List the Traits You Look for in Girlfriends and Casual Partners

[TheEcho]

Hey Gents!

Thought it would be useful to list out the preferences we have for the women we bring into our lives, in one place where we can compare notes and likely learn some traits we like/dislike, that we weren't aware of before, from other guys' preferences. I'll split mine into the 2 categories Chase recommends: girlfriend material and easy lay partners

These lists will certainly evolve over time (and picking up things you guys list):

Easy Lay/Casual Partners:

• Quirky
  Short
  Big butt
  Flirty
  Experienced
  At least in moderate shape (not too much extra fat, if any)
  Has her own place (while I still work on getting my own)

Girlfriends:

• Cutesy
  Almost my height
  Big, firm butt
  C'ish cup
  Intelligent
  Kindhearted
  Ambitious
  Lower partner count (ideally under 3)
  Must be into fitness
  Flexible
  Her own place isn't necessary (once I'm passed college age, this will change)
  Comes from a stable background

What are your guys' preferences?

Take care, gents!
-Josh

 

[kristian]

Nice post and good that you're making us think about this. For a long time, I did not know what I wanted, so I had the tendency to end up dating girls I just wanted to hook up with.

I rarely do casual sex now, mostly because of the tendency to attach myself emotionally when you mix sex in a friendship and some of the drama that comes with it. But from my viewpoint this is what I look for.

Casual partner:

*Must have some sort of emotional connection. Humor and banter is important.
*Nice body. She must also be sexually experienced or have almost no inhibitions.
*As far from my social circle as possible. Preferably someone from cold approach, but a girl from the periphery works as well.
*Must also respect my boundaries and not try to rope me into a relationship.
*Younger girls.

Girlfriend
*Life experience is key. She must have had a couple of long-term relationships under her belt. That makes her understand what it means to be monogamous and committed. It doesn't matter if they failed as long as she learned the lessons from them and is not afraid to try again.
*I move as fast as possible with every girl no matter what. It's important for me to be honest about my sexual past to make them open themselves and tell me about theirs.
*As long as she don't have a history with cheating it doesn't matter if she had 2 or 20 sexual partners.
*She doesn't drink, party or club. And the majority of her friends must be female. It cuts out unnecessary drama.
*Nice body.
*It doesn't matter if she has some inhibitions in bed. It's actually a turn on for me, as I love to be her first experience with certain things (anal, threesomes, BJ and so on).
*Devoted and loyal (you can often see it in interactions with friends and family) another question I ask myself is; hows her relationship with her exes? Does she hates them? Is it a lot of drama there? Or did she move on gracefully when it didn't work? That says a lot about how she'll treat you.
*A good relationship with her father is important.

 

[kristian]

Nice post and good that you're making us think about this. For a long time, I did not know what I wanted, so I had the tendency to end up dating girls I just wanted to hook up with.

I rarely do casual sex now, mostly because of the tendency to attach myself emotionally when you mix sex in a friendship and some of the drama that comes with it. So its either ONS or committed relationships. But from my viewpoint this is what I look for.

Casual partner:

*Must have some sort of emotional connection. Humor and banter is important.
*Nice body. She must also be sexually experienced or have almost no inhibitions.
*As far from my social circle as possible. Preferably someone from cold approach, but a girl from the periphery works as well.
*Must also respect my boundaries and not try to rope me into a relationship.
*Younger girls.

Girlfriend
*Life experience is key. She must have had a couple of long-term relationships under her belt. That makes her understand what it means to be monogamous and committed. It doesn't matter if they failed as long as she learned the lessons from them and is not afraid to try again.
*I move as fast as possible with every girl no matter what. It's important for me to be honest about my sexual past to make them open themselves and tell me about theirs.
*As long as she don't have a history with cheating it doesn't matter if she had 2 or 20 sexual partners.
*She doesn't drink, party or club. And the majority of her friends must be female. It cuts out unnecessary drama.
*Nice body.
*It doesn't matter if she has some inhibitions in bed. It's actually a turn on for me, as I love to be her first experience with certain things (anal, threesomes, BJ and so on).
*Devoted and loyal (you can often see it in interactions with friends and family) another question I ask myself is; hows her relationship with her exes? Does she hates them? Is it a lot of drama there? Or did she move on gracefully when it didn't work? That says a lot about how she'll treat you.
*A good relationship with her father is important.

