Lack of Social Skills and How I Can Fix Them

[buffalox]

I've found this site and Chase's insights to be very valuable in getting me out there talking to people and women in particular. But recently I've been realizing that my social circle is way too small and my options for social interactions are very lacking. This has made making any more progress with women very difficult.

Right now I have one good friend and a handful of friends I see occasionally. Almost all of these friends are actually friends of my good friend. So I'm sure you can see how limiting this social circle is.

I moved to this new city 6 months ago and have found it very difficult making new friends. Most of my social interactions are surface only and don't go very deep, even if I want them to. I think it just comes down to my lack of social skills.

I need some assistance in learning what to say and how to keep conversations going. It's easy to read Chase's articles on being a conversationalist but when I'm in the moment I often find that I cannot figure out what to say (my mind is blank) or if I do get a conversation going it often dies within a few minutes.

As a result of my poor social skills, most people are hard pressed to remember me much less my name.

Does anyone have some recommendations on classes, workshops, mentors, or books/websites (less ideal) that can help me with this? I would really prefer something in person as I need to practice my social skills and just reading about things doesn't really advance my skills.

 

[Smith]

Hi buffalox,
I'm going to start by saying that I was in your situation not long ago, and I understand how you feel. When I first started out, I was thinking very hard about any cool conversation topics that will make people remember me, but in the end I realized that it's more about the feeling you created and how much you can connect with another person. Here's a few tips I think would be good for you start out with, and I am sure you have already read these on Chase's articles.

1. Deep diving - understand why and how another person did something helps you connect. Ask questions.

2. Humor - find a type of humor that suits your style and sprinkle it in to lighten up the conversation. Just remember don't insult the other person.

3. active listening - relate back to the person with stories of your own, so the conversation doesn't seem like a one-way traffic. Be warm, non-judgemental, positive and constructive. One of my goals back then was to never finish a conversation with a simple answer like "yea", "OK"...etc because it's rude.

4. topics - start from something simple or relevant to your environment, then you can dive deeper or change the topic to whatever you guys mentioned during the conversation. (this is why you have to be actively listening all the time, so you don't run out of topics. I had the same problem of running out of things to say when I first started out, and that's because I wasn't actually listening to the other person at all. My mind was too busy trying to figure out our next topic.)

5. Have fun - The conversation doesn't have to be serious. Talking to people should be fun and no stress. If you're not enjoying it, then the other person is probably not enjoying it as well.

These are just helping you to get started! You can basically talk to anyone around you, e.g. when you're waiting in line or at a bus stop or even talk to the store assistants. The thing is you don't have to walk away with their number or even befriend them if you don't want to. It's just practice for fun. There are no severe consequences! (unless you really offended the other person but even if you did, life would still be OK). As Chase said in his article, it takes constant practice (Just like anything in life) to become a good conversationist. Another thing you need to remember is your eye contact. (Read Chase's article on this if you haven't already)
If you want to make more friends, I don't know how old your are, but I would suggest joining some clubs you are interested in or just try out new things like signing up for salsa lessons and GO ALONE. It's a great way to meet new people, especially women! Keep pushing your comfort zone! It's the only way to improve ourselves.
Hope this help!

Smith

 

[Mr.Rob]

Sup Buffalox, I agree with you in the fact that if you're an absolute beginner without many reference points its kind of hard to get a real feel for the correct way to apply the stuff you're reading about.

A lot of times its easy to say you did xyz from the article and it didn't go well when in reality there was an entirely different problem that needed to be addressed.

I guess that doesn't help a ton lol.

I'm going to link you to this http://www.yourcharismacoach.com/ and it gives a visual explanation and examples of how to apply the same basic conversation concepts that you're learning here. Go through the previous pages of old video articles this guy has done and watch the ones that you feel like apply to you best. Probably getting past small talk and keeping a conversation going would be a good place to start.

Another thing to look out for is this guys vibe and the emotions that he projects onto the people that he speaks with. If you see something he does that you like that gets him a good reception steal it for yourself. Try it out a couple times and if you get good receptions from it adapt it to your socializing habits!

Hopefully this was something you were looking for.

Also if you think you're in need of 1 on 1 coaching there's no shame in hiring a coach, given that you have the finances it could be a invaluable investment to your life.

Cheers,

-Rob

 

[buffalox]

Hi Smith,

Thanks for the insights. Those do help.

I would say one of the areas I always have problems with is the next conversation topic. I know you want to keep the focus on them, as much as you can, but I often think to myself, "well what else would this person like to talk about"? It usually doesn't go well when I start thinking this because before long, I've let the conversation die. Thread cutting and steering conversations to other topics is another area that find very difficult. Got any advice for how to improve these?

Hi Rob,

I definitely like the videos from http://www.yourcharismacoach.com/ those do help a lot. Thanks!

Probably the only thing that's a bit tough is seeing both his face and her face when he's interacting. These real world visuals are the kinds of things that I do need.

I would be up for someone to do 1-on-1 coaching but I do have concerns about how good the coach would be (especially after reading Chase's How to Find a Mentor article) and how much it would cost to get me to a place where I could move on with only the information from girlschase and normal social interactions.

Thanks again to both of you!

 

[Smith]

Hi,
For your normal every day conversation, the topics are endless. The topics can go from the latest movie that's coming out to even things like food. The important thing is to be able to relate back to the other person and focus on the things that you read on GC. Don't try too hard! Just imagine you're having a conversation with an old friend. You don't need to keep thinking about the next topic. You just go with the flow Active listening deals with not only what the person is saying but also what they are feeling and be able to relate back to them. I usually just pick up the next topic during the conversation. I will deep dive more about the things they say, and if they mention something interesting then that will be our next topic. It takes practice and you DO have to keep pushing yourself out of your comfort zone, little by little, and it means start talking to strangers whenever you can. You don't have to have a long conversation with them. Just need to overcome your approach anxiety and feel comfortable at making conversations with strangers. Remember be warm and non-judgemental.
The website rob mentioned is really good. Download his e-book, which is free. There's a topic on how to never run out of things to say, which basically tells you that just say any random stuff that your brain think of and be creative with it. Sometimes we limit ourselves by not saying the things in our mind so we don't look stupid, but who cares? As long as you both are having fun, that's what conversation is all about.
But since you're just a beginner, having a list of questions to fall back on in case you run out of things to say is not a bad idea, but usually they are not as good as the stuff you are thinking about in that moment. Be spontaneous is always better

For talking with women, you should check out Chase's article on the 8 questions you should ask them. Memorize it! incorporate it into your conversation. Overtime, it will seem natural. Also talk to women on an emotional level. Just things that interest them, e.g. their dream, work, what they inspired to be, their childhood...etc.

Pay attention to people around you who are great at making conversations, even strangers. Listen to what they are talking about, and pay attention to how they transit from one topic to the next. It can be random sometimes, but no one will blame you for that! Just make sure you don't cut people off when they're talking.

Have fun! Don't over think things! Us humans are social creatures after all!

Cheers
Smith

 

[buffalox]

I've found having a positive attitude and just talking to people about what ever is around has been working fairly well. I'll keep working on it!

Thanks again for the tips Smith!