Life advice / relationship issue / logistics

[ray_zorse]

Hey homes,

My life is a little complicated right now and I'd appreciate your thoughts on what to do next.

So I have an LTR with a pretty good girl, or so I thought until recently, the problem is that drama seems to have crept into the relationship by stealth... it's a bit of a complicated story how it led to this, I'm pretty much a fanatic about relationship management and I can clearly see my mistakes (made with the best of intentions) but I won't go into that now. I will just say that recently she caused drama on a night out with my friends and made me look a dick. I didn't know where she was, I assumed she had gone home or met someone... so I texted her and moved the group to a different club, whereupon she appeared, cracked the shits at me and disappeared until the next day. Since we are living together I was kind of worried, I had no idea when I would hear from her again because there's kind of a pattern that if she cracks the shits she goes and stays in her room elsewhere for some days without contacting me, then randomly turns up again saying she's going to break up with me, I say "okay, if that's your decision then that's fine, it isn't what I would have chosen but whatever you like", and then pretty soon she's sorry and blahblahblah...

You know, all this I can handle, it's relationship management 101... just don't reward the drama, don't supplicate, ignore her for a bit, don't have sex with her and don't reward it all with makeup sex, don't get drawn into any anger or recriminations, just remain calm and try to talk through the issues as Franco would recommend... admit to any wrongdoing on my part, but don't get drawn into her drama. But what I'm finding hard to handle is that each time it happens I take a day or two to adjust to being single, I set up some hangouts with my friends, maybe do some approaching and set up some dates etc... and then voila, randomly she's back expecting everything is okay again, so I have to cancel my dates and include her in my hangouts with my friends that I had already organized... which tends to produce more drama, even though I firmly tell her that if she'd been around I would have consulted her, but she was not around and I didn't know when she'd be back, so I went ahead and made my own plans. Bullshit... I was strongly considering telling her this time that it's not on, everything isn't fine again, and I have plans she isn't included in.

So now my gf is sorry, we have made up and life's returned to normal, but I have two tentative dates, one is with someone I kissed last year and again the other night (some time after incident with my gf in the club)... the other is with a girl I approached in the gym the next morning, she's really nice and friendly and has a hot body... I nearly didn't approach because of AA, was just watching her on a machine in front of me and feeling an incredible lust for her and trying to look away... but when she gave me an IOI later I smashed it and grabbed number, now she's enthusiastically texting me. I suggested Botanic Gardens and she's very down. How to capitalize? I'm sick of throwing away opportunities! Logistically it's a pain in the ass because my gf is home nearly all the time, and the situation is fucked up with her so I don't want to make it worse unless she makes it worse herself (e.g. by going through my phone which I think she might be doing)... so what should I do, is it morally okay to go ahead with this (from the viewpoint of my gf who thinks we are in a r/ship again, and from the viewpoint of the other girl who probably thinks I am single and available), and should I try to get her into my car after the gardens, try to go to hers, try to get a hotel or what? Should I conceal that I'm in a r/ship? Hmm.

Ray

PS. The normal GC advice would be "if she's causing drama punish her by not contacting her for 10 days or NEXT her if it's NEXTable offence"... I'm well aware of this. Problem is (a) we are living together and that removes a lot of your relationship management tools (b) she is pregnant and I am keen to provide a stable home for my child and I'm willing to put up with some bullshit to make this happen (c) even if we break up I still have to marry her and help her get citizenship so I can see my child.

 

[Drck]

She's a drama queen. Move your watches 10 years into the future, take magnifying glass, and what do you see? The same drama, this time magnified. It won't change.

 

[pks391]

Ray,
It seems to me your main issue here was what to do during the interim period i.e. the period when she pulls away from you and talks about breaking up.
This may sound stupid but do you think it could be pregnancy hormones that is causing the extra outbursts of drama? Something that might help you understand this better: http://www.whattoexpect.com/pregnancy/a ... wings.aspx
You want to be the strong independent male, that is probably causing the dilemma of you getting frustrated when she returns and you have to cancel all your plans.
It also seems to me that you want both to keep the cake and eat it. I mean, you could either go forward with your plans and upset her or don't go with the plans you made and let a bit of drama in, either one, you cannot have both without breaking your head........or there is a third possibility to set up plans and get through with them after telling your gf or by lying to her and going forward anyway.....ultimately its all about your priorities right? Its healthier to want one rather than both.
I mean that if you love your gf and you know that her outbursts are normal but a bit increased, do you really think you should go out humping chicks you met during the interim period?
I haven't been married or in your situation so i cannot totally empathize with you. But, i can tell you my opinion on the matter.

