Invited her over to my place, she says "maybe friday".

[SexAlchemist]

Hey fellas,

After having had two dates with her already and failed escalation on the 2nd date because I didn't know what I didn't know before reading
Chase's material, and after no contact for about a month, she's contacted me again saying she'd like to hang out with me this week. I told her I'm available between thurs-sun and asked her when she'd like to come over. She replied with, "maybe friday? "

How do I reply to this? Do I say something like, "Friday works for me. Hmu when you figure out your schedule."?

What do you guys think?

 

[Seppuku]

Hey,

If you are letting her open the door of "maybe", you are calling troubles on yourself. Your proposed answer:

"Friday works for me. Hmu when you figure out your schedule."?

is calling for a "I will let you know" loophole answer. If you don't know why this is bad, just read what I wrote here.

So, maybe cannot be an option. It is either "Yes I can on Friday", or *you* reschedule. In any case, you have to retain the initiative in your own hands.

I suggest you answer this way:

You: Friday works for me. But what do you mean, maybe? Either you can, or you cannot.

If she answers anything fuzzy, or anything similar to "I will let you know", just tell her "OK, it's OK if you can't. We will do another day". Then three days later (or so) you re-open, and propose a new date.

Seppuku

 

[Fuck This]

"I will let you know"= I'm looking for a better offer.

If a woman does not explicitly state that there is a conflict time wise that she may or may not be able to resolve, she is buying time.

Sep gave a good strategy.

 

[SexAlchemist]

I ended up replying before Sep sent his suggestion which was,

"Friday's good. Hmu in a couple of days when you figure out your schedule.

I owe you some spankings for being a bad girl before. You know that right? ;p"

Sent around 11:30 pm after my workout which was about an hour and a half after her "Maybe Friday? " reply.

Before receiving Sep's suggestion, I figured that I should let her know that Friday was good with me and that I'd give her a couple of days to figure out her schedule, but I guess that's still falling into the "I will let you know" loophole as Sep has said.

I also don't know if the last part of my text was any good or just a little silly. I tried to be a bit flirtatious and sexual with her as well as teasing about her bad behavior of stuff that went on the month prior with that sentence since it's practically implied what's going to happen on when she comes over since we made out and held each other fairly intimately on the second date a month ago.

 

[Fuck This]

So are you making back up options?

There is the 3-day notice rule some women have about not accepting dates unless it is 3 days in advance to weed out being the "backup plan" or seeming too desperate with nothing else to do. Works both ways Sport.....

Don't make someone a priority that considers you an option.

 

[SexAlchemist]

The thing is, she came texting me yesterday saying, "I'd really like to hang out with you this week." With such strong feeling words, you think she would change her mind just like that?

 

[Fuck This]

The thing is, she came texting me yesterday saying, "I'd really like to hang out with you this week." With such strong feeling words, you think she would change her mind just like that?

How many other guys got that text? Maybe a dozen maybe just you...
I hope for your sake she is waiting for her period to get done so she can get that poonanny waxed in time for a wild weekend romp with you...

 

[SexAlchemist]

Lol yeah we'll see what happens. I do have other girls I can text and set up a date with, but I actually like this girl in a lot of ways.

 

[SexAlchemist]

Update*

So we were supposed to hang out on Friday but she flaked with her standard *visiting her mom* excuse. I know she actually does visit her mom, but she can easily use it as an excuse to flake as well because she tried pretending that she just realized it was Friday and that she was "supposed to visit her mom". I ended up texting, hanging out and banging some other girl but I'm still kind of annoyed that she wasted my time and could've potentially made other plans instead of having to make plans right then and there after her flaking. How can someone "just realize it's Friday" when we set the date up for Friday? She must think of me as a fool.

Here's the texts,

Friday, 2:13 PM
Her: *My name*! I just realized it's Friday. I was going to visit my mom today.

Friday 3:16 PM
Me: Let's hang out tonight and you visit your mom tomorrow. It'll be fun ;p but it's all good, thx for the heads up.

Friday 4:57 PM
Her: It's ok. I feel really bad. RN I'm just waiting to hear back from her. Her bf was gunna pick me up.

I didn't reply to that because I was just annoyed by her BS. This is the second time that she has told me that she wanted to hang out and then flaked on me after we set up a day and time to hang out. I'm seriously nearly done trying with this girl even though I like a lot about her. It's just not worth my time and energy anymore if we can't even meet in person, especially since we've known each other for 4 months now.

How do you guys think I should proceed from here?

Edit: I'm pretty sure I fall into the bf category with her because of some past texts we've exchanged before where she explicitly stated that she feels the same about her being my girl, but that it scares her due to, I guess, her past abusive relationship. So now she really has trouble trusting anyone.

