I matched with my ex-gf on Tinder

[belmo]

We dated briefly in 2021. She's autistic and adhd and stuff... kind of a sensitive firecracker personality. We've met again and apparently she's angry at me.

She sends the first message:

Her: "Just wanted to remind you that you sucking suck your tinder page has barely changed evolve a little. And I totally knew that you'd swipe right on me you're so predicable"

Me: "Just like old times. Good to see you again."

Then she accuses me of trying to pay me to keep dating her. (this never happened... she misunderstood something)

Me: "Where the fuck did you get that idea lmfao"

We go through the rigamaroo of her pissiness and I ask what exactly she's so upset about. She replies:

Her answer: "You swiping right on me and still thinking it would fucking work"

(we met on tinder back in 2021)

So... how can I reply to this? I haven't broken frame of being unconfident yet, but I wanna. She's had shitty boyfriends and her bio indicates that she's looking to chill and cuddle with someone. I'd like to give it another shot with her.

 

[Skills]

Good job, tell her not to flatter herself and that someone must have hatch her acct cause it swiped right on you... to contact tinder admin for the glitch.... she obviously still likes u

 

[belmo]

She already claimed in the beginning of the interaction that she matched me just to check if I matched her

 

[TomInHo]

The opposite of love is indifference

Meaning.... she's still down to fuck

 

[Will_V]

There are good reasons not to get back with your ex.

Maybe it's just me, and I don't mean to offend, but I'd be a little embarrassed to get back with an ex on Tinder. It's like finding her at the local auction or something.

YMMV.

 

[TomInHo]

There are good reasons not to get back with your ex.

Maybe it's just me, and I don't mean to offend, but I'd be a little embarrassed to get back with an ex on Tinder. It's like finding her at the local auction or something.

YMMV.

It's not a big deal. EX is for sEX G!

Not like he's trying to marry her or anything. But if he can't emotionally handle them just fucking then yeah he shouldn't do it

 

[Will_V]

It's not a big deal. EX is for sEX G!

Not like he's trying to marry her or anything. But if he can't emotionally handle them just fucking then yeah he shouldn't do it

I've always regretted fucking exes for pleasure, except in the couple weeks or so after breakup when emotions are still hot.

But after a while apart the thing you had before is dead and buried, and even if you go back to her for fun, the thing you had before, the history that's gone stale, is in your face and has to be ignored, and that's super weird.

And girls can never ignore that stuff. Meaning she's either going to get reattached (which i don't like doing to girls) or she's going to be a little dead inside. Neither of which gets my boat floating.

And, if you really loved a girl, do you actually think it's possible to fuck for pleasure? Not for me.

 

[belmo]

It's not a big deal. EX is for sEX G!

Not like he's trying to marry her or anything. But if he can't emotionally handle them just fucking then yeah he shouldn't do it

I've seen your posts and I respect them . Thanks for the reply.

So what is your recommendation here for how I message her on tinder? What do I say? Where the plans

 

[StrayDog]

And, if you really loved a girl, do you actually think it's possible to fuck for pleasure? Not for me.

Same. I barely feel any real sexual attraction with an ex. It's like been there done that. Just can't muster the spark.

 

[Will_V]

Same. I barely feel any real sexual attraction with an ex. It's like been there done that. Just can't muster the spark.

I can still want her sexually but I won't take her because once that door is closed its done.

 

[DarkKnight]

There are good reasons not to get back with your ex.

Maybe it's just me, and I don't mean to offend, but I'd be a little embarrassed to get back with an ex on Tinder. It's like finding her at the local auction or something.

YMMV.

I agree man.. I also think it is the place of re-meeting eachother. Tinder, fucking bottom of the barrel. Anyway assuming he hopes not to get back into a relationship....

I also believe there is this thing where women create drama and we men end up feeling responsible for it when we are emotionally associated still. So their dramatics seem to trigger feelings of involvement within us why we want to repair. I have caught these feelings with me with girls I ended with or was lukewarm interested. But usually it is a trap and clean cut is best.

I suspect that OP feels sympathy for her and is emotionally associated

Chase once wrote something similar.. that girls pull back as a evolutionary evolved gambit. So I suspect this is what OP is experiencing right now.

