How to recover from bullying?

[James D]

I've been bullied in high school in the form of public humiliation from friends turned enemies.

They would tear me down, insult me and turn any of my feeble comeback attempts against me.

I was basically stuck since I could not even defend myself. It was always in my mind that answering back would end far worse for me so I took the verbal attacks in silence. In retrospect, I should have at least tried to defend myself given the repeated damage to my self-esteem.

It's been 6 years since but I still suffer from insecurities. When in social situations, if someone so much as teases me I get uncomfortable. The other day we were playing a game of Monopoly with some friends and another guy. The other guy was somehow low key teasing me. Nothing disrespectful as such. Just some jerk moves like telling me I should never even consider doing real estate and having everyone laugh. I immediately get sad and proceed to act even more awkward and insecure. I can't just turn it back on him since it's embedded in my mind that any attempts to defend myself will only serve as means for the attacker to make a fool out of me.

I don't know if I need therapy or something.

Any advice guys?

 

[DarkKnight]

I honestly don't get why you guys have such problems with basic assertivity. Maybe you see yourself as a bit too harmless? Maybe you need to embed into yourself that you CAN cause some damage. Go to a boxing class or something and let that toughen you up (you need to keep at it).

I see no other way, just become tougher.
It's going to sound like a joke, because I joke about it a lot on the chay, but maybe you should watch Cobra Kai season 1. You won't learn any tactic or anything but it's about people who let themselves be pushed around until they don't. Highly exaggerated ofcourse (it's a show) but the message is kinda relevant.

I believe one of the main culprits of this goes all the way back to kindergarten. "Violence solves nothing". "You have to call the teacher when you are bullied".

It was obvious for anyone with eyes that this was a load of crap.

 

[Fuck This]

God if you haven't learned to agree and amplify to disarm it you are behind....

 

[Starboy]

This is something that I still deal with personally. I was picked on relentlessly through ms and somewhat in hs(but not as much). I think about how much kids disrespected me and made a fool of me and it gets me angry and wishing I could get back at them and fight them since i'm much bigger now. Like you I was very timid back then and not very strong so I was worried about repercussions and I thought I was being the bigger man by not responding ,but now I know it's not the case. You shouldn't let anyone clown you or tease you. Unless they're your close true friends and they genuinely care for you nobody should treat you like that. If someone tries to tease me in a condescending way I would clap back at them or roast them. If that guy didn't try to make you feel bad and you know he had no bad intentions idk why you felt sad. Regardless you need to harden yourself a bit so that you won't be bothered by people unless you're actually threatened. Go to the gym workout,build muscles and get big. People will respect you more and won't try to play you as much and you'll feel much better about yourself.With the kids who bothered you back then they're not worth thinking about. Stop validating your own thoughts its pointless and a waste of time. You're not likely to see any of them again and they probably not doing shit with their life. One kid who talked some shit he goes to my gym,but I don't pay him no mind. He will try to say hi to me and I just say whats up in a neutral tone and keep it moving. He doesn't even cross my mind and other kids who fucked with you shouldn't either. So just focus on improving yourself and don't focus on people from your past they're insignificant af. Do things in the present that you can be proud of and surround yourself with cool friends and bad bitches that your past is like from an alternate universe.I'm still struggling to do this,but i've learned to become more aware of my own thoughts and the ones that are hurting me.

 

[James D]

This is something that I still deal with personally. I was picked on relentlessly through ms and somewhat in hs(but not as much). I think about how much kids disrespected me and made a fool of me and it gets me angry and wishing I could get back at them and fight them since i'm much bigger now. Like you I was very timid back then and not very strong so I was worried about repercussions and I thought I was being the bigger man by not responding ,but now I know it's not the case. You shouldn't let anyone clown you or tease you. Unless they're your close true friends and they genuinely care for you nobody should treat you like that. If someone tries to tease me in a condescending way I would clap back at them or roast them. If that guy didn't try to make you feel bad and you know he had no bad intentions idk why you felt sad. Regardless you need to harden yourself a bit so that you won't be bothered by people unless you're actually threatened. Go to the gym workout,build muscles and get big. People will respect you more and won't try to play you as much and you'll feel much better about yourself.With the kids who bothered you back then they're not worth thinking about. Stop validating your own thoughts its pointless and a waste of time. You're not likely to see any of them again and they probably not doing shit with their life. One kid who talked some shit he goes to my gym,but I don't pay him no mind. He will try to say hi to me and I just say whats up in a neutral tone and keep it moving. He doesn't even cross my mind and other kids who fucked with you shouldn't either. So just focus on improving yourself and don't focus on people from your past they're insignificant af. Do things in the present that you can be proud of and surround yourself with cool friends and bad bitches that your past is like from an alternate universe.I'm still struggling to do this,but i've learned to become more aware of my own thoughts and the ones that are hurting me.

