How to react to your ex

[Easypeasy]

Hey folks,

I am seeking your advise in what way I should react to this break-up.

Until sunday I was seeing a woman (1hr drive) for about 5 weeks but suddenly she turned away.
When we started dating she told me that she cannot commit to any relationship (previous boyfriends were complicated and she got disappointed by a man in march) but I convinced her to give us a try.
Since then we spent almost every weekend together, and even though her friends knew what was going on we never showed any sign to be in some kind of a relationship. We obviously really enjoyed each other in privacy, made small plans, had good talks and the sex was always mindblowing. Our adventure went on as supposed to.

During the last weeks I noticed that our whatsapp chats were cooling off slowly but once we met everything was as usual. Especially the last 2 weeks she was very busy due to her workload and asked me to give her more time and space … but would love to be with me soon.

Last friday we met again. She was still very busy, so I gave her the space she wanted and took her dog for a very long walk, came home, then we had a great afternoon, a massage and awesome sex (as always) in the night. Unfortunately, I couldnt finish my “job” as I was too tired.

The next day, saturday, I was not in a very funny mood and the whole day went kind of weird. Her friends were always around, so no private time. It felt complicated to connect with her emotionally and for the very first time we went to bed without sex. I knew something was going on.

The next morning she told me that she is not feeling well, is still stressed out because of her workload and felt under pressure because of my presence. I offered her to find work in the garden and kept myself busy for a while. After quite some time I went back to see her. Apparently, she was not in a very good mood.

I relaxed on her couch for a bit and when she was giving me a sandwich I tried to pull her towards me but she walked away being pissed off.

After 5 minutes she returned and told me that she cannot be in this “relationship” anymore as she was seeing patterns of her previous boyfriends in my behaviour, like pulling her or having expectations that she should be there for me, etc. (I know exactly that I am this kind of man she used to have relationships with, even though I am more relaxed and open than anyoneelse before.) However it would be easier for her to start as simple friends again and then find out if she will be in the mood for a new relationship. Obviously, she did not want a conversation, I felt it, and was about to leave for the garden immediately.

I was shocked and explained in a rush that it would not be fair to copy her experiences with other man to me. I would give her the space she needs, have no expectations and would love to keep on with our adventure … as a couple as well as friends with benefits. She said, she cannot have sex without being close with someone, also doesnt want a relationship, and saw in my eyes that I want more than just friendship … which put her under pressure and she wants to be free right now.

She left for the garden where we had a surprisingly fun afternoon with her friends. That day we did not talk about the breakup anymore. In the evening, she was stoned, I asked her if I may stay for the night but she asked me to leave. Since then we have not talked. I know she likes me but also wants to be free ... anyway, I want her back.

Chase gave some recommendations in his article “The Ultimate Guide on How to Get a Girl Back” but I am not sure whether my ex is a number 2 or number 3 AND how I should react to this?

1. send her a voice message (have my sentences written down already) where I want her to remember the good times we had and make myself clear that we can continue this adventure without expectations
2. pretend to be in her area (1hr drive, but have noone to meet there) so we can talk about this
3. do not react at all ... how long should I wait for her message
4. only return as a friend

I am very thankful for any advice .. before I react dumb.
Cheers

 

[Toby2030]

I'm pretty sure she just want a fuckbuddy. As a guy, you shouldn't be the one to lock her down. It should be her trying to lock you into a relationship.
Change her mood, not her mind. You can't convince someone logically that they should be with you.
Push for a meet up. Send some value giving texts, and see if she's responding. Then you can later start a closing sequence and make her meet up with you, and take it from there. But forget everything about convincing her logically.

 

[Easypeasy]

Thanks for your thoughts.
I wonder how a meetup could look like. Honestly, I´d like to talk about her rejection, wanna make her look back in time what we both experienced already and assure her that I am different than her previous boyfriends ... but if I understand you right I should not even mention the breakup?

