How to Play it Cool When Running Into Girls You Used to Bang at a Party

[The Emerald Archer]

With the holiday this week I got invited to a couple parties, and I'm almost certain I'm going to end up running into this girl that I had a brief fling with last summer. I had to next her though because she ended up hitting me (long story) at the end of a night out drinking. She did end up apologizing the next morning (over text), but I never responded and nexted her and haven't seen her since. I guess that leaves me in a somewhat decent position dynamics-wise since technically she chased me last and I moved on.

Anyways, it's one of those situations where I've gone over many different types of scenarios about what to say if I ever saw her again. I was real self-righteous about the situation and whatnot last year, but I've calmed those emotions down and now see it more as "Eh that's life sometimes."

I bring this up because now my main goal is to make sure my I nip any attempts by her to climb over me socially and to prevent her from attempting to throw me under the bus, and also to prevent any drama since that's a buzzkill for sure. I doubt it will be that big of a deal, and there might even be a chance I don't see her at all, but I'd like to be prepared just in case.

My gameplan as of right now:

• 1. Ignore her completely (including not even making eye contact) and have fun and bring the energy by being my normal outgoing self. Also, I'll be able to build some good social proof since these are both my good friends and my little bro's good friends and they all freakin love me cuz I'm older haha
  
  2. If the situation is feasible or unavoidable, just be brief and say a quick (almost dismissive) "Hi" and then go about my business so that I at least was polite and don't look bitter, but otherwise not asking her anything like how she's doing, etc. and then that's it. Done! Then enjoy the party, talk to my friends and chicks and have fun.

Also, I'm gonna be honest and I was even joking about this with my buddy last night (the one who's throwing the party on the Fourth), are there any circumstances under which any of you might bang this girl again despite what I just described above?

It's not like I plan on it or anything and she has a boyfriend now too (but she is a party girl and I would question her loyalty specifically in monogamy), but suppose she ends up throwing herself at me or otherwise shows a lot of interest, especially if I'm building social proof and preselection (which is practically a given for me at these house parties since we've all known each other for 10+ years), should I take the shot and maybe do a one-night hatefuck type deal? (I don't really hate her since I take responsibility for how things ultimately ended up since I'm the man).

I know that probably sounds crazy and I can't believe I just typed that out, but I don't have much experience with this type of situation and perhaps there's a way to pull it off and get some easy (possibly) tail.

What do you guys think? Any advice or insight would be appreciated!

 

[matteo-d]

"Eh that's life sometimes."

Very good mindset ! Keep on that

I don't think I lived this exact situation but I had my share of awkward moments

I would say to scale it step by step rather than planning the whole night in your head "I'm gonna fuck her" or "I'm not gonna fuck her"

First step: You said it perfectly, enjoy the vibe and your social proof, that's the most important. From there you can see if she does anything, tries to grab your attention, look at you constantly or anything

Second step: let's say she actually engaged you or that you engaged her, whatever. First play it cool, do as if nothing happened. You're in a different context than that specific night right now. You're partying, she's partying, fine. That's a whole different frame than last party. So just keep it light, some fluff talk, some chit chat. And notice if she brings up anything about the other night.

Third step: If she doesn't bring anything about the other night, and doesn't show any violence, plus keep sending you signals, well then I think that, as you said, she may not be trustful about her monogamy lol

But do it step by step like this, a party is a constantly evolving environment, you can never predict exactly what's gonna happen in the beginning, so notice hour after hour what's happening with her, and then you can judge what you want to do based on what you see from her on time.

But in the end, you're at your own party with your own friends, so I would say there's not much to worry about

 

[The Emerald Archer]

Hey Matteo!

Appreciate the feedback bro! That was cool how you gave it step-by-step too, it's a lot easier to grasp.

you're in a different context than that specific night right now. You're partying, she's partying, fine. That's a whole different frame than last party. So just keep it light, some fluff talk, some chit chat. And notice if she brings up anything about the other night.

That tidbit about frame really stood out to me. Frame is something I'm trying to get a better grasp on. I get it abstractly/conceptually but still trying to fill in some gaps intuitively. I didn't even think about it in this scenario, but I like your insight. It's something that could really help shape my attitude and mindset for these parties coming up. So thank you for that.

But in the end, you're at your own party with your own friends, so I would say there's not much to worry about

Yeah for sure! In the end I'm gonna have fun anyways haha

 

[Hue]

EA,

Wassup playa!

I think that Matteo mostly covered it for you!


The underlying message that it's important to keep in mind is simple: just because you banged doesn't make her "your girl", and, don't let her presence effect your socially outgoing self.

The attraction will almost certainly still be there to some degree, but it sounds like it's played out a bit since your fling. Especially if she has a boyfriend now (though you're right, that doesn't mean she's off limits). Personally, given your history, I think going for a one final hate fuck would do more harm than good. Recognize there's other options than further investing into a potentially difficult situation.

Rather than completely ignore her or giving her a dismissive "Hi" I would replace that will a warmer acknowledgement and then ignore her. Girls notice things like if you outright ignore them and will actually see that as a higher effort on your part to not engage with her. A dismissive acknowledgment moves in the same direction, but will give her a definite, "don't talk to me", kind of vibe. This might put her on the defensive and THEN have her meddling with your place socially. You don't want that.

With a warm acknowledgement, like a soft smile with a "hey" / "hello" or even just a wave is all you need. Then, don't talk to her. This brings the least amount of attention to your guys' dynamics with each other and more or less opens you up to act independently in the social circle, now that there's not this weird thing in the air between you two.


Hue

 

[JacobPalmer]

EA,

Wassup playa!

I think that Matteo mostly covered it for you!