 

[Seppuku]

Hey guys,

It's a nice list for a start. I would add a few comments.

casual vs. girlfriend: For me there won't be any difference in requirements. Because I start them all casual before upgrading them to girlfriend. You really got to know the person you're dating / fucking before giving her the girlfriend status.

LTR requirements: if she is LTR material, and this could potentially evolve into a relationship spanning multiple years, then you've got to consider her attitude vs. money. This is a huge relationship killer and cannot be ignored. You both need to be very much in sync on this topic. Are you a "save and build the future" kind of guy? Then make sure that she's not a "spend now cause life is so short" girl. Or vice versa. You guys need to be on the same page. Else, the relationship is up for big troubles. Like you work hard, save, and she goes to the store and spend what you saved in expensive clothes.

More food for thought:
* What motivates her? Power? Family? Social status? Social life? You guys need to be in line with each other.
* What is her current bond with her family? Are you going to see 15 members of her family show up one day at your place for a week of sleepover? Or will you have to support them financially, in addition to her? (Sounds crazy? But this happens in real life. You don't want to find it out *after* the wedding)
* The most important: her ability to give you a relatively *drama free* relationship.

Just to fuel the discussion.

Cheers,
Seppuku

 

[Lotus]

casual vs. girlfriend: For me there won't be any difference in requirements. Because I start them all casual before upgrading them to girlfriend. You really got to know the person you're dating / fucking before giving her the girlfriend status.

Agreed. I'd also like to add that if right off the bat you decide a girl is "relationship material" you're going to treat her differently than someone you see as just "casual".That label in your mind puts her on a pedestal, in a relative sense, and your going to let her get away with more.

The beginning of the relationship is the most important time to set your boundaries, and once set, they typically only move one way.

Lotus

 

[kristian]

Agreed. I'd also like to add that if right off the bat you decide a girl is "relationship material" you're going to treat her differently than someone you see as just "casual".That label in your mind puts her on a pedestal, in a relative sense, and you're going to let her get away with more.

The beginning of the relationship is the most important time to set your boundaries, and once set, they typically only move one way.

Interesting what you're saying there. I haven't thought of it that way since I usually start viewing girls with girlfriend traits as gf-candidates pretty early on (usually within weeks).

But it's pretty difficult not to view them that way once you have this "love at first sight"-feeling which, for me, only happens a couple of times a year- no matter how many approaches I make.

So how do you curb your enthusiasm with girls like these? I usually never end up dating girls seriously unless there are sparks through the roof on our very first meeting. And since those incidents are so rare it feels difficult not to girlfriend zone them early on...

It also feels like this happens both ways when I have such rare encounters. It makes them view me the same way since we both reflect each other in a way.

 

[TheEcho]

So much food for thought! Definitely showing me the importance of the "way" a girl is (her mentalities) vs "how" she is (looks/features). I've seen the girl from my last LR a few times now and it's getting clear that I value independence in myself and a girl, strong work ethic, intelligence and social grace. I'm curious, how can you tell she will be drama free?

About "girlfriend-zoning" I don't think there's much risk so long as your base mentalities about girls are that they love to be teased and fucked well. If you suddenly start clamming up, it may be your mentality is still influenced by society at large (Disney love stories/you must be the best provider).

Keep it going guys, this is great!

-Josh

 

[Lotus]

But it's pretty difficult not to view them that way once you have this "love at first sight"-feeling which, for me, only happens a couple of times a year- no matter how many approaches I make.

Remember, that feeling is just a feeling. An emotion. It can be created and re-created by you or her. But that feeling itself doesn't mean someone qualifies as a long term partner.