Do I chase her by writing her messages? She is responding aloof, and has done it for a few weeks already.
Cheers

 

[BigPapa]

Mate if you really want to have a chance getting back togheter with her , YOU NEED TO BACK OFF and let her come to you

What you are doing now is called chasing and this is a value killer , which is really bad if you want to have a relationship with her .

Back off , if you feel like shit take anti depressives and let her come back to you . That is the only thing that you can do now ...

 

[Easypeasy]

I know what you are talking about. Looks like chasing her.
But we never talked about the breakup, nor the real reasons.
I wonder if backing off will cool her off even more, as it seems I do not show any interest in her.
How do women make such decisions? How definite are they?

 

[BigPapa]

The real reason is because you were supplicating & was needy with her .

How do I know this ? Let's have a look on what you wrote in your initial post :

-> most likely you were the one driving to her all the time ( 1h drive )
-> she told you that she does not want a relationship , but you insisted to give you a chance
-> she told you to give her more time & space
-> you went to her , she wanted space but you took her dog for a walk
-> she wanted more space the next day , but instead of taking the hint and just leave you remained and did some worked in her garden
-> she still did not wanted to have you around , but you relaxed on the couch , instead of just leaving
-> she told you that she does not want a relationship again , but you wanted to talk about it
-> then you still did not leave and just remained around , till basically she told you to leave

Like I said , you were supplicating & was needy which destroyed any respect that she had for you.

If you want to get her back , let her come to you. There is not anything that you can do at the moment instead of taking anti depressives and wait for some time to pass and her starting to really miss you

 

[Easypeasy]

Hey Big Papa, you are right but I like to clarify a few steps in your thoughts on this ...

-> most likely you were the one driving to her all the time ( 1h drive )
- because she doesnt own a vehicle

-> she told you that she does not want a relationship , but you insisted to give you a chance
- nope, becaue she never had a fuckbuddy I offered to try it out with no expectations

-> you went to her , she wanted space but you took her dog for a walk
- yes, because I love the dog, whos very time consuming, 2.5 hrs long wak

-> she wanted more space the next day , but instead of taking the hint and just leave you remained and did some worked in her garden
- shes living in a huge shared house and I built a fire place which we all agreed to use in the evening

-> she still did not wanted to have you around , but you relaxed on the couch , instead of just leaving
- true, my fault

-> she told you that she does not want a relationship again , but you wanted to talk about it
- I wanted to talk about her reasons and that she saw her previous boyfriends in me, which is bullshit ... never made it this far

-> then you still did not leave and just remained around , till basically she told you to leave
- because we all had a fun afternoon and campfire (the one I built) ...

I want her back as a fuckbuddy (girlfriend is not possible anyway) that is why I asked how to approach her. I like to send her a text message asking for a camping trip (we always wanted to do together) but acc. to you folks shouldnt do it. If I could what could be a fun message?
Thanks again folks

 

[BigPapa]

Look man , I am not trying to be a jerk . I am just brutally honest with you , because it seems that you need someone to be 100% honest with you .

What you said in regards to the facts I stated are nothing more than excuses .

a friend with benefits type of relationship means that you Go to her place , have sex , stay a little bit then leave .

for sure it does not mean that you build fireplaces , walk the dog , do gardening stuff , etc . You know why ? Because this is what boyfriends do .

So from the get go , you were saying that you want to have a fwb with her but acting as a boyfriend . if I would be her , I would also be confused and start acting cold , because what you say is not congruent with what you do .

you know what else boyfriends do ? Think about sending her messages about going camping like you are thinking now

 

[Skills]

Big papa got it right i will add:

This is the role reversal she is acting 100% like you should be acting, and you are acting like she should be acting.... therefore there is no polarization = drying vagina..

The women is the one that should be trying to get you to commit into a relationship and you should be the one wanting to be free....

you are too needy with this girl which kills attraction, she just got out of a relationship and she is just having fun and you are the one pushing for commitment...

 

[Easypeasy]

Thanks guys for your honesty. You made me smile, hold up a mirror and I totally appreciate it !!! Big papa - you are absolutely right. Thanks again.
But I like to add that we always made plans for the next day, so there has never been any reason for me to leave her as it seemed she wanted me to be around her. However I am still surprised, because of our amazing friday, that she changed her feelings over night.

