I called the girl I'm seeing by my ex's name. Twice.

Ldkflflfnfkkx

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First time happened two weeks ago on Saturday evening...

Second, last Saturday evening...

This has been bothering me since I first blurted it out.

I broke up with my ex in September 2016, she was the same girl I asked out for ice creams after she hit me up on Tinder. We dated almost 2 years.

I met this new girl about six weeks ago on a cruise ship and been seeing her every weekend after that.

The first time I called the girl with my ex's name was after we talked about our relationship and where it's heading, I had drank about 3 or 4 glasses of red wine and we were on the sofa just about to get in bed to have sex.

For some strange reason right after I whispered in her ear "I want to make you feel good" I said the name Maria when I was meant to say Stacy.

I managed to save the situation (we had great sex after this) by saying that the conversation we had was pretty much the same I had with Maria when I was discussing the stage of our relationship with her (which is absolutely true). Is it possible that I subconsciously called her Maria because I had had the same conversation about the same subject last time with Maria? I was also feeling a little bit drunk after drinking those glasses of wine...

The second time happened last Saturday when me and Stacy and few of her friends were sitting on stairs at the river where me and Maria used to spend time. We used to walk across the river and in summer we spent time on the grass by the river. I remember a time when we even had an argument while we were sitting on almost the same stairs me and Stacy and her friends were sitting on.

I managed to save this situation as well by asking "How many times have you called your teacher "Mother"?" To which she replied "None" with a little bit of disappointment in her voice. She did keep smiling and winking at me after we left to have few more drinks at a near by bar before I left to a cruise ship with my friend.

Is it possible that I keep calling Stacy Maria because we have been doing almost exact same things I used to do with Maria and because of that my brain is subconsciously thinking that I am with Maria?

Stacy invited me to join her in a housewarming party possibly next Saturday and I'm already feeling so fucking anxious because the last two Saturdays have included so much awkwardness...

Have any of you been in a situation like this? If yes, how did you manage to get out of the habit of calling the girl you are seeing by the wrong name?

Tuomas

(Edit: changed my name from TomW to Tuomas)
 

Ambiance

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This has happened to me several times. I've noticed it happens if a girl in some way is similar to a another girl I was close to, or if I don't really give a shit about the girl and am totally on auto-pilot.

Last semester I had this FB who wouldn't even correct me when I called her by another name. Started out unconscious on my part. I eventually realized what I was doing, but instead of apologizing I just kept ramping it up to see if I could piss her off. Only when I started getting ridiculous with calling her the other name did she say something, lmfao.

With girls you actually care about, when this happens don't let it be a big deal. Maybe non chalantly say how an old ex was whatever name. I don't see her getting mad if you are super lax about it, but if she does just remain calm and she'll calm down. You can even turn it into a recurring joke.

A
 

Ldkflflfnfkkx

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Ambiance said:
This has happened to me several times. I've noticed it happens if a girl in some way is similar to a another girl I was close to, or if I don't really give a shit about the girl and am totally on auto-pilot.

Last semester I had this FB who wouldn't even correct me when I called her by another name. Started out unconscious on my part. I eventually realized what I was doing, but instead of apologizing I just kept ramping it up to see if I could piss her off. Only when I started getting ridiculous with calling her the other name did she say something, lmfao.

With girls you actually care about, when this happens don't let it be a big deal. Maybe non chalantly say how an old ex was whatever name. I don't see her getting mad if you are super lax about it, but if she does just remain calm and she'll calm down. You can even turn it into a recurring joke.

A
Hey man! Thanks for your reply!

I managed not to blurt out any wrong names during these last two weeks but it has taken a lot of my energy, somehow I have to think about the sentences which include her name very carefully... You are right about not making it a big deal, because that's exactly what I've done.

I haven't yet tried pissing her off, gonna add that to my to-do list though, lol :)

Btw, have you had girls that bring up their ex's name and all the stuff they've done/currently do? She brings up almost everytime one of her ex's name, and it's starting to piss me off since I wonder if I do something that reminds her of them...

On top of all this, this gal has still one of her ex's stuff in another room and another ex's name still on the mailbox...

I'm starting to notice some serious red flags...

