Long-Term Is it time to call it quits, or just a pattern?

ieatapples

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Apr 25, 2018
Messages
30
Some background:
I have been in an LTR with my partner for over four years and we get on brilliantly. We have two kids together, a house and are both in professional jobs. Financially, we are independent, except for our mortgage and I own the larger share. Our first child was conceived within the six-month honeymoon phase of our relationship. We are also not married.

For some time now, I've been questioning whether I want to be in this relationship with my partner anymore. Like many on here, I am fascinated and intrigued with learning and understanding seduction. So much so, it's almost a compulsion. Nothing makes me more satisfied than meeting someone and sweeping them off their feet. Especially when they're women I feel crazy about. It is how I met my long-term partner and how I managed to secure a high quality one (thanks Chase!). This, right or wrongly, has made me struggle with the concept of being “settled down”, and yes I have read Chases’ guide on the subject.

The issue:
I have lost sexual attraction for my partner and dwell in infidelity. Physically, I struggle to feel aroused by my partner and fail to develop much in the ways of sexual passion when I am. We have dwindled to having sex only on the odd occasion and it's nothing more than a ten-minute stint with a single pop.

At first, two years ago, I thought this was down to me not hormonally functioning as well as I should be, so got some tests from doctors. My results were normal and I was given some blue pills, for the occasions, and chalked this blip up to me being somewhat stressed at work or maybe overtraining. What followed was a sort-of-resurgence in attraction as my partner got back in shape, after a year or so of our first child being born, and me being horny plus armed with blue pills. Our second child was conceived shortly after this and I wanted her to get an abortion. She was devastated and I could see it would destroy her so I made, in no uncertain terms, that this was her choosing and that I would expect her to be the work horse in bringing up the next child. And once again, the weight gain problem came and we had no sex for about a year.

Fast forward to recent months, and she is not coping well at all with the kids. I find myself being the breadwinner, keeper of the house, gardener, cook and fifty percent man looking after the kids. It has left me with little time for me, which is difficult for an introvert but not impossible. Anyway, these are all what I would consider mild points, as they can be worked on and improved, plus are influenced by environmental factors (lockdown, changing jobs, finances, etc.). They’re also inconsistent in their effort.

For me, the biggest issue is the loss of physical attraction. My LTRs physical build just isn’t my ideal and I overlooked it at the beginning of our relationship due to getting that part of my sexual desire satisfied by a younger less mentally attractive girl on the side for a few months. My natural preference is for petite, slight framed women and they are whom typically dated before my LTR and struggled with sexual loss for.

The hard part:
In spite of all that I’ve mentioned before, my LTR and I get on amazing. She is a brilliant partner. Loyal without question, great with kids, super smart, socially amazing... the list could go on and on. She is an amazing woman and my best friend. However, the excitement has gone and we’ve tried many date nights, drinks and travelling, but nothing works. My desire to have sex with her like a cave man is so far gone, it makes me feel depressed. I have stayed together for our kids. They deserve a strong male model and to be financially free of poverty – which is what I provide. I just can’t help but sigh a sigh of loss when I think that this is all my life will be. No excitement, no reward or sexual release when days are tough and battles conquered. Just ten minutes then pop and followed by TV or games.

How did I come to the crescendo to write this?
One of the girls I’ve met in my infidelity has turned my head. She is on the same wavelength as me and the attraction on both our sides is unquestionable. She made me feel alive again. I felt emotions I forgot existed.

Unlike other side girls, I told her about my current situation/status. All be it in drips and drabs depending on the questions she asked, as I am aware that most women would run a million miles from a guy with baggage. To my surprise, she stuck with me and her attraction grew and grew. Until I revealed to her that I had second child of less than a year old last week. I could see she was in turmoil and calmed her when togther. However, as we can't maintain constant contact, she has gone in auto rejection because she is terrified of being a home wrecker. Her friend is likely not helping in this issue. This has upset me a lot and been an emotional earthquake that has shaken me to action so as to not have a repeat in future.

