I don't want my girlfriend going out to party, but is it ok if I go out?

[EasyE]

We all know how to set boundaries to our women on 'partying' and 'girls trips'.. how how do you set the double standard where they can't go on girls trips, but we can go on boys trips?

My girlfriend knows this boundary of mine, respects it. But as of recently one of my buddies is going overseas with some of my old guy friends for a couple weeks and invited me to come along for a 'boys trip'.

My girlfriend said I can go as long as that means she can now go and have 'girls trips' or go on nights out with her friends. Which I'm obviously not ok with.

Then she said: 'do you really think it's ok that you get to go and I don't?'

I said yes.

To which she said I should go home (hoping I'd stay to continue to talk about it) but I just got up and left nonchalantly.

 

[Atlas IV]

Then she said: 'do you really think it's ok that you get to go and I don't?'

I said yes.

Kinda agree with your girlfriend here

If you're just being inflexible but can't even think of a good justification, then she obviously isn't going to accept your frame.

What is the real reason? You're afraid that she will cheat?

 

[EasyE]

Kinda agree with your girlfriend here

If you're just being inflexible but can't even think of a good justification, then she obviously isn't going to accept your frame.

What is the real reason? You're afraid that she will cheat?

For sure. I don't like her being in situtations/locations where the possibility of her cheating is more likely.

Yet, I also don't think it's a big deal if I go.

'If you do it, I get to do it' is her logic- which honestly makes sense. But I just don't like it.

Just because I've slept with 100 girls doesn't mean I really want a woman who's slept with 100 men, for example.

The other reason is that she's been on multiple trips overseas with her family, including the same location I got invited to. (Though she was with family and wasn't clubbing/partying)

I have been working pretty flat out the last few years and put off travelling, drinking and once I hit a milestone next month, the trip happens fit perfectly in right afterwards. It'd be a good reset for me, but then I don't want it to trigger a door opening her to to 'girls trips' and 'girls nights out' because I did one trip with my friends, for the first time in a few years.

 

[James D]

Oh boy I can sense this thread derailing into guys who think wives and GFs should not party VS those who think it's totally fine.

My girlfriend said I can go as long as that means she can now go and have 'girls trips' or go on nights out with her friends. Which I'm obviously not ok with.

Then she said: 'do you really think it's ok that you get to go and I don't?'

I said yes.

Obviously it's not fair to her.

Best thing is to select a girl who does not like to party so that this boundary comes effortlessly.

 

[AspiringStoic]

For sure. I don't like her being in situtations/locations where the possibility of her cheating is more likely.

Yet, I also don't think it's a big deal if I go.

'If you do it, I get to do it' is her logic- which honestly makes sense. But I just don't like it.

Just because I've slept with 100 girls doesn't mean I really want a woman who's slept with 100 men, for example.

The other reason is that she's been on multiple trips overseas with her family, including the same location I got invited to. (Though she was with family and wasn't clubbing/partying)

I have been working pretty flat out the last few years and put off travelling, drinking and once I hit a milestone next month, the trip happens fit perfectly in right afterwards. It'd be a good reset for me, but then I don't want it to trigger a door opening her to to 'girls trips' and 'girls nights out' because I did one trip with my friends, for the first time in a few years.

I have seen this many many times. It only ends 1 way. You are going to lose this girl if you go down this road.

By doing this, you are effectively telling her you are the prize, I am lucky to have you, I know that if you have the slightest chance of getting with another guy, you would do so.

All this translates to I am not good enough for you. I know that, so I am trying to put you in a cage.

So sooner or later she is going to lose attraction for you, if she has not begun to already.

 

[OldGuy]

There are many posts on here on one-sided monogamy. Look up some of them.

 

[EasyE]

There are many posts on here on one-sided monogamy. Look up some of them.

One sided monogamy is about sexual/romantic exclusivity.

This is a double standard...

But hey, feel free to shoot some posts this way if you think they relate

 

[EasyE]

Obviously it's not fair to her.

Best thing is to select a girl who does not like to party so that this boundary comes effortlessly.

I have seen this many many times. It only ends 1 way. You are going to lose this girl if you go down this road.

By doing this, you are effectively telling her you are the prize, I am lucky to have you, I know that if you have the slightest chance of getting with another guy, you would do so.

Agreed, to both of you.

It's not about me putting limits on her, it's more about me going back on the rules that I made for the relationship.

In the beginning I established the boundary that we don't put outselves in situations where it will affect the relationship (Partying, clubs, travelling with friends, etc). It's all been running smoothly since then. Gave her the 'you can go ahead and do it but I won't take this relationship seriously' speech. Of course I don't take this too far, she can go to bars once in a while and myself included without each other.

Now I'm the one who has the opportunity to go party overseas, and she's holding a mirror right back at me reflecting the standards I had set. Because if it were the other way around she probably would've completely declined the request knowing it would be inappropriate for her to go.

I'm just curious if there's a way I can get away with it, and I can go hang out with some of my degenerate friends for a week or so.

 

[S.S Can]

I have seen this many many times. It only ends 1 way. You are going to lose this girl if you go down this road.

By doing this, you are effectively telling her you are the prize, I am lucky to have you, I know that if you have the slightest chance of getting with another guy, you would do so.

All this translates to I am not good enough for you. I know that, so I am trying to put you in a cage.

So sooner or later she is going to lose attraction for you, if she has not begun to already.

This is about framing. There can be any number of reasons why you don't want her to go out and travel that don't have to do with thinking that she's the prize or scarcity.

The real problem is that you didn't set the expectation initially.

 

[Atlas IV]

I'm just curious if there's a way I can get away with it

So you're asking for a magic bullet to reset a bad frame.

You should read through this really educative thread by @Devilicious, specifically @Chase's responses about frame control.

Frame is set until its lost.

Once lost, it's lost forever.

 

[Skills]

We all know how to set boundaries to our women on 'partying' and 'girls trips'.. how how do you set the double standard where they can't go on girls trips, but we can go on boys trips?

My girlfriend knows this boundary of mine, respects it. But as of recently one of my buddies is going overseas with some of my old guy friends for a couple weeks and invited me to come along for a 'boys trip'.

My girlfriend said I can go as long as that means she can now go and have 'girls trips' or go on nights out with her friends. Which I'm obviously not ok with.

Then she said: 'do you really think it's ok that you get to go and I don't?'

I said yes.

To which she said I should go home (hoping I'd stay to continue to talk about it) but I just got up and left nonchalantly.

what is the issue?? the only time i had issues with this is with 1 girl i did not trust, if you trust your girl, is ok.... most women now a days go out, have fun go back home.... Most of the scary stories are from previous gens, and it cause most guys picked the wrong girl anyways.