I got friendzoned

[FS80]

I met this girl three times, but didn't physically escalate on the first two dates (I know, big mistake!). She told me, she's not looking for a ONS or affair on the first date. She either wants a relationship or friendship. Her statement made me cautious since I liked her. After the second date, I liked her even more. On the third date, I was trying to touch her like putting my arm around her which she let on, but didn't reciprocate. At the end of the date she told me it's more like a friendship for her and that she doesn't want to make any expectations (not what I wanted to hear of course). Now I decided to not contact her anymore. Maybe she will contact me if there's something from her side, but I think it's unlikely.

What's your opinion and how to handle this situation?

 

[Raqimus]

Just move on, like you said let her contact you. If she does, try making a move early and set up the date/hangout at your place or hers.

 

[Seppuku]

Oops. OK don't take anything personally but I'm going to be critical here, in order to help you.

What's your opinion and how to handle this situation?

The best way to handle this situation is not getting into it in the first place. You did let yourself trapped into this dead end, although she was good enough to give you three dates.

On the third date, I was trying to touch her like putting my arm around her which she let on, but didn't reciprocate

This attempt came way too late. At this stage it feels creepy because it was a touchless interaction so far. You should have broken the touch barrier *in the first couple of minutes* of your first date with incidental touching. Makes it way easier later when you want to escalate into more romantic touching.

She told me, she's not looking for a ONS or affair on the first date. She either wants a relationship or friendship. Her statement made me cautious since I liked her.

Here, you may not be aware there was a frame battle going on. Her frame: "I'm a good girl and I only engage into LTR. Give me a relationship". Your frame: I suspect it was "I'm a good, gentle nice guy and you're safe with me. I'd be glad to have you in my life". Her frame was stronger, she won the frame battle just by voicing her "not into ONS" and you submitted to it. Go and try to get her to bed now.

A better frame would have been "I'm a sexy handsome guy and not impressed by your beauty. You're welcome into my life". If you press your frame before she does, your frame is the strongest and maybe she wouldn't even have voiced her "not into ONS". Much easier for you after.

Remember: the girl is here on a date with you hoping you will make her submit to you. BUT. She cannot make it easy for you because it would be slutty.
Wow her by giving her what she badly wants: submit to you. Instead, it was you submitting to her frame. You failed the test. Now you're a friend.

I met this girl three times, but didn't physically escalate on the first two dates (I know, big mistake!).

Yeah precisely.

At the end of the date she told me it's more like a friendship for her and that she doesn't want to make any expectations (not what I wanted to hear of course).

End result is lose / lose. She walked back home disappointed. Now go and try to salvage the situation. Much better (and easier!) to do it right in the first place.

Now I decided to not contact her anymore. Maybe she will contact me if there's something from her side, but I think it's unlikely.

It is wise not to contact her now. You will be too needy and chasey if you do. It has to come from her - IF it does.

I hope my assessment of the situation will help you to be better next time.
Seppuku

 

[FS80]

Thanks for your detailed answer.

You should have broken the touch barrier *in the first couple of minutes* of your first date with incidental touching. Makes it way easier later when you want to escalate into more romantic touching.

You mean like touching her arm or shoulder?

Here, you may not be aware there was a frame battle going on. Her frame: "I'm a good girl and I only engage into LTR. Give me a relationship". Your frame: I suspect it was "I'm a good, gentle nice guy and you're safe with me. I'd be glad to have you in my life". Her frame was stronger, she won the frame battle just by voicing her "not into ONS" and you submitted to it. Go and try to get her to bed now.

Exactly. This is how it went.

A better frame would have been "I'm a sexy handsome guy and not impressed by your beauty. You're welcome into my life". If you press your frame before she does, your frame is the strongest and maybe she wouldn't even have voiced her "not into ONS". Much easier for you after.

How can I express this frame? Sometimes I tell her early that I find HER sexy in order to escalate verbally, too.

End result is lose / lose. She walked back home disappointed. Now go and try to salvage the situation. Much better (and easier!) to do it right in the first place.

You mean trying to get her home on the first date?

As I don't contact her anymore, there's no salvage of the situation as of now.

It is wise not to contact her now. You will be too needy and chasey if you do. It has to come from her - IF it does.

Exactly. Let's say she will contact me one day (I had this before with someone else), what should I do? How should I behave? Rapid escalation on first meeting?

 

[Seppuku]

You mean like touching her arm or shoulder?

Yes. Incidental touching. For instance on a high point of your conversation you briefly touch her forearm. Later on you become a little bit more daring. You may want to check this post I made.

Exactly. This is how it went.

Yeah. Don't worry man, we've *all* been there many times before. Feels deja vu. Hopefully we ultimately learn the lesson.

How can I express this frame? Sometimes I tell her early that I find HER sexy in order to escalate verbally, too.

You control your body language to convey that you are completely *unfazed* by her beauty. You do not flinch. You quit the wide friendly smile and replace it with occasional *slow smile* (the way Chase describes it). That's the "handsome sexy man" part of the frame. For the "you're welcome to my life" it's about the way you frame your communication.

Escalate verbally: It is much easier and efficient to escalate her physically, with your touch. See my link above.

You mean trying to get her home on the first date?

Ideally yes. Or maximum second date. Here you made your first move (arms over her) way too late. This should have happened on date 1. The main lesson here is, the more you wait, the more likely to fuck it up you are. When you become better, you can learn how to sustain the sexual tension over several dates if need be. But now you're better off acting faster.

Let's say she will contact me one day (I had this before with someone else), what should I do? How should I behave? Rapid escalation on first meeting?

You act as if nothing ever happened and start it from scratch.

 

[FS80]

Yes. Incidental touching. For instance on a high point of your conversation you briefly touch her forearm. Later on you become a little bit more daring. You may want to check this post I made.

Great guide, man. Sometimes it happens for me that she doesn't sit next to me. For example, she sits on the edge of another couch, so that we sit in a 45 degree angle, but too far away to touch. What could I say to her to get her sit next to me from the beginning?

 

[Seppuku]

Very easy. "Hey, why don't you come closer? Come here, please". I do it all the time. It's a soft but commanding tone.

 

[FS80]

It is wise not to contact her now. You will be too needy and chasey if you do. It has to come from her - IF it does.

She texted me today to wish me good luck to something I have told her, but I don't know how it is meant to be. First time she texted me on her own. How do I proceed? I think, if I want to find out, I need to risk something.

 

[Seppuku]

Hey,

You don't lose your shit by going all in on her first text. Keep it silent for a little bit then return a brief, polite answer. Then go silent again.

The reason I advise this is because it's likely a shit test. Girls do that. The guy is silent? They send a bait text. The guy goes full in and text her back a needy text right away. Test failed. He pretended he was silent but was just as needy as before and it was not the real deal.

After you go silent again, see if she's the one getting the bait. She may be reinitiating text. Then you resume communication.

Girls are craving for attention, like they need their fix. You were the guy shoving her with attention. She felt like a little queen. Then suddenly you turned off. Where is she going to get her fix? So she's discreetly coming back. The key is to give her attention, but not as much as she would like, so she keeps coming for more (you do that by only answering 2/3 of her texts, for instance). That's how you reverse the chase dynamics. See if you can get there, before attempting to ask her out again.

If she doesn't get there, it's up to you to see. After a couple of day you could give a "hi" text to see how it goes. In general I think it's easier to engage a new girl than trying to turn around a messed up case.

Seppuku