How to take a compliment? How to behave in the spotlight?

[TheWiseFool]

The subject of this post says it all. If it is a one on one situation, I can take compliments just fine. I get really nervous and start to feel embarrassed any time someone compliments me in front of a bunch of people though because then everyone starts looking at me and I'm thinking, "No no it's nothing really, I'm not that special. Please go on about your day!" Then I feel EXTREMELY embarrassed and out of place when the situation is multiple people talking about me in an endearing way. Some people would kill for attention, but I just run away from it. Although I can be extroverted when the situation calls for it, I am an introvert at heart; I prefer to be off to the side observing or in the position of making someone else feel good.

Any advice fellas? Do you just smile and say thank you, use self-deprecation, ignore it? Should I compliment the other person back about something I like about them?

I think the worst part about self-deprecation is that it just adds fuel to the fire. "Oh what a stand up guy. So humble!" Like... even now my body is tensing up like I'm some escaped prisoner who just got caught by the lamplights of a helicopter.

Compliments are great! Just in small doses.... anymore than that and I start to feel like everyone is being fake when the reality is that they are genuine OR I'm on punk'd or something...

I know it is a perceptual problem. If you can suggest a different alternative perception that would be great! I want to be able to receive a compliment humbly without feeling like I have to compliment the other person BECAUSE they complimented me.

Person: "I really like your jacket."
Me: "Thanks...." >_> ".... I like... your..." *looks person up and down but doesn't find anything really interesting* "... your shirt! I like *insert random things*"

And then I blank on what to do after that.

 

[Oskar]

Hello TWF,

This is actually one of the first questions I asked that sparked my now much deeper interest in the social arts. It was some years back after I first upgraded my style and was getting a lot of compliments but felt like I was all too often shooting myself in the foot with my return volley.

After some thought, I came upon the opinion that I still have today. My conclusion: it's usually better to just say "thank you" but not to reciprocate with a compliment of your own, because there is a medium level risk of your return compliment seeming/being contrived, which shows that you are unwilling/incapable to take a compliment. Better to just reward them with a genuine smile and a sincere "thank you" and not worry about reciprocating immediately. A time will come for that (i.e., once they've earned it). If you still want to return the compliment though, you should save it for a bit later (even if only a few seconds later; think reactions vs results -- you don't want to be reacting immediately after someone compliments you just as you don't want to pull a girl the moment she gives a signal that she is ready to go). The only exception where I do this is when I am in a super positive mood and I know that everything I say will just light people up, or if there is already a mutually recognized spark between me and someone else, and we are just sharing high quality positive emotions together. For me these are only girls who I talk to with whom it's immediately "on" and high status guys who don't ladder climb. Always a refreshing scenario. But most people are climbing ladders to varying degrees of doggedness. By just saying "thank you" you guard yourself from the eternal flatterer -- those who try and soften you up so they can get what they want, as well as the other leaches who will use this as a way to take status from you by subtly (or not so subtly) rejecting your reciprocity, as well as the people who will use it to throw you off/put you in the spotlight for their own ends.

Basically, just convey that compliments from people you aren't intimate with don't effect you all that much, because who needs them/what do they know? You get them all the time anyway -- so just shrug it off prosocially and graciously.

That all said, it's not all that bad to do the compliment exchange, it's just a bit cliche and obviously contrived, in my opinion. Just don't focus on superficial things, instead compliment about one's character or cold read something positive about them. Give them something fresh, genuine, and enthusiastic and you'll make a much better impression. And if you decide to just say "thank you" and not immediately reciprocate, you can subtly demonstrate your social dexterity and ability to manage tension while staying true to the law of least effort.

-Oskar

P.S. On self-deprication -- don't always use it. If you want to defuse the situation, just stay neutral. Self-deprication has the problem that it rarely helps cut through the film of superficiality. Most people can't tell the difference between genuine and fake self-deprication, so keep their guards up to it, in my experience. And in groups, do the same thing and then thread cut. Just move the conversation along and don't draw much attention to it, unless you want to.

 

[TheWiseFool]

Ah thanks Oskar. I can't add much cos I was nodding a lot and agreeing with many of the points you provided.

That all said, it's not all that bad to do the compliment exchange, it's just a bit cliche and obviously contrived, in my opinion.

Especially this, very very cliche, even though people just have to say something to get it off their chest.

Great stuff, thanks again man! Your answer was very thoughtful and helpful!

 

[daviddreamer]

I usually just downplay

"Ah thanks man but I'm not that great I have more to work on"

etc....

Be humble.