I fear I am weak and it is messing with my head.

[Indian Race Troll (IRT)]

Not an easy post for me to make but I had to come forth since I have seen enough on this forum to know I am in a good place. I have a fear of being weak and it has to do with my upbringing and life so far. I turn 28 in about a week too.

So I have never been in a fight my entire life, as bad as that sounds. Growing up, I had overbearing parents who tried their best to raise me to be a goody two shoe. My father was abusive and my overall family, including mom, were toxic people. I had moments in middle school where I let a couple guys slap me on two separate occasions because I feared bigger bullies, my parents at home who found every reason to shout at me, talk down to me, and make me feel small.

Things got better in high school and afterwards in college. I didn't get into fights or face much direct bullying but my dating life was not where it needed to be. After putting some work into dating apps and having a friend take really good photos, things took off for me at around the age of 25. I have been on dates with so many different women and slept with a handful.

My most recent date got ruined by a shithead former boss of mines. I always try to be a hardworker and team player but this guy, who was initially nice for months, was a snake who found a reason to step over me. I felt like I set poor boundaries and it was tough to gage since this guy was a goody two shoe but became a snake in the grass.

But I have fears at night and at times even moments of rage in private. I worry if I will be able to defend the women I love and hold my ground if this kind of a scumbag comes around. I worry if I have it in me to be a fighter. I have always been the guy who stuck to his own ways, never picked any battles, and just did his own thing but sometimes I run into a guy who is out looking for trouble. I quite frankly suck at putting guys in their place and I fear if I will ever get good at it.

I read Chase's post on dealing with AMOGs and I have read that but the worst for me are friends, acquaintances, and coworkers who actually know me that I have to stand my ground against.

 

[Lover]

For becoming a fighter, join a martial arts center or a krav maga school. It's a practical skill, but it also increases your confidence years down the road. Increased confidence = you tolerate less getting offended. A fighter is made through continuous hardship, not from the easy life.. always remember that

And never give up. You will pass milestones when you expect it the least! I just passed two milestones this weekend without expecting to. And eventually, with more experience and increased confidence, you will eventually maneuver through difficult situations

Good luck!

 

[Skills]

Read the book no more mr. nice guy by Robert Glober....

 

[DarkKnight]

Hey bro... I feel for you I honestly do. But I am also happy to see you introspect so much about this issue... There are a lot of people who keep dodging this problem, it seems to me you are not one of that kind. Join a respectful MMA gym or a kickboxing gym.. It won't turn you into a warrior over night but Lover has a point... it's something that you become continously facing hardships..

I also get what you mean with people giving you shit who already know you... In these kinds of situations people who know you are the ones who hold you back the most. When you try to change/improve your personality they can hold you back because this is not "who you are supposed to be'. I suppose this is another point where assertiveness comes into play.

If you want my recommendations:
1. Join MMA/Kickboxing
2. Create a new social circle where you can cultivate your NEW improved or changed personality.. because the people from your past will keep treating you as they know you. The irony is.. Only you know really you. Don't ask them for validation, just do your own thing. Before you know it the changes in you are entrenched and then they either have the choice of accepting you or avoiding you. There will always be some foolhardy people who will refuse to see the changes though.

3. Also realise that frustration is a GOOD thing. Frustration and regret are the main two things which can change you towards a new path. Frustration can give you the energy.. regret, what you are feeling right now is what will change you. Embrace the frustration.

 

[Starboy]

When you describe your background and how your experiences with your parents and kids sculpted your fear of being weak it sounds a lot like me. I grew up with overbearing parents myself coming from an asian parents and I had a weak,fragile old man as a father who raised me in a way that didn't foster me to be strong and confident. Kids also fucked around with me growing up especially in middle school and having skinny asian genetics I couldn't really clap back at them either. I also wonder and contemplate whether I could fight other grown men too and find myself imagining myself as a tough guy when that's probably not who I truly am and me thinking that I can be is just a defense mechanism and my mind's way of coping with anger and frustration. If I was getting girls I probably wouldn't get as anxious as I normally get.

