If GF ever admits she cheated but you want to keep her around, what should you say?

[DocumentationTreasury]

I do not really see a downside to saying you want to still be with her. Keeps options open, no?

Does it look weak/pathetic to just say "I'm disappointed. But I still want to be with you"

But what are some better options for what to say?

 

[topcat]

Does it look weak/pathetic to just say "I'm disappointed. But I still want to be with you"

yes.

Keeps options open, no?

correct. It keeps HER options open..

 

[Will_V]

I do not really see a downside to saying you want to still be with her. Keeps options open, no?

Does it look weak/pathetic to just say "I'm disappointed. But I still want to be with you"

But what are some better options for what to say?

You're looking at it from the perspective of a guy wanting to be practical about having sexual options.

This is completely different from her perspective, which is "look at that I fucked some random guy and this guy just takes it like a b****".

This is a failure of frame control at best. When you determine how to react to a girl's behaviour, it must always be in terms of her reality, because it is her behaviour you are trying to change. Her respect for you does not care about your convenience. The result will be that you lose both your convenience and her respect to someone who is able to keep both.

The reality is that sexual access is a woman's highest value, and she gave it to someone else while she was with you. Personally, I can't think of anything else that is a worse offence for a woman in a relationship. What's more a woman knows this, which means she wouldn't have done it unless all her respect for you was already completely gone. And if you keep her around, she will know that she can do the worst thing and get away with it.

In other words, find a new girlfriend.

 

[trashKENNUT]

Take her back.

At least on paper. Then fuck other girls

It's nothing personal.
We live in a disingenuous society
Anything goes.

Manipulation is everything. Everything

z@c+

 

[Chase]

I would just say... we do not really have any context on the relationship here.

Is this a one-month old open-ish relationship and you're just like "whatever, I didn't view it that seriously myself yet either"?

Is it a three-year-old fully monogamous relationship where you went through a rough-patch, then reconciled, and she took in some fresh cock in the interim?

Is it a five-year marriage where things have never really gotten all that rocky but one steamy night at the office she took Coworker John into her cubicle and made illicit after-hours love?

It is pretty hard to judge how large a breach of trust this was or not without context on the relationship. You seem pretty chill about it, so maybe not that big of one?

If it was a serious, long-term monogamous relationship, with no breaks or anything like that, and you were both being faithful, then it's a big breach of trust, and you look bad / lose a bunch of respect letting it pass.

If it's casual, or on-again-off-again, or something else, that's a different story.

Chase

 

[DarkKnight]

I agree with @topcat. Also you instinctively know that it is pathetic to keep her, otherwise you wouldn't ask this question.

Next her, save that amount of pride so you can carry yourself strong into the next woman instead of getting into a drowning pit with the wrong woman for the wrong reasons. You are at the crossroads.


Also.. I believe women test you beforehand on how you will react if this will ever occur. Not everything happens suddenly out of the blue. Unless we are talking real crazy circumstances, crazy girls.

 

[Will_V]

I would just say... we do not really have any context on the relationship here.

Is this a one-month old open-ish relationship and you're just like "whatever, I didn't view it that seriously myself yet either"?

Is it a three-year-old fully monogamous relationship where you went through a rough-patch, then reconciled, and she took in some fresh cock in the interim?

Is it a five-year marriage where things have never really gotten all that rocky but one steamy night at the office she took Coworker John into her cubicle and made illicit after-hours love?

It is pretty hard to judge how large a breach of trust this was or not without context on the relationship. You seem pretty chill about it, so maybe not that big of one?

If it was a serious, long-term monogamous relationship, with no breaks or anything like that, and you were both being faithful, then it's a big breach of trust, and you look bad / lose a bunch of respect letting it pass.

If it's casual, or on-again-off-again, or something else, that's a different story.

Chase

Fair point, but anyone I would call a girlfriend does not get to cheat, ever.

Also 'cheating' and 'admitting' already implies a breach of trust.

Other guys might be cool with a bit of a mess, but loyalty is very important to me, and I think it's a value that is built into sexual dynamics much deeper than personal preference.

 

[Rakehell]

Ive been cheated on one time in my life.

It was with a girl who’d cheated on her boyfriend with me (yeah I know lesson learned). But in my defense she’d been fed up with the guy.

Anyways she was a big partier (another lesson learned) and ended up getting “really drunk” and slept with some guy.

Of course she didn’t admit this openly I had to find out about it.

I told her it was over immediately completely zen and calm about it, she was lost for words. This ended with her chasing after me to take her back.