My question is, am I right to break this off? I am terrified of the fallout and damage to my children. My LTR will be devastated, which she doesn't deserve.

Am I just being selfish, am I seeking thrills which ultimately are just some kind mental health flaw in me?

Has anyone been in this kind of situation where sexual attraction is the issue and not a whole lot else?
 
Last edited:

DoWhatWorks

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Nov 7, 2019
Messages
60
Some background:
I have been in an LTR with my partner for over four years and we get on brilliantly. We have two kids together, a house and are both in professional jobs. Financially, we are independent, except for our mortgage and I own the larger share. Our first child was conceived within the six-month honeymoon phase of our relationship. We are also not married.

For some time now, I've been questioning whether I want to be in this relationship with my partner anymore. Like many on here, I am fascinated and intrigued with learning and understanding seduction. So much so, it's almost a compulsion. Nothing makes me more satisfied than meeting someone and sweeping them off their feet. Especially when they're women I feel crazy about. It is how I met my long-term partner and how I managed to secure a high quality one (thanks Chase!). This, right or wrongly, has made me struggle with the concept of being “settled down”, and yes I have read Chases’ guide on the subject.

The issue:
I have lost sexual attraction for my partner and dwell in infidelity. Physically, I struggle to feel aroused by my partner and fail to develop much in the ways of sexual passion when I am. We have dwindled to having sex only on the odd occasion and it's nothing more than a ten-minute stint with a single pop.

At first, two years ago, I thought this was down to me not hormonally functioning as well as I should be, so got some tests from doctors. My results were normal and I was given some blue pills, for the occasions, and chalked this blip up to me being somewhat stressed at work or maybe overtraining. What followed was a sort-of-resurgence in attraction as my partner got back in shape, after a year or so of our first child being born, and me being horny plus armed with blue pills. Our second child was conceived shortly after this and I wanted her to get an abortion. She was devastated and I could see it would destroy her so I made, in no uncertain terms, that this was her choosing and that I would expect her to be the work horse in bringing up the next child. And once again, the weight gain problem came and we had no sex for about a year.

Fast forward to recent months, and she is not coping well at all with the kids. I find myself being the breadwinner, keeper of the house, gardener, cook and fifty percent man looking after the kids. It has left me with little time for me, which is difficult for an introvert but not impossible. Anyway, these are all what I would consider mild points, as they can be worked on and improved, plus are influenced by environmental factors (lockdown, changing jobs, finances, etc.). They’re also inconsistent in their effort.

For me, the biggest issue is the loss of physical attraction. My LTRs physical build just isn’t my ideal and I overlooked it at the beginning of our relationship due to getting that part of my sexual desire satisfied by a younger less mentally attractive girl on the side for a few months. My natural preference is for petite, slight framed women and they are whom typically dated before my LTR and struggled with sexual loss for.

The hard part:
In spite of all that I’ve mentioned before, my LTR and I get on amazing. She is a brilliant partner. Loyal without question, great with kids, super smart, socially amazing... the list could go on and on. She is an amazing woman and my best friend. However, the excitement has gone and we’ve tried many date nights, drinks and travelling, but nothing works. My desire to have sex with her like a cave man is so far gone, it makes me feel depressed. I have stayed together for our kids. They deserve a strong male model and to be financially free of poverty – which is what I provide. I just can’t help but sigh a sigh of loss when I think that this is all my life will be. No excitement, no reward or sexual release when days are tough and battles conquered. Just ten minutes then pop and followed by TV or games.

How did I come to the crescendo to write this?
One of the girls I’ve met in my infidelity has turned my head. She is on the same wavelength as me and the attraction on both our sides is unquestionable. She made me feel alive again. I felt emotions I forgot existed.