The really important qualities for longer term relationships aren't easily determined within a couple weeks anyway. If she knows you are looking for a relationship, she can shape herself to be exactly what you want... with words. But as we know with women, don't pay attention to what they say. Pay attention to what they do.

My point being, many important aspects of her personality may not come out within the beginning phases of a relationship. Especially if she knows you are looking for something substantial.

And if your thinking it.... she's going to know. You will speak your intentions through your actions. Not large "Disney Channel" distinctions, we're talking about subtle differences.

If we accept the premise that women will become like water and bend to what they think you want, than the easiest way to find out who they are, is not to put them in a vase.
-If someone has the link to the "women are water" post please share

If you treat all girls like casuals, they are going to tell you things they would never ever tell a guy who is courting them. When you are courting them, or they think you are, they won't tell you their dirty dark secrets.

So how do you curb your enthusiasm with girls like these?

Understand that these feelings don't determine a girls relationship value. The feelings can be recreated by anyone, anywhere. Once you understand that, at your core, the feelings will cease to have power over you.

About "girlfriend-zoning" I don't think there's much risk so long as your base mentalities about girls are that they love to be teased and fucked well. If you suddenly start clamming up, it may be your mentality is still influenced by society at large (Disney love stories/you must be the best provider).

We're not talking about clamming up. We're talking about the lens that you see each other through and it's affect how you interact. A "casual" lens, and a "relationship" lens are going to lead to different actions and outcomes.

I haven't been writing as much as I'd like recently, so let me know I need to clarify.

-Lotus

 

[kristian]

For those who haven't read that post, here it is: https://boards.girlschase.com/viewtopic.php?f=6&t=8541

YOU are the one setting the Frame whether you realize it or not; that's how Nature divided the sexes. The man is ALWAYS setting the frame.

Perhaps the most painful but at the same time most liberating truth I ever read since embarking this journey.

If you treat all girls like casuals, they are going to tell you things they would never ever tell a guy who is courting them. When you are courting them, or they think you are, they won't tell you their dirty dark secrets.

This has been easy with girls I am not that into. However, the one I am currently dating is perceived as better than what I am used to. I introduced myself as a lover when we first started, but quickly started treating her more like a gf. At the same time I am getting more attention from girls at her same level, I guess I am experiencing the pick-up paradox that Chase mentioned in the post Why Guys Drop Out of the Game Right Before Breaking Through
https://boards.girlschase.com/viewtopic.php?f=6&t=12013

From that post:

At the same time, the girl seems to be able to tell this guy’s about to break through but hasn’t yet, and breaks out her bargain-hunter boots and locks him down in a slightly-needy “I can tell he’s about to zip off and leave me behind – but not if I lock him down first” way.

I can recognize this.

Understand that these feelings don't determine a girls relationship value. The feelings can be recreated by anyone, anywhere. Once you understand that, at your core, the feelings will cease to have power over you.

Now, how do you do that?

Not my intention to highjack this thread. But the first question made me really think a lot.

- Kristian

 

[PrettyDecent]

For anything beyond two times sleeping together:

- Must have a low partner count
- Doesn't drink, club, party, or do any other hedonistic activities
- Has a good family background
- We don't have mutual friends
- Older than 21

Nick

 

[Lover]

Being a hijacker myself now, sorry about that erpiaosn!

But I have to thank you, Lotus and Kristian, for your discussion so far, especially Lotus for his insights. I have been peeping in this thread a couple of times because I felt that to some degree I was in the same place as Kristian. I wanted to get some perspective on a girl I laid last month, but she has been hard to meet again.

I was viewing her with girlfriend-glasses until last night and giving her way more leeway than I had with fwb's. I'm trying to turn things around now.

I see why this is a bad place to get stucked at. You're leading things less, she's more in control of the pace etc... basically, you're letting her call the shots and playing it safe. But she doesn't want that.. Some of this also happened with my last lover: girlsfriend-glasses until I decided to go with casual glasses

But the number one thing that scares me the most about a girl I'm viewing with girlfriend-glasses, is losing her.. that's the worst place to be in

 

[kristian]

a-jay.