Thanks again Ambiance
 

Ambiance

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@TomW

I like learning about girls' old flames (only to a certain point with girls I'm serious about though. Past that I forbid a girl to talk about someone, and punish her if she does). With girls I'm casual about I like to jump on opportunities to learn about how different girls are and all the things they do under the cover of innocence so I can become better at reading them/less judgemental yet more discriminating towards them.

With girlfriends I learn just enough to get a good read on a girl and what she goes for, how hard, etc. Past that I'm pretty selfish about a girl only ever commenting on our relationship. Of course, I still will artfully bring up an old girlfriend here or there.

Girls generally bring up old crushes and boyfriends to see how you react/make you jealous/try to get a little control when they're feeling a bit insecure, possibly to bond with you, and/or because they aren't over them. If it's the latter you can do them a real solid in getting over the schmuck by giving her a lot of orgasms ;) If it's the first one you are running a tight ship.

Btw, have you had girls that bring up their ex's name and all the stuff they've done/currently do?

I wouldn't put up with your girl doing anything with an old flame, or even to talk about him. That's just not acceptable. Girls don't respect guys who are ok with this. It would be one thing if you were this powerful sexy man the likes she had never seen and she was feeling a little insecure one day and decided to bring up her old boyfriend to show you that she is desirable. That's definitely not the case for you. Trust me, this is a serious problem.

Personally I wouldn't have started dating her to begin with if she isn't crazy about you. Men chase sex, women chase commitment. Anything besides that is anathema for attraction, and you cannot have a relationship without attraction.

Always a wakeup call for stuff like this. Means you have some work to do in how you conduct relationships and possibly your fundamentals too. It's a tough, but necessary pill to swallow. Every guy on this forum who is worth his salt will tell you this.

These are the options I see you having.
1. You can have a talk with her and lay down the law. It will be a little incongruent, since it is so delayed, but it could still work. Read up Chase's article on Operant Conditioning before you do that though. It's perfectly suited for your predicament. If she doesn't comply to your frame gradually up the stakes as explained in the article about positive punishment. (Eg leave, take time off, break up with her) When she comes crawling back to you dick ber up REAL good.

2. You can keep doing what you are doing. I assure you, you'll regret not taking action.

3. You can pay the ex boyfriend a visit...;) (JK don't do this!)

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Ambiance
 

Ldkflflfnfkkx

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Hey @Ambiance,

Ambiance said:
Girls generally bring up old crushes and boyfriends to see how you react/make you jealous/try to get a little control when they're feeling a bit insecure, possibly to bond with you, and/or because they aren't over them. If it's the latter you can do them a real solid in getting over the schmuck by giving her a lot of orgasms ;) If it's the first one you are running a tight ship.

I've been reacting pretty neutrally every time she has mentioned her ex boyfriends, never really commented anything that would make me seem jealous, angry or anything like that.

She told me a weird thing about her orgasms btw, she told me that the first and the last one are the best ones, the others in between don't really matter that much... What do you think about this? I have hard time believing her..

I read Chase's (if I remember correctly) article about The Deep Spot thing and learned a technique which allows me to make her cum almost as many times as I want.

What I do is I bang her on the missionary position with quite fast pace and listen to her voice, when it starts to get louder and louder to the point where she just screams I hit The Deep Spot almost as hard as I can and push my penis against it and keep it there so long that she cums. I repeat this until she seems fully satisfied and then finish my self which makes her come one last time.

Ambiance said:
Btw, have you had girls that bring up their ex's name and all the stuff they've done/currently do?


I wouldn't put up with your girl doing anything with an old flame, or even to talk about him. That's just not acceptable. Girls don't respect guys who are ok with this. It would be one thing if you were this powerful sexy man the likes she had never seen and she was feeling a little insecure one day and decided to bring up her old boyfriend to show you that she is desirable. That's definitely not the case for you. Trust me, this is a serious problem.

I wrote that sentence the wrong way, my bad. The girl doesn't actually do anything with her ex-boyfriends, she doesn't see them anywhere or hang out with them or keep contact with them. What I meant was; she brings up things they did together years ago, and she mentioned some things that her ex's do at the moment (one runs a small construction firm, she found out about this when this guy contacted her in January before we had even met. And the other invests in real estate).