By the way, I would have helped her or her friends anyway as this has nothing to do with any relationship for me. I just like to support people wherever I can. And she enjoyed it too.
I also never pushed for any commitment. She quit and then I told her for the first time that I am not like her previous boyfriends. On this day it was the very first time she asked me for more space and to leave as well !!! The fact is that we never talked about any commitment, except the second date, nor that she told me this felt like leading towards a relationship ... obviously I acted like someone ...

Bottom line is that I lost her completely? And theres nothing I can do. I do not think she is turning back to me by herself as she is not this type of woman who sees her decisions as a "mistake". We have not had any whatsapp contact for 6 days. In one of his articles Chase recommended to wait and try to contact her as a totally different man, in my case to be strong and do not talk aboit anything related to a relationship.
How does it sound for you ... how could (if possible) a first text message look like?

 

[Toby2030]

Follow Chase's advice. You have to stop acting needy. Also, you can get some inspiration from this post about your texting:

Use Corona As A Time To Revive Dead Numbers

Beginner/intermediate thread: This is probably something most guys already have done, so it's probably most aimed at beginners. These corona times have made it very hard to add new girls into your pipeline. I see a lot of people asking for ways to meet new girls when it would be a great time to...

www.skilledseducer.com

 

[BigPapa]

But this is the thing that you fail to understand , it is not necessary what you say , but how you come across due to your actions .

The problem here is that instead of let her be ( the first time when she told you that she needs space - even though she was telling you this also via texts from what I reckon - most likely this due to a lot of communication from your side ) and just back off when you noticed her changing her behavior towards you , you just continued pushing .

The only thing that she understood from your behavior is that you are supplicating and acting needy . I mean would a guy that is good with the ladies would do such things like you ? not really , he would be like " fuck man , i really liked her , but fuck it , i guess she did not liked me as much as i liked her " . And then let her come back to you naturally .

The problem is that you pushed too much when she was not really up for you creating rapport , and now she just sees you as a needy weak guy .

You have to cut contact with her at least 1 month , and then just send her a text like " hey you , just wanted to see if you are ok" or just a straight funny meme or joke, and then based on how she responds ( being warm or cold ) you can have an idea if you can get her back or not .

It would be great if you could also put some pictures on your fb or any social media where you are around cute girls to create preselection and trigger some jealousy from her end

 

[Easypeasy]

Hey guys,
just a quick update. I posted the pics, etc. as suggested
I know I should not have done the following but we had contact through whatsapp very sporadicly cause of some jokes/pics within the last 3 weeks.
Recently I posted a pic on insta where I was offering free seedlings (I work in a gardening company) where she replied to me and we arranged a meeting for á free pick up on saturday. She´s coming to my place by train but wants to return to her town on the same day. I do not trust her intention as shes never done this before nor been so nice in her communication for a long time... kind of weird situation. I somehow have the feeling she is also coming for someone else.
Cheers

 

[Easypeasy]

Here we go:
After I put a post on Instagram offering free seedlings for everyone (due to my job) my ex asked to see me and pick them up.
She wanted to come by train on saturday, insisted to leave the same day and asked me to show her around my hometown.
We met, had a fabulous day, awesome conversations and tons of fun. Full stop.

I could see she was trying to keep physical distance and I tried to behave pretty normal, without getting too close etc. as suggested in "pocket mentality".
In the evening we talked about the breakup but had to stop as she had to leave to get her train. Even though the day was so much fun, it was kind of awkward in the end.
The next day I wrote her a message, where I hoped to rescue the ending of the night before. I let her know that I fully understand and respect her decision, that the day before was awesome and we should def see each other again, if she wants to.

Today she left me a voice message telling me that she liked me but did not get the right spark to go any further. She put herself into something she wasnt sure about anyways (we met on okcupid). Also she cannot have sex with me anymore (or anybody else in general) without any feelings for this person. Furthermore she feels a vibe from me that makes her insecure (biggest problem) ... she probably meant my feelings for her. Therefore she doesn't like to see me that often anymore, or even for a long.time, unless I can really handle her decision.

