Socializing How to respond to backhanded complements

[Palmtree]

I am not much a fan of negs or backhanded complements after reading Chase's article on curious indifference.
However there will be situations where guys in social circle or sometimes even girls drop backhanded complements.

Some examples are.

1) That's a weird shirt.. How do you pull it off?
2) You seem to embrace the party when you are not with me(Means - I consider him/her more important and am very attracted to him/her).
3) You are such a nice guy we can't get along.
4) Sorry if I hurt your feelings.(Implies that he/she has major effect on my feelings).
5) I consider you "some complement" and that that is complement(Implies I am proving myself to the other person)

What would your response be in these situations?

(The instant someone says these I know that they are trying hard to pull me down and will distance myself from them, However in 1 on 1 situation or social situation ignoring them makes you look bad and getting reactive is also bad) .

 

[ulrich]

I’m not sure about 1 and 2. When I hear them, those usually mean no harm… they either mean surprise or concealed interest… so not sure if you’re a little paranoid here.

3 and 5 are definitely power moves… 4 might be in some cases.

I think there are three ways to handle this, but you got to be sensitive to which one is the more appropriate for the situation.

1) Ignore it.
Use this if the person throwing the insult is low value and you don’t want to do anything with him/her.
In this case, they are trying to bring you down to their level. You’re not likely to win any points with the audience by bringing down an already unlikeable character, so it’s not worth your time.

2) Reframe it as a compliment.
Use this if there’s a chance the girl or guy who said it is high value and could be just teasing you.
You’re going to win more points by being unaffected and reframe it like “oh yeah, weird shit happens to me all the time” or “it’s fun to be the nice guy, you get along with everyone”.
Some people like to tease hard to test what you’re made off… they’re just a little uncalibrated. With your attitude you’ll show that you’re unaffected and they should recognize your high value.
A lot of people will not catch the hint the first time so you have to be patient and give them two or three chances to be a little dickish before moving to option 3.

3) Confront them.
Use this only if it’s obvious that they want to get social points at your expense (either you know they do it constantly or you gave them several chances to save face and knock it off) and this is someone you can’t afford to ignore.
Whatever they’re saying, get emotional and reply with an even bigger accusation.
Call them on their bullshit and ask them to cut it off.
Be dramatic… this person has put you in the spotlight in front of other people. It is time to show that you can handle the audience. This is a show you’re putting for other people.
And be careful, this is the kind of thing that can get hotheaded and end up in a fight. Be prepared to fight if needed.
If winning the audience is not worth getting into a fight, then avoid this option. Just ignore and get out of that social circle.


In my personal opinion, option 3 should be used very rarely. Healthy adults should not be looking for fights in a regular basis.
If you find yourself with people constantly teasing you, consider these two possibilities:

a) You need to get out and find another social circle - this one is not healthy

b) You are in an all-guys group where they break balls consistently but with no ill intentions. In this case, maybe you should consider cultivating your patience. Many guys enjoy teasing their close friends. No bad intentions.

 

[Palmtree]

I’m not sure about 1 and 2. When I hear them, those usually mean no harm… they either mean surprise or concealed interest… so not sure if you’re a little paranoid here.

3 and 5 are definitely power moves… 4 might be in some cases.

I think there are three ways to handle this, but you got to be sensitive to which one is the more appropriate for the situation.

1) Ignore it.
Use this if the person throwing the insult is low value and you don’t want to do anything with him/her.
In this case, they are trying to bring you down to their level. You’re not likely to win any points with the audience by bringing down an already unlikeable character, so it’s not worth your time.

2) Reframe it as a compliment.
Use this if there’s a chance the girl or guy who said it is high value and could be just teasing you.
You’re going to win more points by being unaffected and reframe it like “oh yeah, weird shit happens to me all the time” or “it’s fun to be the nice guy, you get along with everyone”.
Some people like to tease hard to test what you’re made off… they’re just a little uncalibrated. With your attitude you’ll show that you’re unaffected and they should recognize your high value.
A lot of people will not catch the hint the first time so you have to be patient and give them two or three chances to be a little dickish before moving to option 3.