Unlike other side girls, I told her about my current situation/status. All be it in drips and drabs depending on the questions she asked, as I am aware that most women would run a million miles from a guy with baggage. To my surprise, she stuck with me and her attraction grew and grew. Until I revealed to her that I had second child of less than a year old last week. I could see she was in turmoil and calmed her when togther. However, as we can't maintain constant contact, she has gone in auto rejection because she is terrified of being a home wrecker. Her friend is likely not helping in this issue. This has upset me a lot and been an emotional earthquake that has shaken me to action so as to not have a repeat in future.

My question is, am I right to break this off? I am terrified of the fallout and damage to my children. My LTR will be devastated, which she doesn't deserve.

Am I just being selfish, am I seeking thrills which ultimately are just some kind mental health flaw in me?

Has anyone been in this kind of situation where sexual attraction is the issue and not a whole lot else?
Hey man, definitely not an easy situation to be in. As it sounds like she’s a great partner but you’ve fallen out of attraction for her... What about having a conversation with her about directly?

Is your idea of the solution you staying with her but also getting a pass to get something casual on the side? I think it’s more common than people think.

That may be a win where you’re all on the same page and avoids heartbreak further down the line
 

Skills

Tribal Elder
Tribal Elder
Joined
Nov 11, 2019
Messages
771
Location
South Florida
Some background:
I have been in an LTR with my partner for over four years and we get on brilliantly. We have two kids together, a house and are both in professional jobs. Financially, we are independent, except for our mortgage and I own the larger share. Our first child was conceived within the six-month honeymoon phase of our relationship. We are also not married.

For some time now, I've been questioning whether I want to be in this relationship with my partner anymore. Like many on here, I am fascinated and intrigued with learning and understanding seduction. So much so, it's almost a compulsion. Nothing makes me more satisfied than meeting someone and sweeping them off their feet. Especially when they're women I feel crazy about. It is how I met my long-term partner and how I managed to secure a high quality one (thanks Chase!). This, right or wrongly, has made me struggle with the concept of being “settled down”, and yes I have read Chases’ guide on the subject.

The issue:
I have lost sexual attraction for my partner and dwell in infidelity. Physically, I struggle to feel aroused by my partner and fail to develop much in the ways of sexual passion when I am. We have dwindled to having sex only on the odd occasion and it's nothing more than a ten-minute stint with a single pop.

At first, two years ago, I thought this was down to me not hormonally functioning as well as I should be, so got some tests from doctors. My results were normal and I was given some blue pills, for the occasions, and chalked this blip up to me being somewhat stressed at work or maybe overtraining. What followed was a sort-of-resurgence in attraction as my partner got back in shape, after a year or so of our first child being born, and me being horny plus armed with blue pills. Our second child was conceived shortly after this and I wanted her to get an abortion. She was devastated and I could see it would destroy her so I made, in no uncertain terms, that this was her choosing and that I would expect her to be the work horse in bringing up the next child. And once again, the weight gain problem came and we had no sex for about a year.

Fast forward to recent months, and she is not coping well at all with the kids. I find myself being the breadwinner, keeper of the house, gardener, cook and fifty percent man looking after the kids. It has left me with little time for me, which is difficult for an introvert but not impossible. Anyway, these are all what I would consider mild points, as they can be worked on and improved, plus are influenced by environmental factors (lockdown, changing jobs, finances, etc.). They’re also inconsistent in their effort.

For me, the biggest issue is the loss of physical attraction. My LTRs physical build just isn’t my ideal and I overlooked it at the beginning of our relationship due to getting that part of my sexual desire satisfied by a younger less mentally attractive girl on the side for a few months. My natural preference is for petite, slight framed women and they are whom typically dated before my LTR and struggled with sexual loss for.

