I need to get this girl, but she's so hot and cold

[manipulator]

I've been hanging out with this girl for around 5 months. I should say right now at the start that she has been through a really tough break up, and has made it very clear she does not want another relationship.

But, we got very close, very fast. Not that I knew it at the time, but I was getting on board the craziest roller coaster of my life. We immediately had a connection and it because pretty obvious that we both liked each other. We started spending A LOT of time together. I'm talking like 3 - 4 days a week, and messaging each other all day every day.

So one day, we're on the beach, we start cuddling, and just as something is about to happen, she pulls away. She made a bunch of different reasons that didn't make much sense to me. Afterwards she told me about how I'm growing on her but she still doesn't want anything, so we should keep going very slow. This was all fair enough and I wasn't mad or anything.... Then 3 days later, BAM, she went into complete denial and told me she had NO feelings for me and that night meant absolutely nothing. Alllllrighty then.

This has happened literally 5 - 6 times since, with a lot of arguments and confusion in between, and often some time spent apart out of anger. We'd get close, flirt constantly, start cuddling like a couple whenever we hung out, then something would start to happen, but as soon as it was about to go any further than fooling around she would stop it! Then she'd slowly go cold on me, and tell me she has no feelings for me! She'd state soooo many reasons that we're not compatible and make me feel like shit.... Yet a week prior she'd be saying things like, "I wish I was in your bed." "We have such a special connection." "Why have you made me so attracted to you at the wrong time." "Pick the right moment and do whatever you want." I could go on.

The stupid thing is, SHE'S always been the one initiating anything intimate between us. Whenever I've asked for space, SHE'S been the one to start messaging and wanting to start hanging out again, I have distanced myself on multiple occasions and she clearly can't bear being away from me. SHE'S usually the one messaging first. SHE'S the one who will randomly start sending me photos of her in her underwear. It just makes no sense.

She says she feels uncomfortable whenever things get to that point because she thinks we've become too close as friends for anything to happen. It sucks, because I'm crazy about her and would love for things to happen. She is incredibly beautiful, which is hard, because every guy on the planet is trying to get with her. She seems to have really gone cold on me this time. She has actually gone to a doctor about 'mood swing issues' she told me. Something about a hormonal imbalance. She said she feels like being all affectionate one minute and then hates it the next.

We still talk every day, we talk on the phone for hours, see each other all the time, tell each other EVERYTHING. I just feel like there's clearly something here and have we this blatantly obvious attraction towards each other, but it's just been so hard, when she goes cold, she really goes cold, makes me feel like she never even liked me. It's gotten me really down. I've thought this before, but I don't think she's going to give us another chance... I NEED A GAME CHANGER. What can I do?

 

[manipulator]

You have oneitis, which means that she has become your entire world while you do not mean anything to her romantically. It's really, really bad for you and speaking from experience here, can stop you dead in your tracks from making any real progress in your life at all. It happens to everyone.

The answer you are looking for will not help you.

The answer that will help you is, that she will never be interested and you are experiencing the way manipulative women treat men who are easy to manipulate. She will never admit this, because that's not how women communicate. Peoples' behavior always speaks louder than words, and this is triply true for women.

The cure to oneitis is very hard at first but always effective: delete all her contact info, and move on with your life. A lot of guys find creating something very healing, like putting effort into a business or bodybuilding or something bigger, a project outside of themselves that has nothing to do with women.

Welcome to the beginning of your journey

Wow.. Reading that was like a punch in the face.

I had always suspected I had oneitis.

I seriously hate that the only answer here is to cut her off. She has told me so much about herself, things she hasn't told anyone else and she's going through such a tough time now and I'm supposed to cut her off? I'd be an asshole.

The worst part is that you're right. She's become everything to me. All I can think of.

Ehh this is so fucked up.

 

[Ezio]

I think that you are merely a victim of manipulation. You are being manipulated by her and also by your feelings.

Trust me, because i have been a victim of manipulation in the past as well. I was experiencing the same things you are saying now. I loved that girl...only to find out later that she has been fucking with 100 other guys while she has been playing hot and cold with me.(I bet that is what your going to find too)

But, now, i'm over it. And what did i do? - I simply had to move on. I did the things that Drexel suggested you above and i got over it.