The underlying message that it's important to keep in mind is simple: just because you banged doesn't make her "your girl", and, don't let her presence effect your socially outgoing self.

The attraction will almost certainly still be there to some degree, but it sounds like it's played out a bit since your fling. Especially if she has a boyfriend now (though you're right, that doesn't mean she's off limits). Personally, given your history, I think going for a one final hate fuck would do more harm than good. Recognize there's other options than further investing into a potentially difficult situation.

Rather than completely ignore her or giving her a dismissive "Hi" I would replace that will a warmer acknowledgement and then ignore her. Girls notice things like if you outright ignore them and will actually see that as a higher effort on your part to not engage with her. A dismissive acknowledgment moves in the same direction, but will give her a definite, "don't talk to me", kind of vibe. This might put her on the defensive and THEN have her meddling with your place socially. You don't want that.

With a warm acknowledgement, like a soft smile with a "hey" / "hello" or even just a wave is all you need. Then, don't talk to her. This brings the least amount of attention to your guys' dynamics with each other and more or less opens you up to act independently in the social circle, now that there's not this weird thing in the air between you two.


Hue

Gotta agree with Hue here, I'd go a bit warmer but with not a lot of effort. a wave, smile and hello, "How are you?" etc. What happened is in the past, and by being at least somewhat warm you're at least acknowledging that you're over it and that the two of you can both move on from it. Because that's what a high value guy would do. Being warm also decreases her from wanted to shit talk you etc.

 

[The Emerald Archer]

What's up Hue!

The underlying message that it's important to keep in mind is simple: just because you banged doesn't make her "your girl", and, don't let her presence effect your socially outgoing self.

Personally, given your history, I think going for a one final hate fuck would do more harm than good. Recognize there's other options than further investing into a potentially difficult situation.

Hahaha yeah for sure bro. I think part of me even considering all of this is to stroke my ego a little bit, but you're right that going for a hate fuck seems to have way more downsides than upsides. Plus, there's way more options than her and I'd rather potentially have a new lay than banging someone again. But what can I say? I had to ask

Rather than completely ignore her or giving her a dismissive "Hi" I would replace that will a warmer acknowledgement and then ignore her. Girls notice things like if you outright ignore them and will actually see that as a higher effort on your part to not engage with her. A dismissive acknowledgment moves in the same direction, but will give her a definite, "don't talk to me", kind of vibe. This might put her on the defensive and THEN have her meddling with your place socially. You don't want that.

With a warm acknowledgement, like a soft smile with a "hey" / "hello" or even just a wave is all you need. Then, don't talk to her. This brings the least amount of attention to your guys' dynamics with each other and more or less opens you up to act independently in the social circle, now that there's not this weird thing in the air between you two.

That's pretty insightful about the dynamics. Didn't realize that ignoring someone like that could be seen as higher effort/tryhard and I def don't want her meddling with me socially.

Ok so be warm on the initial greeting/acknowledgement, but otherwise don't get sucked into conversation with her and go about my business partying and having fun with everyone else?

The only reason I suggested being short with a "Hi" was because I remember Chase gave an answer to a commenter on one of his articles (can't remember which one for the life of me) where he said being short with a "hi" was that it gave acknowledgement but also created some intrigue and could potentially invite chasing behavior from the girl. But maybe that advice was geared towards a failed escalation with a girl in social circle, not necessarily a "bad blood" type situation.

Gotta agree with Hue here, I'd go a bit warmer but with not a lot of effort. a wave, smile and hello, "How are you?" etc. What happened is in the past, and by being at least somewhat warm you're at least acknowledging that you're over it and that the two of you can both move on from it. Because that's what a high value guy would do. Being warm also decreases her from wanted to shit talk you etc.

Alright fellas I think I'll stick with a warm "hey"/wave or something like you guys said, I think it would have a more positive effect overall and is more my style because I would rather make allies than enemies anyways.

Thanks dudes!

 

[Hue]

Alright fellas I think I'll stick with a warm "hey"/wave or something like you guys said, I think it would have a more positive effect overall and is more my style because I would rather make allies than enemies anyways.

Word up. Glad you feel a better since of direction bro. (=

Then if things proceed without any issues, you can always make friendly conversation with her and use her for preselection with other girls. Or who knows, perhaps down the road it might make sense to plow her again after your guys' cold war is over, haha.

 

[matteo-d]

I think that Matteo mostly covered it for you!

Thanks, that's appreciated

#The emerald Archer

Don't forget to update on what happened at the party, I'm curious now

 

[The Emerald Archer]

So I was talking to one of my buddies about the party earlier and discussing logistics and whatnot and he mentioned that this chick and her guy are gonna be there tonight. I played it cool and made it out to be no big deal and said that I'm over it, and my buddy said that's good. So hopefully that starts me off in the right direction already. I'm not going to even attempt to bone this girl, so looks like all I need to do is nail the warm greeting like you guys said and I'll be off to the races tonight!

This chick is pretty hard-headed and stubborn so I'm curious to see how she'll respond when I set the pace as warm at the outset. The only thing I can do is focus on what I can control which is the greeting/vibe. After that I'm gonna let the chips fall where they may haha.

I'll keep you guys posted!

 

[The Emerald Archer]

Quick update:

I didn't end up running into that chick at the party, she didn't end up showing for whatever reasons. I had a blast though!

I created some solid social proof and was bringing the energy all evening/night. Unfortunately, I had way too much fun and didn't pace myself and ended up yacking pretty bad at the end of the night lol. 2 of my buddies had to carry me inside at one point just before my ride took me home... smh. And here I thought those days were behind me haha.

Party #2 is tonight so hopefully I'll see this chick there and get an opportunity to apply the advice from you guys and come back with some feedback.