The hard part:
In spite of all that I’ve mentioned before, my LTR and I get on amazing. She is a brilliant partner. Loyal without question, great with kids, super smart, socially amazing... the list could go on and on. She is an amazing woman and my best friend. However, the excitement has gone and we’ve tried many date nights, drinks and travelling, but nothing works. My desire to have sex with her like a cave man is so far gone, it makes me feel depressed. I have stayed together for our kids. They deserve a strong male model and to be financially free of poverty – which is what I provide. I just can’t help but sigh a sigh of loss when I think that this is all my life will be. No excitement, no reward or sexual release when days are tough and battles conquered. Just ten minutes then pop and followed by TV or games.

How did I come to the crescendo to write this?
One of the girls I’ve met in my infidelity has turned my head. She is on the same wavelength as me and the attraction on both our sides is unquestionable. She made me feel alive again. I felt emotions I forgot existed.

Unlike other side girls, I told her about my current situation/status. All be it in drips and drabs depending on the questions she asked, as I am aware that most women would run a million miles from a guy with baggage. To my surprise, she stuck with me and her attraction grew and grew. Until I revealed to her that I had second child of less than a year old last week. I could see she was in turmoil and calmed her when togther. However, as we can't maintain constant contact, she has gone in auto rejection because she is terrified of being a home wrecker. Her friend is likely not helping in this issue. This has upset me a lot and been an emotional earthquake that has shaken me to action so as to not have a repeat in future.

My question is, am I right to break this off? I am terrified of the fallout and damage to my children. My LTR will be devastated, which she doesn't deserve.

Am I just being selfish, am I seeking thrills which ultimately are just some kind mental health flaw in me?

Has anyone been in this kind of situation where sexual attraction is the issue and not a whole lot else?
Some points:

- no matter how hot she is, by just living together you may lose some attraction, coolidge effect https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coolidge_effect
- Why bring kids into the situation if you were not attracted in the first place.
- the girl that is in your head is "exiting" cause she is new and you and her are fantasizing about each other, you are married, she is the side girl, she needs to win you over, all of that soap opera drama is exiting for the both of you..... Once you get divorce and you settle down with the new one, same shit you will eventually get bored.
- try to not move in with women, that kills excitement, people move in cause they spend a weekend together fucking and the likes, and they think it will be like that for ever, uhmm nope...
- what is normal in your hormones? you do not want normal, you want optimal in the high range of hormones to feel the best.
 

YS.

Modern Human
Modern Human
Joined
Mar 3, 2020
Messages
152
Well, bro.

Men are not built for LTRs.

Most high level married G's regularly have mistresses, hook-ups, side chicks, or bang random hookers. (Literally look it up. Everyone, like... EVERYONE has 'em. I've never seen a sexually prospering 5-10+ year relationship, lol.)

If you're gonna go for a LTR, realize you're choosing a partner and a family.

I have seen great marriages, they were mutual partnerships and and there was plenty of love, just not the sexual kind. Just 2 people loving and supporting each other, building an empire and growing a family.

In Chris Ryan's book he explains that fucking the same women is a big biological disadvantage so we're evolved to avoid it and lose physical/sexual attraction after a relatively short amount of time.

So get real bro. Don't go into LTR's thinking it will be exciting and sexual. That should never be the main prio of LTRs. They need MASSIVE investment to sustain to be exciting and sexual. I basically banned myself from seeing my fiance for a month for the sex to be exciting again, lol.

You can only get it to work, if it's an open relationship or she's into threesomes or you guys see each other very sparingly/have long off times. But anything else, realize you're getting a life partner for a family primarily, not a sexual companion.


----


One brief tip though, I realized after I had some adventures with other women I got more excited by my fiance more. I think JUST fucking her really fucks the sexual attraction up really badly.

Another tip, in the book from Ester Parell (?), for you to have attraction you must never fully have each other. Believe it or not this is why the cuckholding shit is so popular today and why swinging keeps 60 y/o couples still fucking like bunnies. You being with other people (or the idea of it) keeps both of you kinda keep the spark alive. Interesting tip. After we went out and I talked to some chicks, she looked at me differently. And I always fucked her super hard after she went out with her friends and told me a oh these guys hit on me a lot type of story. It's interesting. Maybe it helps you.