I currently work part-time and I think that's the reason why it makes me a little mad when she talks about them. They seem to have pretty high level of income and standards of living, which I don't. Yet.

Ambiance said:
Personally I wouldn't have started dating her to begin with if she isn't crazy about you. Men chase sex, women chase commitment. Anything besides that is anathema for attraction, and you cannot have a relationship without attraction.

Always a wakeup call for stuff like this. Means you have some work to do in how you conduct relationships and possibly your fundamentals too. It's a tough, but necessary pill to swallow. Every guy on this forum who is worth his salt will tell you this.

She actually seems pretty crazy about me, she writes long text messages for me almost every day telling me she misses me, sends pics. She took me to her family's summer cottage a few weeks ago and introduced me to her family and friends. Every time when we see she asks if I want her to make something to eat. She went on a cruise ship two hours ago with her two best friends and gave her car to me for a day so I can drive with it if I need to. She keeps staring at me in the mornings and when I drive and when we lay on the grass and sunbathe.

She has invested in me way more than I have in her, that was the first thing I made sure when we started seeing each other. Only mistake I've done is that it's me who goes to her place, not the other way around.

I count this as attraction or even craziness but still, I might be wrong, it's been almost 2,5 years when I was back in the game. Slowly picking it up though...

Ambiance said:
These are the options I see you having.
1. You can have a talk with her and lay down the law. It will be a little incongruent, since it is so delayed, but it could still work. Read up Chase's article on Operant Conditioning before you do that though. It's perfectly suited for your predicament. If she doesn't comply to your frame gradually up the stakes as explained in the article about positive punishment. (Eg leave, take time off, break up with her) When she comes crawling back to you dick ber up REAL good.
This is what I'm going to do during this weekend. I believe it will still work. I don't like her bringing up the old flames since there's not so much to do with that information, I've learned that I possess more features she looks for in a man that her previous men.

Reading Operant Conditioning at the moment.

Again, thank you for your thorough reply and special thanks for laying down the actual steps that I have to make. It's great that there's still a tight community here on the forum!

I'll keep you posted @Ambiance

TomW
 

Ambiance

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@TomW

I wrote that sentence the wrong way, my bad. The girl doesn't actually do anything with her ex-boyfriends, she doesn't see them anywhere or hang out with them or keep contact with them. What I meant was; she brings up things they did together years ago, and she mentioned some things that her ex's do at the moment

Haha ok good, that is a big relief. Ok, so she is just testing you on the whole only working part-time thing. She wants to see if you're a strong guy with strong reasons for what he does who isn't flustered at the thought that her ex-boyfriends had these big fancy real estate and construction careers. Sounds like you are handling it all fine.

About the whole deep spot thing- I've always thought of those as cervical orgasms. Yeah man, those are the best! Waaaaaaay better than getting a girl off with your tongue or fingers. I bet you laugh whenever you hear a guy bragging about how good he is at giving head lmfao

Dude you are in a good place. The only thing I would be worried about is this chick getting too attached to you. Total flip of the script huh? Funny how misinterpreting one sentence can totally paint a whole different picture. Anyway, seems like she might be the type of girl who is a little too much into her relationships if you know what I mean. Like, they are too important to her. Might be part of why she keeps bringing old bfs up or still hangs on to their stuff. She is investing a lot in you pretty quick, but you already know that

This is what I'm going to do during this weekend. I believe it will still work. I don't like bringing up the old flames since there's not so much to do with that information, I've learned that I possess more features she looks for in a man that her previous men.

Reading Operant Conditioning at the moment.

Looking forward to seeing how operant conditioning works for you! It has worked wonders for me, and not just with girls. One thing worth noting is that when you negatively punish a girl you can make it a bit of a joke, where you kinda tease her that you are going to not talk to her for however long or whatever you decide to take away if she does x, and you guys laugh about it and then what do you know, she does that thing again, and you kinda laugh about it and say you have to stop talking to her, and she'll laugh and protest a bit and you'll laugh but not budge. And later she'll do the thing again and you punish her, and it's still kind of a game and you guys laugh about it but you still follow through and she will catch on fast.

Again, thank you for your thorough reply and special thanks for laying down the actual steps that I have to make. It's great that there's still a tight community here of the forum!

You bet ;) Glad to have you on here.