My suggestion to you is to work out by lifting weights in the gym correctly and gradually build some muscle and put on weight. Having physical strength helps you feel secure about your chances in a fight and sometimes it can discourage other men but that alone won't be enough because you will always find a guy who is either stronger than you or has more experience with fighting. So you need formal training in martial arts. Mma gyms are good,krav maga, boxing can be good too,but make sure whatever martial arts you choose they're not the classes where you just get a good workout or you learn martial arts techniques for sport. Ideally you should be sparring with someone so you learn how to actually strike a real person and not just hit a punching bag or a dummy. I'm not sure if gyms are currently open in your area so you may have to do some probing or wait for them.

Lastly this fear of conflict you have it's normal,but it's also misleading. Because most of the time you worrying about what other men might do to you is bullshit manifested by your brain. It's constantly probing for threats to your ego survival even though a majority of the time as long as you don't instigate or provoke other people you will be straight and nobody is really going to fuck with you. The only time a man really posed a serious threat to me was I was in the subway last year and in a bad mood and was kind of being a dickhead and walked in front of him and got in his way,he told me to watch where I was walking and I ignored him. Then he told me he was gonna smack the shit out of me. Ever since then I feel like i've kind of been on edge a little bit even though I know I could've avoided that situation. So don't worry too much about your fear of conflict it's normal,but can be irrational at the same time. You don't have to be a prisoner to it. There are things you can do to make yourself secure

 

[Mr STIF]

I used to be a very nice guy, didn't want to hurt anyone. I even thought for a while that seduction is just misleading women, and I'm just a bad boy for doing that .

But motherfucker, fuck those thoughts in my head. I will be too scared that I'll avoid conflict. I'm tall and big enough, this attracted women to me only for them to find out that I'm just meh, not interesting to them. Other times I will be too playful and look like a dancing monkey that won't seal the deal.

After a couple of infield experiences and studying human nature, I realised how humans detest the nice guy and will even look down on him. But when I stood up for myself my charisma was felt by those around and it became my charm.

I was bullied alot when I was in school. I quit things easily, and I thought that some stuffs where meant for some kind of people and not me. I either saw it as way too high status for me.

Lemme give you an example: when I was in school, the school authority would love me to hold an appointment but I will decline it. I don't do that anymore, I embrace every experience that life has to offer. My rule is I don't know if I like it so I must try out first. If I fail, well, that's it. If I do well then I continue working my charm.

The fact is people love themselves more than any other person so when they see you take bullshit from other people(not loving yourself) they'll find you irritating like one piece of shit.

How does being too nice affect you in game? Women are naturally not as strong as Men. So the male species is meant to protect the female from external attacks. When women start liking you and notice that nice guy syndrome, it affects their attraction for you because you won't stand up for yourself. How then would she be expecting you to stand up for her if the need presents itself?

Decide to set boundaries, for the sake of that little voice in your head because no one else would face those thoughts except you. I'm very blunt, these days, I spit the truth and you can call me proud but don't forget that pride is the most attractive quality a woman likes in man. Don't put people down and don't let others put you down. And if someone is trying to put you down, you call them out on it.

Ever since I started standing up for things I really want, my life has changed. Humans love me for that while those that hate me just hate my devilmaycare guts.

But never forget man, no guts no glory. The PUA is a high value man and if you play that role in this game, you know enough to care about what people would say than how you will feel on the inside. To me how I feel on the inside is more paramount than how many people died from the pandemic.

I literally give zero fucks, by the way, people love those that love themselves. You gotta love yourself, brother. Love yourself enough to call out bullies on their mind games, if not, you'll soak up that useless experience and come back home regretting how you acted. Thereby, making feel like a total wuss, your self esteem would be hurt for good.

Mr Stif.

 

[Militarybrat]

Post here is one thing most people have it is the fear of death. Lets put it this way you will die it is called the end of life and can happen at any moment. There is no rational reason to fear death yet people still think they will live 10,000 years. They plan for their future like it is guaranteed to them we are all guilty of this at times.

Fear triggers the fight or flight response in humans it can cause you to freeze when you should act. It causes your body to release adrenaline it is what you do at this time that matters. Move forward and it is called courage which for me is preferred that said overwhelming force against me more than 2 wanting to do me harm time for flight ( this is for unarmed conflict, armed well there are never enough to cause flight). You must appear calm on the outside cold calculating while inside channeling the energy to the specific goal. Experience and training give you the tools to do this it is more mental than physical. Act when forced to act turn and walk away whenever possible there is no shame here it is called smart. Always stand up for yourself as no one else will. "God helps the man who helps himself" one of my favorite sayings.