Thanks for sharing your experience Starboy.
Really appreciate it

 

[Merchant's-Kin]

I've been bullied in high school in the form of public humiliation from friends turned enemies.

They would tear me down, insult me and turn any of my feeble comeback attempts against me.

I was basically stuck since I could not even defend myself. It was always in my mind that answering back would end far worse for me so I took the verbal attacks in silence. In retrospect, I should have at least tried to defend myself given the repeated damage to my self-esteem.

It's been 6 years since but I still suffer from insecurities. When in social situations, if someone so much as teases me I get uncomfortable. The other day we were playing a game of Monopoly with some friends and another guy. The other guy was somehow low key teasing me. Nothing disrespectful as such. Just some jerk moves like telling me I should never even consider doing real estate and having everyone laugh. I immediately get sad and proceed to act even more awkward and insecure. I can't just turn it back on him since it's embedded in my mind that any attempts to defend myself will only serve as means for the attacker to make a fool out of me.

I don't know if I need therapy or something.

Any advice guys?

I had an experience at the high school level where one of the popular girls who knew almost everyone as the term has been coined "threw me under the bus". My year was pretty small... About 100-200 ppl.

The outcome of the event are still very present in my life. At this very point in time, I have NO stable social circle.
However, I don't very commonly think about the experience or blame it anymore. I just TAKE ACTION to make my life better.
Reading the Traveller's Gift by Andy Andrews (Credits to @Mr.Rob for the life-changing recommendation) really helped me deal with bad experiences like these.

Most applicable tips from the book are
1. To forgive everyone who was involved, including myself (if I had been more skilled maybe the whole thing would not have happened, hence it may have been my fault, so I will forgive myself).
2. Take responsibility for what has happened to me (It was because of the way I was that that outcome came to fruition so as a result I will change myself so that such a turn of events will not happen in the future, AND accept that it is 100% my responsibility to recover from the incident ... this is something I have yet to get fully used to ... occasionally I would still have the thoughts "if they weren't so mean... etc")

There are seven decisions in the Traveller's Gift and honestly every single one of them applies, would recommend you check the book out.

 

[The Slay]

It's been 6 years since but I still suffer from insecurities. When in social situations, if someone so much as teases me I get uncomfortable. The other day we were playing a game of Monopoly with some friends and another guy. The other guy was somehow low key teasing me. Nothing disrespectful as such. Just some jerk moves like telling me I should never even consider doing real estate and having everyone laugh.

Clearly you were seen as a weak and easy target and thus he's elevating his status by pushing yours lowers with jokes at your expense. At the end of the day interactions are all power plays. Not the single objective per se, but it's always present. I'm hyperaware of any attempts at dominance or status plays by others and establishing myself as higher status than others around me and seen as the "boss". Many ways to handle it and assert yourself as someone you shouldn't use as a stepping stone for you due to, fear of the opposite happening by getting a retort outwitted, fear of physical violence, etc.

If you want to combat your meek and soft personality the first thing you should start doing is proactively dealing with anyone trying to demean you, make you comply, or manipulate you. You need Testosterone and an ego to have a personality built around getting what you want and placing yourself above everyone else.

Even if you don't know how to strike back at wolves; don't get in your feelings and shut down. That's the worst possible outcome for your self-growth. Break from your internal shackles, get mad about getting cucked left and right all your life. You won't look effortless at first but slowly you'll learn.

 

[Rain]

God if you haven't learned to agree and amplify to disarm it you are behind....

Which link do you mean:
The developattraction youtube link to keep your girlfriend interested? Guessing its not that one but just in case?
the changingminds.org link?
the reddit links?
the .red[red pill] link?

 

[Water]

I've been bullied in high school in the form of public humiliation from friends turned enemies.

They would tear me down, insult me and turn any of my feeble comeback attempts against me.

I was basically stuck since I could not even defend myself. It was always in my mind that answering back would end far worse for me so I took the verbal attacks in silence. In retrospect, I should have at least tried to defend myself given the repeated damage to my self-esteem.

It's been 6 years since but I still suffer from insecurities. When in social situations, if someone so much as teases me I get uncomfortable. The other day we were playing a game of Monopoly with some friends and another guy. The other guy was somehow low key teasing me. Nothing disrespectful as such. Just some jerk moves like telling me I should never even consider doing real estate and having everyone laugh. I immediately get sad and proceed to act even more awkward and insecure. I can't just turn it back on him since it's embedded in my mind that any attempts to defend myself will only serve as means for the attacker to make a fool out of me.

I don't know if I need therapy or something.

Any advice guys?

I have the opposite experience of you, but for an ironic reason. Stand up for yourself, and they will not fuck with you again. Even if you lose, but I am about to tell a story about physical violence as standing up for yourself. As you grow older you cannot utilize physical violence so nonchalantly. So, standing up and not backing down, or straight calling someone out who's bullying you. "Dude, I am sick of your fucking bullshit. Drop it."

