If a girl youre vetting for an LTR sleeps with someone else?

[moom]

Lets say you’ve hooked up with a girl for a few weeks and she seems like someone you’d like to potentially get into a relationship with.

You’ve already had sex with her and you’ve had sex with each other the first night you met + have been hooking up for 3-4 weeks.

Now you’re both not exclusive and she has a one night stand with someone else.

Do you:
1) Break things off?
2) Stop vetting her for an LTR and just have fun till it ends?
3) Not care because it’s not exclusive officially and continue vetting her for an LTR anyways while also sleeping with a few girls on the side yourself?


EDIT:
This is the ACTUAL case of whats happened to me, last one was a hypothetical.

Met girl in beginning of december, we hooked up for a week. I left out of town for two weeks and we didn’t speak the entire time. I came back, and we got together a few days before New Years. She hooked up with someone New Years night, ONS. At this point; neither of us were moving towards an LTR.

Only thing is, I never knew until yesterday. When I had asked her if she had been with anyone else since we were talking (i asked her this about 1.5 months back pre-relationship); she lied and told me no one else. The same question came up yesterday and she admitted there was a guy on New Years.

We’ve now been in a relationship for a few weeks, its mid april. That was the one time she had sex with someone else during us talking. We got official late March.

What do you do now?

 

[TomInHo]

That's entirely dependent on what your goals for the LTR are?

a) If you just want a companion and sex then it means nothing really.

b) But if you're looking for a woman that has lower odds of straying in a relationship, then I guess that can disqualify her from anything super serious because history will always repeat itself

But IMO, I stopped giving a damn about a woman's fidelity. Babysitting another adult gets tiring after a while, and now I think it's smarter to focus on how she treats you within the relationship and not what she does with her pussy in her free time.... but that's me and I know a lot of men can't handle that train of thought

 

[Fluxcapacitor]

@moom dude! If you were on the path to a relationship and she knows it you break it off or you relegate her immediately. You can still have fun but in my opinion she's no longer an LTR candidate she's an FB or FWB.

If you accept this behaviour and end up in a relationship with her you've just rewarded her bad behaviour and told her this is acceptable. Her behaviour speaks for itself and this will repeat.

Like @TomInHo I'm not babysitting these girls, I set my boundaries and they know how to behave and I'll treat them accordingly to their behaviour. Unlike TomInHo I care about their fidelity, I expect them to be loyal and if they're not they're out. This depends on you and your boundaries. If you feel highly disrespected don't tolerate it, if you're unbothered that's cool keep her in rotation but it's pointless vetting her for LTR now in my opinion. I don't do damaged goods :')

 

[Will_V]

Personally I would not go for an LTR with a girl who slept with someone while sleeping with me, even if there was no talk about exclusivity. If she isn't at least excited enough about our prospects, and smart enough about men, to think twice about screwing someone else then she's not the girl for me.

As much as there is the notion these days that you can just choose whatever you want, in my experience a girl that is in love (and she should be at least somewhat in love if she's getting my cock!) is pretty focused on you, thinking about you, and daydreaming about you. Women don't really choose, they just know when the time is right, and either she's not feeling that way or she's ignoring it, and I'm not sure which one is worse.

 

[West_Indian_Archie]

Lets say you’ve hooked up with a girl for a few weeks and she seems like someone you’d like to potentially get into a relationship with.

You’ve already had sex with her and you’ve had sex with each other the first night you met + have been hooking up for 3-4 weeks.

Now you’re both not exclusive and she has a one night stand with someone else.

Do you:
1) Break things off?
2) Stop vetting her for an LTR and just have fun till it ends?
3) Not care because it’s not exclusive officially and continue vetting her for an LTR anyways while also sleeping with a few girls on the side yourself?

Without question, you need to break things off.

The vetting you're using is basically that the girl needs to give up all other dick for you naturally. You don't need to tell her, she just needs to do it, and do it of her own accord. Without telling you. (and if a chick is in love, that's what they usually do)

You don't need to show her any type of Boyfriend treatment or commitment - she should just know. Part of her sexual strategy to get you in her life, should be her chastity towards all others.

But she failed your secret test.

Get rid of her, no explanation, block and delete. And don't look back.

Women have a million secret tests, and have ZERO problems dropping you because you don't like Monica's hair in that one episode of Friends, or she felt icky one day and didn't tell you and you didn't pick up on it. (you're such a jerk btw!)

The only reason you're hesitating is probably because you don't have enough women of her caliber in your pipeline. Fix that, and never worry about this again.

Moreover, a chick should be actively trying to bring you into an LTR, not the other way around.

WIA

 

[moom]

@TomInHo @Fluxcapacitor @Will_V @West_Indian_Archie

I appreciate all of your answers and the answers generally seem to be the same, to not move forward.

About to lay some new information here on you guys now. This is the ACTUAL case of whats happened, last one was a hypothetical.

Met girl in beginning of december, we hooked up for a week. I left out of town for two weeks and we didn’t speak the entire time. I came back, and we got together a few days before New Years. She hooked up with someone New Years night, ONS. At this point; neither of us were moving towards an LTR.

