How to Handle High Energy and Inexperienced Girl in a Relationship

[lingua]

So guys, I've been seeing this girl I met at NYE. I took her to bed 2 days after I met her that night, I got her to talk about her quite a lot and since if I didn't logically control my emotions and time I would have started being overly excited and crazy about this girl, I took that as a good sign that exclusivity could be on the table. She says she has had 2 relationships before this, and her body language is in congruence with her words, e.g. when we were making out at the bar, or when I escalated the first night. She doesn't drink, even at my place and her friends have teased her for being a "nun" and never letting herself go and having fun with guys. Well there's the sexual side of things and from reading about the articles on choosing and selecting, these were the expected qualities for a girl to have a relationship with. I also like the vibe and energy that she has and the deep conversations that I can have with subjects from even philosophy, and I find her attractive so I was considering this girl as a candidate. Keep in mind that she's 19 and that even though I consider myself slowly climbing above a beginner in pickup, in relationships I'm a complete newbie, I've never had a long term exclusive relationship with a girl that actually lived close to me.

So it's been two weeks since I met this girl and right now we're "bf/gf". I'm pretty sure this is letting things happen a bit fast, but at this moment I'm trying to recover the control of things and learning as I go, and I've read all the articles on GC about relationships so I'm trying to implement those.

The way we got exclusive was, she brought up the "so what are we(as a couple)?", and added that if we were a FWB that we shouldn't cuddle and that she'd most likely put up with this for a couple of weeks before "deleting my number" to try to forget about me as she wants to have sex only with her "boyfriend". Well, I calmly listened to this, and she went on. After some time even baiting me with sex saying "we shouldn't have sex until we figure it out" when I said that there was no need to categorize and make things fit into pre-defined boxes, and that we should let the relationship grow together. Then I did my best to not make it seem like a big deal and tried to reason and say that her proposal to be exclusive was logical and that we had been cuddling too much and spending too much time for that. Looking back I actually had the upper hand and could have just calmly listened to her and tell her that I'd consider it, and simply could have been unreactive when she tried to withhold sex in the argument (red flag or naivety?) But I just explained that I didn't care too much about the labels we put on such as "bf/gf" and that I considered how we spent time together enjoying ourselves and growing together was more important.

The thing is, after we had sex earlier that morning, and before the 'talk' we were quietly cuddling and looking at each other's eyes while lying on the bed. I turned the tv on about 20 minutes after that, and we we're simply holding each other and calmly resting, but then after some time when we got up and when I felt that she was trying to hide an emotion she asked me "Why were you like that in bed?" I asked her what she meant and then she said "Why weren't we like the first day?". So I found out that she thought I was angry or sad because I wasn't full of enthusiasm and wanting to talk while we were laying on bed, and I explained to her that the "bar" for a good time shouldn't be measured by our first date and that how could she expect us to always be energetic and talkative all the time, which sounds absurd. This girl still has a view of "love=sex" and pretty unrealistic expectations fueled by her emotions from the relationship.

Now, when she called me a day after she left for her house she said "Since texting sucks compared to talking face to face (I'd explained this to her earlier), how are we supposed to communicate? You never call me." Well, as in Chase's article, you're supposed to see her 2-3 times maximum per week and not text and call her everyday and not talk to her 3 times a week hour each if you don't want that to happen the rest of the relationship. But how do I convey this to her? How do I lead the relationship so that she doesn't feel auto-rejection or cold shoulder or something, while at the same time making sure she feels loved but that talking every day isn't a good thing for our relationship. I mean this girl is full of raw, innocent energy and loves the relationship rush, but I kind of feel like a killjoy when I'm the one who doesn't talk in hyperboles and with a deep calm voice as opposed to her voice that's full of energy, giggles (which I love). How the heck do I implement that "been there done that" attitude and not make her think I'm sad or uninterested in the damn relationship? For example, as I'm writing this, she's called me and I haven't answered. Tomorrow we're meeting up, and she wanted to go get some noodles, so I said fine, but in hindsight maybe I should have just invited her to my place again. I mean I'm supposed to just hang out, give her my time and attention, have awesome sex, cook some dinner and watch a movie with her back at my place, 2 or 3 days a week, but this girl is going to ask to go to places and call me out when I'm not that apparently invested in the relationship...

I mean she's mentioned this with her past experiences, where she feels bad that she's always the one who's committing/investing more in a relationship, but I feel like the older parent who knows better than to give a crying child the bag of sweets that she wants, because while she may like it in the short term, her tummy will ache later tonight. So I'm pretty sure this relationship will skyrocket quite fast quite high and then she will question why we weren't "like we used to" and then become bored of my time, if I give her my undivided attention by calling her every two days...

 

[Franco]

lingua,

I asked her what she meant and then she said "Why weren't we like the first day?". So I found out that she thought I was angry or sad because I wasn't full of enthusiasm and wanting to talk while we were laying on bed, and I explained to her that the "bar" for a good time shouldn't be measured by our first date and that how could she expect us to always be energetic and talkative all the time, which sounds absurd. This girl still has a view of "love=sex" and pretty unrealistic expectations fueled by her emotions from the relationship.