Here is something for you it is a quote I find helpful at times. " I shall not fear, for fear is the mind killer, it is the little death, that brings about total obliteration, I shall let fear pass over me, through me, where fear has gone only I will remain." This would be real good for those that have approach anxiety. Believe in yourself post you are your most important asset!

Brat

 

[YS.]

You should know how to navigate social environments. We had a MASSIVE bully in high school. He was one of the smallest kids, but he was very social and was tight with many of the big kids. There are a lot of small and weak dudes with a lot of swagger because they know how to navigate shit.

That doesn't mean licking your knuckles and fighting, it could be, but it doesn't have to be. This could also be the bouncer that you just got a Redbull to handles the situation before it even arises. Or you know you could call the police, press charges and completely fuck him up. Or it could be being solid with him without escalating, thus causing the situation to de-escalate.

The problem isn't that you don't know how to fight. The problem is you have no idea how to handle it, which fighting is a solid option.

I like @Skills suggestion. No More Mr. Nice Guy. Because this is really not a fighting issue, you're just not a man yet. A man handles these situations or knows how to.

I have been doing martial arts (BJJ & Kick-Boxing) on and off since 2014. (Much earlier if you count 2 years of Aikido as martial arts but I don't.) It will no doubt help you in these situations but even if you go to BJJ for 10 years, you will still have fear of nightclubs because you simply do not have experience of potential situations and don't know how to handle them. But if you get in a few fights and handle them, then you'll feel comfortable. Or... If you successfully sue someone, then you'll feel confident on how to handle it. Or if shit happens and you realize nothing really happened, you experience the real world reactions and start to get comfortable.

This is all anxiety caused by a lack of reality.

Most of the time being willing to fight goes much farther than being able to fight.

Or how you frame conflicts goes much farther than actually winning them. ("Oh my God, no. I am helpless. My existance is completely at the hands of some other people, can I even freely exist anymore? I want my mommy. I need someone to help me and protect me." VS. "Meh I just lost a scrap. Shit was fun.") Go watch The Game (rapper, famous street brawler) interview where he talks about street fights he lost. He just sees it much differently (much less life or death) than probably you would have.

Anyway... Learn how to handle these situations. That will only come with experience. Putting yourself through them and seeing you're OK and actually generating "General Knowledge" which cures anxiety. I went to boxing for 3 years, became an actually OK fighter, then was terrified when I restarted going out. How your fucked up mind frames the fear changes, not the fear itself, now you start being scared of knives or gangs & shit.

...until you actually fucking do the damn thing and realize nobody is gonna stab you. Then you feel like a fucking dumbass spending 3 years getting head trauma and quit boxing. (Hear hear.) You need to learn how to be a man much more than learning how to fight, albeit that definitely helps. But alone, would be pretty useless.

You are not weak because you are physically weak, you are weak because you are weak. Weakness of a person has nothing to do with their physical poweress. You'll find pretty buff bitches and pretty skinny gangsters.

 

[Indian Race Troll (IRT)]

Good responses, I did read the book recommended but might need to give it a short revisit. I feel like a lot of the stuff on it is stuff I should already know and was a reminder. At this point, I feel like I know enough but I have not applied enough. There comes a time in a guy's life where he has enough knowledge but has to now apply it. Thankfully the gyms are open in NYC, I am a bit short on cash and behind on where I want to be savings wise but once I get to a certain amount which should happen by the end of this month, I am going to be going a martial arts.

Seems like Krav Maga is the go from the readings I have done.

 

[petabigboss]

Do what you are afraid of....Its that simple. Go in a ring to fight and so on. Keep doing it..and you will no longer fear it and have confidence. Jump from plane (with parachute) and so on.

 

[Indian Race Troll (IRT)]

Had kind of an angry instance again hours ago, call it a dark fantasy involving former coworkers. I guess what I do not get is how the people who instigate arguments, fights, and make a workplace toxic are allowed to get away with it for so long. How those kinds of people never really get theirs and the whole Just World Mentality thing. It is like now I have some friends and newer coworkers worth fighting for and I somehow ended up imagining new scenarios in my head of old boss and one piece of crap coworker trying to target new coworkers and new family, trying to stop me from success as others are trying to help me towards it.

I guess it was less feeling weak and more of how the heck are the instigators all too often allowed to get away with it scotch free.