is she in auto rejection?

[bossom]

I met her at a nightclub. She showed high interest from the very beginning and I qualified her (By telling her "HADAs", I mean, things that I like about her and the sensations that that things make me feel, it kinda flattering). She was very compliant and there was no problem to set up the first date. We kissed and everything went well. The problem came on the second one.

-I directly invited her to my home as the plan for the 2nd date, she was very compliant but nervous, so I told her that we could go out if she did not feel so good with the idea. She agreed and we got out.
From the beginning of the 2nd date I was EXPLICITLY looking for a bench, (yes, she knew my intentions with it haha). So I guess that she may have felt that all I wanted her for was sex.
(She is very sexually shy btw)

-The second and biggest problem, I told her about a girl I made out with in the past, and in a quite "douchebag" way. I noticed that she got upset and mad after that. Although she didnt express it.
After that I noticed her more "distant" (on the date) despite that we were talking normally. She started to say hings like "Ohh all you want me for is X" (in a sad and upset voice). (X does not stand for sex, but any random stuff that we were talking about at the moment, a joke or whatever. The important is that she was expressing that she was feeling "Used" and without value.)


She did not message me again since that date, I did though, and she was colder (She didnt message hearts or that kinf of stuff anymore).
2 weeks went by and I decided to bring up this topic.
She told me that she doesnt feel that we are for each other and that she wants to focus on her studied and stuff.

The thing is that I belive that the real problem is just that; she felt rejected. So although she is telling what I said before, I think that it is due to the auto-rejection, and that it should be fixable.

Anyway I am gonna add the conversation that we're having on whatssap on the next comment, so that you can "gage" the situation better.

Thank you all for your help

 

[bossom]

Here is the conversation, which from my point of view, expresses quite clearly what the objection is, but I'd like to have your opinions
(My hypothesis is, that she sees me with value, but her shields are activated and she is in auto-rejection) (I am sorry that it is a bit long, and also it is translated from french)
I've also made some annotations

I: you're the first girl whom I message after a double blue check... I must be going crazy hahaha

She: I am priviliged haha

I: I notice you distant

She: Idk.. I am really lazy on whatssap

I: I think that I know the true reason:
I: I am also quite lazy. But my sexy male's intuition never lies...

She: haha reaally? so what is it according to your male's intuition?

I: It is that you dont want to give me back my 3$ hahaha
I: hahaha na.... I guess what is ... But I want you to tell me

She: hahaha well by the now I am not that poor
She: And what do you guess... I am curious

I: Tell me first and I will next... open up with absolute honesty..Im not gonna get mad or something

She: It is gonna look like an excuse but lately I dont have time enough... due to my family who are in hardship, studies, the job..

I: Im sorry to hear that referred to your family
I: Anyway if you dont want that we see each other again just tell me.. Im not gonna get mad

She: hahaha shit happens
She: The thing is that now I want to focus on my studies and helping my family

I: Well I send you the biggest hug. i hope that you allovercome it
I: Lol it wasn't what I believed then

She: haha thannk youu
She: what did you believe?

I: (btw: If you need to vent or something, feel free to do it. I'll love to listen to you)
I: Well... I think it was coz... you know.. when I told you about that girl I noticed you really angry.. I thought for a moment that I was talking to the evil hahaha
I: I know how you girls are and I know that now you'll deny it. be honest haha

She: haha did I really look that mad??
She: Well the truth is that I found it from you a bit of an asshole but idk...
She: I didnt know that I seemed like if that affected me that much

I: I know that I was a bit douchbag/asshole. It wasnt my intention to make you feel that way. Just the other way around, I think talking about the sexual past is a way of building trusting and confidence. It is a value which I really appraise, and that few girls have. (here I wanted to see if she "fell in the hoop", I mean, if she says smtng like "No no I also think that value is important" or similar.)
But yeah I admit that I was an asshole and I apologize. I wanted to build confidence/trusting. You know that I was really loving * 2 HADAS* and the last thing I wanted was to hurt you.
Friends again? I'll give you the best massage to compensate you
(I said "Friends" but not meaning its literal meaning)

She: hahaha wow how good you write and express yourself... your university's assignments must be the best
(I've rewritten the whole text coz Im translating it from french, but yeah it looked really formal and cool in that language)
(I also understood by this compliment, that the value was not the problem indeed)
She: haha yes sure. You dont have to apologize, some things you told me impacted me a bit... but from the day that I met you I was really nice to meet you, for that reason I met up with you
She: Only thing is that now I dont see myself with time to be with someone in that way... but friends is terrific/cool !