Yeah, I generally seem to be shying away more and more from inexperienced girls these days only because it seems like they want to confront you about everything happening in the relationship that doesn't match their expectations. Usually the expectations are absurd (as you put it), so you just have to be calm and address it each time it comes up.

Well, as in Chase's article, you're supposed to see her 2-3 times maximum per week and not text and call her everyday and not talk to her 3 times a week hour each if you don't want that to happen the rest of the relationship. But how do I convey this to her? How do I lead the relationship so that she doesn't feel auto-rejection or cold shoulder or something, while at the same time making sure she feels loved but that talking every day isn't a good thing for our relationship. I mean this girl is full of raw, innocent energy and loves the relationship rush, but I kind of feel like a killjoy when I'm the one who doesn't talk in hyperboles and with a deep calm voice as opposed to her voice that's full of energy, giggles (which I love). How the heck do I implement that "been there done that" attitude and not make her think I'm sad or uninterested in the damn relationship?

The answer is somewhat the same as my above response. The important thing is to never "ignore" or "neglect" her concerns. You have to address them directly in a calm way, and you need her to see the reality behind your words. For example, the conversation could go like this:

Her: Since texting sucks compared to talking face to face, how are we supposed to communicate? You never call me.
You: I always communicate with you whenever you have something to say to me. Have I ever ignored you?
Her: Well no, but you also never call me either.
You: I call you whenever I have something to talk to you about. I don't call you at a specific time every day because I have other things I need and want to do, too. I love talking to you when we do talk, but I'm sure you can at least imagine how dry our conversation would get if I was to call you every day when I have nothing interesting to say. I value the time we spend together in person, and that's when I like to converse with you. If I have a really good reason to call you about something important or exciting, then that's when I do it.
Her: It just seems like you don't really want to talk to me that much.
You: I do want to talk to you, but I'm also not the guy who blows up your phone every day just to say boring things. I have lots of important things that I need to get done during the week, and I try to get all of those done so that we can spend that extra time together in person rather than wasting it over the phone and possibly causing me to be too busy to see you later.

As long as you remain calm while hammering your point into her until she agrees, you can get by on these things. It's also very important that you actually follow what you say so that she feels like you aren't lying to her -- you can bet she'll be keeping an eye on your behavior and your attitude when you say these things.

For example, as I'm writing this, she's called me and I haven't answered. Tomorrow we're meeting up, and she wanted to go get some noodles, so I said fine, but in hindsight maybe I should have just invited her to my place again. I mean I'm supposed to just hang out, give her my time and attention, have awesome sex, cook some dinner and watch a movie with her back at my place, 2 or 3 days a week, but this girl is going to ask to go to places and call me out when I'm not that apparently invested in the relationship...

Yup, more inexperienced girls will do this. They want more of your time because it's a two-fold effect for them: (1) they get more time with you (obviously) and (2) they get to keep an eye on you and what you're doing. When they try to do things like this (such as call you randomly when you didn't expect it), then you need to stick to your guns and not call her back until a time you would normally be free. If you told her you're busy with school (or work) all day and she calls you at noon, then you need to not call her back until the evening so that it's congruent with what you told her. If you call her back right after she calls you, then she knows you're not as busy as you said you were. At the same time, if you don't call her back at all, then she thinks you're ignoring her.

This type of stuff happens with all women in relationships with the only difference being that it's much more frequent with inexperienced girls because they feel so out of control, and they have few prior experiences to guide them differently.

I feel like the older parent who knows better than to give a crying child the bag of sweets that she wants, because while she may like it in the short term, her tummy will ache later tonight.

The more and more time I spend in a long-term relationship, the more I realize that the best way to handle the relationship is to be like her "father" in a way -- the guy who cares about her, but is also the one who establishes the rules and won't put up with bullshit when she begins to start it. You're basically a father figure that gets to have sex with her as well. =)

- Franco

 

[Omega87]

The more and more time I spend in a long-term relationship, the more I realize that the best way to handle the relationship is to be like her "father" in a way -- the guy who cares about her, but is also the one who establishes the rules and won't put up with bullshit when she begins to start it. You're basically a father figure that gets to have sex with her as well. =)

So when she starts calling you "Daddy", you're doing it right.

 

[lux7]

Good thread, just felt like saying that high energy is indeed related to age but it's also a personality trait. You might even have inexperienced teens who are calmer and quieter than you are.
And you might have a very hard time in getting it your calmer way if she were, say, ADD borderline.

 

[lingua]

Yeah, I generally seem to be shying away more and more from inexperienced girls these days only because it seems like they want to confront you about everything happening in the relationship that doesn't match their expectations. Usually the expectations are absurd (as you put it), so you just have to be calm and address it each time it comes up.

I appreciate the quick reply. I followed your advice about her concerns on constantly being in contact, and things seemed to be chill. Though I guess you have a point about inexperienced girls.

She'd call me once every two days, at a timeframe which I'd told her beforehand. And she said "you know you can tell me when you want to be with me, you were the one who wanted to have an open and honest communication", and thus she was shyly stating that she was waiting for my call to drive over from her city back to my place(perhaps she thought I wasn't aware of this, but more likely she was too eager to spend time with me again).