Ambiance
 

Ldkflflfnfkkx

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@Ambiance
Ambiance said:
Looking forward to seeing how operant conditioning works for you! It has worked wonders for me, and not just with girls. One thing worth noting is that when you negatively punish a girl you can make it a bit of a joke, where you kinda tease her that you are going to not talk to her for however long or whatever you decide to take away if she does x, and you guys laugh about it and then what do you know, she does that thing again, and you kinda laugh about it and say you have to stop talking to her, and she'll laugh and protest a bit and you'll laugh but not budge. And later she'll do the thing again and you punish her, and it's still kind of a game and you guys laugh about it but you still follow through and she will catch on fast.
So, operant conditioning was put in action last weekend on Saturday. Few extra reasons for it came up on that night which were:

1. Walking with another man right in front my eyes who has been texting her things like; "When you get fed up with your toyboy come see me" and "You have a great ass". She received these texts when she was with me, she even replied to some of them during my presence, not in length though.

2. She let a man which she knew from past get so close to her that he just grabbed her and kissed her on the lips.

After the second mistake I decided to put some distance and see how far this would go, she kept being close to the second guy who kept his hands on her hips. When I saw this I immediately showed her to come to me and we went outside to have a little chat.

I told her about the two mistakes she did earlier which I wrote about in the beginning, I also added all the things I mentioned about her ex boyfriends, how she mentions and how she still has their stuff.

I was calm and collective when I told her all this, she seemed very sad and a little desperate, she told me that she's falling in love and that she's crazy about me. She tried to get close but I pushed her back gently telling that that tactic doesn't work on me.

After this she told me that I sound like I'm saying goodbye. I nodded.

After this I stood up, asked if her spare key is still in the same spot, walked away and called my friend to come pick me up. We went to her place to get my stuff. I took what was mine, grabbed one of her dirty underwear, took a good long sniff, threw 'em away and walked out the door.

After a few hours she began texting me how she thinks about me and how she misses me. I didn't answer.

She kept texting me the whole next day telling how she misses me and how she's sad for screwing things up with me. She also called me to see if I needed a ride home, I answered the phone but told her no. The phone call felt like she was touching the ice to see how thick it was, I kept my sound neutral.

She kept texting and asked if there's any chance for us to see, we wrote each other long texts where I told her all the things I told her that night and she answered me in depth and told me why she acted that way.

(At this point one of her best friends texted me that she's a little bit worried about her since she hasn't seen her so broken in years... she had been crying all night.)

Turned out she thought I was only interested in her sexually, she sounded like she was hoping that I prove her wrong, which I did. I told her that I wouldn't have met her family and friends if I was only chasing pussy.

She also told me that she's getting rid of the stuff she still has, she's going to change the name on the mailbox also. She had pretty good reasons for having the stuff and the name in the mailbox.

I wrote her a encouraging text where I told her I'd like to meet and talk things through. Also told her that she's mine and that her pussy belongs to me, I own it.

I'm going to see her tomorrow.

Few mistakes I made:

1. I'm not sure if I was tough enough on her but hearing she cried all night makes me think she knows how wrong she did. She also told me that she feels like some kind of a monster so I'm pretty sure I got her bells ringing. I'm also going to tell her face to face I don't tolerate that kind of behaviour.

2. We are meeting at her place not mine.

Thoughts?

Thanks!

TomW
 

Ambiance

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@TomW

1. Walking with another man right in front my eyes who has been texting her things like; "When you get fed up with your toyboy come see me" and "You have a great ass". She received these texts when she was with me, she even replied to some of them during my presence, not in length though.

2. She let a man which she knew from past get so close to her that he just grabbed her and kissed her on the lips.

After the second mistake I decided to put some distance and see how far this would go, she kept being close to the second guy who kept his hands on her hips. When I saw this I immediately showed her to come to me and we went outside to have a little chat.

I told her about the two mistakes she did earlier which I wrote about in the beginning, I also added all the things I mentioned about her ex boyfriends, how she mentions and how she still has their stuff.

I was calm and collective when I told her all this, she seemed very sad and a little desperate, she told me that she's falling in love and that she's crazy about me. She tried to get close but I pushed her back gently telling that that tactic doesn't work on me.