(a) we are living together and that removes a lot of your relationship management tools

You're right about that, but i think our forum has a section on LTR/marriage issues......although i don't know whether you already knew this or if your specific problem is addressed there.

(b) she is pregnant and I am keen to provide a stable home for my child and I'm willing to put up with some bullshit to make this happen

If you really want this and still want to go for the girl who's texting you even for a one time rump, then i suggest you do some weighing of pros and cons here. If it doesn't impact your conscience in the future, then its okay.

(c) even if we break up I still have to marry her and help her get citizenship so I can see my child.

You wish to marry her right? So sooner or later, you have to deal with all of these issues or as Drck says, something even more magnified.
Although, idk whether i could explain what i wanted to say to you correctly......

 

[ray_zorse]

Thanks guys for the input, I will respond properly later. For now an update -- so I went on the date, I set up the hangout for today in the gardens and spent 1hr 45min there on a rug I brought, sipping some tea etc. It was pretty platonic b/c I was out of practice but also followed a pattern like a major stumbling block I'd dealt with but not fully resolved, my eye contact and vibe not smouldering enough, missed sexual framing opportunities and moved too slow, by the time I got to stuff like taking her hand I think she'd already lost sexual attraction and resisted my touch. Ehh on the other hand I still really like her and I think she could be a great business contact / running buddy / whatever so I am not dissatisfied, just happy she gave me the opportunity to try for the lay. I suppose I couldn't rule out that she may have bf zoned me but I suspect it's more likely friendzone. Overall I really enjoyed the date.
Ray
PS I may have also been a bit intimidated cos I hadn't seen her in makeup and nice clothes before, only workout gear. It changed my perception of her since she looked like a successful businesswoman (which she is) and more like a lady than a silly and cute girl that I could boss around and manipulate. It's all just perception though, I need to be better at keeping my frame in such situations. Good reference point.

 

[Seppuku]

Hey Ray,

Sorry to hear about the problems you're facing. I'm going to leave out the new girl date question and focus on the main issue.

My gut reaction is that you should react in a stronger, tougher way, with your GF. If you react mildly then it's blank check for her to do it again next time. Actually, it could even be that she wants you to handle her stronger.

* She's nowhere to be seen, so you text her and move to a different place with your friend. She pops back and give you drama in front of your friends and make you "look like a dick". This is a no. She was not here, you informed her of the move, you have nothing to blame yourself for.

* Then she disappears for a few days, giving no news. You make plans with your friends (or dates). She reappears and you have to cancel everything. This is a no. You should seek to keep a part of freedom in your own life, from the onset of the relationship. That includes meeting your friends when you want to, and especially when she disappears for days without giving news. You made plans, don't cancel them.

She's lowering your status in front of your friends. You're canceling your plans just to be with her. She's using the fact that she's pregnant to induce feelings of guilt in you, and make you dependent on her. In their attempts to take control over their man, women can be incredibly tough (I have seen it, and see it even clearer now). You cannot afford a mild response. Recognize that she is very tough with you, and you need to be tougher.

You absolutely need to draw a firm line. In fact, you have nothing to lose, because, exactly as Drck said, just think how this will evolve in ten years time, and just think if this is really what you want. I guess it's not a relationship where you're not permitted to even see your friends. The current problem is likely to weight for years in the relationship, and should be addressed now.

I would suggest this. First take some time off her and let her ponder. She won't go anywhere, don't worry. Then arrange to see her and make it crystal clear to her what the deal is: you take care of her, in return she treats you well, physically and emotionally.

I hope this helps!

Cheers,
Seppuku

PS. you should immediately start to go out and see your friends independently of her.

 

[Marcellus]

Even if you break up with her you still have to marry her?

I don't understand, does that mean that you have no actual way of leaving this woman?