In search of a little bit of guidance

[kai]

First I'd like to say I love the site there's a lot great information. Time, money and effort well spent.

The Prelude:
I'm not looking for a pity party or anything like that but I'm feeling a tad jaded. I've been doing my absolute best to apply what I've read and learned here to the real world. I understand the process is slow and I'm not trying to rush anything. I'm 31, 6'2 black male w/ an athletic build, I'm in IT as a software developer and I make great I'd consider my self a handsome looking guy and pretty personable, humble, down to earth and a pretty well rounded person. I'm not a braggart, but I do love to talk about travelling. I'm mentally pretty tough and will power through almost anything. I'm not charming, I will 9/10 will just say whats one my mind, I'm not charismatic but I can command a bit of a presence but that usually isn't in my nature. I moved to Texas about 3 years ago and I have virtually no friends or prospects. Anyways, I went last night w/ a friend of a friend. Hes a really cool guy. Have you ever met some one you just felt compelled to help out and just hang w/, that was this guy. He's very charismatic. I believe he's a waiter at Applebys. His friend I met him through told me about all the women he gets. Of course I get curious, if I meet someone that can teach me, I'd want to hang around this guy We went out last night.

The Situation
So me and the friend go out, my mind was blown. We get a few drinks and he goes to work. he starts talking to women and I'm like 'meh', I can do that, but this time it was different. He gets up and sings karaoke, John Legends 'Ordinary People'. The next thing I know girls are swarming him even more than before. These girls are dying for his attention. Hes trying to help me out, he meets these group of 4 girls he puts me on, we start talking and he dips out. I eventually failed and moved on. Here's where it hurts. I'm trying to keep up and little and put my best foot forward. I know I can't pull down every girl I meet but damn. I started to talk to this girl, over weight, her hair was in a bun and not looking very well kept. She asked me about my friend. My Jaw dropped. It was a soul sucking, confidence crushing moment with any women I've ever had. I stayed around for a little while and I left maybe 30min after that.

The Aftermath
As I started to wake up I started to doubt my self. I've worked so fucking hard on getting rid of any self limiting beliefs out of my mind. However, I had this fantastic realization that maybe it just meant for me to meet women. I stopped watching porn, I'm doing the 'no fap challenge' and I'm around day 31ish. I love talking to to women but watching him do it so effortlessly made me really doubt myself. He was connecting with these women and they were just lining up at the door for him. I couldn't even get one. I'm at odds, I don't spend a whole lot of time talking with women who won't invest. if shes just not into me, I will leave. I don't take rejection personally, I will work on presenting my self better with the next woman I meet. I'm starting to think that women think I'm a robot of some sort. And I know when a woman I'm talking to realizes that I'm not good at talking w/ women, I can just sense the, "Oh, he's not good with women" vibe.

I really just wanted to get this out. Do other guys feel this way? Am I really destined to just never have sex again? I will keep forging on but sometimes I'm like why, I'm not getting anywhere. I'm still going home by myself, no woman to talk to or hang out with . Shit, no friends for that matter. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated

 

[Ntando92]

Hey man!! Don't sweat that is why these forums exist, so we can discuss these issues. After reading your post I would say that you still have a lot of self-doubt. I have had a reasonable amount of success with but I am not the best, so I will just share what I have experienced and what I have learned, even if you do apply what you have learned from Chase's blog, you have to believe in it strongly, remember that you may be working towards removing your limiting beliefs and I understand that can be difficult. You mustn't try to get the women, you should just go there already convinced you will get them and as you apply what you have learned you must let it come naturally and make it fun, see yourself as that charming and feel as if you are that sexy and good looking guy you want to be. if you feel good about yourself, the women will come flocking in, i promise you, they can sense our vibes, develop the vibes by picturing yourself being very successful and when you are at any place feel as if you are the hottest guy there and then try again, I promise you this is what has worked for me so far.

 

[ProblemSolving]

Hey Kai!

Let me ask you one simple question. How many girls have you cold approached this week? Judging from the tone of your write up - my guess is not too many. If you are not consistently going out and approaching women, then you really have no right to complain about not getting the results you want.