If I’d wanted to theoretically I probably could have willed her into an open relationship type ordeal where she wasn’t allowed to sleep with other people and I was but I didn’t want that.

Do with that story what you will.

 

[DarkKnight]

I told her it was over immediately completely zen and calm about it, she was lost for words.

Good. And the chasing is typical . You showed some true strength.

 

[Rakehell]

I kind of went off on a tangent but my point being if you hypothetically did take her back make sure it’s on your terms.

 

[DocumentationTreasury]

" Is it a three-year-old fully monogamous relationship where you went through a rough-patch, then reconciled, and she took in some fresh cock in the interim?"

Yes.

It is not good to let it pass. But what are good ways to "not let it pass"?

Guy: "You fucked up! Time to get spanked as punishment!"
Girl: ...

 

[topcat]

It is not good to let it pass. But what are good ways to "not let it pass"?

Guy: “good. bye.”

 

[Rakehell]

I mean firstly she has to feel bad about it. I’m not judging you for wanting to do so but doing it to keep your options open isn’t really keeping them open at all.

It’d be moreso codependent intimacy. How does she feel about the situation? It’s impossible to have any leverage if she doesn’t care that it happened.

In our eyes she fucked up but does she think she fucked up?

If she doesn’t care you have to make her care by showing you don’t mind getting out of there.

 

[happynanako]

She will cheat again

 

[Chase]

" Is it a three-year-old fully monogamous relationship where you went through a rough-patch, then reconciled, and she took in some fresh cock in the interim?"

Yes.

It is not good to let it pass. But what are good ways to "not let it pass"?

Guy: "You fucked up! Time to get spanked as punishment!"
Girl: ...

She's learned she can take another dude in, apologize, and it's water under the bridge. That precedent is set.

If she wants to take on another dude, is that cool too, so long as she apologizes for that one also?

I can't tell if you're "keeping your options open" because you're going through a tailspin and are feeling a range of emotions (scarcity, neediness, wanting to break free but lacking the certainty to, etc.) or if it's because you simply do not care about her shagging some dude and just want to limit future negative effects on the relationship.

If it's the latter, then, well, I guess there are guys who do that. I have shagged girls whose husbands were monogamous to them, and knew they sometimes shagged other guys, and didn't really like it, but didn't hate it enough to ditch the chick. The girls weren't shagging guys all the time, more of a "just when the mood strikes me" sort of thing. Maybe you're that kind of guy, where so long as she's mostly monogamous to you you can make your peace with her occasionally getting railed by some stud.

If it's the former... then here's my advice:

I Don’t Chase 'Em, I Replace 'Em

A couple of fellas have asked on here about cutting contact recently. Here's Matt's comment from the article entitled "Your Mental Model is Flawed": “Can you explain cut off marks (ie, cutting off contact with a girl... say if she doesn't sleep with you or is not responding well) in more detail...

www.girlschase.com

Chase

 

[DocumentationTreasury]

Take her back.

At least on paper. Then fuck other girls

It's nothing personal.
We live in a disingenuous society
Anything goes.

Manipulation is everything. Everything

z@c+

What would you say to her?

 

[Teevster]

I would just request her to please me to make up for it... and that could be anything such as a threesome or anything sexual you desire - but not something she would usually provide. Gotta request something like threesomes with a girl she knows or something or force her to watch you fuck a girl (this is super hot... i have the reverse cuckold fetish).

The idea is not that you get something fresh sexually. The idea is:
1. To test her devotion. If she says "fuck no" then you know she was not that devoted.
2. It lets you keep her without coming off as a whimp. It basically allows you to keep her while maintining a strong frame. In fact it may even boost your frame.
3. It will make her respect you even more and she will feel so dominated and aroused by this.

And you get something great.

It is odd that nobody suggested something like that.

Best
Teevster

 

[POB]

I second teevester.
That's the only way to keep your frame with her.

Cheating is just another shit test.
Remember: women are always trying to see what they can get away with wit you.
YOU are the one responsible for the relationship.
Discuss the rules with her and enforce them when needed.
If you were mono and she broke it, it's her fault.
Now she has to make it up with you.

Also start to fuck other girls. And please don't ask for her consent.
Just do it and inform her what you are doing when she asks.
If she wants to participate, cool.
If not, she can stay or leave, cause you are doing it anyway.

 

[Skills]

If you have a mono and she cheated, it is going to fuck up dynamics and a breach of trust.... you can play it out and stay with her to buy time while shopping for replacement, but is not healthy, in this case knowing and going with that frame teevester suggestion good... also there is disrespect, unhappiness, breach of trust... I personally would buy time for replacement or out for good. Out for good better long term.