Only thing is, I never knew until yesterday. When I had asked her if she had been with anyone else since we were talking (i asked her this about 1.5 months back pre-relationship); she lied and told me no one else. The same question came up yesterday and she admitted there was a guy on New Years.

We’ve now been in a relationship for a few weeks, its mid april. That was the one time she had sex with someone else during us talking. We got official late March.

What do you do now?

 

[Alpha13SC]

Is this the same girl you were talking about in the last posts?

 

[moom]

Is this the same girl you were talking about in the last posts?

Sam girl in the vaginal orgasm post and “second chances or nah” post

 

[Will_V]

@TomInHo @Fluxcapacitor @Will_V @West_Indian_Archie

I appreciate all of your answers and the answers generally seem to be the same, to not move forward.

About to lay some new information here on you guys now. This is the ACTUAL case of whats happened, last one was a hypothetical.

Met girl in beginning of december, we hooked up for a week. I left out of town for two weeks and we didn’t speak the entire time. I came back, and we got together a few days before New Years. She hooked up with someone New Years night, ONS. At this point; neither of us were moving towards an LTR.

Only thing is, I never knew until yesterday. When I had asked her if she had been with anyone else since we were talking about 2 months ago; she lied and told me no one else.

We’ve now been in a relationship for a few weeks, its mid april. That was the one time she had sex with someone else during us talking. We got official late March.

What do you do now?

A lie about sleeping with someone else is not good news. Gotta decide where your boundaries are.

 

[moom]

A lie about sleeping with someone else is not good news. Gotta decide where your boundaries are.

I agree- she did tell me that she slept with this guy in drunken stupor and regretted it before we got in a relationship. She lied about when it happened though- Said it was before we started fucking, but yesterday admitted it was New Years.

Does it make a difference to me? Not really, she still lied, but hence why I’m consulting our lovely community here for some new perspectives

 

[Fluxcapacitor]

@moom dude! Why are you asking her this now? If this is something that you'd consider a deal breaker why bring it up after you're official and not before? You're meant to screen girls out before promoting them dude. It also seems very insecure or something to bring it up without something to prompt it and if you've been prompted you should have a foot out the door anyway.

You were back on the scene before new year, she should be looking to show you her worth and be loyal to you. I'm with @Will_V that she should be hooked on you. This isn't LTR material in my opinion and I would second @West_Indian_Archie to break it off.

She's now also lied to you, not that I'd forgive her for being honest upfront but this is a double strike. She's not trust worthy

 

[Will_V]

I agree- she did tell me that she slept with this guy in drunken stupor and regretted it before we got in a relationship. She lied about when it happened though- Said it was before we started fucking, but yesterday admitted it was New Years.

Does it make a difference to me? Not really, she still lied, but hence why I’m consulting our lovely community here for some new perspectives

No one can make the decision for you, but consider this: what can a woman do worse than sleeping with someone else and lying about it? She's got one job which is to stick to you and not let go.

Think about a time when you were at your best and had loads of options, and imagine telling that person what you're saying now, what do you think they'd say?

 

[moom]

@moom dude! Why are you asking her this now? If this is something that you'd consider a deal breaker why bring it up after you're official and not before? You're meant to screen girls out before promoting them dude. It also seems very insecure or something to bring it up without something to prompt it and if you've been prompted you should have a foot out the door anyway.

You were back on the scene before new year, she should be looking to show you her worth and be loyal to you. I'm with @Will_V that she should be hooked on you. This isn't LTR material in my opinion and I would second @West_Indian_Archie to break it off.

She's now also lied to you, not that I'd forgive her for being honest upfront but this is a double strike. She's not trust worthy

@West_Indian_Archie

I had bought it up before during the vetting process for the relationship- she just lied to me and told me that she hadn’t slept with anyone.

Yesterday, the conversation came up again, instigated by casual sex talk and past lovers (no insecurity involved), and thats when she admitted the last guy had actually been during New Years.

I agree with the rest of everything you said.

 

[POB]

Ask yourself these questions:
- is sex that good?
If yes, she is a FB, if not let her go;
- is she someone that is great in bed and I can fully trust?
If yes, consider upgrading to MLTR, if not keep as FB or let her go;
- is she someone that is great in bed and I can fully trust and I see myself having a long-term future with?
If yes, consider upgrading to high-end MLTR and evaluate for future OLTR, if not keep as MLTR...if she messes up downgrade to FB or let her go

Once you answer those question (with complete honesty), It's not that hard to figure out what to do.

 

[West_Indian_Archie]

@West_Indian_Archie

I had bought it up before during the vetting process for the relationship- she just lied to me and told me that she hadn’t slept with anyone.

Yesterday, the conversation came up again, instigated by casual sex talk and past lovers (no insecurity involved), and thats when she admitted the last guy had actually been during New Years.

I agree with the rest of everything you said.

You might not be built for this seduction thing. It's okay, not everyone is.
Lord knows it took me YEARS to become a man that can enforce boundaries and be decisive.

You had a secret rule.
Upon asking her about the conduct in question, she did the thing and then lied to you about it.

Nothing more to be said.

I know you don't want to do break up with her.