I called her yesterday and she came over around 10pm, we talked a bit but I noticed she was distant. We finished a movie around midnight and I tried to escalate but she was unenthusiastic about even kissing so I tried to calm myself down and not make a logical argument/questioning in the middle of the night so I went to sleep, otherwise I had a foolish urge to get angry at her because she was moaning my name the day before on the phone. When we woke up, she was quietly staring at me so I told her she could tell me what she was feeling because I told her that she seemed to be even more distant and anxious than our first date, she said that she tried a new tactic of "holding back" and trying not to be too into the moment (which again I think is childish/absurd) in order to feel good when she's not spending time with me. She said that when we either stopped talking on the phone or when she left my place to go back home she felt really shitty and that she really wanted to go back and spend more time with me. (this sounds like oneitis but I think she doesn't know what she wants, has bad precedent in relationships and she thinks she's going to obsess over me and that this will ruin the relationship but actually her preconceived IDEA of obsession-->breakup is creating this problem, much like a self-fulfilling prophecy) While we were kissing again she started asking me about my past relationships, saying "How many girls have you had like us, I mean not girlfriends" hinting that she didn't consider that we were in a relationship and just being silly which ruined the sexy mood just as it did multiple times throughout the night. Then she got emotional and moody in a second. But she later confessed that her plan of being unenthusiastic wasn't working and she said "I wish I was more experienced in these things".

I always kept my calm, tried to address her insecurities/concerns(?) about the girls before her but now she started doing the "no, it's fine I don't want to talk about it since you don't want to either" After that it was pretty much downhill.

The first time we had sex she got emotional when I refused to walk her back to her car in the city parking lot, and I defused that one alright and I explained to her that we're in the same team. But she keeps refusing to go along with the 'us vs. them' mentality and if she was willing to work with me in order to improve our relationship, things would have turned out much better this morning and in general, but it was a truly awkward scene and I don't use that word often...

I didn't want to spend my whole day on my bed with a girl who had been refusing to kiss cuddle all night, refusing to talk over the problems that bugged her and just not cooperating in general so I got up and got dressed. She took the hint, packed her stuff, said "see ya" with a blank face and slammed the door out of my apartment.

I mean I understand when she tells me she feels insecure or weird about these things because I'm willing to let small stupid things go and work with her so that we can get to know each other better but as I said she's probably seeing me as a competitor of some sort and this type of deal doesn't work when I don't see any effort(at least effort) from her part in contributing to our team.

I'm not going to contact her for some time, perhaps even just letting her go but I'm not rushing anything until I clear my head. I'd rather focus on my exams and going out to pickup other girls for now.

 

[Franco]

lingua,

I didn't want to spend my whole day on my bed with a girl who had been refusing to kiss cuddle all night, refusing to talk over the problems that bugged her and just not cooperating in general so I got up and got dressed. She took the hint, packed her stuff, said "see ya" with a blank face and slammed the door out of my apartment.

So when my girl starts doing this (which is basically being "pouty," but then when you ask her what's bothering her, she basically says "nothing, I'm fine" and continues to be pouty), I'll ask her one or two more times, usually giving a specific instance to ask her if that's what's wrong (i.e. "well something is bothering you... is it what I said yesterday?" or "are you still upset about what happened earlier this week"?) This usually shows that you're trying to help fix the problem, but it also clues her into the fact that you genuinely might not know what's bothering her (otherwise you would have asked her about it, right?)

Often times, my girl will usually just tell me at this point what's bothering her because she knows being quiet doesn't make her situation any better. If the pouting continues, the conversation starts to look like this:

Me: Ok, well I'm trying to figure out what's bothering you, but you aren't helping me at all. Do you really want to spend the rest of our day together like this?

*NOTE*: Sometimes just pointing out that this awkwardness isn't fun for the both of you and will ruin the day for both of you makes her reconsider whether or not "pouting" is worth continuing, and it can sometimes snap her out of it and make her come out directly with the issue. But if not...

Her: Whatever/I don't know/I don't care.
Me: Ok, well at this point, you're just wasting my time then. I've tried multiple times to make you feel better, and right now you're just trying to drag me down with you. Maybe you should just go home so I can do important things that I need to do this week. (NOTE: Essentially at this point, you're basically saying you're going to kick her out)

At this point, two possibilities occur. She either caves in and says, "well, I still want to spend time with you" or something along those lines, and then you basically make it clear that she needs to tell you what's wrong if that's going to happen, otherwise the issue won't be fixed. Hopefully at that point, she comes clean and you two resolve the problem. The other possibility is that she continues the poutiness and just says something like "fine" and she gets her stuff and leaves. At that point, you just continue on with your day without her. Within a couple of days, she'll likely contact you and apologize (if she really does like you) or at least say that she wants to talk about what's bothering her.

The thing to always keep in mind is that she's there because she wants to be with you, but you need to make it clear through your actions that you're going to make attempts to address her problems, but if she just wants to continue to pout, then she's not going to get to spend time with you. Following along with the "father figure" theme, you're essentially putting her in "timeout." =)

- Franco