How would you reframe this?

[ElderPrice]

Directly to the question:
My brain made a habit of looking at every approach opportunity and thinking "I hope this works out."

This is a terrible mindset, and I'm looking for a powerful way to think about approaching differently.

I know the correct mindset has to be something that involves you maintaining control over your feelings, you not giving away your power, and you not seeking anything from the girl. It's basically abundance mentality.

But I'm drawing a blank coming up with a clear way to say that... kinda like a cue... and that also strongly attacks at the heart of the "I hope it works out" mindset.

Suggestions?


Context:
This is a terrible frame because you're trying to get something from the woman (you're being needy), and you're giving her all the power. She has control and will decide how the interaction goes and whether you get to feel ecstatic or disappointment.

I got here because I'm in the process of exploring why I still have a weird, hesitant feeling at the idea of opening a girl.

I think it's cognitive dissonance. Part of me knows I have to approach women to have success with women, but another part of me strongly believes that the odds of each approach working are basically zero (via too much experience with a rough success rate).

Thinking about this, I stopped and thought, "Elder, what the fuck do you mean 'working'?" I thought about why I chose that word. And that revealed the underlying mindset: I've been viewing approaching as it'll work out/it won't work out. Not the right mindset at all if you want success.


More info:
I'm having trouble finding a strong reframe because in my attempts to get around this mindset, my brain still finds a way to hold onto it.

Examples:

• "Instead of thinking 'I hope this works out,' think 'I hope I like her.'" ---> My brain applies this as "Yes, let's try this trick so hopefully this interaction will work out."
• Dr. Glover's rejection challenge: Instead of approaching to get a result you're after, try approaching trying to get rejected. ---> My brain applies this as "Yes, let's try this trick so hopefully this interaction will work out."
• *Any advice that says 'here, try saying this instead.* ---> My brain applies this as "Yes, let's try this trick so hopefully this interaction will work out."
• Etc.

 

[Will_V]

You're overthinking things and getting too fussed about 'not giving power away'.

The only reality I live in is that:

- I want certain things
- I must find a way to get them.

That is all. I look at life and everything in it as a survival game. Every other way of looking at it has ended up failing to hold up against reality, sometimes in a painful way.

You can never get something you don't actively want, and as soon as you want something you care about the outcome. Do you think a formula 1 driver or UFC fighter goes into a competition thinking 'I don't care if this works out'? Do you think someone successful in business goes into it thinking 'I don't care if this works out'? The difference between a positive and a negative mindset, in my opinion, is to be humble enough to face reality as it is (not as you want it to be) and to never stop giving yourself another chance to do better.

When I was a virgin, losing it was not a question of being 'outcome independent'. I went out all the time with nothing else on my mind, I watched other guys pick up girls I wanted, I completely blundered opportunities (like the time a girl I knew from uni invited me to study at her place and I just lay around on her sofa like a moron), I did loads of dumb shit and embarrassed myself, but I just kept going. I reflected on everything about how I came across to others and tried to improve it by orders of magnitude. I developed my charisma, my assertiveness, my edge, I learned to convey intangible strengths. It was a matter of survival, just like everything else in life.

Becoming good with women is no more special or different than any other skill, it can be learned and improved. The process is always the same:

1. Clarify your goal
2. Develop a plan
3. Implement it
4. Determine where the failure occurred, and whether the problem is the plan or the implementation
5. Modify the plan or improve the implementation
6. Repeat from step 3.

 

[DonGately]

Your mindset should be very simple: "I am the prize."

If your inner game won't let you feel that way, they will sense it and you will crash and burn.