I don't know how to be Confident and just 'get it' LP

[AdamEngineer]

Read it or don't, rely or don't, this is a rant of frustration and anger and confusion.

I just cannot seem to learn or understand how to be confident meeting attractive girls. I have power in almost every aspect of my life from my fitness, schooling, future career, financial, etc. However, failure in other aspects of my life do not have anywhere near a serious of a negative impact as failure in my dating life. It is the one thing I really want to work out and at 23 years of age I don't see it improving.

I went out alone tonight to one of my local college bars. No matter what I do, I just can't talk to any of the girls I see. I've gone out dozens and dozens of times and have gotten some numbers before but that is it. No meaningful conversations, no reciprocated attraction, and this has been going on for 5 years.

Yes, I have gotten with a few girls, but none of them I really had to work for as they were just available and average looking.

The best thing I can do is describe what I am feeling. I just can't muster any kind of momentum or bravery or cockiness or anything to be able to approach a pretty girl with her friends at a loud bar. I usually rely on the dance floor but again thats not approaching and it relies on looks and luck.

Often I see girls looking or glance at me and I get self conscious because I don't know the reason they're looking at me. I try to avoid eye contact with girls because I don't want them to think I'm a creep or something.

All the somewhat buff guys are with attractive girls and I feel because I'm toned and not really buff that gives me a disadvantage. I just don't get how they meet guys and while no matter what I learn or how much I seem to understand, once I'm in public, all my abilities seem to freeze an go out the window.

I don't know how to actually be the guy girls want to meet despite how much I do invest into myself with my schooling, gym workouts, and other things if I have time.

I get approach anxiety is a thing, but crippling social anxiety when you're out alone is something entirely different. I just feel deep inside that no one I like wants to meet because I seldom get any attention or indicators from those girls. It always seems the average looking girls make much more obvious indications they're interested than the very attractive ones. Hell, it doesn't even seem the pretty girls want to meet any guy at all.

I don't know what do really do anymore. I'm graduating from college in 2 weeks and I just don't seem very enthusiastic about that, as I don't know how anything is going to change afterwards. These guys too are nothing special to look at, they're really not. The best way to describe this is I feel like a child inside when it comes to just thinking about approaching, and even worse talking.

Thus, I just walk around the bar looking for a spot I can be alone without looking weird or like I'm some creep because I don't know how to just be comfortable. I don't meet people doing what I enjoy, theres no girls there. I never had cool friends that new these girls thus I was never around them to see them as just girls, and honestly I get the feeling why would they want to date me anyway? I'm not an athlete or some frat dude or anything.

My dating life is one of the most depressing and lonely endeavors of my life, and it makes all my other achievements seem like "whatever" because I just don't care enough or am worried about anything else except this.

 

[HumanWhoLearns]

In my opinion, going out by yourself to a bar and trying to talk to other people, let alone seduce girls is one of the hardest things to do, especially if you're not a socially confident person. It's good that you have your shit together. In our minds we tend to weigh the negative things in our lives way more than the positive aspects.

So my advice to you is that if you feel you aren't making any progress, then move on. Try day-gaming. You have tons of beautiful women walking around who are your peers. Only in college(?) will you get that opportunity.

If you do decide to keep at the bar scene, a couple of pointers: you want to be social around everybody, that social momentum will make it easier to walk up to that attractive girl and will actually make her more attracted to you, as you're displaying social value and pre-selection. That guy who sits in the corner scanning the room trying to work up the courage to talk a girl is not attractive, he is a needy unconfident man who lacks abundance.

 

[radeng]

Adam,

Awesome job on going out to a bar alone. I know that move is tough when you are not used to it. Give yourself mad props for your self determination in solving dating life for yourself. At 22 or 23 you are so young you got plenty of time to get this handled.

If I could give some advice on getting better quickly I can basically tell you how I got god quickly when I was 25. I’m also super analytical/engineering mindset.