Another tip from the same book:

Make sure she sees you at your power and you see her at her power. You see her shining in her friend group, being a source of validation and men are attracted to her. She sees you dominating at work and people supplicating to you. Or she sees you flirting with another girl. Or she sees you at the wrestling gym dominating some chump and people deferring to you, etc. It's magical for attraction. But again, both are short term solutions. You (and her) will lose attraction with the same person at some point.
 
Last edited:

FunGuy

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Feb 5, 2020
Messages
43
Is it just a weight issue? Be respectfully honest with her and tell her, give her time to see if she does something about her weight. If enough time has passed and you see little effort, then thats when you decide if its time to end the relationship.
 

ieatapples

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Apr 25, 2018
Messages
30
Most high level married G's regularly have mistresses, hook-ups, side chicks, or bang random hookers. (Literally look it up. Everyone, like... EVERYONE has 'em. I've never seen a sexually prospering 5-10+ year relationship, lol.)
That is something I have observed as well and was my justification for doing what I do. I've always struggled in LTRs (Coolidge effect as @Skills mentioned) to stay attracted and my purpose for settling was that I got on amazingly well with my partner and my career had taken a big leap forward. With the finances behind me and an excellent partner that I was strongly attracted to, physically and mentally, at my side, it made sense to start a family.

- Why bring kids into the situation if you were not attracted in the first place.
I was attracted, she might not have been my "ideal" type physically, but she was sexy as all hell. I don't know about you, but I can be attracted to many kinds of women physically. Sometimes I like big breasts, other times a curvy figure... etc. I just didn't realise how much I would long for a petite woman.

Hey man, definitely not an easy situation to be in. As it sounds like she’s a great partner but you’ve fallen out of attraction for her... What about having a conversation with her about directly?

Is your idea of the solution you staying with her but also getting a pass to get something casual on the side? I think it’s more common than people think.
We actually did have that conversation about a year ago. We talked about opening things up and maybe visiting some swingers clubs.

Open relationships though don't really sit too well with me. They seem much better suited to women than men due to sexual dynamics (i.e. it's easy to get cock, not pussy). We might still give swinging a try, like a wife swap. What we did agree on though, was that if either of us were to be seeing someone on the side, we wouldn't let the other know and would do everything to keep it that way. So an out of sight, out of mind type agreement.

The issue that I have however is that women, especially in their early 20s, have zero logistics. It makes it almost impossible to work things out with them, and the girl I was seeing was in that situation. I'm pretty sure, having sex with her in the back of my car (due to lockdown), rather than the hotels we'd been in before, was like a magnifying glass to her concerns about having a casual relationship with me.

Is it just a weight issue? Be respectfully honest with her and tell her, give her time to see if she does something about her weight. If enough time has passed and you see little effort, then thats when you decide if its time to end the relationship.
Yes, she is losing the weight and doing a great job of it. Physically, because of kids, I don't think she will return back to her old looking self. Some people just don't win at the genetics lottery. I do get jealous of guys who's wife spring back like elastic bands after having a baby - it's generally petite framed women this happens to though (wish I knew that earlier).
 

Skills

Tribal Elder
Tribal Elder
Joined
Nov 11, 2019
Messages
771
Location
South Florida
ok i re-read the op now:

-be careful with the side chick she may be manipulating the situation and she has you were she wants to....
-in my experience every time side girls grow balls and give ultimatums is cause most likely there is a prospect or other possibility somewhere..
- learn fixer upper game
- Spend 300 hundred bucks and talk to a lawyer to see your options if the worst would happen.
- sometimes divorce is sooooo expensive because is worth it...
- A lot of people that stay together cause of the kids, end up miserable together and the kids will eventually know that you stay together just because of them which makes things worst for them.... (i bang so many married women in this situation and is always the same story they stay miserable cause of the kids, eventually they can't take it anymore and break up anyway)
 
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