3) Confront them.
Use this only if it’s obvious that they want to get social points at your expense (either you know they do it constantly or you gave them several chances to save face and knock it off) and this is someone you can’t afford to ignore.
Whatever they’re saying, get emotional and reply with an even bigger accusation.
Call them on their bullshit and ask them to cut it off.
Be dramatic… this person has put you in the spotlight in front of other people. It is time to show that you can handle the audience. This is a show you’re putting for other people.
And be careful, this is the kind of thing that can get hotheaded and end up in a fight. Be prepared to fight if needed.
If winning the audience is not worth getting into a fight, then avoid this option. Just ignore and get out of that social circle.


In my personal opinion, option 3 should be used very rarely. Healthy adults should not be looking for fights in a regular basis.
If you find yourself with people constantly teasing you, consider these two possibilities:

a) You need to get out and find another social circle - this one is not healthy

b) You are in an all-guys group where they break balls consistently but with no ill intentions. In this case, maybe you should consider cultivating your patience. Many guys enjoy teasing their close friends. No bad intentions.

a) seems good because these kind of one-upping these guys tend to get into when there are girls. When there are girls it's like everyone is trying to pull others down and act like a big guy. These guys start acting like dogs fighting each other.

b) they barely pull such things when there are only guys.

 

[DarkKnight]

We really need a pinned post somewhere which answers these questions.. A lot of men don't know how to handle challenges.. This same question keeps resurfacing.

 

[Palmtree]

Ho

We really need a pinned post somewhere which answers these questions.. A lot of men don't know how to handle challenges.. This same question keeps resurfacing.

How would you have handled then?

 

[trashKENNUT]

@Palmtree

I like to offer a perspective.
Maybe this can help.

I really believe that hierarchy is your problem.

Whenever you enter a social circle, you need to first recognize what social circle that you are in, who you are in the social circle, what value you bring to the social circle in terms of rank/money, your influence in the social circle and how many people actually follow you

or in social media. How many people actually like your post, their reaction to your post.

While it is true that uriel noted that many guys like to tease each other. At the end of day, everything is still hierarchy.

And people are hierarchical.

They are very very hierarchical, tribal, a certain level of process.

And they get very defensive when other people rise up the ranks, make way through life, have a different approach to theirs, have a different worldview to theirs.

Now,

how does one example of hierarchy destroy your relationship with girls. And even your boss, teacher, mentor

Story 1:

I was working as a bartender in an office workplace. And there was only two workers. One girl and myself. Unfortunately, our manager had to be at the back and that now, both of us are now cleaning the table of cups and tissues.

This coworker, the girl stopped me and ask me to clean the tables out of the blue. I was self aware to recognize. And I just keep quiet.

the office girl who was in attendance with her boyfriend, was thirsty because of how I responded. However, she was coy about the whole thing.

I can't really approach her even if her boyfriend disappear, because remember

1)I am the low value guy (worker)
2)I am not close to the manager yet
3)Culturally, man are not supposed to approach women, women eMpoWAHMEnt BS, Woke-ism

Now, TLDR.

Even if you are great, the environment can work against you and that's just how it is. I believe this is what happens to you.

So, when something like this happen again,
1)Stop, mentally
2)Recognize what is going on
3)Look around you and see whether the public is looking at your response

If they look at you and laugh, they don't respect you. This happens when you just enter new social circles.

If they kinda confused and smile, there is a leader/'look dominant guy' in the social circle. However, the social circle is still establishing and you can still maneuver more from your hands.

If they don't look at you, then this is more difficult. Because you not really sure how the social arena has established or is it still forming.

this is the most hardest.

To add,

I am pretty confident that Girlschase members, most of them, after finding out Girlschase, are in this position.

They are in a new place. They feel good. Girlschase gives them life.

But they have the social hierarchy of the past. They have bad experiences with girls from the past. They are the low status guy in their social group. In their family, they are the third child or they are the elder brother and that responsibility and media painting you to carry the global workload even though they don't contribute much.

Thus, they are facing this problems, you mentioned, more common than everyone else.

It happens.
Not because people are assholes. Probably people are assholes.
But things happened.

My 2 cents: Follow the 3 pointers.

Bless
z@c+

 

[Palmtree]

@Palmtree

I like to offer a perspective.
Maybe this can help.

I really believe that hierarchy is your problem.

