How to permanently, effectively stop fixating on girls?

[Prehistoric]

I am much better than I used to be.

6/7 years ago I still used to fall in love and have the thought of a woman dominate my entire day.

Now I am gradually learning to try to check a girl's actual level of interest but there is still a part of me that tends to "hope" that somehow that girl is feeling something for me.

Now, the moment I start hoping another side of me rings the alarm bell and starts to take action to avoid falling in love (meeting other girls, doing other stuff, listening to music etc..). It's kind of a "fight club" internal struggle. But I ask myself is there a way you can stop hoping in the first place?

Don't get me wrong, I think that there are many things in life where hope can be a great drive, but somehow I think that women and dating is not one of those things. I have the impression that the more you hope the more you get disconnected from reality, the more you act like an idiot around that girl, the more you decrease your chances of success.

How can you learn to actually, genuinely learn not give a damn, being content with yourself and being driven by motivation, realism and will to improve rather than hope, falling in love, having a crush etc..?

Last night this internal struggle was very clear. We were eating at a restaurant and there were 4 women, 1 of which I had asked to go out in the past and she flaked. Now, I was really not paying a lot of attention to her and concentrate on having fun and talk with the other 3 and I am sure that's how I was perceived by others, including this girl.

But inside... inside I couldn't help feeling something for that girl, wanting to check if she was speaking with other guys or thinking "maybe I can do something to turn the thing around".

I am happy I didn't do it, and that my external game was coherent with what I had planned consciously, but I really would love to eliminate that feeling and not give a damn OUTSIDE and INSIDE.

 

[Zoro]

For me, gaining experience helped.

I used to "fall in love" with women with just as much ease.

In my case it stemmed from a lack of ability to make things happen with women, and lack of experience with women in general.

Or in other words, a scarcity mentality combined with a pedestal-positioning of girls you meet with make you fall hard for them...

Not realizing there are many girls just like her, or perhaps better fit for you than that one girl.

Experience taught me that after that "amazing girl" I found another, whom I was more compatible with... And then once again after that, another girl EVEN more compatible. This happened many times haha

After learning many lessons along with game, I now calmly assess women and admire them for their genuine traits and not imaginary ones of rose colored glasses.

 

[Eternity]

You need to go through a bad one itis to really numb yourself to a woman's deception and willingness/unwillingness to hurt you at your core; to reject you as a person. If you can successfully navigate through the pain, the self doubts, the inertia in moving on, you can stop "hoping" and actually start doing to the point where you don't care anymore whether a woman likes you or not. It becomes the other way around, you wonder if she's a good fit for you or not. You choose who you want to be with, no longer hope. Or if you're like me... experience women with b.f's or husbands come on to you. Will numb you very quickly indeed.

 

[Drck]

Agree with the above, experience is the best teacher, and abundance mentality is simply a must. One thing is to read about it, but once you go through it it will make much more sense.

Those feelings are actually great, natural. You are strongly attracted to females, and you should never be sorry for that, and you should never apologize for that.

What you should do is, use them in your benefit. They will give you great natural vibes with girls that you like.

Many guys have these feelings, they meet a pretty girl - and they let the feelings go all the way. On a scale from 0 to 100, a guy who is unaware of seduction goes from 0 to 100 with his emotions, and he gets totally lost. He has no game, he just goes by his feelings - and usually ends up being rejected because they end up too emotional and too clingy.

So you want to kind of regulate your feelings, say you just want to go from 0 to 40. The rest should be your firm mental frame - understanding that you can't chase her, that you can't be too clingy/needy. You want to talk to more girls so you don't get too attached to only one of them and so on.

Say there are 3 guys:

Guy A meets a pretty girl, talks to her, invites her out and so on. He gets very needy and emotional. He will come after her, he will chase her, annoy her with texts and calls. She then rejects him as she doesn't really have much of a choice, and he would get all emotional and negative, upset and depressed. He is hurt, and emotionally he would go from 0 to -30. Next time he sees her again, and perhaps even creates some drama because he can't control himself. He has no game at all.

Guy B meets a girl. He somehow regulates his feelings for her, so at least he is not chasing even though his feelings are high for her. When he meets her again, he is kind of hurt so he just walks away, never talks to her, never looks at her, never contacts her and so on. He doesn't really date other girls, he is still hurt, but at least he has some game.

Guy C meets a girl. He talks to and dates more girls, he has some choices thus he is not bounded to one girl only. It is relatively easy to switch his focus on another girl thus he doesn't feel the rejection that much. He meets her again, and he's all happy to see her. He smiles at her with "Hey, it is really great to see you again!" Gives her some sexy looks and he think: "Damn, this chick is really hot!". If he gets an opportunity to invite her out again, regardless previous rejection, he takes it with no hesitation. He perhaps does it to show some balls. Then he walks away with a smile on his face, he's the one who won this game, there is no way he'll feel bad because she rejected him. She made his day, it is just too bad that it didn't work out. It is her loss - and there is always a bunch of other great girls around....