Furthermore, comparing an IT guy to a waiter isn't a fair comparison. This guy's job has him training his social muscles everyday by talking and flirting with a ton of new people. While you on the other hand, are training your logical and analytical muscles in front of a computer screen all day. Which one do you think is more helpful for Pickup? No wonder you were out-matched! If you want to compete , you have to put in more work training your social muscles. How many new people do you think this guy talks to in a day? 20? 30? Of course this guy is killing it. The good news is that it doesn't take 20 or 30 approaches a day to stop thinking logically and analytically. Often it'll only take one or two, so get to work.

And don't feel bad about blowing it with sets he "gave" you. He put in the work building attraction with them, then tries to hand them off to you, but attraction doesn't work like that. No one likes the bait and switch. If you would have approached a girl and built some attraction with her, then tried to hand her off to him, she would have been asking him about "Kai".

 

[kai]

I understand I'm not anywhere close to where I need to. I do go out and try to talk to women but usually reserved to weekend night. I'm up from 0500 till 1700 and I have class twice a week. I've met a few girls in my class but they are just friends and a lot are simply too young. I'm really good at saying stupid shit and I guess coming off as a dick. Example 1: I see some nice looking women I was just getting a regular convo going. I said, "Man, there are a lot of wall flowers for a bar" stupid joke I know. Then she took offense to it. Another women I was talking to was from LA, she was pretty cool. Some where down the line, I think I was getting bored or something and was failing terribly and excused my self before I failed harder. Some where else, this chick kept looking at me w/ her other 2 friends. walked by and then they all started giggling or laughing like her friend won a bet by getting me to go over there, then she ran the 'I have a b/f' routine on me when I tried to talk to her. Even today I was grocery shopping and there was this lady who was really nice looking at least and I wanted to talk to her, I but I caught a case of 'She too fine to want to talk to me' so I didn't even bother. It was then I realized I'm still deathly afraid of women. I've failed so hard and so often with women all through high school up until now. My night game is better than day game and i want to reverse that so bad. When ever I see a woman during the day I'd like to talk I always seem to catch, "Shes too busy to want to talk" or I am real hesitant. I'v been trying to train myself that if I'm in doubt approach, but it seems what little progress I did make disappeared on me this weekend

 

[Knightrain]

Yo kai,

It seems to me like you need a better vibe...and maybe some better overall social skills?

As far as your "vibe" goes...

Are your default facial expressions warm, cool, and a bit sexy? How about your voice town? Eye Contact? BODY LANGUAGE?!?

These things basically make or break your success with girls, Ricardus says in "Want to Meet a Girl? 16 Tips That Will Make It Easy" that:

Yes – it doesn’t matter that much WHAT you say, as long as you project the right vibe - see our series on how to pick up girls for more on that. That is true.

I'd suggest reading the "vibe" articles and putting the info to use, its hard to change your vibe but it is one of the best things you (or anyone else) can do for themselves.



I'm also getting the feeling that you might need to start training your overall social skills, 3 years after moving you still have "virtually no friends"... you should get friends, especially socially savvy ones and female friends. Just becoming a more social person should help alot, it did wonders for me, it really helps you understand social nuances and what not. ( Your vibe also matters a lot for making friends 0_0 ! )


So, I'd say read the "vibe" articles and "how to make friends" articles and sprinkle a little basic social skills articles like the "conversationalist"/"how to not be creepy" and mix it all together with your sweat and tears... and your cake of life will turn out great.

And you really gotta push yourself, don't quit because a girl looks "too fine to like you" or because you think you will "fail harder" if you push. The man that never took a chance never had a chance.

Hope that helps, good luck!

 

[kai]

Thanks for advice. I'm not just socially inept as hell or maybe I am and don't relize but I can actually talk to almost any one. The thing I've find that most people at my age have wife and or kids. I have a job that have weekends off, the few I do know don't have that luxury. I also make quite a bit of money and I can leave on a moments notice a lot of the few people I do know work weekends. I can tell you my vibe isn't awesome all the time. I just have a hard time smiling just for the hell, there are a few things I do, like remember a funny video or just and that helps. I'm sure my body language, I appear closed I'm sure. To be honest my attitude most of the is in in purgatory. I'm not happy, not mad just 'meh'. I will really have to work on that. Also, I'm going to cut back on meeting women in a bar or club and work much harder during the daytime. I have been trying to get out more but I do end up riding solo 95% of the time and I can meet people and talk and carry on a normal conversation but it very rarely ends up turning into a friend I can call and go do something.