FU Identifying between LMR and disinterest

[NinthSanguine]

So I've been "dating' this girl since the week before thanksgiving, M. I kissed her on the date but I haven't made a move to escalate past that until today, which it failed. I didn't find this site until January when I thought we weren't going to work out the first time (She flaked on me and started regressing), but I talked to her friends and they seemed to think that she was really interested in me, so I gave it another shot.

I know I moved glacially slow, I was her first kiss so I thought I had the luxury of taking it slow, having her first time be on Valentine's day.

M was in my room, on my bed, I was kissing her, but was more into it than she was. I pulled back and said:
me-"You know, I think you like kissing me."
her-"Yea, a little bit."
She said this in an odd way however so I responded with:
me-"You seem a little off, why don't you tell me whats up?"
her-"Oh, I'm just tired, it's been a sad day."
me-"Well it's still early in the evening, I think I can cheer you up."
There was a pause here, and I know I needed to do something, I decided to use the power of suggestion.
me-"I think you'd like a little bit more than kissing..."
As soon as I say this I see her arms tighten around herself, and I think to myself "If It was possible to reverse this, I do NOT have the experience to do so."
me-"Or maybe not, you can go."
me -"I know that sounds harsh, but what I mean to say is that if you don't want to be here I don't want you to be here."
Her body twitches, so I know she wants to leave, she just doesn't want to hurt me, so I tell her her friend is waiting and then she moves. She makes some conversation on the way out asking about my favorite song to the band playing and I play it, she lingers, but left.

I was really hoping this would work out, but knew that the odds were against me. What would you have done in my position?

I also know that this is also a result of abysmal frame control, what are some exercises I can use to build this up?

 

[HellAtlantic]

There's also another option - nervousness. Maybe you aren't making her feel comfortable enough.

 

[NinthSanguine]

Forgot to mention that she also said something along the lines of "I'm not ready yet, maybe sometime in the future." To which I replied "It's been a couple of months, if you're not comfortable with it by now, you won't be comfortable with it ever."

How would I tell in the future, because i'm pretty sure I thoroughly burned this bridge.

 

[PrettyDecent]

NinthSanguine,

I don't think your problem was frame control - I think it was the way you were framing her behavior and then, at the end, being too forward. The fact you were her first ever kiss (right?) and the precedent of being slow also made it more challenging for you.

me-"You know, I think you like kissing me."
her-"Yea, a little bit."

When you say something like, "I know you like me" in that forward a fashion, there's a knee jerk rebellious reaction for the other person to challenge you and 'bring you back to reality'. This'll cause resistance on her end.

It's sort of like when someone is really humble and says, "no, it wasn't actually me; Joe did something amazing to tie the whole thing together" - the fact you don't take credit for the success makes people walk away thinking, "wow, NinthSanguine is a pretty cool dude" and they'll find ways to help or hang around you in the future.

Well, the opposite applies too - if you explicitly say, "I did
X really good thing", or, "I'm amazing at this", people will walk away thinking, "that guys kind of a dick" and they'll want to rebel against you. I know it's tempting to say this kind of stuff at a low moment, but fight the urge. Generally, her emotions will pick up on her own, and then she'll become more passionate and respondent. If you're going to talk during the escalation, say it at these moments instead.

Also, because she's so inexperienced and uncomfortable, the right move would've been to compliment her with something like, "God, I love the way you kiss me", or, "You taste really nice".

me-"You seem a little off, why don't you tell me whats up?"
her-"Oh, I'm just tired, it's been a sad day."

Now you cemented her emotion in a low moment. So even if she wasn't feeling off before, she definitely is now.

There was a pause here, and I know I needed to do something, I decided to use the power of suggestion.
me-"I think you'd like a little bit more than kissing..."
As soon as I say this I see her arms tighten around herself, and I think to myself "If It was possible to reverse this, I do NOT have the experience to do so."

Exactly. It's too explicit, and not exciting or intriguing enough.

I think if you just kept escalating without talking at all, you might've gotten laid. You created your own resistance (which is not so bad once you think about it; you did what sounds right before the escalation!)

Anyway, I hope that was helpful! Let me know if you need me to clarify anything.

~Nick

 

[NinthSanguine]

Thanks PrettyDecent! That was a very helpful and informative post. I'll keep these things in mind for future girls. I definitely waited too long to escalate, I should've done it while she was sleeping over, we were about to go to sleep, and she asked to kiss me.