 

[Will_V]

I agree man.. I also think it is the place of re-meeting eachother. Tinder, fucking bottom of the barrel. Anyway assuming he hopes not to get back into a relationship....

I also believe there is this thing where women create drama and we men end up feeling responsible for it when we are emotionally associated still. So their dramatics seem to trigger feelings of involvement within us why we want to repair. I have caught these feelings with me with girls I ended with or was lukewarm interested. But usually it is a trap and clean cut is best.

I suspect that OP feels sympathy for her and is emotionally associated

Chase once wrote something similar.. that girls pull back as a evolutionary evolved gambit. So I suspect this is what OP is experiencing right now.

Absolutely right, sometimes I'll get a call from an ex and she'll be in this mood of needing something fixed or life not going quite as planned or whatever bs, and I think to myself 'I could fix all her problems and fuck her to wrap it up and it would only take me a couple of hours' and that annoys me. Because that's what I used to do when we were together. But I know what it comes with. So I pull myself together, say something polite and end the call, and remind myself why we aren't together and how happy I was to be free.

I don't know how people can spend their lives playing around with loose ends, it weakens you and makes you forget how seriously you should take things if you really want to get somewhere in the long run and be the sort of person you want to become.

Anyway, I guess I shouldn't be ranting in someone's 'how to get back with my ex' thread but I really can't think of anything else that's useful to say.

 

[DarkKnight]

Anyway, I guess I shouldn't be ranting in someone's 'how to get back with my ex' thread but I really can't think of anything else that's useful to say.

Nah man this is relevant. So the OP learns from our experienced because he probably doesnt understand the root cause of his own behavior

 

[DarkJedi]

We dated briefly in 2021. She's autistic and adhd and stuff... kind of a sensitive firecracker personality. We've met again and apparently she's angry at me.

She sends the first message:

Her: "Just wanted to remind you that you sucking suck your tinder page has barely changed evolve a little. And I totally knew that you'd swipe right on me you're so predicable"

Me: "Just like old times. Good to see you again."

Then she accuses me of trying to pay me to keep dating her. (this never happened... she misunderstood something)

Me: "Where the fuck did you get that idea lmfao"

We go through the rigamaroo of her pissiness and I ask what exactly she's so upset about. She replies:

Her answer: "You swiping right on me and still thinking it would fucking work"

(we met on tinder back in 2021)

So... how can I reply to this? I haven't broken frame of being unconfident yet, but I wanna. She's had shitty boyfriends and her bio indicates that she's looking to chill and cuddle with someone. I'd like to give it another shot with her.

She sounds super-dramatic. If you want some passionate angry-sex with an ex, sure, go for it. But be sure to not get sucked into her drama like the others have said.

The thing with these kind of situations is, if you let yourself feel guilty or sympathy even a bit, you start investing in her, and it grows and you get sucked in more and more. One fine day she's out of it and you're fully in.

String of shitty boyfriends: who do you think is the common one in those relationships? Don't be the white knight.

 

[StrayDog]

She sounds super-dramatic. If you want some passionate angry-sex with an ex, sure, go for it. But be sure to not get sucked into her drama like the others have said.

The thing with these kind of situations is, if you let yourself feel guilty or sympathy even a bit, you start investing in her, and it grows and you get sucked in more and more. One fine day she's out of it and you're fully in.

String of shitty boyfriends: who do you think is the common one in those relationships? Don't be the white knight.

ex sex= more opportunity for dynamics that drain time and energy. Unless you can be completely detached. But where is the fun in that?

Personally of the belief that sleeping with an ex instead of just picking up a new gal can be closely tied to a scarcity mindset

Sex with an former FWB, now that can be all fun and good. Sex with an ex proper though...

 

[belmo]

Thanks for the good advice guys. I think I agree with it all so far, especially re: scarcity and neediness.

The good news is I have plenty of plates spinning, so I'm not dependent on my ex at all. But I believe that this tinder matching of a girl I have great chemistry with (outside of her weird anger). She's a weird girl I really like that sort of energy -- I sorta discovered my "type" from her so she's fun to be around.

