Hung out with a girl a few times

[Geebs]

Hello,

I'm just looking for some advice interpreting what happened, how I should improve and what I should do going forward.

So I met this girl at a climbing gym. We seemed to click pretty fast, she was always happy to have me around and would compliment me quite frequently. After about a month or so of casual conversation I decided to offer how to teach her how to snowboard (i used to be an instructor and she mentioned she wanted to learn). That outing went terrific. We really meshed well and we had a lot in common. I then asked her out to dinner and a movie and she accepted quite eagerly.

Again things went great, but I'm thinking this is where I screwed up. I did not invite her up to my place when she dropped me off at my apartment. Despite this, the next day I went out for a meal and drink with her and two of her friends (a couple). Again, I failed to invite her home, I just wasn't feeling it that night, there wasn't as much of a spark. At the end when we were parting ways she told me she wanted to meet at the climbing gym around noon two days later on sunday.

This is when it really went to hell, she flaked out on me. She never even called to say that she was bailing on me. After having texted her in the morning asking if the plans were still on, I got frustrated with the fact she wasn't answering me one way or the other. So at around 1pm I sent another text saying I was disappointed by the fact that she was giving me the silent treatment and that I hoped it wasn't this ball busting comment I had made the night before. She got very mad at this. I tried to patch things up apologizing I over-reacted but still insisted that flaking out without warning is not acceptable.

Everything seemed to go ok until the next time I asked her out. This is when she told me that she is "not romantically interested" and only ever saw our hanging out as purely platonic. I told her that I would respect her feelings but asked that she respect mine and the fact that I see potential between us and am attracted to her. She said she understands that I don't want to be friends and has told me to move on.

Is this because I did not try to escalate things on the second date? What should I do now? How should I treat her.

 

[Tyme2k]

A few things for you to note in the future with NEW girls because clearly this girl is not interested in you.

Next time push for the close and play to win. Don't play it safe, since you KNOW you will lose the girl if you do this. Take her upstairs and make an attempt at least!

Don't over react when a girl flakes, this happens to the best of the best. Most likely she continued her life, maybe met someone or was always talking with another guy in the midst of talking with you. Maybe she didn't want to be awkward with you the next time only for you to finally make a move and her have to let you down creating more awkwardness.

In her mind you had your chance, her saying it was simply platonic is a way of her justifying her actions. Obviously if you would have escalated her view of this would be different.

If I were you I'd let this completely roll off and talk to MANY other girls. When you see her give her a hug and be nice, not overly nice like you are trying to get something or change something, but genuine and friendly. Anything else will show it matters to you TOO much which is the biggest turn off to women. She should not be able to affect a REAL MAN, she is only silly and cute, a real man would smirk at her silly actions and comments then continue on his path to greatness.

PS: Don't convey your feelings to these silly girls unless you've fucked there brains out 3 times or more and you can honestly say there's something there.

 

[Franco]

This topic has been moved from the "General" board to the "Beginners" board.

- Franco

 

[Geebs]

A few things for you to note in the future with NEW girls because clearly this girl is not interested in you.

So you think it's completely dead in the water huh? with absolutely no hope ever again? The weirdest thing in all this is what it looked like she was about to start balling her eyes out when she was speaking to me about this.

This is disappointing. This girl was probably what I perceived to be the most compatible and hottest girl I've ever dated. This is why I was so afraid of screwing up and coming off as too pushy. It makes me feel like a I want to rip my heart out and then my hair for good measure.

 

[foxman2]

I don't think all is lost, but your chances have gone down.

The way I look at it, there is a continuum between 0% and 100% interest. Most girls fall somewhere in the middle, they are probably at least somewhat interested in you, and haven't made up their mind yet. 100% would be girlfriend level, and 0% would be auto-rejected, or something worse than the friend zone. It sounds like you had a really high % chance with this one, but you didn't make any move, and that was your downfall, you were probably creating some awkward tension with her that never climaxed, that's why she flaked.

But I don't think all is lost, you just have a significantly lower % chance with this girl. I would give her some radio silence for a week at least, then see how she is doing, send a brief text message. The key is to be emotionally stable with her, you can express disappointment with her, but never show it emotionally. And don't apologize, that gives her the high ground, and she had none, because SHE flaked, not you.

This experience will only make you better, at the very least, I'd say don't cut the ties with her completely. Even if she won't date you again, she still may be willing to have you as a friend, and that can be used to your advantage. Other girls will notice you with this very attractive girl, and they will flock toward you (social proof).

I have been in a similar situation as this, I got mad when a very attractive girl flaked on me, then got frustrated and blew my chance. But, I now believe flaking can be mitigated by not making mistakes prior to that.

Keep your cool, you will probably look back at this and laugh once you are with your next girl.

 

[Chase]

Geebs-

These are always the most frustrating situations. The brain tends to regret the things it didn't do and missed out on far more than it does the things it did do and messed up.

In addition to what everyone else has pointed out, one thing worth noting-

So at around 1pm I sent another text saying I was disappointed by the fact that she was giving me the silent treatment and that I hoped it wasn't this ball busting comment I had made the night before. She got very mad at this. I tried to patch things up apologizing I over-reacted but still insisted that flaking out without warning is not acceptable.

Don't attribute women's reactions to you or your actions, and don't apologize.

Owning mistakes and apologizing works very differently between men and women. If you're dealing with another man, you'll earn his respect by owning your mistakes and apologizing when you've erred, and you'll lose his respect if you fail to. With women, the reverse is true, the vast majority of the time: owning your mistakes and apologizing gets you labeled weak and puling, and women become - yes - angry and disgusted with you, whereas brushing things off and assuming that she's just being a silly girl doing silly things makes her melt and see you as a big, strong, manly man, unfazed by the vagaries of her fickle womanly ways.

Chase

 

[Geebs]

Thanks for the feedback and the suggestions they are all very valuable. I gotta get my emotional responses under control.

I'm curious if you are in agreement with me about the fact that her sudden a very abrupt stone walling of me is symptomatic to auto-rejection caused by my aloofness and her feeling dejected. Such a strong knee jerk reaction would have to be caused by some kind instinct to protect her emotions. It just seems to me that if she had been stringing me a long and never really had any intentions she would have just lazily brushed me off by saying "I'm already have plans". My gut just tells me that a response of "I'm not romantically interested in you" is quite a big over-reaction to an invitation to spend time together; especially since that is no real change from our business as usual.

Thanks again!

 

[Geebs]

After we went through the whole ordeal of her telling me she wasn't romantically interested we spent about a month ignoring each other.

But she is now shifting between hot and cold. We see each other about twice a week at the gym and one day she'll walk right by me and actively ignore me (purposefully trying to look the other way). The next she'll make eye contact from a few meters away and wave hello to me while giving me a big smile or say "Hi XXXX!" quite energetically. During this I just casually acknowledge her greeting trying to avoid showing any emotion or that I have any expectations; nor do I try and chat her up afterwards.

I'm just wondering what's going on; why the shift between hot and cold and what should I do about it?

P.S. I'm also noticing that she has changed her outfit to a new "sexier" one, is this to try and catch my attention?