how to/whether to get back in the game

lao che

Cro-Magnon Man
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what follows is somewhat rambling. i've left out a lot, needless details i suppose, but ultimately the question is how can i, as an older gent, get back in the game with the ladies, and, should i even bother?


long story short - i got old really fast, and now i don't even know whether i should be approaching girls, let alone how.
about six months ago i had a couple of relationships end really badly and i went from relative abundance to nothing.
winter was terrible i had a nervous breakdown (i guess) followed swiftly by a midlife crisis. i've cried like a little bitch dozens of times over the last six months. nowhere to turn and no-one to talk to, and well, nobody wants a pity party.
i've been through the fire and made it to the other side, but a part of me has died, had to die, in order for me to grow. i was grieving for a time but i've come to terms with a few things and realized a few other things. i'm making progress in some areas, and generally feeling positive but, no man is an island and i would like to not be incel for the remainder of my life.

besides a few opportunities that i wasted, and a handjob in the shower, i haven't got laid since last october. although that doesn't really bother me, i'm 42 now and 6 months passes like a couple of weeks.
now though, i can't help seeing myself as an old man, and the thought of approaching teenage girls seems ridiculous. over the space a few months my outlook changed considerably.
now when i'm making my way through the city streets, all i see is things i can't have. i feel regret and sadness, and grief, because i got nothing to offer a hot young girl. it's too late. i had my time in the sun.

one obvious conclusion is i have to level up my game. but i'm wondering whether it's even worth it. i can't exactly pull off older-guy-provider-game, coz i gots nuthin'.
and i'm maybe not quite yet too far over the hill to pull off sport-fuck game, but it's close. and it's not like a girl can't get that somewhere else, younger, taller, better looking or whatever. i've done alright, but i guess not too many girls are having wet dreams about the guy who's older than their father.
but shit, no man is an island, and well, i'm fucking lonely a lot. i don't really have any solid friends, and i'm also yearning for a child. i wanna have a baby, i've been feeling it for a long time and my clock is ticking too.
i should have put a baby in my girl last year.


so i guess the first step is to test some of my assumptions, and get approaching. i shall probably have to lower my standards considerably. i can't even get a fucking tinder match these days. let alone a date.
next step is keep planning for the future, stay out of trouble and get my money working for me.

i feel like i'm at a crucial stage in my life, and i have some decisions to make, some paths to choose. i've had some lateral movement recently, but need to keep pushing forward, don't get complacent and don't get comfortable. this is another reason why i've let my love-life slide, because it kinda feels like "been there done that" ... still though, i could use some feminine energy in my home.
 

Grand Pooba

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Midlife crisis.
You have to come to terms with yourself. Be at peace with your journey.
 

lao che

Cro-Magnon Man
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not for the first time, Mr pooba, you've provided somewhat of a non-reply.

thanks for taking the time to do that, though. better than nothing :)
 

Inbocca

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Still a young buck here but I hope this helps.

You said you're looking for some feminine energy, and you also want a kid. Those sound like things people (men and women) want more as they get older. Priorities are changing and you're feeling empty because you don't have the things you want to have and envisioned having by now when you were younger. I could be wrong, but it sounds like maybe you're still wanting to get with younger women to prove to yourself you've still got it; that you could get with them if that was what you really wanted. You've got experience and an older, mature perspective; a lot of younger girls find that attractive. Still, I suspect if you got that you wouldn't be satisfied long-term because the vast majority of young girls won't want the same things you do. You might be better off looking for someone who does want those same things.

Specialize your focus a bit more. Based on your age, experiences, and your rank, you're not a total novice to this. You don't need to be a spambot and approach everything you remotely want to fuck to get better. You might be rusty, but you can get back into it. PrettyDecent has some thoughts on what happens when you get back into things after being away for a while. In the interest of time (if you do want to have kids in a reasonable time frame), I would focus more on girls you know are also looking to have kids. You can get accustomed to girls by going through the others, but it won't be as time efficient.
 

lao che

Cro-Magnon Man
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Inbocca said:
Still a young buck here but I hope this helps.

