How to respond to people whose moods are kinda off?

[James D]

Last night, as I picked my girlfriend up to go see a movie we both planned to watch, I noticed she looked really tired. She usually is the very energetic, cracking jokes type of girl. But in her tired state, she was not laughing much and my attempts to initiate a vibrant conversation fell flat. Now, she wasn't being moody or anything so I couldn't really ask " Is there something wrong?" Nevertheless the situation was such that I could tell her mood was kinda off but it wasn't off enough for me to call it out. The whole time I'm trying to figure out what is wrong with me.

Since my conversations attempts kept falling flat, I just let the silence grow. We walked maybe an hour around the mall, speaking very little. She looked kinda distant as well, not very enthusiastic. We held hands but it fell kinda weird. She was not being physically close. She just walked her own way. I felt that "coldness" and somehow reciprocated by being distant myself.

Right before the movie she tells me that our silence is so awkward. I tell her that I tried to initiate convos but she didn't respond favorably.
She then said, "I'm not always fun and happy. I told you I was super tired. I almost cancelled this movie night but I really wanted to see you. You cant always expect me to be joyful and energetic. I can't always be the one talking. And you are just being distant. You are barely looking at me, you just walk super slow. You look uninterested"

I rebutted the fact that I was distant but I did not accuse her of being distant herself because I had no specific examples in mind and I didnt wanna start any drama. I then played it cool and everything went fine ( although she really was dead tired and fell asleep in the middle of the movie).

This is a common trend I see happening with me: For some reason someone's mood is off. They are distant. Because they are being distant, I feel like I'm the one 'chasing' if I try to initiate. Acting like everything is normal is really hard, especially when I receive no feedback. My question is : How do I proceed in these situations?

Because me reacting to their mood ends up in 2 persons both being with their moods kinda off and the whole thing gets spoiled. But me trying to pretend like everything is fine doesn't work. And, I really wanna point this out, it is not one of these situations where you can just call her out on the mood. Because it is not so obvious but you still kinda feel the "off mood" (maybe mirror neurons or something)

 

[Fuck This]

I totally get this....Not that I have a solution but I think it is a common thing in relationships.

 

[James D]

I totally get this....Not that I have a solution but I think it is a common thing in relationships.

Fuck This,

This is my second relationship and yes, I've had those slight issues in both.
I wish there was a way around this or at least a way to minimize the drawbacks.
Maybe by having a specific behavior? I really don't know...

JD

 

[JacobPalmer]

The only way I can see averting this is by being a bit harsh.

You would basically just tell her something like (use your own words though):

"Listen, I like hanging out with you, but if you're extra tired or in a shitty mood then I don't want to hang out with you. Stay home and when you're feeling better I'd love to see you. Because when we're together I want us to have fun, not for our time together to feel like a chore. Understood?"

She's going to get pissed, but it asserts such a strong frame from you that you're high value. Don't get pissed at her for being pissed. Come at it from the perspective of valuing your time and hers.

 

[Michal]

The only way I can see averting this is by being a bit harsh.

You would basically just tell her something like (use your own words though):

"Listen, I like hanging out with you, but if you're extra tired or in a shitty mood then I don't want to hang out with you. Stay home and when you're feeling better I'd love to see you. Because when we're together I want us to have fun, not for our time together to feel like a chore. Understood?"

She's going to get pissed, but it asserts such a strong frame from you that you're high value. Don't get pissed at her for being pissed. Come at it from the perspective of valuing your time and hers.

From my experience you should communicate this before such situation occurs. Not when she is in that mood already. She told you she wanted to cancel but she did not, she forced herself to go. She invested a lot. And if you scold her like this, yes, she would be pissed but it would also do damage. If you want to set the frame, set it in the beginning and then do not break it. That is when girls get attracted. When they try some shit which is "against your principles (frames)" and you do not back down and bend over. Not when you are domineering. In situations lije this you need empathy and match the mood and go do something which matches the mood. Imagine how would you treat her if she was sick. You can skip that stuff of course, dont do anything, just tell her to get better of course. It all depends on what kind of relationship it is. If fwb, I get it. If LTR, and you ignore her when she is "off", she will feel like she has no support.

 

[JacobPalmer]

The only way I can see averting this is by being a bit harsh.

You would basically just tell her something like (use your own words though):

"Listen, I like hanging out with you, but if you're extra tired or in a shitty mood then I don't want to hang out with you. Stay home and when you're feeling better I'd love to see you. Because when we're together I want us to have fun, not for our time together to feel like a chore. Understood?"

She's going to get pissed, but it asserts such a strong frame from you that you're high value. Don't get pissed at her for being pissed. Come at it from the perspective of valuing your time and hers.

From my experience you should communicate this before such situation occurs. Not when she is in that mood already. She told you she wanted to cancel but she did not, she forced herself to go. She invested a lot. And if you scold her like this, yes, she would be pissed but it would also do damage. If you want to set the frame, set it in the beginning and then do not break it. That is when girls get attracted. When they try some shit which is "against your principles (frames)" and you do not back down and bend over. Not when you are domineering. In situations lije this you need empathy and match the mood and go do something which matches the mood. Imagine how would you treat her if she was sick. You can skip that stuff of course, dont do anything, just tell her to get better of course. It all depends on what kind of relationship it is. If fwb, I get it. If LTR, and you ignore her when she is "off", she will feel like she has no support.

Good point here by Michal, asserting this in the beginning of the relationship is ideal.

 

[naturalmikey]

you're not responsible for her happiness. it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you. if you're not feeling the vibe you can always end the date.

 

[naturalmikey]

law of state transference is when you are feeling something and are grounded in your reality she will feel it too. if she is feeling something and is grounded in her reality you will feel it to. whoever is most strongly grounded in their reality and emotions at the time transfers their state to the other. if you are both grounded in your reality move on. if you stay in set long enough one of you is gonna win and one is gonna lose your frame. the last thing you want is to fall in her negative frame. stay positive and spread the positivity. if she is grounded in negativity don't take that energy on. you can win her over, but it's at a huge risk to your own state.