Anyway, after he last message I waited to respond (non-neediness, I had other shit to do), and she unmatched me from Tinder. I still have her instagram and phone of course. How should I contact her?



1. "it was good matching on tinder. I miss you too" (sarcastic, addressing that she was angry)
2. "you know <your insta name> is from the sopranos right?"
3. "what did you think of the series finale of <show we watched together that she's a huge fan of"
4. "yo do you wanna come over and watch <show she loves> and smoke?" (she indicated on her bio that she just wanted someone to cuddle with and watch movies etc)
5. "do you think you've been hurt by men who oversexualize you?" (sounds faggy but I think this is true and the root of her romantic chaos imo -- could spark a conversation, it's not me being a white knight or simp)

Just some ideas for messaging her again -- any help appreciated. Other "openers" welcome. I understand "just forget about her," but I wanna take my shot with seeing her again, so strategy for that would be great.

 

[Skills]

yeah i am from the don't deal and fuck around with ex crew ..... The times i have done it nothing and i mean nothing good came out of it..... She is an ex for a reason...

We are talking ex main/ex gf or ex mltr..... I am not talking about ex flings or fb (this is ok)

What happens is your Ras will focus on all the good things you missed you will forget all of the bad

Then when you are dealing with them you go "oh shit now i remember why i dump this girl"

 

[Chase]

Anyway, after he last message I waited to respond (non-neediness, I had other shit to do), and she unmatched me from Tinder. I still have her instagram and phone of course. How should I contact her?



1. "it was good matching on tinder. I miss you too" (sarcastic, addressing that she was angry)
2. "you know <your insta name> is from the sopranos right?"
3. "what did you think of the series finale of <show we watched together that she's a huge fan of"
4. "yo do you wanna come over and watch <show she loves> and smoke?" (she indicated on her bio that she just wanted someone to cuddle with and watch movies etc)
5. "do you think you've been hurt by men who oversexualize you?" (sounds faggy but I think this is true and the root of her romantic chaos imo -- could spark a conversation, it's not me being a white knight or simp)

Just some ideas for messaging her again -- any help appreciated. Other "openers" welcome. I understand "just forget about her," but I wanna take my shot with seeing her again, so strategy for that would be great.

Well, she unmatched on Tinder, which means anything you do at this point is chasing.

She's still attracted, but your response was too tepid, and you lost the chance. So the choices now are chase, and either validate her while feeling bad and getting nothing back, or validate her but maybe she's feeling extra nice and throws you a little bone.

So here's the advice:

She unmatched you on the place you were talking.

If she wants to talk to you again, she's just going to have to figure out another way to message you.

In the meantime,

I Don’t Chase 'Em, I Replace 'Em

A couple of fellas have asked on here about cutting contact recently. Here's Matt's comment from the article entitled "Your Mental Model is Flawed": “Can you explain cut off marks (ie, cutting off contact with a girl... say if she doesn't sleep with you or is not responding well) in more detail...

www.girlschase.com

Cheers,
Chase

 

[belmo]

Well, she unmatched on Tinder, which means anything you do at this point is chasing.

She's still attracted, but your response was too tepid, and you lost the chance. So the choices now are chase, and either validate her while feeling bad and getting nothing back, or validate her but maybe she's feeling extra nice and throws you a little bone.

For future reference, how should I have made my response less tepid?

 

[Chase]

For future reference, how should I have made my response less tepid?

Well, your responses are "nice to see you" then "where did you get that idea?" and likely other remarks that yield control of the conversation to her.

You need to be flirting, bantering, engaging her in something fun, that puts you in the driver's seat, instead of reactive to it.

That said, this conversation is SO hostile from her, filled with insults and swear words... I don't know if she is usually like that or there is backstory here. If she's always like that I don't know how the two of you even got together in the first place (did you just trade barbs until she wanted to meet?).

If it's due to bitterness over how you both split up, then you need to resolve that and offer her and olive branch, because just circling around responding to her, or even trying to flirt, is going to strike the wrong note, and not address the gaping open sore that the relationship left.

If it is due to bitterness, I wonder what the heck you did to make this girl so very hostile to you...

Just in general, I have a lot of questions about this whole conversation...!

Chase