I: Well Well...For me, having a serious relationship is something that is upon the initial chemistry between two persons, and over the time.. so much time.
(I intended to mean that now it is too soon to have anything serious. Coz I think that she thought from the beginning that we were gonna have it)
I: well you know that I am a guy who likes to improve himself and also curious.
The real reason has to do with attraction or that you see me as an asshole?
Im not gonna get mad, nor you"re gonna break my heart, nor Im gonna need a psychologist specialized in relationships hahaha be honest

She: *A shitty joke about mine (the one about the psycholgist)* haha it is not a problem with your body haha it is just that I think that we are not for each other (In reality she didnt tell me that "we dont connect too much" the thing is that at first i didnt know how to correctly translate haha)

I:Idk... I had never felt something so special when stroking a neck. Maybe we should not lose everything after the destiny made that the touch of my fingers and your hear come across.
I: oh well it was Obvious that it was not about my attractiveness hahaha na jokin'.
I: What I see is that you re not so sexually comfortable yet

She: Hahaha noo no I dont want to end up badly with you, coz I think you re so so nice
(she says so due to "Lose everything" (what i write))
She: maybe maybe hahaha

I: Ok ok agree... just friends (winks) hahahaha na jokin'
I: hahah I found it cute, coz I could see that you want something else, not just fucking
I: btw fuckk I didnt make you that question.. nothing sexual though haha
(It is a question that I told her on our 2nd date that I wanted to ask)

She: hahahah Ooo no way, I am really stubborn in that aspect
She: I have to think it over a lot before doing anything with a guy.
(I see here that she "passes into the hoop". like she tries to show complience with my expectations and standards.)
She: I am really curious for that question !

I: Wow how romantic.. I got my heart broken in the past for that reason.. I hate to say this but I am a Teddy bear inside haha
I: Well it is happening to me only with you.. but the thing is that Im really shy of asking it.

She: Hahaha wow yeah I am more romantic of what I'll ever admit
She: How weird coz it is usually the other way around.
She: come onnn askk pls

 

[andersen09]

Hey bossom,

Yes she's in auto-rejection.

I'm not sure if you ever dealt with low class salesman/business owners, but it feels just like that.
I recently when into rent out a car, and ALL the salesman in there flocked to me like bees on honey.
They were super friendly and 'interested' in my days or what I do, and when I told them I'm just looking and not really interested in car, POOF.
All they were interested in was 'money' and saw me as a dollar sign, and they'll be onto the next customer the same exact way.

But in the past, there was a salesman who treated me like a human being, and genuinely connected with me as a human being. I ordered a specialized FRS from Tokyo once and found out I was being deployed and had to cancel. He said no problem, gave me all of my funds back (even though he told me initial funds won't be refunded) he went out of his way to treat me like a human being. What I did after was refer everyone to that guy.

It's the same principle. SHE felt like you just saw her as a 'sex sign', which made her feel cheap and start putting barriers up to protect herself.

Second,

You trying to 'call it out' and explaining yourself isn't helping any to be honest.
She acts aloof and you're starting to CHASE and EXPLAIN/APOLOGIZING. Not a good move.

Solution in the future

Always adapt to how she feels. You may be leading her, but pace is always set by her. And how fast she lets you go comes down to your caliberation and adjustment to what the girl needs at the moment.

If she's nervous/tense, she's telling you, 'hey I like you, and I know what you're trying to do, and you're moving too fast for me'
So basically, get her more comfortable and don't worry about 'sex' as a goal cause it'll come naturally. You ONLY get friend-zoned, when she starts signaling that she's 'ready' for sex but you're too much of a pussy to make a move then and there.

Second, it's not the fact that you told her you slept with other women in a 'douchebag' way, it's that you were making her feel even MORE uncomfortable.

She wanted more comfort (she was nervous/anxious and needed more warmth) but by talking about other women in your life, she starts to get even MORE uncomfortable. Reinforcing thoughts such as 'oh he DOES want me only for sex' hence the distant treatment.

When she does go cold for you, there's only two options.

1. Become warm to her GRADUALLY and if you're connected in social media, just keep posting pictures of your 'cool' lifestyle. Build her curiosity slowly again. You almost in a sense have to help her see you as someone she can attain again, and it can't be done with words. "Hey I didn't mean that"
(You apologizing when she gets cold comes off as needy)
2. Go talk to other women.

Hope this helps

 

[andersen09]

I: I notice you distant

She: Idk.. I am really lazy on whatssap

She: It is gonna look like an excuse but lately I dont have time enough... due to my family who are in hardship, studies, the job..

She: The thing is that now I want to focus on my studies and helping my family

She: haha yes sure. You dont have to apologize, some things you told me impacted me a bit... but from the day that I met you I was really nice to meet you, for that reason I met up with you
She: Only thing is that now I dont see myself with time to be with someone in that way... but friends is terrific/cool !

She: Hahaha noo no I dont want to end up badly with you, coz I think you re so so nice
(she says so due to "Lose everything" (what i write))
She: maybe maybe hahaha

She: I have to think it over a lot before doing anything with a guy.

This is ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL BULLSHIT. She's treating you like a guy who's she's friend-zoning.
If you played your cards right, you'd be hearing her 'rationalizations'.