You said you're looking for some feminine energy, and you also want a kid. Those sound like things people (men and women) want more as they get older. Priorities are changing and you're feeling empty because you don't have the things you want to have and envisioned having by now when you were younger. I could be wrong, but it sounds like maybe you're still wanting to get with younger women to prove to yourself you've still got it; that you could get with them if that was what you really wanted. You've got experience and an older, mature perspective; a lot of younger girls find that attractive. Still, I suspect if you got that you wouldn't be satisfied long-term because the vast majority of young girls won't want the same things you do. You might be better off looking for someone who does want those same things.

Specialize your focus a bit more. Based on your age, experiences, and your rank, you're not a total novice to this. You don't need to be a spambot and approach everything you remotely want to fuck to get better. You might be rusty, but you can get back into it. PrettyDecent has some thoughts on what happens when you get back into things after being away for a while. In the interest of time (if you do want to have kids in a reasonable time frame), I would focus more on girls you know are also looking to have kids. You can get accustomed to girls by going through the others, but it won't be as time efficient.


yes you're right. i can't go back to how i was doing it before. day gaming and discreet social circle and just living it up. i need to focus on finding someone to share a future with. maybe someone a little older (shudder haha)

thanks for the prettydecent link
 

Hector Papi Castillo

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Either get back into it or don't. It's not a complicated situation. and Pooba provided as good an answer as any. Do you think possibly you're taking your frustration out on him? Something to consider. I could be wrong.

In response to one other thing you said - man is an island; you're fully capable of being alone, if that's what you want.

"Isolation is the gift" - Charles Bukowski

You are having a midlife crisis, as Pooba pointed out. You're asking yourself what comes next. Nothing comes next. Only what you want does. Then, death comes (grandmother just passed yesterday and I forgot to wish her a happy mother's day last week; funny how things happen, eh?). There is no stopping it :)

Hector
 

Bboy100

Cro-Magnon Man
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You're clearly going through some shit. You pointed it out yourself, you're having a midlife crisis. You say you've moved on from that, but its clear based on the tone of your writing that you're not. So get your life sorted out for real, then get back in the game. Its not about learning to be attractive, its about being attractive. Right now, you're an emotional mess, and are therefore not very attractive. Live through the grief of whatever is going on, sort out any loose ends (might be easier said than done), then move on.

As for being too old...I won't pretend there aren't disadvantages. Especially if you're trying to go for "teenagers". That could be difficult. But if you're okay with even women in their early or mid twenties, you actually bring a lot to the table. Including not limited to:
- Better social skills (cause you probably have more experience. This includes pretty much everything non-fundamental related that's taught here at GC and everywhere else)
- More emotionally stable (Usually. Maybe for you specifically, not rn because of whatever you're going through. But you'll get there soon enough.)
- Probably higher status job/position in life. And if not, you probably have a decent amount of experience & connections and can therefore secure a high status positon more easily
- Kinder/more empathetic than most younger guys (yes, believe it or not, those are traits women value!)
- Better leadership skills than most younger guys.
...basically, anything that's not fundamentals related is something you probably outcompete younger guys at. Just because you have more life experience than most of them.

and any deficiencies in fundamentals (e.g. "looking older") can very easily be remedied via good exercise, nutrition, & sleep. Most people, including most guys in their 20s and 30s don't take good care of themselves at all. So closing the gap is very easy if you do.

Rememeber...men's attractiveness on average, peaks much later in life and declines much slower (most women peak at around 24-29 & rapidly become less attractive thereafter, whereas most men peak at around 38-40 and can remain attractive if they have their shit together for a long time after)
 

lao che

Cro-Magnon Man
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lao che said:
... followed swiftly by a midlife crisis.... i was grieving for a time but i've come to terms with a few things



Grand Pooba said:
Midlife crisis. You have to come to terms with yourself.


