We went hiking on another mountain on Monday, had a tent and wanted to sleep over, we just ended up fucking and talking till the morning. After that she initiated another meet on Friday, which I didn't have time for then she basically initiated another meet on Sunday.
As it says in the report, she wanted to sleep over the first night I met her, I declined, because I didn't want to catch the feelz but here we are. After the second time I saw her on Monday, she kept popping up in my mind. I got random thoughts of sex we had in the middle of the day, then I started being scared of getting hurt by her or hurting her. I knew she wants to see me, I know I want to see her, but I intentionally postponed the meet till Sunday, so it's not too soon. Friday and Saturday I really got into my head thinking I want to see her, getting scared again, uncertain about my future, what I want...
Ideally I would get a fuckbuddy or two, occasionally sleep with other girls while I'm still living here. I eventually want to get consistent good at one night stands, but I know the city I live in is not an ideal place to do that. Just that clubs kinda suck and less people that know each other. I mean it's doable but compared to when I lived in Budapest, just a different story, no comparison.
So yeah my idea was to focus on other areas in my life this year anyway and get back to pick up once I find myself in more favorable learning environment with a better return to investment ratio. Plan is to A get admitted to another masters in elite uni in London or B if that fails (I don't plan failing but anyway) in 2 years get an online source of income then start moving around Europe, figuring out where I like to live the most, writing music, playing gigs and picking up girls.
So from this perspective it makes sense to get a girlfriend for the time being. What scares me though is me getting too attached, getting stupid ideas in my mind. Like starting to invest too much energy into this girl, getting blurry vision as far as my goals go. Then the possibility of making her a kid. I know it sound ridiculous, the thing is I was having random thoughts even before I met this girl that I kinda want to make a kid, but don't want to take care of it. Completely irrational, just my instincts talking. But that's the thing all of this is just chemicals in my brain and I'm not sure I trust myself. I know I'll stay on my course for the long run, I just don't want any unnecessary turns.
Thats me. She was telling me she enjoys her freedom she likes traveling and thats what I like about her. But she values family above all else and she knows she wants kids and eventually she'll get them and leave the traveling behind. We also connect well with this girl, we both share the same open mindedness and I like that she likes sport, I wanted to do sports with someone for a long time now, but all my friends are unfortunately lazy. She is also a great communicator.
She is kind of the same or more sexually experienced then me. As far as I understood her she had 2 or 3 boyfriends then started traveling then had more casual flings recently. Now she's seeing this couple she's having threesomes with and has another dude in another country but that will end soon if it didn't already. I actually didn't care... until she asked me if I wanted to see pics they did with this couple, she thought they were hot.
This was yesterday when she came to mine as we planned. We already had sex 2 times this evening prior to this coming up.
After I saw the pic something changed in me, all of the sudden I didn't feel so sexually liberated anymore, I felt like like less of a man seeing another man with her. I know, I know, I know this girl for 10 days. Started bothering me that I feel something like this, like jealousy, honestly I don't know. Felt like I was less of a man. I told her, I rather wouldn't have seen the pic.
Then this got me vulnerable. I told her I like her open attitude to exploring sexuality, it's one of the things I value about her but at the same time I felt like less of a man seeing that. Also I told her (mistake???) she probably thinks (she thought I get a new girl a week) I fuck more than I actually do. I told her very inconsistent sometimes weekly sometimes monthly, but more like monthly.
Still a lie because it's more like a couple months but who cares??? I get this weird need to be honest but she doesn't need to know, honestly she doesn't even care. Probably it's just me who feels sexually inferior even though that is not true as well... I do little dvs with girls I sleep with but I don't see them again usually and I do start feeling ''smaller'' when I think a girl is more experienced then me... My problem, I need to do something about it and I digress... Scarcity basically, nothing I can really do about it right now... Fuck another girl soon but it's not in my complete control sadly and I intend to continue going out. These are my thoughts, not something I told her.
Then I told her I though about her and figured we'll probably both get hurt in the end but what are the options? End it now while it hurts less or let it run it's course. I chose to let it run it's course. It would be sad to just run away because getting hurt is how you learn in life anyway.
She then admitted she wanted to see me every day, couldn't hold herself back, couldn't stop thinking about me. She got relieved hearing me talk about it. Then asked me 2 things... If I meant a relationship which I eagerly denied to just me being afraid of myself. Let this stay fuckbuddies and let her do what she wants it's just me being honest about my feelings (sounds gay when I write it).
Asked me if I feel jealousy like she wanted me to feel jealous, to admit I feel anything about her I think. I declined, told her I don't know what it is, maybe some kind of jealousy I guess, I don't know. She was again very understanding, related that she knows because we all want to be the best choices for our present lovers, we're just afraid to ask because we might get hurt.
She told me she got scared of how much she likes me. She is planning a big trip soon that will be a month long and is already thinking of cutting it short so she can get back in time to catch one of my concerts. Then next day she is going to see this threesome couple at the sea side and it was not really ideal to see me today (logistically and emotionally) but she wanted anyways because I'm her priority. She feels like there's nothing that could happen out of other lovers she has but thinks that there might be potential in me.
I let her sleep over this time, let this be what it may.
I had a short errand to take care of this morning, I let her sleep, then came back and had sex again. She stayed till the last minute and probably would even longer and would be late for her train. Hell if I told her maybe she could've even canceled the thing. But I don't want that. Right now I want it that she gets fucked by another guy, forgets me and I feel the pain knowing what's going on and forget her a little as well.
www.skilledseducer.com