I realized that i was building the building of my live with her as the center of it. So, with her gone, that building would collapse - so that is why for a long time, i couldn't move on. But, here is the thing- that building must COLLAPSE! - in order for you to build a new one, one that is built only around yourself and yourself as the center of it. It is gonna be hard the first days when you decide to destroy it and move on with the things and leaving her behind, but believe me, because i have been there, you will find it is worth it.

...for your information, this girl i loved was a mother of beauty, but after ceasing contact with her i found out that there are more beautiful girls than her and who are good persons and not manipulative.

So, my final thoughts are that she is a manipulative person and you should move on as soon as possible. All the words she is telling about her disease, there are high chances that it is a lie.
She is telling you things she has never told somebody else? ... Oh that is a lie too. She is going through a tough time? Does she care that you are going through even a tougher time because of her? - No, she doesn't. Why should you care when she doesn't? You wouldn't be an asshole, you would just be a MAN willing to cut the bullshit others throw to you and move on with grace.

- After this, you MUST read this article, it is gonna clarify things to you better than I, and i'm sure it will help you a lot: https://www.girlschase.com/content/cant- ... more-girls


I hope i helped,

Ezio

 

[manipulator]

I think that you are merely a victim of manipulation. You are being manipulated by her and also by your feelings.

Trust me, because i have been a victim of manipulation in the past as well. I was experiencing the same things you are saying now. I loved that girl...only to find out later that she has been fucking with 100 other guys while she has been playing hot and cold with me.(I bet that is what your going to find too)

But, now, i'm over it. And what did i do? - I simply had to move on. I did the things that Drexel suggested you above and i got over it.

I realized that i was building the building of my live with her as the center of it. So, with her gone, that building would collapse - so that is why for a long time, i couldn't move on. But, here is the thing- that building must COLLAPSE! - in order for you to build a new one, one that is built only around yourself and yourself as the center of it. It is gonna be hard the first days when you decide to destroy it and move on with the things and leaving her behind, but believe me, because i have been there, you will find it is worth it.

...for your information, this girl i loved was a mother of beauty, but after ceasing contact with her i found out that there are more beautiful girls than her and who are good persons and not manipulative.

So, my final thoughts are that she is a manipulative person and you should move on as soon as possible. All the words she is telling about her disease, there are high chances that it is a lie.
She is telling you things she has never told somebody else? ... Oh that is a lie too. She is going through a tough time? Does she care that you are going through even a tougher time because of her? - No, she doesn't. Why should you care when she doesn't? You wouldn't be an asshole, you would just be a MAN willing to cut the bullshit others throw to you and move on with grace.

- After this, you MUST read this article, it is gonna clarify things to you better than I, and i'm sure it will help you a lot: https://www.girlschase.com/content/cant- ... more-girls


I hope i helped,

Ezio

Hey Ezio,

I agree that she has been manipulative in a lot of ways, yes, even if she hasn't done it intentionally.

I'm sorry that you went through that, but that is not what is going on in my situation. Throughout all of this we have become extremely close friends and we have been very honest with each other. She hasn't fucked anyone since her and hey boyfriend split and I know that. We've spoken about it very openly and honestly about this. She actually stated that she would be hurt if I got with anyone else. She told me that the idea of having sex with anyone right now is just disgusting to her. She's truly just completely put off guys at the moment. And I know what you're thinking, "She's just saying that because she doesn't like you." No, she genuinely does not want a relationship with anyone, for a very long time. I've spoken to her, her best friends, she wants to focus on herself, and that's fine.

As for telling me things she's never told anyone, yes. I don't think people open up about how they were molested at a young age very often. It's easy to just look at this girl as some lying piece of shit, but that's not the way this was. I'm not going to be bitter.

All that aside, I called her last night and cut ties. Unfollowed on facebook, instagram, snapchat. It had to be done. I can't move on with thing how they were and I'm afraid this was the only way. It's a shame because we did become VERY close. But I need to look out for myself. It's time to move forward.

 

[manipulator]

Good.

She isn't your friend, and she hasn't been honest with you.

What will happen next is that, after a day or two or three, she will start to bombard you with text messages trying to bring you back into her ORBIT.

She knows what buttons to press to make you dance.

Fight the urge, as she will use every emotional weapon at her disposal. Guilt, shaming, appeals to friendship and emotional connections, all that jazz.

