I always over invest?

[Xerud]

I'm really sad and upset that I'm always doing same mistake - over investing.

The thing is I'm really kind guy and I just want to make girlfriend happy but I'm over investing sometimes I spend too much time messaging her or I get worried what if she's and so on. I'm currently in long distance relationship and I made such a big investment now, before was totally different.

I'm 99% she likes me but I'm over investing.

Should I just shut the fuck up let her message me (she do message me too)

Tell me more how can I make her investment back again?

 

[Howell]

Hi Xerud,

At first it sounded like you already knew the answer to your question and just need a bit of reinforcement, but then I realized that what you're really asking is "How do I not lose this girl who I feel is starting to pull away?"

You already realize that the main problem was over-investment on your part, which made you appear too attainable and "always there".

So how do you repair this specific relationship? I have no idea. If you lean back as she's pulling out in my experience it doesn't work and just speeds up the process of the relationship ending. Which, btw, is not the end of the world. It can of course feel unpleasant, until you find a new partner that is. So yeah, the obvious answer is to meet more girls and just keep practicing. Experience is the key here, as well as having more options.

If you feel that women are a scarce resource, you tend to cling more and over-invest. So just keep at it man!

Oh, and about that girl... her being long distance could make it harder to fix, but if you want to keep it going, it may be worth rolling the dice and going on the offensive by picking a "fight" (I always feel that's the wrong term for what's actually happening though) with her to trigger her to explicitly state her problems, so you can address them explicitly. The fight also peaks her emotions, which, somewhat counterintuitively, can jumpstart your relationship again, and then afterwards you guys can have after-fight... video-sex, or something

-Howell

 

[Big Daddy]

Franco always provides good insight in these matters, let's hope he stops by.

So how do you repair this specific relationship? I have no idea.

Yeah, me too, so I might be completely wrong and you might want wait someone else step in.

But I was going to mention that you should be very careful if you're planning to stop investing. You already set the precedent that that's normal and she expects you to keep doing, because that's just what you do.

If you stop investing out of nowhere, for "no reason", she might feel that the relationship is going backwards. And you always want to give a sense of progress to a girl when you're in a LTR otherwise you are going to face a lot of drama because she'll start to feel that you don't understand what she wants and maybe not a good leader after all.

 

[Skid]

Your question - how do I stop over investing? , suggests you want to improve. If you want to improve the aspect of yourself that means you invest less in women and are in control more in your relationships - then I think you should dump your girlfriend and start meeting new girls get more experience in order to improve. You usually have to set the investment balance at the start of the relationship - thats the reason it started because both parties agreed to their levels of investment. Because as the previous people posted if she is happy with how the investment balance is right now and you change it right now while you're a into the relationship. Then it will probably result in conflict/ breakup. You would have to use some mind games like making her jealous using methods such as pre-selection in order for her to want to increase her investment- But that's hard since its a long distance relationship.Maybe if you suddenly dump her she invests a shit ton trying to get you back and you can reset the investment levels - but that's unlikely if you are invested more than her.

So basically you have to choose between improving yourself and the quality of your relationships or your current girlfriend.

 

[Sophisticated Gent]

I'm really sad and upset that I'm always doing same mistake - over investing.

The thing is I'm really kind guy and I just want to make girlfriend happy but I'm over investing sometimes I spend too much time messaging her or I get worried what if she's and so on. I

Xerud,

Your post and the other current post on Beginners are related. The other post is about being needy and yours is over investing. They both stem from the same basic issue which is lack of confidence. I am not going to address how to get the girlfriend back. Instead i suggest that you do a lot of approaching. Getting to know many other girls will reduce you over investing in one. Start using Chase's assignment for newbies.

viewtopic.php?f=13&t=34

You might want to read the other post.

viewtopic.php?f=2&t=11407

BDSC

 

[ray_zorse]

Another good question here is why are you in a LDR anyway?

As a more experienced guy the rules change a bit... for example check out what Franco says here. As a new guy you want to be NEXTIng women regularly because they'll suck up your time and emotional energy and impede your progress, whereas, with some experience you can keep women around on the off-chance, so to speak. Same situation with relationships, especially LDRs.

Well, I am in an LDR and I spent a few hours texting her tonight because I haven't paid her enough attention lately and she's been noticing it and wondering what's wrong. So we had a pretty good talk. But at the same time, I'm also having sex with someone local, so it isn't a disadvantage (emotionally or physically) to keep around this girl, who I REALLY like, in the hope that we can be together someday. In your situation though... it's really going to hold back your progress.

ANY kind of relationship is going to hold back your progress as a beginning seducer, but LDR MUCH MORE SO and has some very poisonous features, the most poisonous in my view is the "future positive" thinking style -- instead of living in the moment and getting as much pleasure out of life as you can, instead you're suffering in the moment while thinking how great the future is going to be... I realize she probably lives only hours away, but nevertheless the principle is very bad.

Ray

 

[NarrowJ]

A lot of good advice in here. Investment in relationships always has to be in the man's favor. Once you start investing in her more than she is you, she begins to lose attraction. You can save this, but as the other guy's pointed out- it's often not worth trying.

In fact, not even trying is what will eventually win her back. Let me tell a story:

Long ago, I had been seeing this woman for about 2 years and things started to fizzle out a tad. I saw this coming, and started scrambling to make things exciting again. Well, what happened was I started being needy and texting her more than she was me. I was telling her how much I missed her all of the time. Things progressed to the point that the only time I saw her was when I asked her to see me, and not the other way around. Over-investing, is really just chasing.

Luckily, I caught myself as she first started to pull away and started going on dates with other women and she saw me with a girl in a restaurant one night. She completely flipped out, because this girl was stunning and obviously was enjoying my company. I was getting text messages from her before we even left the restaurant, telling me she saw me and how good I looked and asking if the girl I was with was my girlfriend and if it was serious or not. I could have had her back in an instant, if I'd wanted to. Problem was, I was dating a girl twice as hot as she was and had no desire to.

So the best thing you can do is to pull away yourself, go meet other women, and let things naturally take care of themselves. The woman needs to be the over-invester. It doesn't work when the man does it. A woman wants to need a man more than he needs her.


J.J.