So you want to be that Guy C, as close as possible...

 

[Lotus]

These guys pretty much nailed it on the head about the abundance mentality.

It is easier said then done though as you experienced when talking to those 3 girls.

But inside... inside I couldn't help feeling something for that girl, wanting to check if she was speaking with other guys or thinking "maybe I can do something to turn the thing around".

you were talking to the 3 but thinking about the 1. If you compeltely immersed yourself in the conversation with the 3 and focused on trying to "really" learn about the 3 the one would not even cross your mind which is what Guy C does from Drcks' example.

From another angle. It is all mental, if you tell yourself enough times IDGAF about an outcome(can be applied to women and many other things) eventually you really wont care.

 

[Godsninja]

Everything people say is just the same old. Sure, good advice, but it's just reiterations and circumstantial.

You should think long and hard about what you want and what you don't want. If you're not getting the success you want, keep going out there and learning about the field as much as you can, because it seems to help pretty much everyone out there. I on the other hand have and I can't say I've gotten the "success" that I desire. I know a lot, but I'm tired of the bullshit too.

Focus on yourself, and give up on girls. I know, sounds like super downer wrong kind of advice huh? Well, it's not, even though Chase and his top members may say so. They are not you, or I, or any other guy who's put himself out there and been shit on, repeatedly not matter what they do. (They are not, because they have success with women, even if they didn't in the past.)

Save yourself the time and energy (and your sanity) and focus on you. I mean seriously, there ARE things beyond your control. It's not all on you man, and I think it's one specific thing that should not be reinforced because it's creating a problem, and then Chase turns around and wonders why guys are giving up, and feeling sorry for themselves. It confuses me.

You're a man, and you can't possible ACTUALLY physiologically give up on girls, it's your first instinct not to! What I'm saying is, you already have the natural ability to learn about getting girls, and reading this forum and Chases article are great, but if you're not getting anywhere, stop pushing the gas (if that's all you've been doing).

Give yourself some REAL time to stop and think about what you want. Stay positive and surround yourself with positive people. Go on a well needed vacation. Change something. Actually change something in your life. Fuck girls. Fuck-Girls. They spend their money on stuff to put on their face to make them look better. In 50 years, they'll be raisins and they know it. They should at least have the chance to chase after Chase, right? Or Superman, or Mr. Amazing, or whatever they want.

So, you'll find yourself in positions with girls, and if you haven't thought long and hard about what you want, you'll be sitting on your ass wondering if you should forget about her, or go for her. Not a very comfortable position to be in. But here you are, there you are, and you aware of the shit storm looming. (hopefully you're not here)

Most people should storm on ahead and at least try, right? Yeah, but you're not most people...if you care enough, and are strong enough, go for it, go all the way, and smile no matter the outcome. Her lose. But if you're not, and you're still tired and feeling cold and cynical, then... well, you know. Time. You. Fuck-girls.

If it doesn't feel natural, then it's some artificial bullshit that you don't want in your life.

Keep reading and working on yourself, but brain energy is still energy.

Take it easy on yourself and focus on things that actually matter lol...

peace and love
-Godsninja

 

[Eternity]

The advice given is not same old and circumstantial. It was from times in our lives were we pondered the same questions the OP has asked himself in the past and how experience changed our perception on women. Focusing on yourself is good but forsaking women kinda makes you rusty (I would know), so when you meet a really cool chick you want to date, you slack and end up losing her. Then fueling the vicious cycle you want to escape from. Ultimately it's up to the OP on what he wants to do, just our 2 cents.

 

[Prehistoric]

Everything people say is just the same old. Sure, good advice, but it's just reiterations and circumstantial.

You should think long and hard about what you want and what you don't want. If you're not getting the success you want, keep going out there and learning about the field as much as you can, because it seems to help pretty much everyone out there. I on the other hand have and I can't say I've gotten the "success" that I desire. I know a lot, but I'm tired of the bullshit too.

Well, it might sound counter-intuitive, but since I started to focus on pick-up, dating and relationships consciously and with a goal, I also started to improve other aspects of my life that have not to do with women. As a matter of fact, I accept from the beginning that the road with women is hard and long and that meanwhile I need other things to make my life full and enjoyable to the most.

I don't feel like giving up on the goal of becoming better with women. What I would like is to become less attached to it and meanwhile acting more. Like somebody who learns to play a music instrument as a hobby. Does he HAVE to? no. Does he feel bad if he doesn't do it? no. That doesn't mean he cannot dedicate 15-30 minutes a day, or even less for that matter, to learning how to play.