One more important point to note is that she moved to another city a month and a half ago about a 40 minute drive away from mine and she doesn't have a car, so she takes Uber everywhere. I checked the app on how much it would cost for her to travel from her city to mine and it was between $60-$70 just one way, so it would've costed her between $120-$140 round trip, back and forth. She doesn't exactly make that much money right now and is living in a bedroom owned by a family so money is tight with her.

I believe this may have affected her decision to not hang out on Friday because maybe she didn't realize how much it would cost to travel until she went on Uber on Friday and saw how much it would cost. But if that's the case, don't you think she would've just mentioned that it cost too much to travel or could she be too embarrassed to mention it? Otherwise, she could've offered to reschedule and I could've made a suggestion to meet in her city somewhere much closer to her.

 

[Big Daddy]

Friday 3:16 PM
Me: Let's hang out tonight and you visit your mom tomorrow. It'll be fun ;p but it's all good, thx for the heads up.

A quick note here, but you should never disarm yourself before her reply. Not only it's too much effort, but what you basically said was "hey, hang out with me, but don't, I don't even feel disrespected."

Something similar happened to me, here's how Hector suggested me to deal with the situation: viewtopic.php?f=4&t=18677. I ended up fucking her later anyway, but his response is still valid. I think I lucked out there. I never had much success getting them out after being flaked, but I guess it doesn't hurt to try.

 

[SexAlchemist]

Thx for the reply, but your situation was different from mine in two ways.

1.) You had already fucked her and I haven't yet.
2.) Your girl cancelled on you when you were on your way to picking her up, and mine cancelled about four hours before the time of the scheduled date.

Hector said, "I would understand if she canceled a few hours before or even the day before but you were on your way. That's super disrespectful of her to not tell you she canceled."

So basically he said that he would understand if she had cancelled a few hours before which is what the girl who flaked on me did, and plus I haven't had sex with her yet, so I tried to take Chase's advice of playing it cool and not bothered by the flake even though her excuse is so pathetically obvious to the point of making me look foolish for excepting it.

I really had no idea and don't know how to proceed from here. It feels like I should just let it go and if she contacts me later and we set a day to hang out again, but if I do, it seems to me that I'll have to be straight with her by saying something along the lines of, "I really do want to hang out with you too, but I can't be bothered to have my time wasted, so only hang out if you really are going to show up."

I really am lost on what to do here besides just letting her go at this point.

 

[Big Daddy]

I was just pointing out that you basically said, "come with me, but no, don't worry I understand. Thanks for letting me know." As Seppuku pointed out, you are still very into her frame and you sound like you are uncertain of what to do.

You could've either said "come one, you can just forgot it's Friday again and see your mother tomorrow," which would've been an uphill battle but at least you clearly tell you're not buying her bullshit or you can say "oh, okay then. Maybe we can reschedule something for later" and then go radio silence for a week, still not buying into her frame.

You have nothing to lose by just throwing a Hail Mary. I'd wait a week and shoot something her way and see if it works without getting my hopes high.

 

[SexAlchemist]

I was just pointing out that you basically said, "come with me, but no, don't worry I understand. Thanks for letting me know." As Seppuku pointed out, you are still very into her frame and you sound like you are uncertain of what to do.

I understand what you're saying and I did come off this way because I didn't know what to do. I was trying to come off like I didn't care as per Chase's rule of flaking, and at the same time I tried to give her an opportunity to still hang out with me, which it did see to almost work because she replied with, "RN I'm just waiting to hear back from her. Her bf was gunna pick me up." which looks like an opportunity for me to come back at her with a reply like the one you suggested of, "come one, you can just forgot it's Friday again and see your mother tomorrow," which might have worked. What do you think?

To me it seems like with her last text that she was leaving me an opportunity to take charge and come back with the first line you recommended. As if it was some sort of shit test. I was talking with a friend of mine and asked him if he thought that her last text was a shit test. It sure seems like it because she took two hours to respond back. This girls is fucking confusing and pissing me off though tbh. I may have been her backup plan at this point while she was waiting for her first priority date to give her an answer.

She's not above a six looks wise. I'm honestly at least a seven looks wise and I have more going for me professionally. It just boggles my mind that she can put me in a lower priority than someone else if that's true, but my gut instinct tells me that she's just insecure about how she looks because she told me that she recently lost 30 lbs going from 150 at 5'5" to 120 and still feels like she's a skinny fat person.

 

[Big Daddy]

Sorry my man -- for some reason I hadn't seen this last post.

If she really wanted to go out with you, she'd let it be known. I had girls flake and easily get them out on a second date (they wanted to go out from the beginning) had girls flake and never got them out (they weren't so keen on the idea).

There's only one way to know: ask her out again. But don't bend to her frame. Give her a week of radio silence (I believe you already did this) and call her (don't text). Ask some shit about her day, then ask about her mom and transition to asking her out.

Calling her is a nice way to break the pattern and it's harder for her to bullshit you. Try to set up something in the next couple of days.