But you're not gonna get permission from me to stay in this relationship that you're not comfortable with.

WIA

 

[Vision]

She... belongs... to... the... streets!

 

[topcat]

To me, lying is the red flag. Somewhat forgivable given she was putting her best foot forward and managing her perception. Bad because your nonjudgmental frame was lacking hence her feeling the need to lie to you in the first place. A relationship built on awkwardly established false pretence.

The sex part, meh, you weren’t exclusive anyway.. 3/4 weeks of dating ain’t long..

IMO your system for screening has holes in it, and you’ll need to establish one first before you can determine suitability for exclusivity or lack thereof.

My system - nonjudgmental frames from the onset. Don’t ask don’t tell.. just observe. what’s her compliance like? what are her friends like? what does she do in her spare time? what’s her personality like? just take mental (even physical) notes. and enjoy her body..

Escalate the relationship or dial it back based on your findings. And hopefully she’ll bring up exclusivity at some point. Then you’ll be at liberty to establish terms and negotiate sexual loyalty as a requirement for your increased investment.

Obviously if she failed the earlier criteria you just refuse her exclusivity…

Ideally we want to get to a point where girls are begging for us to take their exclusivity and not us looking to make them so..

 

[moom]

To me, lying is the red flag. Somewhat forgivable given she was putting her best foot forward and managing her perception. Bad because your nonjudgmental frame was lacking hence her feeling the need to lie to you in the first place. A relationship built on awkwardly established false pretence.

The sex part, meh, you weren’t exclusive anyway.. 3/4 weeks of dating ain’t long..

IMO your system for screening has holes in it, and you’ll need to establish one first before you can determine suitability for exclusivity or lack thereof.

My system - nonjudgmental frames from the onset. Don’t ask don’t tell.. just observe. what’s her compliance like? what are her friends like? what does she do in her spare time? what’s her personality like? just take mental (even physical) notes. and enjoy her body..

Escalate the relationship or dial it back based on your findings. And hopefully she’ll bring up exclusivity at some point. Then you’ll be at liberty to establish terms and negotiate sexual loyalty as a requirement for your increased investment.

Obviously if she failed the earlier criteria you just refuse her exclusivity…

Ideally we want to get to a point where girls are begging for us to take their exclusivity and not us looking to make them so..

@topcat I agree with this one the most, but I also don't want my bias of being invested into this relationship to be the reason that I hang on to your answer more than any others.

Everyone else is valid in what they're saying and I feel hoodwinked just finding out about this now. I know I wouldve cut the chord much sooner and when I was much less invested if I found out then that she slept with someone on New Years.

Lying of course is a red flag but I set a boundary in the relationship to not lie about shit- and since we've been exclusive she's told nothing but the truth, even with the hard things. My nonjudgemental frame isn't steel but I know for a fact it's much better than most since she's been super open about everything since we got exclusive. She told me this since I asked, but I wouldn't expect her to just mention it out of the blue. Lying also early on was obviously done out of fear from her part since she was afraid she'd lose me if she told me she drunkenly slept with someone way early in the stages of us talking and felt regret about it. Not defending her choice here, she wasn't raped and clearly wanted dick while she was drunk, even if she regretted it after.

My question to you @topcat is why the sex part doesn't bother you. I see it rationally and of course at that point she didn't even know the relationship would lead anywhere and had also known I was sleeping with other girls. She considered me a player (I had even tried making out with her friend like 2 weeks prior to that incident).

In regard to your relationship comment, thats EXACTLY how I ran this relationship. I didn't bring up commitment even once, and then she pushed for it after 3 months (end of March). In a way where she was almost afraid that if she kept pushing for it, she would lose me. I told her to give me time to think and the week after we made it official when I had maximum leverage and laid my boundaries down quite clearly. Since then, she's been in line with them and the ones she tried to push she fell back in line real quick.

I guess what I was most annoyed by was that she slept with someone early on in our fwb stages (probably after we had hooked up only 3 times) and never did again after that. It may be an ego thing that I wanted to be the only one she had sex with the entire way through even though I hooked up with 4 different girls since I met her. I also wanted to ask this community what their thoughts were on whether it was my ego getting in the way or I was justified in considering breaking up.

 

[moom]

Thank you for your answers @POB @Vision @Fluxcapacitor @Will_V @West_Indian_Archie

Always much appreciated and I'll take them all into consideration as I make a choice here

 

[Fuck This]

At a certain point, you don't ask questions you might not like the answers to. In this case knowing only makes it worse. The actual act of sleeping with someone else while you two were not exclusive in itself is not the death knell of an LTR. However the lying about it is.

The woman in my life said something to me that I thought was a good "Line in the Sand".

Don't Lie
Don't Cheat
Don't Steal

I don't think you have a strong foundation for an LTR with this one. Your approach to sex is too damn analytical, anyway... When you do find a REAL LTR prospect, you won't say anything about her here because you won't want to screw it up ...trust me..

May you never steal, lie or cheat. But if you must steal, then steal away my sorrows. And if you must lie, lie with me all the nights of my life. And if you must cheat, then please cheat death, because I couldn't live a day without you.