I transferred to high school from a private school and knew nobody. I literally ate alone at lunch with my lunchbox and a lunchables lol. I remember people throwing ice at me and making racist remarks (I'm Asian-American). It pissed me off and that is something I can't imagine experiencing for a long duration of time. His name was Nate.

My second month of high school when I was 15 this kid in my history class always asked me for change for lunch and I always gave it to him since he seemed nice. Then I realized he was using me and saying really racist things behind my back. Saying I was a "dirty chink" and my money was "dirty, but at least it was free". When I heard that I told him to fight me off campus. He told me his brother would be there and would kick my ass.

That same day, I was determined to kick his ass at lunch. So, I went to the "popular kid's" table, the cheerleaders and seniors and football players and weightlifters, I only knew like 3 of them out of 4 tables full of strangers to me. I asked them all, "I'm about to kick someone's ass, who wants to watch?" (This might sound like bragging, but I am very proud of these times I stood up for myself lol) They all got up and followed me, I am sure many of them did not expect a fight to actually occur.

I walked out with a huge crowd behind me, saw Nate holding his drink, he dropped it and I sprinted after him, I tackled him into the bushes and beat him down with a crowd cheering, straight his face was fucked up. I got arrested at 15 years old though, but it was 100% worth it and I would've done it again.

Nobody bullied me for the rest of my 4 years of high school. A HUGE STATEMENT can have a lasting impact. That was sort of just me reminiscing over memory lane, and an extreme and obviously unnecessarily prolonged story lol. Hopefully, it was at least amusing.

 

[Water]

Additional note after reading your post again and trying to pick further clues, you can just as cleverly respond to these teasings. I would literally laugh if someone said I should never do real estate if I was losing in monopoly. Make a joke like, "Yeah, I shouldn't. But have fun in jail", not with any malice in my voice, with a smile and laughing immediately after.

Sometimes bullying can be resolved in 2 ways, off the top of my head, I'm sure there's more than 2.

1. You stand up to them and call them out.
(But in your case, it seems you should try option #2 first)

2. Disregard it and don't let it affect you. I used to be really insecure about Asian jokes and they pissed me off. My friends clarified the intent behind them when a friend is saying it, or an acquaintance.

Now it is genuinely funny to me, not joking, and not tricking myself. I love dropping Asian jokes on girls or friends, they get so shocked and then burst out laughing lol. Or playing along because they're only saying it in genuine jest. "Want my egg roll?" to girls I just meet, it's just ridiculous and far out there. Or, "I'll give you 2 inches of PURE PLEASURE." (Not funny to read, the tonality and inflection is what makes this statement funny) I've fucked a few girls after these kinds of jokes, they show a level of internal confidence, NOTE THAT I WAS NOT BEING SELF-DEPRECATING. I WAS GENUINELY HAVING FUN.
(IF THEY ARE YOUR REAL FRIENDS)

 

[Rain]

There's a post here by Chase about eg if you were bullied in the past:

why would a famous millionaire like chester commit suicide

linkin park is like the biggest band of all time,why would such a guy kill himself

www.skilledseducer.com

 

[Water]

There's a post here by Chase about eg if you were bullied in the past:

why would a famous millionaire like chester commit suicide

linkin park is like the biggest band of all time,why would such a guy kill himself

www.skilledseducer.com

I see. Let me check that out.

 

[DarkKnight]

@Water I don't see you as bragging at all since I had the same experiences. And I too make public humiliations as a deterrent to other would be harassers.. especiLly if I have a stake in the environment.

 

[Water]

@Water I don't see you as bragging at all since I had the same experiences. And I too make public humiliations as a deterrent to other would be harassers.. especiLly if I have a stake in the environment.

Thank you. I wasn't sure if it came off that way. Many people are very sensitive or threatened by any form of success, although this isn't a form a "success" in the traditional terms, it is an act many people won't do. I have male family members who get offended when I show off an attractive girl I met through cold approach. It's kind of pathetic lol.

 

[DarkKnight]

It's out of their reality water...

 

[Water]

It's out of their reality water...

Indeed.

 

[Mr STIF]

I was also bullied in military school but I've figured out that that happened to a lot of adults while growing up, also.

In short: I lived like an orphan for some months, malnourished and eating nasty stuffs as food but fuck that shit bro.

Everyday is a different day and the power that we have is that we can tweak our behaviors, activities or habits. However we wish.

All that bullying and shitty life that happened to me as a youth actually made me stronger. My family don't know what happened, Just I and my soul.

I don't take shit from nobody not even my family, I'm not a bully either. Just introverted but going for what I want and desire with a quiet confidence.

Some people have tried to bully me until I give them a laser focus grin and they see the military in me.

My inner self sees itself has an ex soldier and will take no shit especially from bloody civilians, maybe not in this fucking lifetime!

 

[foggy]

you need therapy.

i hope you can take the time to explore next steps and options for this today.