After this she told me that I sound like I'm saying goodbye. I nodded.

Why were you hanging out with her around other men when you guys have hardly been dating that long? And when at least TWO of these men are known to be threats?

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Though for how far things went, you handled this crap the best you could. Great work for putting your foot down the way you did. In the future things like this won't happen because you'll be able to get rid of bad behavior right from the get go, and hopefully won't bring girlfriends in the vicinity of opportunistic men fresh into a relationship, especially with the problems you guys have.

After a few hours she began texting me how she thinks about me and how she misses me. I didn't answer.

She kept texting me the whole next day telling how she misses me and how she's sad for screwing things up with me. She also called me to see if I needed a ride home, I answered the phone but told her no. The phone call felt like she was touching the ice to see how thick it was, I kept my sound neutral.

She kept texting and asked if there's any chance for us to see, we wrote each other long texts where I told her all the things I told her that night and she answered me in depth and told me why she acted that way.

(At this point one of her best friends texted me that she's a little bit worried about her since she hasn't seen her so broken in years... she had been crying all night.)

Turned out she thought I was only interested in her sexually, she sounded like she was hoping that I prove her wrong, which I did. I told her that I wouldn't have met her family and friends if I was only chasing pussy.

I had something similar happen to me with one of my first girlfriends, just without any other guys involved. I handled it pretty badly though. What happened to me was I went overboard on the whole casual relationship thing, and then she balked and threatened to leave. I realized I was tanking my attainability, but I then went too far in the opposite direction, promising her commitment and basically doing a complete 180. It was terribly incongruent. We didn't last 2 months.

Your goal with this girl is for her to submit to the relationship you want, and for her to know that you won't put up with certain things or you're gone. She is freaking out right now and trying to pin you down, and very may well have been using those guys to get under your skin/test your commitment to her, but it is essential for you to move forward in the relationship only at your own pace. Just be a strong guy and reaffirm that she isn't just a sex toy to you, but you won't put up with her crap, and don't be hasty about crossing commitment points. Though make sure you read the bolded paragraph towards the bottom.

She also told me that she's getting rid of the stuff she still has, she's going to change the name on the mailbox also. She had pretty good reasons for having the stuff and the name in the mailbox.

I wrote her a encouraging text where I told her I'd like to meet and talk things through. Also told her that she's mine and that her pussy belongs to me, I own it.

I'm going to see her tomorrow.

Lol girls and their excuses and justifications. Seems like you are on track for bringing her back into your life, for better or ill. You should know what to do when you talk to her. As far as makeup sex goes, I would wait at least a day from after your talk.

1. I'm not sure if I was tough enough on her but hearing she cried all night makes me think she knows how wrong she did. She also told me that she feels like some kind of a monster so I'm pretty sure I got her bells ringing. I'm also going to tell her face to face I don't tolerate that kind of behaviour.

2. We are meeting at her place not mine

You could have been tougher, which ties in to the second mistake you mentioned. It sounds like you bought into her frames about why she did what she did, and now you want her back, just like that. Not ideal. She went way over the line, and she should be the one going out of her way to make things right with you, and if she is convincing enough you slowly yield and allow her back (Although see the last paragraph). Better to wait for when you have her in person and have talked things through before telling her stuff like "Your pussy is mine" and anything like that.
You are right about the second one: it would be better for her to be the one putting in effort to come to you. You pulled away: it is weak to come back. It's chasing. Since you have already agreed upon going over there, you can either backtrack and tell her that there is a change in plans and you want her to come over to your house, or just don't worry about it, and maybe even fit in a reason why your house couldn't work and that's why you guys are doing this at her house. For the first option you can give some paltry reason why her place won't work and she should come to you.

One last thing: are you sure you still want this girl after your track record with her so far? Letting another guy kiss her in front of you, and then hanging around said guy, is pretty unforgivable in my book, but maybe I am missing context (perhaps cultural?). Otherwise, it might be prudent to ditch this girl and move on to something better. I'm also curious: were you guys officially exclusive, and if not, did you/do you have any other girls in your life?

Best of luck and let us know how it goes!

Ambiance
 

Ldkflflfnfkkx

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Hey @Ambiance

Ambiance said:
Why were you hanging out with her around other men when you guys have hardly been dating that long? And when at least TWO of these men are known to be threats?