"omg, i don't usually do this often"
"I wonder when he's going to text me"
"God I finally met someone I met that can take my mind off of my family"

 

[bossom]

Hey bossom,

Yes she's in auto-rejection.

I'm not sure if you ever dealt with low class salesman/business owners, but it feels just like that.
I recently when into rent out a car, and ALL the salesman in there flocked to me like bees on honey.
They were super friendly and 'interested' in my days or what I do, and when I told them I'm just looking and not really interested in car, POOF.
All they were interested in was 'money' and saw me as a dollar sign, and they'll be onto the next customer the same exact way.

But in the past, there was a salesman who treated me like a human being, and genuinely connected with me as a human being. I ordered a specialized FRS from Tokyo once and found out I was being deployed and had to cancel. He said no problem, gave me all of my funds back (even though he told me initial funds won't be refunded) he went out of his way to treat me like a human being. What I did after was refer everyone to that guy.

It's the same principle. SHE felt like you just saw her as a 'sex sign', which made her feel cheap and start putting barriers up to protect herself.

Second,

You trying to 'call it out' and explaining yourself isn't helping any to be honest.
She acts aloof and you're starting to CHASE and EXPLAIN/APOLOGIZING. Not a good move.

Solution in the future

Always adapt to how she feels. You may be leading her, but pace is always set by her. And how fast she lets you go comes down to your caliberation and adjustment to what the girl needs at the moment.

If she's nervous/tense, she's telling you, 'hey I like you, and I know what you're trying to do, and you're moving too fast for me'
So basically, get her more comfortable and don't worry about 'sex' as a goal cause it'll come naturally. You ONLY get friend-zoned, when she starts signaling that she's 'ready' for sex but you're too much of a pussy to make a move then and there.

Second, it's not the fact that you told her you slept with other women in a 'douchebag' way, it's that you were making her feel even MORE uncomfortable.

She wanted more comfort (she was nervous/anxious and needed more warmth) but by talking about other women in your life, she starts to get even MORE uncomfortable. Reinforcing thoughts such as 'oh he DOES want me only for sex' hence the distant treatment.

When she does go cold for you, there's only two options.

1. Become warm to her GRADUALLY and if you're connected in social media, just keep posting pictures of your 'cool' lifestyle. Build her curiosity slowly again. You almost in a sense have to help her see you as someone she can attain again, and it can't be done with words. "Hey I didn't mean that"
(You apologizing when she gets cold comes off as needy)
2. Go talk to other women.

Hope this helps

Definetly thank you !!!!. Seriously, your words have been really inspiring for me.
Well yeah. I screwed up and I even made it worse at the beginning of the conversation when trying to justift myself (I realized later that I dont have to talk her into with arguments, I have to focus on solving her emotional state). And also when I started saying things like "Why dont u want to see me again?".. (that only made her come up with more excuses, and it solved nothing, it didnt change her emotional state at all. Indeed, it led her to finally say, as in the conversation is shown, that 'We are not for each other' and so on. I mean, to "Discard" me. To "Broke up".) I hope this serves as an example and help for those who read it haha
But i dont think it is over.(thou she said so)
The thing is... How do I do that? In few messages if possible, because her phone is broken and she lasts hours in responding (me too). What would you say to her?
The lasts messages have been:

I: Well.. I understand that u were distant.. you must have felt used and rejected.
She: Yes, it is not exactly how I'd define it but it is the same yea

I want to go on with this message:
Well I dont want you to be "the girl I met at the nightclub". I want this lovely girl to be something more. I let you some days to think it over. If your heart tells you to take the risk with me, just message me (But dont last too much, Im not gonna be here forever haha)

Ok maybe I'll write that between parenthesis in a softer way. Haha

(Btw: Unfortunately she is not on social media.)

 

[andersen09]

I: Well.. I understand that u were distant.. you must have felt used and rejected.
She: Yes, it is not exactly how I'd define it but it is the same yea

I want to go on with this message:
Well I dont want you to be "the girl I met at the nightclub". I want this lovely girl to be something more. I let you some days to think it over. If your heart tells you to take the risk with me, just message me (But dont last too much, Im not gonna be here forever haha)

Ok maybe I'll write that between parenthesis in a softer way. Haha

Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't Don't. You're digging your own grave.
Go meet other women.

What a lot of guys do is, they try to text "I need to act like I don't need you, but still texting you because I hope there's a chance"

Girls see through this.

If I was in your situation, I'd just own it and not justify.
"Sometimes a man wants what he wants, and I'm sorry things didn't work out between us. I'll keep in touch"

I made a mistake, but I'm not gonna try to explain myself for having sexual desires and wanting to fuck her, no matter how I go about expressing that.

When a guy tries to 'explain', it comes from a weak position in this case.
WHATEVER vocabulary you use, you're telling her,

Him: "Please, here are my reasons why you should give me another chance."
Her: "NOPE, you were nice though"

Go meet more women. That's literally the only way now.