----------------------------------------------


Anatman said:
Either get back into it or don't. It's not a complicated situation.



this is the girlschase forum, yes? i'd come to expect better than irrelevant non-answers and trite yoda-esque platitudes (not a frustration, an observation)



sorry for your loss. be well
 

Ree

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Anatman said:
Either get back into it or don't. It's not a complicated situation. and Pooba provided as good an answer as any. Do you think possibly you're taking your frustration out on him? Something to consider. I could be wrong.

In response to one other thing you said - man is an island; you're fully capable of being alone, if that's what you want.

"Isolation is the gift" - Charles Bukowski

You are having a midlife crisis, as Pooba pointed out. You're asking yourself what comes next. Nothing comes next. Only what you want does. Then, death comes (grandmother just passed yesterday and I forgot to wish her a happy mother's day last week; funny how things happen, eh?). There is no stopping it :)

Hector

i dont feel like i got the stripes to comment here,but i agree with hector on the point of man being an island...i find i am happiest when alone...infact the reason i like game is the power of going out,picking up a stranger ,and going back to being alone....it is easy being alne as long as i am confident i can get someone when i want
 

lao che

Cro-Magnon Man
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493
@Ree

you don't see that you contradict yourself?

you're saying man is an island - an island with regular visitors to walk upon his sand, who then at the end of the day board the ferry and sail away leaving the island in a contented peace

that's a lot different than a distant island isolated from other civilizations.


silence is golden after the hubbub. isolation is the gift - after the party


it is easy being alone as long as i am confident i can get someone when i want

we come full circle
 

Atlas

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Hey lao che, I haven't been on these boards as recently as I have wanted but I think I understand the jist of your situation. Unfortunately, without more details I am unsure of whether or not I can help you solve your problem but I can give it a shot. I understand that you are having a mid life crisis. Admittedly, I am just a college student, so I wouldn't know much about those, but I have had a tough time in the past and managed to get through it. Now you say that you are old, and that you wonder if you should get back into "game". I think that's a fairly simple question with a fairly simple answer considering you say you want kids; yes, you should. You surmised that if you did, you don't have anything to offer these younger women. I can answer this query with a story of something that happened recently.

I went to the store with my father (a mid 50 year old man who is happily married to my mother) and we were walking down the ice cream isle. He saw some girl aged about 20ish and said "hey have you tried blahblahblah's rocky road ice cream?? (He made an orgasmic like face and said) ahhhh its so good, you have to try it!" He did this for no other reason than to strike up a conversation with a stranger and she loved it. This happens all of time; when we go out to eat, when we go to the doctors together, etc. He consistently meets some of my females friends and I swear some of them like him more than they like me. I consistently have one girl who I went out with a few times keep asking me about him and states she loves him and he's the coolest person she's ever met. And this is coming from a college girl who gets hundreds of likes on Instagram and Facebook (although don't they all nowadays lol). My father has never tried to sleep with any of them obviously, but I imagine that he could if he wanted to. I say this story not to brag about how awesome my father is, but how possible it is to still get girls (and young ones) in your situation.

Something I have noticed throughout reading your reply to others is you seem to be of an angry disposition. Considering what you are going through, I would imagine that is natural, but you aren't doing yourself in favors by acting that way. Also, there is no sense in dismissing other people's opinions on here. No one will be able to tell you anything that will change your life like a magic bullet, you must take the reins for yourself. Moving on, I notice when my father interacts with these younger women, he is really cheerful and talks about all of the different stories he has about traveling. Maybe you have those stories, maybe not but I'm sure you can find some interesting things to talk about. Plus, I know plenty of girls my age who like older men.

