerful if done alongside awakening her fascination with you irl

good luck

 

[SChainz]

yeah - its just good advice they give for beginners or intermediaries as training this in work settings when youre not tight on things is not smart. That said people spray these pu rules blindly. And these guys didnt read your OP. or chose to ignore you cause they dont sense it properly. Beware theres a lot of ignorant advice in here. look for the ranking to see if you should listen. Gap between the top level and anything below is Huge.

ive fucked shitloads from my work

to your intiial question

youre reacting cause you dont know women

and your super over-reacting

girls will turn iffy along the seduction in multiple areas causet they have their own things going on and are.. well women. Understanding them better is a key for you. and not iffing so much about little things.

just ignore and keep seducing, roll over, flip tactics

In this case i might could choose to challenge her in smooth ways which is a viable option if done right - but i dont have a clear sense of your situation and her state.

You could also just say ok fair, lets just have a non date and catch a quick soda friend.. still wanna hear about your xxx.. or still wanna go to xxx spot i had in mind to check it out.. meet her and friendzone her either teasingly or more firmly as a subcommunicated take away - the feeling of loss is super powerful if done alongside awakening her fascination with you irl

good luck

Yeah that's exactly why I took the time to point out that while I'm not some professional ladies man who knows everything, I have slept with 200+ women at this point so I'm not a rookie who can't handle a thing in the office.

And you're right, I don't properly understand them. I know how to attract girls build a lot of tension very quickly, but when it comes to properly understanding how they tick I'm clueless, which is why I'm 26 and haven't dated someone for over 3 months since I was 19...

I just thought I'd fucked up by sending that message, so came on here to see the best way to make sure I haven't completely ruined it. My natural reaction was to just say fuck it, I'll just take a step back and do exactly what we were before, but I started reading things which made me overthink.

I think at this point the soda thing would come off as faked/forced, but i definitely need to challenge her a bit now. Creating fear of loss is the biggest tool in my job, it's exactly the same here.

 

[Fluxcapacitor]

Yeah man that's exactly what I was thinking. I never listen to my girl mate's advice on dating, but this one time I did it means I fucked it up. I haven't "boyfriend zoned" her, but it definitely looked that way from the text and its hard to recover from that lmao

@SChainz dude, that text has totally put you in the boyfriend zone and it's going to be hard to get out because she's slowing everything down now. You're also failing to realise this will impact her reputation and she indicated this before telling you not to tell anyone. Discussing this with a female friend and telling this girl you left with another colleague has blown being covert. There's about 3 major mistakes that's triggered ASD, auto rejection and placing yourself in boyfriend zone. Very impressive, for the wrong reasons.

The soda thing will come off very fake/forced because it's not congruent and it's a little too late after your needy and emotional text. This will appear chasing after the horse after its bolted rather than sincere and normal.

@Glow is right with being unaffected, laugh it off and seduce as normal - change tactics. You need to recover the auto rejection and you're possibly a little too late for the soda to be a smooth turn around. It's a good move later on. I think glows suggestion of challenging her would be a better approach but this needs to be smooth and calibrated.

You'd be playing with fire but the other girl you left with can be great to use a jealously plot with. This will definitely scare her into thinking she's losing you and spark competition but the big thing with a girl in auto rejection is they need warmth before you do anything like this.

 

[Chase]

I like @Glow's text. But if it doesn't fit your vibe, @SChainz, then don't send it. That's what got you into trouble in the first place... sending a text that didn't match the vibe

You're a flirtatious guy, she's showing you nudes, she's already shagging someone else. Doesn't sound like she'd be the type to go jealous possessive / auto-rejection-y over seeing you pick up another chick. If she is, then you deal with it when you see it. Don't assume... assumptions'll kill ya. People are way too variable to run things off assumptions.

With this girl, my strategy would just be chill out with her, be friendly, but dial back the energy with her. Just reduce attention -- greet her if she's nearby but seem kind of distracted: "Oh, hey. How's it going?" Use your usual deep/sexy voice, smile, eyes, then go back to being distracted with whatever.

Then if you can engineer it so she gets to see some other women flirting with you / picking you up. The more aggressive the other girls are, the better.

She's going to be around you, she'll get re-intrigued, and if the text comes up then it's just, "Sorry, I always come across wrong over text. The written word is not my strong suit. I'm like He-Man in person and Animal from the Muppets over text," or something. Whatever fits your personality. Just dismiss it as basically she did not understand what you were saying.

Chase