I have not replied yet as I don't know what the right answer could be and dont want to fuck it up.
Yes, I do like her and still would like to spend time with her. Maybe as a friend.
What should I reply and what are my options?

I have never told her that I was seeing other women as well. Would it make sense to justify her "vibe feelings" she get from me because I did not know how top explain it to her?
I also have plans to leave Germany for a few years very soon and thought she would be the one who wants me to stay. Would it make sense to tell her?
Like always I probably overthink the whole situation ... but only consider options.

Anyhow, with this woman I had a whirlwind of emotions, shes living the life I always wanted and I like to share with someone, great friends and a dog too (all of them I really like). But shes very certain what she wants to do in her life and doesn't care if that involves a man or not.

Actually I already had plans to spend time in her town in 2 weeks due to a course I'll join and thought to see her for a coffee, then leave, just to show her that I have other options and push for her interest again. Should I not contact her in this case even though I'm in her area?
Thanks

 

[Randy_91]

@Easypeasy It doesn't look like you have taken in any of the advice given to you. I am no expert and make my fair share of mistakes but even I can see you are far too needy and that you don't understand how an Alpha male should act. The man should initiate contact at the start of the relationship to get her interested but after that, you have to back off and let her come to you. What this means is that she should be initiating 85% to 90% of all contact. You just sit back and wait for her to contact you and when she does you should just arrange a date then hook up and let sex happen. If she contacts you and you try to arrange a date and she makes an excuse then just withdraw the offer and say give me a call when your free I got to run. Then you just sit back again and wait for her to contact you again then rinse and repeat. If she keeps on making excuses then stop asking and just let her go and move on. If she does not contact you on her own then her interest level is low and no amount of you chasing and contacting her will change that. If you keep up what I described the woman will eventually fall head over heels in love you. Keep all unnecessary chatting and texting on social media to a minimum and act like a busy alpha male with a purpose in life.

 

[Easypeasy]

Thanks Randy, but I always had luck with getting laid when i used to be the one initiating dates. Always. Might work differently in Germany.
In my case I followed the advise to avoid contact with her, posted pics of my life with friends, waiting for her to contact me. She did and we met on saturday. The rest is explained above. Not contacting her right now at all would lead nowhere but in loosing her definitely.

 

[BigPapa]

amigo , the problem is that she does not see you relationship worthy for whatever reason ( you gave her a lot of reasons though not to see you this way ) and basically in her message she was saying that she wants a fwb that she can sleep with whenever she feels like having sex .

dunno what is your problem though , because clearly this is the best that you can get from the situation you put yourself in

 

[Easypeasy]

@Big Papa, accepted ... but how can I reply to her ... and play it smart?
... since she told me she cannot have sex with someone she has no feelings for?
... and thinks about not seeing me for a long time

I guess she doesnt see me relationship worthy as she just do not want to have one! She decided to be free for some time ... and her decisions are very certain ... also because like most people figured out I was too needy (my fault, truly).

 

[Randy_91]

Thanks Randy, but I always had luck with getting laid when i used to be the one initiating dates. Always. Might work differently in Germany.
In my case I followed the advise to avoid contact with her, posted pics of my life with friends, waiting for her to contact me. She did and we met on saturday. The rest is explained above. Not contacting her right now at all would lead nowhere but in loosing her definitely.

Human nature is human nature. The country your from has nothing to do with it. You do initiate dates but you have to wait for her to contact you first. If you chase and try to initiate dates you will fail in the long run I guarantee it. Check out Corey Wayne on youtube. That guys advice is golden.

 

[BigPapa]

Basic principles: no woman wakes up saying "God, I hope I don't get swept off my feet today!”. Now, she might say, "This is a really bad time for me”, or something like "I just need some space” or, my personal favorite, "I'm really into my career right now”. You believe that? Neither does she. You know why? Because she's lying to you, that's why.