Either way, my advice to you would be to adopted a cheerful attitude and try to do the best with what you are have. Before my grandmother passed away, she always used to tell me that there is no sense in worrying about things that you cannot change every time I would get sad. And it makes sense! Don't stress about how you might be a little bit older than some of the other guys girls may talk to, use it to your advantage! 42 is not that old, and feeling sad and dissonant isn't going to make your situation any better. I really hope some of what I said helps you in some way because you have given me good advice in the past. Good luck.

Keep It Real,
Atlas
 

lao che

Cro-Magnon Man
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hi atlas, thanks for your reply. glad to hear i was able to offer you some help in the past

sounds like you've been going through some things yourself recently. changes, growing out of your old self into a new one. that's what i think the so-called midlife crisis is - growing pains, saying good bye to a part of yourself, and learning to grow into a new part.
so it's nothing to fear. once you come to terms with whatever has been troubling you , you can look forward to something new. or, at least, accept.
i've been through it. i'm ok now. not angry! (although i would say anger, or outrage, does seem to be my default setting, like the dad in the movie inside out) nor am i dismissive of the opinions of others. as far as i can see the only anger in the thread has come from mr castillo, but that's nothing to take personally.

sounds'like you have a pretty cool old man. in fact it kinda sounds like he is trying to show you the ropes; pass on the torch.
no doubt the girls think he's great, but do they see him in a sexual way? i have my doubts but i'm happy to be wrong. i think it's like a safety thing, like with gays. girls feel comfortable flirting coz they don't see him as a sexual threat

my dad is pretty gregarious, too. everyone in my home town knows his name. i remember a childhood neighbour's daughter, (about five years older than me) when i was in my late teens, telling me how she thought my dad was great and really funny etc. i was astonished by this as he and i were never close and i always disliked the many parts of myself i'd inherited from him. but people seem to like him and people seem to like me so i guess we're doing something right.
this girl had gotten pregnant in her teens and had a grown child by this time. i don't think her feelings towards my dad were anything other than platonic. or were they? i mean, my dad wasn't an attractive guy - to me. but i'm pretty attractive, and not much younger than he would have been at the time.

anyway, anyone reading this thread has to understand that i was doing quite well for myself into not too long ago. so i don't have a sense of limiting beliefs that girls won't hook up with older guys.but before i was an old young guy and now i'm a young old guy. i'm like your dad now. girls love flirting with me but when it comes time for the rubber to meet the road they get cold feet.

we'll see. i'm not done trying yet :) i could certainly use a map though
 

Chase

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Lao Che-

Sorry to see this happen. Looks like I'm a month late to the thread.

Well, I'm sure you know at a logical level there's no difference between you now vs. you six months ago. And that 42 is not old.

I talked about age quite a bit in my two articles on this. If it's been a while since you read them, I suggest a re-read:


I've noticed there are lots of older guys who are just old. I think this is what you mean by 'young old' - you're physically young, but mentally in an "I'm all worn out and shriveled up" kinda place.

I think my prime recommendation would be to focus on stuff that will get you making forward progress again. Hit the gym, start to lift, put on muscle. Go learn something cool - learn to surf, learn to ski, learn to snowboard. Or take up a martial art. Work on yourself for a bit. I suspect once you've seen a few months of real, steady gains in a 'cool' area like lifting, surfing, kicking ass, etc., you will start to get your young guy swagger back again. Testosterone, too, should be a big focus. Look for ways to increase yours. 2/3 of the time when I see guys who got laid a lot then suddenly girls stop jumping in the sack with them, it's testosterone problems. Fix them and the problem vanishes. (all those recommendations above, by the way, will get your testosterone flowing; hard physical work + lots of manly action gets your T-levels in gear)

Also, if there's an age limit for attracting younger women, it's somewhere past your mid-60s. I know a pair of guys right now in their mid-60s who are still attractive to early 20s women. Of course, these guys are lean, confident, and charismatic, and mildly successful in their careers... all of which seem to be prerequisites past a certain point. But more for you and the image you project / feel confident projecting, than necessarily for the girl.