That's exactly the point I am trying to get to in my life, which is more internal than external: I have my life, I have my goals, I have my passions, I have my hobbies and then as additional hobby I try to get better with women and when I do it I try to give my best the same way I'd give my best if I were trying to learn how to cook.

In 5 years time nobody can guarantee I'll be the best chef of the planet, but sure as hell I'll be able to cook a decent meal.

The problem is not really the activity, but the importance and emotional energy you invest in it.

And by the way, I started applying this material and observing/correcting myself only a couple of months ago and I must say that, even when I don't get the girl, I already have the feeling girls behave completely different around me. I frankly wasn't expecting to bed a girl a day after 2 months.

I've seen some blogs from some guys who went 1 year or 2 applying concepts and getting almost no results, but at the end they made it somehow, so I'll try to follow that example. And as long as I don't get results I'll always assume there's something I have to change which probably I am not seeing right now and will keep thinking about it until I don't get what it is and change it.

Sometimes it's even old deep emotional blocks that have to do with childhood, adolescence etc. When you get there it's actually quite liberating.

But I really respect your point of view. I have some friends who have the same opinion and they have happy lives. Sometimes they meet a girl and start a relationship and even merry. I guess that's actually how the majority of people lives.

 

[Prehistoric]

So you want to be that Guy C, as close as possible...

Thanks for the advice.

Actually on that night I kinda was "externally".

I didn't talk much to her because she wasn't sitting very close to me, while the other 3 were all in front of me. But I made some jokes directed to the side of the table where she was sitting from time to time and when I had to walk away, after calmly saying bye to the people I had talked to all night, I went to the other side of the table, shake these other people hand, including her, and said "I'll see you around people", smiling and joking.

She was actually very smiling and warm and told me "Yeah we'll see around" (which by now I am not fool enough to interpret as a interest signal, I did my moves in the past, she made up excuses not to go out so she's totally nexted)

The thing I was complaining about was really the internal aspect.

It's the first time my external self and my internal self go in such opposite directions. The Fight Club example wasn't really out of place.

I guess the external (or let's call it conscious) me will have to get tough on the internal (let's call it unconscious) me for some time. Whatever gotta be =)

 

[Zoro]

Glad to see your introspection. That's actually a key to "effectively stop fixating on girls".

The thing is though emotions are a beast and hard to deal with at times.

Just like a snake charmer or a lion tamer doesn't control the beast, they tame it. Same too, does a man tame his emotions.

I always feel out my emotions on a deep level, even the bad ones and truly root out where its coming from. This reveals a lot and often times comes with peace of mind.

 

[Lotus]

Prehistoric

Sounds like the ol' "fake it till you make it"

Your faking it, eventually you will make it.


Setting a good example for the rest of us!

 

[Godsninja]

Ya I didn't mean to sound so hard but the way I see it there are certain people, myself included, where results compared to effort put in is low. You sound like you're definitely on the way. Some sort of meditation is helpful. Like internal spirituality to calm and reassure your soul.

One little thing or a missed opportunity can easily ruin a chance with a girl. That's the way it is, but it goes both ways.

Cheers,

 

[Quantum]

Interesting topic.

This is a tough one because it's something that will take some time before you can stop doing this. I think a lot of it is just human nature so I'm not sure that you will ever permanently stop fixating on girls; you will just do it far less.

I still find myself falling into this trap and it takes almost everything I got to not show it externally. Logically you know it makes no sense. You know she really isn't that great and you know you can do better. But some part of you still continues to believe that she is something special and that you have a special connection. It takes a lot of time and experience before you start to look at things logically more exclusively.

The fact that you're able to realize this is very important. You need to just remember to listen to your logical mind instead of your emotional mind. The key point here is that you need to continue growing and improving yourself. Things will eventually start getting easier.

 

[ThrowDown]

This year, i personally experienced a close relation on how you are feeling. There are moments where I felt like "I'm sick of women". I once told my friends this once and they replied in shock, as if I was becoming gay. Haha! On the other hand it was just my inner self becoming so outcome dependent and needy. However as I continued, through resilience and patience I conquered an abundance mentality where nothing really matters.. Where nothing is truly a big deal.

I have a little personal story where I can stem my own neediness from. I've spent the past 3.6 years in a young offender centre (a.k.a. Juvie) during this time, I lacked the proper social skills and due to segregation, there is minimal female contact and socializing, except for free time. In December 2013 I've gotten released and have been struggling with adjusting with normal life (institutionalization will have a hold) and I've been pushing myself to meet women, any of them i would meet I would catch deep feelings for them and become a puppy dog, willing to attach myself to. This drove them away.. Now I know.

But all this aside, the point I'm getting across is that during my time of release, I lacked so much years of female companionship that any that comes my way would be considered LOVE and deep INFATUation. I would place them on a pedestal and be the need little bitch that once plagued my being.

Now I'm doing just dandy..