I'm honestly at least a seven looks wise and I have more going for me professionally.

Don't read too much into it man, it'll make you become bitter. Just ask her out again, expect nothing and either go on the date or move on.

 

[Seppuku]

SA,

To me, the story was mostly played during the first two dates, after the failed escalation. My guess is, she is now trying to keep you around and get attention from you, but purely non sexual.

What happened after your failed dates, excuse me, but that looks like the highway to abuse:

• After a month of radio silence, she baits you with suggesting a date
• When you get specific, she goes into "maybe" territory,
• She baits you more with "I'd really like to hang out with you this week."
• You give in into her baits
• She flakes

For a start, you should absolutely call her on her bad behavior. It was bad behavior. Second, you need to be more vigilant in the future not to get framed in the same way, with her, or another girl. It starts with the "maybe", or "I will let you know" loopholes. The door to more abuse is wide opened. You will get more abuse if you keep doing the same.

For me, she long past the threshold of tolerance. But that's me. If you really want to pursue with her, you absolutely need to come from a much stronger frame - and only after calling her out for what she did. A little bit of radio silence would do her good, too, for the attention whoring.

Seppuku

 

[SexAlchemist]

Sorry my man -- for some reason I hadn't seen this last post.

If she really wanted to go out with you, she'd let it be known. I had girls flake and easily get them out on a second date (they wanted to go out from the beginning) had girls flake and never got them out (they weren't so keen on the idea).

There's only one way to know: ask her out again. But don't bend to her frame. Give her a week of radio silence (I believe you already did this) and call her (don't text). Ask some shit about her day, then ask about her mom and transition to asking her out.

Calling her is a nice way to break the pattern and it's harder for her to bullshit you. Try to set up something in the next couple of days.

I'm honestly at least a seven looks wise and I have more going for me professionally.

Don't read too much into it man, it'll make you become bitter. Just ask her out again, expect nothing and either go on the date or move on.

No worries man, I appreciate the reply.

I'm pretty much done chasing this chick or any girl to the level that I did. She's strange in that she never picks up her phone whenever I've called her, so I don't even bother with that. I'll just wait for her to get back to me, and have initiate asking for a date because I've asked 3 times at this point after the second date with her flaking, so I'm done with that shit. I'll never chase this hard for a girl again. This was just the kick-in-the-ass lesson that I needed I guess.

 

[SexAlchemist]

SA,

To me, the story was mostly played during the first two dates, after the failed escalation. My guess is, she is now trying to keep you around and get attention from you, but purely non sexual.

What happened after your failed dates, excuse me, but that looks like the highway to abuse:

• After a month of radio silence, she baits you with suggesting a date
• When you get specific, she goes into "maybe" territory,
• She baits you more with "I'd really like to hang out with you this week."
• You give in into her baits
• She flakes

For a start, you should absolutely call her on her bad behavior. It was bad behavior. Second, you need to be more vigilant in the future not to get framed in the same way, with her, or another girl. It starts with the "maybe", or "I will let you know" loopholes. The door to more abuse is wide opened. You will get more abuse if you keep doing the same.

For me, she long past the threshold of tolerance. But that's me. If you really want to pursue with her, you absolutely need to come from a much stronger frame - and only after calling her out for what she did. A little bit of radio silence would do her good, too, for the attention whoring.

Seppuku

You're absolutely right Seppuku. I'm pretty much done with her flaking and I actually did call her out on it but more in an indirect way in a convo we had. At this point I'm only going to wait for her to contact me and to initiate asking if I'd like to hang out with her again, otherwise I'm done chasing her. I've learned my lesson on chasing too hard and I'll have much more frame control and self-respect with other girls from now on.

 

[Seppuku]

You're absolutely right Seppuku. I'm pretty much done with her flaking and I actually did call her out on it but more in an indirect way in a convo we had. At this point I'm only going to wait for her to contact me and to initiate asking if I'd like to hang out with her again, otherwise I'm done chasing her. I've learned my lesson on chasing too hard and I'll have much more frame control and self-respect with other girls from now on.

Thanks. A high status man makes it crystal clear that he won't accept this sort of abuse. So if you have a chance, you need to call her out *very directly* and without ambiguity. Using an indirect way is too weak.

My guess is she will come back - as an attention seeker. Don't confuse need for attention with actual sexual interest.

The mantras of this site are "move fast" and "do not chase", and for a good reason. You probably stood a good chance with her at the beginning. I don't know what happened in the first two dates, and the exact details of this "failed escalation" but most probably your chances dropped significantly after that.

Moving fast (like sex in the first or second date) will work wonders for you and will also avoid the "descent in hell" that follows a closed escalation window.

I hope you add that to the lessons of this experience!

Seppuku
PS. And don't worry, we all learned this through mistakes of our own.