1) go out alone even if you find wings. There’s no better way than alone.
2) go out 4x a week minimum with a targeted goal for your outing.
3) take expectations off yourself; laugh at “failures” and always take some positive lesson away from every outing.
4) focus the majority of your night in talking with EVERYONE. Make yourself approach the first girl you see, no matter what she looks like in every location you walk into. And if you can’t approach that girl, then leave the venue.

If you do this I guarantee within a few months you’ll be more socially sharp and aware than you’ve ever been in your life.

Bonus step: if you want to shortcut your learning, write detailed FRs in a journal. And post the ones you need help on in the main board.

Your biggest problem here is likely that you don’t know how to live in the moment and just have fun with people in general. You can do it dude, just got to put in the work.

Watch YouTube videos and emulate peoples style when they are infield. Always go back and study the things that happened to yo in an outing. Learning seduction skills is just like working out in the gym. If you don’t have a program and method for getting better, you won’t see much results.

Also instead of trying to change your mindset, start viewing your interactions as experiments. It doesn’t matter what the outcome is, it’s just testing testing testing, and getting huge sample sizes of data so you can figure out what works best.

And finally, I’d reccomend reading some self help and confidence books to help make your mindset better as well as some spiritual books about living in the moment.

Cheers,
Radeng

 

[AdamEngineer]

@radeng

Going out alone is very difficult for me, even if I'm not trying to talk to anyone. I'm more concerned looking weird alone, which makes me uncomfortable, which makes me feel I look strange, which other people can see. It's a perpetual loop. Sometimes I'm totally fine, other times I feel its pretty bad. It all depends on what my mind feels at that moment and what I am doing.

1. I rather go out alone. Unless I'm with good friends and I'm there to have fun with them. Surprisingly this helps my energy but its a reliant.
2. 4x a week? I'm lucky to have time for once a week. Problem is theres only like 3 bars that college kids go to, I feel I would be remembered. That aside, I graduate in 2 weeks anyway.
3. This is the hardest thing. How do you not have expectations when its kinda the whole point of going out alone? Social Anxiety is a natural fear of rejection, faced with actual rejection it triggers all my negative emotions and it makes it very difficult to bounce back. I really have to be in a perfect positive mindset which just seems impossible unless I'm distracted by fun people around me, such as friends.
4. I can barely do that. I don't know anyone, and talking with random people whom are with their friends just seems weird. I just cannot harness that energy to do that.

Its funny you say I have trouble living in the moment and being fun with people. The funny thing is I can have fun with people, theres lots of things I love to do. Going out alone just veils all of that. Its incredibly frustrating, which leads to me feeling useless, which just reinforces the fact that every-time I see an attractive girl, I can't make attraction happen.





@humanoutofelement

It is one of the hardest things to do, but its also the one thing in my life thats the most frustrating. It wouldn't be so bad if I had had a few relationships with girls I was into, or actually pretty girls with nice personalities. Problem is I don't meet any of them, then when I do, I just can't make attraction happen without looking over invested in getting to know them or making it obvious that I'm flirting. I mean how else in this limited time am I supposed to get to know you to see how things may go?

I can't do day game either. I've tried maybe a few times but they weren't good efforts and never lead to anything. No other guy does this unless their at day parties or other social events but going up to a cute girl in the library just looks weird and I don't know I don't think I can do it. I feel defeated before even trying. I'm supposed to feel confident, energetic, and pleased with my life but because of the fact that this is such a struggle for me. I have the knowledge I just can't put it into motion without feeling incredibly vulnerable to the point where I need to find an empty room to find myself. I'm an attractive guy and I know once I break the ice and get momentum I'm fine but when it feels like its one sided or I'm not getting any investment I start to feel weird.

I'm graduating in a few weeks anyway, and its very hard to let go of the fact these last 5 years were miserable per-say, when I really thought it was going to be the exact opposite. Lots of friends, lots of girls, etc. All my friends who have graduated says its better in the real world in terms of more time, more freedom, etc. I'm not even sure if that's true.