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Though for how far things went, you handled this crap the best you could. Great work for putting your foot down the way you did. In the future things like this won't happen because you'll be able to get rid of bad behavior right from the get go, and hopefully won't bring girlfriends in the vicinity of opportunistic men fresh into a relationship, especially with the problems you guys have.

To be honest I didn't know/remember I wasn't supposed to take her out around other men at this stage, completely my mistake. I found about the text messages some weeks ago when she opened one. The other guy who kissed her is her friend's boyfriend who she has seen a movie with and once kissed years ago. He just grabbed her, I didn't know he does shit like that. If this goes south I surely know what to do in the future.

Ambiance said:
Your goal with this girl is for her to submit to the relationship you want, and for her to know that you won't put up with certain things or you're gone. She is freaking out right now and trying to pin you down, and very may well have been using those guys to get under your skin/test your commitment to her, but it is essential for you to move forward in the relationship only at your own pace. Just be a strong guy and reaffirm that she isn't just a sex toy to you, but you won't put up with her crap, and don't be hasty about crossing commitment points. Though make sure you read the bolded paragraph towards the bottom.

This is definitely what I'm going to tell her once I see her. I don't put up with that shit, not one minute. I'll move things forward if I feel like it.

Ambiance said:
Lol girls and their excuses and justifications. Seems like you are on track for bringing her back into your life, for better or ill. You should know what to do when you talk to her. As far as makeup sex goes, I would wait at least a day from after your talk.

Yeah, she could've taken care of this shit, I'll give her a chance to see where this thing goes. Sex will be off the table at least for tomorrow.

Ambiance said:
You could have been tougher, which ties in to the second mistake you mentioned. It sounds like you bought into her frames about why she did what she did, and now you want her back, just like that. Not ideal. She went way over the line, and she should be the one going out of her way to make things right with you, and if she is convincing enough you slowly yield and allow her back (Although see the last paragraph). Better to wait for when you have her in person and have talked things through before telling her stuff like "Your pussy is mine" and anything like that.
You are right about the second one: it would be better for her to be the one putting in effort to come to you. You pulled away: it is weak to come back. It's chasing. Since you have already agreed upon going over there, you can either backtrack and tell her that there is a change in plans and you want her to come over to your house, or just don't worry about it, and maybe even fit in a reason why your house couldn't work and that's why you guys are doing this at her house. For the first option you can give some paltry reason why her place won't work and she should come to you.

I just realized this, I should've waited longer I was blinded, this makes me angry at the moment but what can you do, what is done is done. It's already 4am and my bus leaves 8:30.

Ambiance said:
One last thing: are you sure you still want this girl after your track record with her so far? Letting another guy kiss her in front of you, and then hanging around said guy, is pretty unforgivable in my book, but maybe I am missing context (perhaps cultural?). Otherwise, it might be prudent to ditch this girl and move on to something better. I'm also curious: were you guys officially exclusive, and if not, did you/do you have any other girls in your life?

I am giving this girl one more shot. I don't know if there's cultural context here. We actually weren't officially together, she said that was one of the reasons for her behaviour, it was also the third day of drinking so we were both pretty fucked up. And no I don't have other girls at the moment. Am I blinded by the pussy?

Fuck how bad you make me feel, good to have someone who just slaps it on your face though! Haha!

Gonna keep you posted

TomW
 

Ambiance

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@TomW

Fuck how bad you make me feel, good to have someone who just slaps it on your face though! Haha

I'm telling you what I wish someone had told me. Would have spared me a lot of pain, confusion, and hardship. It's ok if it sucks right now, it's just growing pains. You'll get better and not have to deal with stuff like this in the future. You are already ahead of the curve man :)

As far as only seeing her and no other women: there are certain things that happen that you can't avoid if she is the only woman in your life. Scarcity mentality slips through the cracks and collects. You chase and invest more than you would otherwise. Your standards for commitment and what you put up with fall. Doesn't mean that you can't have a good relationship. But it does hinder your best interests should you want to have fantastic relationships with the best women out there. This priority varies depending on the guy. Some guys are cool in decent or good relationships. Especially when learning game can be very difficult and demanding.

I'm pulling for you!

Ambiance
 
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