Whenever you enter a social circle, you need to first recognize what social circle that you are in, who you are in the social circle, what value you bring to the social circle in terms of rank/money, your influence in the social circle and how many people actually follow you

or in social media. How many people actually like your post, their reaction to your post.

While it is true that uriel noted that many guys like to tease each other. At the end of day, everything is still hierarchy.

And people are hierarchical.

They are very very hierarchical, tribal, a certain level of process.

And they get very defensive when other people rise up the ranks, make way through life, have a different approach to theirs, have a different worldview to theirs.

Now,

how does one example of hierarchy destroy your relationship with girls. And even your boss, teacher, mentor

Story 1:

I was working as a bartender in an office workplace. And there was only two workers. One girl and myself. Unfortunately, our manager had to be at the back and that now, both of us are now cleaning the table of cups and tissues.

This coworker, the girl stopped me and ask me to clean the tables out of the blue. I was self aware to recognize. And I just keep quiet.

the office girl who was in attendance with her boyfriend, was thirsty because of how I responded. However, she was coy about the whole thing.

I can't really approach her even if her boyfriend disappear, because remember

1)I am the low value guy (worker)
2)I am not close to the manager yet
3)Culturally, man are not supposed to approach women, women eMpoWAHMEnt BS, Woke-ism

Now, TLDR.

Even if you are great, the environment can work against you and that's just how it is. I believe this is what happens to you.

So, when something like this happen again,
1)Stop, mentally
2)Recognize what is going on
3)Look around you and see whether the public is looking at your response

If they look at you and laugh, they don't respect you. This happens when you just enter new social circles.

If they kinda confused and smile, there is a leader/'look dominant guy' in the social circle. However, the social circle is still establishing and you can still maneuver more from your hands.

If they don't look at you, then this is more difficult. Because you not really sure how the social arena has established or is it still forming.

this is the most hardest.

To add,

I am pretty confident that Girlschase members, most of them, after finding out Girlschase, are in this position.

They are in a new place. They feel good. Girlschase gives them life.

But they have the social hierarchy of the past. They have bad experiences with girls from the past. They are the low status guy in their social group. In their family, they are the third child or they are the elder brother and that responsibility and media painting you to carry the global workload even though they don't contribute much.

Thus, they are facing this problems, you mentioned, more common than everyone else.

It happens.
Not because people are assholes. Probably people are assholes.
But things happened.

My 2 cents: Follow the 3 pointers.

Bless
z@c+

Dude You definitely have many angles of looking at things. That is a very good quality.

And we are on the same page that when you are new to a well established group things are going to be more difficult add to that when there are some social climbers in there who will laugh at you or try to pull you down to make themselves look good.

My question would be how would you answer then? Ignoring might make it seem like they walked all over you according to my opinion.
Or would you have to hit them with a good zinger or try to burn them harder back?

 

[ulrich]

a) seems good because these kind of one-upping these guys tend to get into when there are girls. When there are girls it's like everyone is trying to pull others down and act like a big guy. These guys start acting like dogs fighting each other.

b) they barely pull such things when there are only guys.

Well, it that’s the case it seems that your friends are not good seducers and they’re still trapped in scarcity mentality.

If you value those friends perhaps it’s a good idea to stop going out with them when you want to get women.
They’re not good wingmen.

 

[Skills]

I am not much a fan of negs or backhanded complements after reading Chase's article on curious indifference.
However there will be situations where guys in social circle or sometimes even girls drop backhanded complements.

Some examples are.

1) That's a weird shirt.. How do you pull it off?
2) You seem to embrace the party when you are not with me(Means - I consider him/her more important and am very attracted to him/her).
3) You are such a nice guy we can't get along.
4) Sorry if I hurt your feelings.(Implies that he/she has major effect on my feelings).
5) I consider you "some complement" and that that is complement(Implies I am proving myself to the other person)

What would your response be in these situations?

(The instant someone says these I know that they are trying hard to pull me down and will distance myself from them, However in 1 on 1 situation or social situation ignoring them makes you look bad and getting reactive is also bad) .

Why don't you flip all that with questions about their questions..
1. What do you find weird about it?
2. What makes you arrive to that conclusion?
3. Really! And what makes you think I am nice and trying to get along with you?
4. What makes you believe you hurt my feelings?
You get the point, ask in a you are ridiculous subcommunication