 

[radeng]

Yes - going out alone is difficult for most at first. You must do it often in order to be excited about it. You will get excited about it once you lose your fear.

Secondly. The real root problem is fear and crippling social and approach anxiety. Don't trick yourself into feeling special here, nearly everyone deals with this to some degree.

The answer is still the same. You need lots of exposure to social situations.

I'm more concerned looking weird alone, which makes me uncomfortable, which makes me feel I look strange, which other people can see. It's a perpetual loop. Sometimes I'm totally fine, other times I feel its pretty bad. It all depends on what my mind feels at that moment and what I am doing.

Stop being concerned about what other people think. Who gives a shit what other people think. Are you playing to win or are you just playing not to lose? If you're playing not to lose, then I'm afraid you'll probably never experience the success you want. Another way of saying, you don't want it bad enough. Want to hit home runs? You must be willing to strike out.

Along those same lines, realize that no-one really gives two shits about you. And if someone thinks you look weird on one night, they won't remember you again. You are not some big event in their life. They will not give a shit about a dude who looks weird alone at a bar. You may even try to talk to them and strike out. Also, not a big deal, no they won't remember. You have to be exceedingly bad and annoying to get a bad reputation. You are on the other end of the spectrum. You couldn't get a bad reputation even if you wanted one. Why? Because it'll take a lot more than a few shitty approaches at a bar to really a have a negative impact on your life. You are way too cognizant to let it go that far.

So sorry to say mate, there's no way around this core problem. You just need to grow some balls and say "Fuck it" and go put yourself out there.

in response to line items:
1) Great! Keep going out alone.
2) Yep. and yes you have plenty of time. Go to the bar for 1hour a night. 4 fucking nights a week. Learn all the bartenders names. Chat up a new *person* every time you go in. Don't make every night about girls, girls will come when you feel confident socially.
3) You make the point of going out whatever you want it to be. Maybe the over arching point of going out is to get good with girls, but you aren't going to achieve that on any one night. Make your usual goals very easy and winnable every night. Starting off, good goals would be:
- ask the bartender their name
- ask one guy how his night is going
- ask one girl how their night is going
- ask one girl what her major is
... etc... make each goal make you feel *slightly* uncomfortable, but not so uncomfortable that you become a little pussy about it and don't do it.

Eventually, you should be inviting girls home on *most* nights out and having wonderful experiences making friends with strangers instantly. It will happen.

Beyond goals, you need to totally be non-judgmental of yourself. NONE. I repeat NONE. of the goals will ever have any success criteria other than, "I did the goal"

The end. Take the pressure off. When you get good you can make your aims a slight bit more results oriented. But even as an advanced practitioner, I would shy away from that, and focus on PROCESS and not of results.

example:
goal: ask 1 girls name.
- You ask a girls name and she yells at you to fuck off? SUCCESS
- You ask a girls name and she immediately kisses you? SUCCESS
- You don't ask a girls name: FAILURE

That simple. DO NOT let your brain trick you into thinking there's more to it than that.

4) Grow some balls bro. Just do it. There is no magic trick to this. You want better social results, then you need to put in more focused social work. If talking to a stranger is too much right now, then start out by asking for the time, asking anything, talking to bartenders, etc...

Lastly,

Going out alone just veils all of that. Its incredibly frustrating, which leads to me feeling useless, which just reinforces the fact that every-time I see an attractive girl, I can't make attraction happen.

Doesn't work like that. You can never really "Make attraction happen." You can make yourself generally as attractive as possible, then you gather the confidence to put yourself in front of attractive girls. You learn the techniques to make her attraction more likely. But you have little control over any single girl. This is why its so important to view this as a numbers game. You must learn through repetition. It is the ONLY way. Which is exactly why you need to drop the whole "I don't wanna look weird" bullshit. Because its not useful, and you can't control what other people think about you. You likely have just as many people thinking you are weird right now for a number of other reasons. So own it, don't be afraid of it.

Cheers,
radeng