Anyway, the problem's in your head. Best way to work on it is to provide your head enough evidence that things are going in the opposite direction from where it thinks they're going. Start building yourself up again in cool, attractive ways and you should relight that fire.

Chase

UPDATE: here's the post on the low testosterone problem: The Low Testosterone, No Girls Funk
 

Cacc

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death comes (grandmother just passed yesterday and I forgot to wish her a happy mother's day last week; funny how things happen, eh?). There is no stopping it :)

I saw a movie of a guy that had a tough rship with his father who fell ill and was in the hospital. The man didn't visit his father thinking he'd be fine, and his dad died days later.

A week after watching that movie my 95 year old friend fell ill and was in the hospital on friday. I put off visiting him over the weekend till the next week on wednesday and he passed away early Monday.

You don't think something will happen to you... Until it does.
 

lao che

Cro-Magnon Man
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hi Chase, thanks for taking the time.

re: the testosterone, etc, i'm in great shape, it's my main selling point, lol. i posted my home workout on the boards sometime back. i stopped working out though since i became addicted to jiu-jitsu.
before, i was training jiu-jitsu 3 times a week and working out at home in between. but i started to train 5 days a week, sometimes twice a day, in prep for a competition. after that i found i couldn't stop. it's the only thing i've ever been motivated to do.
i can run rings around my younger brethren (in terms of stamina, not always skill). jiu-jitsu is a great workout, and it really helped me during my previous hard times - having the routine, and a place to feel welcome and like "normal", and being able to share knowledge and learn something, too. not to mention the satisfying feeling of sinking in a nice choke :)

i also surf, hope to be next weekend. and i started dance lessons haha

now, i am probably not a high testosterone guy. i got tested about 4 years ago, i was a little above average for my age. i imagine my levels have decreased since then but i'm doing all the right things to keep it up, well, besides having sex.

i've had opportunities, recently, and i'm having to fence off and evade - or at least not follow through with - a couple of leads, because one thing i never mentioned is that i'm now living with hpv.
i found this out in a terrible manner, and it happened at the same time the rest of my life went to shit. so now, when i think of approaching, or when i think of one of these leads, my inner voice says, and what? what you gonna do fuck this poor girl with your infected dick?

apparently there's no test for men, but i've been tested for it at least three times. it's a cotton swab around the foreskin.
i had a wart lasered off. then, six months later (last week) i got tested again.

disappointing. i believed i could "beat" it.

i'm gonna try some homeopathic remedies. i also found BBoy's thread here

https://boards.girlschase.com/viewtopic.php?f=29&t=14466&p=76253&hilit=hpv#p73164

re: whether or not to have sex or to tell girls about it. not sure what the conclusion was lol


I've noticed there are lots of older guys who are just old. I think this is what you mean by 'young old' - you're physically young, but mentally in an "I'm all worn out and shriveled up" kinda place.

i wouldn't say shriveled up! lol .. more like aware of where i am and it not being good enough. if i was in my late twenties or mid thirties i'd be pretty happy with my station in life but i'm pretty disappointed with it now. also, been there done that, lived a bit of a playboy lifestyle, realizing it can't last forever.

i think i said on another thread, i had to get over the hill before i could see what lay before me. i think that sums it up nicely.


lean, confident, and charismatic, and mildly successful in their careers... all of which seem to be prerequisites past a certain point


so yeah, a guy in his mid thirties approaching a nice looking girl and seducing her and taking her up to his nice comfortable little apartment - which is quite sexy in a slightly unmodern way - with the implicit assumption that he's gonna be doing some terrible things to her :) - unimaginable to some, but but absolutely possible.

could my dad do it?

i'm somewhere in the middle. men who are lean, confident, and charismatic, and mildly successful in their careers, however ..

i guess what i'm saying is that after a certain point it's no so easy to sell yourself as a sport-fuck
 
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