It takes an average of 7 tries to get out of an abusive relationship, which is what you are incorrectly interpreting as "a good friendship."

Sorry to burst your bubble, but not really, because you need to know what this is all about if you want to heal from it so that it will never happen to you again.

Also, read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. The wisdom contained therein will explain to you why you are in this situation to begin with.

Stay on the path.

She was my friend. She hasn't been entirely honest, no.

Been there, done that. Like I said this isn't the first time I've tried to get away. I won't be falling for any of that again. Her 'orbit,' I like that.

Looking back on it, yes it was an unhealthy friendship. BUT I had some of the best times of my life with her. I've never laughed so much or had so much fun with anyone. I'm not going to look back on this as some horrible abusing friendship as you're putting it. That's wrong. We had some amazing times and I wouldn't change a thing, I've learnt from it, and know what to look out for last time. I had a ton of fun. I do know that as a whole It isn't doing me any good, because she doesn't see me in a romantic way, she did try to, but we aren't right for each other. THAT is why I'm cutting ties. She's not perfect, she handled things worse than she could have, she was vulnerable and in need of comfort. But she always cared for me, always helped me when I needed it and taught me a lot about happiness and what that means. It's easy to look back on failed relationships and be bitter, but I'm not going to do that.

This is what she told me, and I think this is very honest, "At first, I was using you for comfort. I admit that, I didn't even notice myself doing it, but you were always there and never complained. That was wrong and I know it. I always told you I didn't want a relationship, I told you so many times that I was not even close to being ready for anything with anyone. But there truly were times where I thought I did want something with you, but every time we started fooling around or whatever I just felt uncomfortable because I see you more as a friend. I'm also just not ready for any kind of sexual relationship at this stage."

I will have a look at the book.

I will stay on this path.

Thanks for your opinion and advice

 

[ray_zorse]

I'm a bit late jumping in here, +1 DrexelScott, just thought I would mention FWIW... "whenever I ask for space she xxx"... waa a total red flag for me, you don't ASK you TELL and triply so when it's an issue of your personal boundary. So what you should have done is when you felt you needed space just don't respond for 10 days or so, mind you I think you should get your head around some terminology, translate "I need space" to "she committed a soft NEXTable offence". The first way makes it sound like you are the bad guy which you aren't, you gave her like 5-6 chances with you, which was generous.
Ray

 

[Jaimie Richards]

Hey Manipulator,

I've been in a similar situation to yours. In that occurrence I found reading these articles helpful in the healing process (in addition to what was mentioned before):

https://www.girlschase.com/content/understanding-love-how-it-works-romance-and-relationships => it helps you understand your feelings.
https://www.girlschase.com/content/purpose-life-practical-point-view => it helps you to change perspective.

Take care,
J.

 

[manipulator]

Hey Ray,

Sorry I was vague, but I actually did demand space, it wasn't a request. The only problem was she managed to suck me back in every time by giving me hope for a relationship. Not happening again.

Hi Jamie,

That was actually a good read. Very relevant. I think I'll be fine. It feel so stupid, but I feel like I'm going through breakup even though we were never in an actual relationship. She messaged me on facebook last night (So I assume she must have deleted my number, which is good I guess) asking for some of her stuff back. I'll just drop it off when she isn't there.

Thanks all

 

[Sub-Zero]

Hey Ray,

Sorry I was vague, but I actually did demand space, it wasn't a request. The only problem was she managed to suck me back in every time by giving me hope for a relationship. Not happening again.

Hi Jamie,

That was actually a good read. Very relevant. I think I'll be fine. It feel so stupid, but I feel like I'm going through breakup even though we were never in an actual relationship. She messaged me on facebook last night (So I assume she must have deleted my number, which is good I guess) asking for some of her stuff back. I'll just drop it off when she isn't there.

Thanks all

Yeah man just cut her off, learn from this so it can never happen again. These girls are cold.

 

[killerman]

Yeah it's a tough one, the way they go from hot to cold, and you always wonder why. Had an experience a couple months back with a girl i met at a club. met her just after i got out the toilets and got chatting and in no time was kissing, i then said I had to go and she said she'd see me on the dance floor. she then walked past me 10, 15 mins later but didnt say anything and outside was very cold with me and refused to talk. any ideas why?

