Socializing How to Take Competition Seriously Without Taking Competition Seriously?

[metalbird]

I've realized over the past year or so, as I've made friends with some very successful and charismatic guys, that most guys who fall into the successful, seductive category, have a certain attitude towards competition. Not just competition about girls, in fact, often least about girls. It's about every type of competition, from simple bets and games, to big things like business deals and making money.

Often these types of guys love to make little competitions out of everything, and they usually win. But even when they don't, they have an attitude about it that is incredibly attractive and garners respect and admiration from men and women.

I am so "not that way", it's hard for me to even describe them in words. I only know how to not care about things and not try, or care about them and try super hard. But guys with this sort of attitude somehow do both. It's like they can try super hard, put in a bunch of effort, practice, do their best and push everything to the max, but at the same time it seems like they don't care and aren't really trying, or at least they're not emotionally invested. It seems like they have zero fear of losing, and yet they are still highly motivated.

How do you learn to foster that attitude? To love winning without fearing losing? To try hard without tryharding?

 

[Rakehell]

Haha I know exactly what you’re talking about.

Your friends they seem to give it their all but harbor no ill feelings when things don't work out?

It’s called being a good sport and it is indeed very attractive. Give it your all but have fun while doing it, if you win don’t gloat but show appreciation for all the fun your competition provided you, afterall competition is fun.

And if you lose? Do the same thing (unless your competition is disrespectful). With disrespectful competition I’ll discourse and banter with them playfully or roughly it depends on how they’re being. Sometimes you might have to brush it off or frame it as going easy on them.

And challenge them again but keep the positivity

The next step is challenging again until you get your fill.

You have to genuinely enjoy the thrill of competing moreso than what you’re competing for. That way even when you lose you win.

This is why they seem like they don’t care, they don’t care about the prize, therefore they take the most risks and often succeed.

 

[Lover]

Do more things for the thrill, not for the gains. You do these things because they provide you an emotional kick, not because you care about the outcome itself. It's kind of a hedonistic way to do things and stay focused on the present moment.

You don't know if you are alive tomorrow. And you can't do everything in life for the sake of long term gains - unless you find a way to use hedonistic measures as a means to an end. So you tell yourself "who cares if I get it - it's the emotional ride I'm here for"

If you take yourself too seriously, this will be hard in the beginning. It can be very refreshing to see things from this angle. I definitely know where you are coming from, and I am cutting lots of ego off these days to become more like this myself.

 

[DarkKnight]

I think I fall into the category you described metalbird.

"but at the same time it seems like they don't care and aren't really trying, or at least they're not emotionally invested" -> I believe these are theatrics. I can do things super intense and act as if it was "easy" or "not a big deal" .. It basically amplifies law of least effort. Succesful men are usually prideful men...

If someone is truly competitive they do care, but you don't pierce through the image they want you to see

To quote the Batman movie.

"Theatricality and deception are powerful agents to the uninitiated".

 

[Rakehell]

If you take yourself too seriously, this will be hard in the beginning. It can be very refreshing to see things from this angle. I definitely know where you are coming from, and I am cutting lots of ego off these days to become more like this myself.

Yess this is key, also sharing your gift with others.

When you are great at something you don’t mind having people on your team who’s abilities are lacking. And when they screw up you don’t berate them or even acknowledge it. Even if you score 100 hypothetical points and still lose you lose with a smile and appreciation for the people and the experience. You don’t cast blame or up your accomplishments.

 

[Will_V]

I like @Lover's response.

I am by nature like the OP, I have a rational mind that easily gets worked up into deep loops of thinking. But I have learned to develop different sides of myself.

For me, the difference is how much my actions are controlled by my 'body' rather than my 'head'. For example, in day game I have to go in without a script. Because if I go in with any script, any idea of how things might be, my rational mind starts getting invested and checking if I have done XYZ properly or not, or whether step A happened and whether that means I should do step B, etc.

Whereas when I am instinctive, I can appear (and actually be a lot of the time) carefree in situations that I would normally feel pressured. My mind is almost dormant, but my body is very much alive. And there is a certain kind of awareness you get in that sort of state (which I reach by meditation) that allows you to actually become extremely conscious of the smallest details without them becoming a mental burden whatsoever, and where they leave your consciousness in the exact moment that you have dealt with them.

 

[Lover]

After my initial post, my brain reminded me of something.

Why is it that guys who take life too seriously can look at other people who take life less seriously - around other people - and ask "how can I be like that?"

But once we have ranted about not taking life too seriously, we watch funny Youtube videoes, anime, tv series and movies, which serve no purpose to our long term goals. Yeah I am guilty of this myself.

Some people looked at me in times when I was less serious and asked me "you seem so carefree, how?" (I had my moments haha), then indulge themselves in mindless entertainment afterwards - alone.

The point is we do indulge in emotional thrills already. But we probably do them by ourselves.

All those media I mentioned above are just for entertainment purposes. Odds are that we just do them by ourselves instead of other people. Maybe one simple thing to do is expose ourselves more to other people and share these moments with them instead.

 

[metalbird]

@Lover That is a good point. I will say I don't do any of the things that you mention. I spend every waking hour that I can working. I also am a very serious person. Even my humor is biting and sardonic. In my case, that comes from too many years of hard knocks and getting beat down by life. I was much more carefree when I was younger. They say that this is the natural course of getting older and more mature, however, I'm still not sure where the line is between "maturing" and "trauma and negative momentum".

Maybe the secret to not being afraid of losing is not knowing how bad things can get when you lose in life. But I also believe that it's possible to go back to an earlier state of confidence and self-assuredness. I will say, that in my immediate social circle, I am about average in terms of seriousness. My boss, for example, is constantly about 3x as stressed and serious as I am. The friends that I speak of in the OP all have much less stressful jobs, even if they work as many hours.

But, beyond that, I think there is a difference in core personality traits. But maybe I'm just evaluating people in different contexts, which is something that you rightly suggest.