Inviting "darkness", but in a benign way?

[Blush]

A girl I’ve been seeing for a month or so recently told me she had a history of being turned on by danger, adventure, and sometimes even humiliation. Not just in bed, but within the whole aspect of relationships. She acknowledges that this has led her to a couple of bad affairs, and recognizes the destructive potential of this pattern, but at the same time knows this is what she gravitates to sexually. This has made it hard for her to feel satisfied in LTR that have gotten familiar and saturated with trust.

I don't yet know wether she and I will be compatible for anything long term. But I’m not interested in rejecting this girls experience, or labeling in as some pathologic ”issue”. I don’t think it is. I can relate to big parts of her thoughts and feelings, and do very much share her need for excitement, and ”darkness”, or ”the shadow self” if you will. I like to invite those things as well. But I’m not interested in humiliating anyone for real. The girls I want to be with, I feel only love towards them in the end, and those feelings cannot be hidden away for long without coming off as inauthentic.

Have you ever encountered this juxtaposition with the allure, the need for darkness, and the necessity of trust and positive emotion within sexual relations? How do you relate to it? What do you consider a good way to walk the line?

 

[ulrich]

I have only found these kind of situations with girls in passing and not really delved too much into them.

I’m not going to pretend I understand 100% what is this situation.

However, my first instinct is telling you that you need to reframe this experience/interaction…

Excitement, novelty… that’s good.
But when you’re talking about “darkness” or “shadows”, you’re setting up yourself for a selfdesctructive experience.
Why not reframing it to “intense”, “passionate”, “dominant”, “strong”?
That’s much more healthy.

And if she insists on keeping the frame of “darkness”… you better run because it will eventually come back to kick you in the butt.

 

[Blush]

I have only found these kind of situations with girls in passing and not really delved too much into them.

I’m not going to pretend I understand 100% what is this situation.

However, my first instinct is telling you that you need to reframe this experience/interaction…

Excitement, novelty… that’s good.
But when you’re talking about “darkness” or “shadows”, you’re setting up yourself for a selfdesctructive experience.
Why not reframing it to “intense”, “passionate”, “dominant”, “strong”?
That’s much more healthy.

And if she insists on keeping the frame of “darkness”… you better run because it will eventually come back to kick you in the butt.

Well, if a girl opens up to me about vulnerable stuffs, like turn on's, and how these has complicated things for her in the past, I don't want to be too pushy in selling her my interpretation of her experience (ie "listen, I think what you really want is not that, but THIS, and I will now give this to you instead of that"). Especially since we don't know each other super well. Her frame has never been, "you need to behave very unhinged around me, or I will next you", she is super sweet, but she herself has realized this double edged sword, when the need for safety and trust collides with the need for arousal coming from danger/insecurity.

Some of the things she craves, as excitement and novelty, can indeed easily be available to both of us, we would then just refrain from becoming exclusive with one another etc.

But things get a bit tricky when you begin to consider that the occasional "role play", while being fun, is not what creates the air around a relation, but rather it's the day to day interactions with one another that makes or brakes the tension. The good tension, that is.

 

[Will_V]

A girl I’ve been seeing for a month or so recently told me she had a history of being turned on by danger, adventure, and sometimes even humiliation. Not just in bed, but within the whole aspect of relationships. She acknowledges that this has led her to a couple of bad affairs, and recognizes the destructive potential of this pattern, but at the same time knows this is what she gravitates to sexually. This has made it hard for her to feel satisfied in LTR that have gotten familiar and saturated with trust.

I don't yet know wether she and I will be compatible for anything long term. But I’m not interested in rejecting this girls experience, or labeling in as some pathologic ”issue”. I don’t think it is. I can relate to big parts of her thoughts and feelings, and do very much share her need for excitement, and ”darkness”, or ”the shadow self” if you will. I like to invite those things as well. But I’m not interested in humiliating anyone for real. The girls I want to be with, I feel only love towards them in the end, and those feelings cannot be hidden away for long without coming off as inauthentic.

Have you ever encountered this juxtaposition with the allure, the need for darkness, and the necessity of trust and positive emotion within sexual relations? How do you relate to it? What do you consider a good way to walk the line?

My approach is always to let the relationship develop along the path of least resistance at the start. That way I have a decent idea what I'm in for.

 

[Blush]

My approach is always to let the relationship develop along the path of least resistance at the start. That way I have a decent idea what I'm in for.

What do you mean with "least resistance" in this context? For me right now, when meeting a new girl, there are a lot of things you must maintain resistance against. Resist falling into a relationship on sub par terms, resist being too expressive with all you're positive emotions at once to avoid that rushing feeling, resist making too many compromises with who you are because you want the overall vibe to be good all the time etc.

Are you talking about not trying to mold the girl, but instead just observing who she is and how she wants to behave?

 

[ulrich]

You seem an intelligent fella, Ill let you handle that.
But it does sound as playing with fire.

Friendly reminder… she doesn’t sounds like wife material… just so you know.

 

[Blush]

I

You seem an intelligent fella, Ill let you handle that.
But it does sound as playing with fire.

Friendly reminder… she doesn’t sounds like wife material… just so you know.

I see your point. As for now, I'm not looking for a wife though, I'm looking for excitement. But will stay mindful.

 

[Will_V]

What do you mean with "least resistance" in this context? For me right now, when meeting a new girl, there are a lot of things you must maintain resistance against. Resist falling into a relationship on sub par terms, resist being too expressive with all you're positive emotions at once to avoid that rushing feeling, resist making too many compromises with who you are because you want the overall vibe to be good all the time etc.

Are you talking about not trying to mold the girl, but instead just observing who she is and how she wants to behave?

I mean in terms of her expressing to me genuinely what kind of girl she is. If she wants to run wild I'd rather know at the start. No judgement, we can have fun together but later on when it's time to make a decision I will have the perspective I need.

I have a reasonably narrow idea of what kind of girlfriend works for me, but there are lots of kinds of girls I enjoy being around.

sometimes even humiliation. Not just in bed, but within the whole aspect of relationships. She acknowledges that this has led her to a couple of bad affairs ...

The bolded parts are a big red flag for me, I don't mind girls that like to play around with different things in bed but I don't have much patience for drama in the rest of the relationship, and loyalty is my number one value in any kind of relationship. YMMV.