Lacking connection with others

[CaptainHenley]

This has been quite the problem for me.

The case is as follows:

A ton of times, when talking with people, both parties feel disconnected from each other. We don't have a lot of common things to talk about. My experiences are quite different, my interests not the same.

So many people have interesting things to say, and I love talking with everyone I can find. I find it truly fascinating, to be able to see things from another point of view, thus getting rid of any bitterness(I was lucky to not be bitter in the first place, but everyone can improve).My problem is, that I frequently dont connect enough with others to reach that point , especially with girls. I dont like to mention things about myself, as I feel that it is a huge waste of time, time that can be used to make awesome conversations and find out about the other person.

When I am myself, using the things I have learned here, I feel that others are intimidated by my character. Maybe they find it too ambitious, or they sense they are not good enough for me, which is utter nonsense, since I appreciate the majority of the people I meet. So they autoreject me, even guys when it comes to friendships.

Trying to tone it down,so I can be more relatable, I often end up acting like a pushover, and people lose their respect for me.

I cant seem to find balance.
Plus, most of the times, even when I deep dive the other person, use tease or whatever, I feel it, I see it in their eyes, that they dont really feel that we belong together. That one of us is something allien.

I read the article about "dumb girls", but stil feel the problem is there.

(Just to clarify, things have been going pretty well for me, especially after I found this site. If looked by a third party, one could say I dont really face any problems. But I am not getting the results I would like, and I feel this is a huge sticking point, if I want to have the success that can be achieved through this knowledge.)

Thoughts?

 

[Burning_slow]

Hi CaptainHenly,

A ton of times, when talking with people, both parties feel disconnected from each other. We don't have a lot of common things to talk about. My experiences are quite different, my interests not the same.

Yeah, I used to get that a lot. Actually, I still get it often. The material on this site is valuable to us and this is how come the esteem we give it reflects on our self perception (especially when we have results to show), so we act like we know something that others don't. It's great and healthy.

To deal with that false sense of connection though, you'd have to shed off your ego a bit. It's not about you or your fellow human being in the fickle conversation you had over at the store or while on lunch break in the office. Training my mind to look at the big picture and realising that as Hector described, it's all a divine comedy. In other words, the script is unwritten (or written as in a case of an office or seduction) however, it's a role play and the choice is given you or you choose it. This not only allows me to relax and typically decide how to make my interactions go, I also steer clear of reactions and look for how to add value to the group. For me, I know I am making a connection when someone else thinks they would want to add value to me in the social context of that moment. Like when they try to tease so as to keep me included in the group banter, or when they offer me a seat when I walk in, or when I ask for a little compliance (from a male or female), and they easily respond.

If someone gets shifty eyes, when I directly speak to them, I usually take note that I may have gone too far and go quiet to allow others display the direction they all want to go, before continuing to engage in the dynamic.

Trying to tone it down,so I can be more relatable, I often end up acting like a pushover, and people lose their respect for me.

Reference points are golden for these to know what faux pax to make or avoid but never be frightened about the outcome, only talk to a minimum and when you sense you're being demeaned, stir some passion by speaking about something that everybody can relate to : e.g. money.

There's much more to add but hope this stirs your pot a bit.

Myself.