 

[manipulator]

Man, she has not taken this well at all.

It really was a bad time for me to do this, because of how much she was struggling at the moment, but I couldn't do it a second later.
She started messaging me on facebook and effectively made me feel like the worst person on the planet for abandoning her.
"You have thrown away such a special and rare friendship." - This is true, we truly did have a very unique connection.
"You and my ex should hang out and write songs about how fun it is to hurt me, you have so much in common."
"After everything I've told you, so many personal things, and you're casting me out." - Yep, true.
"You were one of the only people I felt comfortable talking to about everything."

So yeah. I feel like shit right now to say the least. But I'm sticking by my decision. I hope she cools down a bit.

 

[Franco]

manipulator,

"You have thrown away such a special and rare friendship." - This is true, we truly did have a very unique connection.

True. But the important word here is "friendship." You provided her an insane amount of value as a friend, so she feels like you're abandoning this aspect of the relationship between you two, which you are. She is not wrong here, but the title of your post was "I need to get this girl" which means you don't value her as a "friend" and instead want something more. Since you can't get that, you are settling for giving her the value that she desires without getting the value that you desire.

This is important to understand. She has a right to be upset because you're providing her value in an area that she values, but you were doing it with the hope of getting something you value. In a sense, you were "hiding the banana" with her, and now this is the backlash from her realizing that this was the case.

"You and my ex should hang out and write songs about how fun it is to hurt me, you have so much in common."

She's just whining about the situation. She'll get over it as soon as she meets the next guy. Don't stress.

"After everything I've told you, so many personal things, and you're casting me out." - Yep, true.

Yeah, you are. But you're doing this for you, not for her. I think you've learned your lesson here (hopefully) that you should not provide this much "friend" value to a woman if you're wanting something more. When the day came that you realized you aren't getting what you want, she felt betrayed because she felt like the friendship is what you were offering -- not something more.

"You were one of the only people I felt comfortable talking to about everything."

Nah. She likely has at least one female friend who knows every detail that you do (and possibly more). And even if she didn't, as soon as you walk away, she'll find one (possibly another male who will end up in your situation) to tell all of it to. This is nothing to worry about.

Just take away the lessons from this situation and learn to move quickly with women when they are available. Show direct interest and make it clear by your actions that you're only interested in one thing (romance/sex/relationships) with them. If they try to put you in the friendzone/boyfriendzone, then you need to pull away.

Hope this helps!

- Franco

 

[Flames]

What Franco said...

I'll add one thing though and that is she does want a relationship, just not a sexual one and there's nothing wrong with that. It's just that it's not what you want too.

Simply put you have conflicting needs and desires.

Manipulation sounds worse than it is everyone manipulates everyone else in some shape or form otherwise nobody would get anything done.

 

[manipulator]

Franco, really appreciate the thoughtful reply man.

Thanks for helping me clarify some of those things. I feel like my heads been pretty cloudy through all of this and I often struggle to make any sense of it all. I'm utterly shocked at how much of a hold this girl has on me.

which means you don't value her as a "friend" and instead want something more.

Hmm. I do wish that was the case. The thing is I valued her as a friend too. We had an amazing bond and I am truly missing it.

Everything else you said however I agree with. They are all things that I know already, but it's good to here it from an outside point of view.

Hey Flames,

Yeah, conflicting needs and desires sums it up perfectly I think. I do agree that manipulation seems like a strong way to put it. (Wierd that it's my user name, It was just the name of the song I was listening too haha.)

To me it's just a shame things had to end on such bad terms. I feel like she hates me now. I wish she could have understood my perspective a little better. It's ended with us deleting each other off everything possible. I know that for me this is probably for the best, but for someone who you have shared so much with, so intensely, to suddenly disappear completely from your life... It just feels like such a loss.

I think a big part of getting over this which I'm struggling with, is that I feel like I can never do better than this girl. We were essentially the same person in so many ways, she was an 11/10. Absolute model material with an ass that made me want to cry. I'm grateful for every second I got to spoon her. haha! Although they were far and few between, I'm grateful for the small amount of sexual encounters I did get to have with her - It's better than nothing.

Oh well. I had a date last Thursday and I have another one on Saturday, so I guess I'm on the right track