I am extremely glad I am not alone with this.

And for the glasses; I think it's about letting go. I know people here say meeting and sleeping with other girls makes you invest less. But that makes me more jealous and controlling (as a recovering cluster B- man, I have a past of cheating just for the slightest things and I project my own insecurities and starts drama). So I quit doing so and limit myself to flirting.

The real question is; can I date one girl, even knowing this and STILL have an abundance mindset? I will eventually get involved in a monogamous LTR. So Is it possible to have a strong frame? And still not be needy? Without having to cheat?

After days of thinking I came to the conclusion that having a passion outside women might be the number one medicine for this. For me, music has been it. It doesn't matter if I have a woman in my life or not as long as I find some sort of venue to express myself and grow in. That and solid fundamentals gives me automatically options. I can still approach if I want to, and the non-needy vibe I am giving around women makes them chase. A lot.

Now the real challenge is to distance myself a bit from the girl I am seeing. I am not saying its easy, but its getting a lot better - just by applying these two things I think less of her, invest less and the certainty that I can replace her is increasing day by day. All that without having to seek out and find women (which often just confuse me).

That for me is true abundance. You know you're enough. No matter how many women you have in your life. At least that's what I am aiming for.

I hope my answer helps. Please feel free to comment on this.

As a side note; "The vase" can also be applied to life in general. I am starting to realize that almost every situation can be turned in your favor (work, school, people around you etc) it's all about how you perceive them. It not just that women make themselves to what you see them as. This happens to all aspects and people in life.

Just love what this thread is turning into. <3

-Kristian

 

[Lotus]

Kristian,

Now, how do you do that?

Those "love at first sight" feelings are just you connecting with someone on another, deeper level than your typical conversation. You and her feel like you're the only people on the planet. To have that happen more often, you have to be able to connect and relate to a wider variety of audiences.

We live in a world where no one seeks to listen or understand each other. Everyone wants to judge, no one wants to listen. So when you go out and actually listen with the objective of understanding people will open up to you and tell you things.... things they don't share often. The more they talk the more they will feel connected to you(I wish I had that link as well).

There are plenty of people who are taller, stronger, better looking then you, but that's only a piece of the puzzle, because remember seduction is about making girls feel good. Make them feel good by giving them the attention....they feel...they deserve.

After days of thinking I came to the conclusion that having a passion outside women might be the number one medicine for this.

Easiest way for sure. Another analogy.... A chair, with 3 legs, is it more or less stable then one with 4 or 5?

What happens when the 3 legged chair loses a leg... well with 2 left, it's likely to fall. Just like a man, who's only leg to stand on is women. When that is gone he has nothing......

a-jay,

I see why this is a bad place to get stucked at. You're leading things less, she's more in control of the pace etc... basically, you're letting her call the shots and playing it safe.

Exactly, if you ever find yourself thinking "She's girlfriend material I'll give her a pass" it's no Bueno.

The traits I look for in a girlfriend:

-Loyal
-Reliable
-Feminine
-Experienced

I know this isn't the norm, but I've realized I much prefer a girl who knows what she wants in a man and I'm not sure she can really know what flavor she likes unless she's tasted a few.

I've never really understood why we advocate to be non-judgmental with women in order to sleep with them. But as soon as we want a relationship we turn around and say nah.... You've been with too many guys and there's a chance you will cheat on me.

In my opinion if you screen well and run a tight ship with all the tools we have here.... she won't cheat. I love sex, I want to date someone else that loves sex as much as I do.... or else I'll get bored.

-Lotus

 

[kristian]

Lotus wrote:

I've never really understood why we advocate to be non-judgmental with women in order to sleep with them. But as soon as we want a relationship we turn around and say nah.... You've been with too many guys and there's a chance you will cheat on me.

Agree. And by that logic, women who are serious about game and dating should never, ever date a guy like me who has a relatively high partner count and very few sexual inhibitions. But as you say we had to go through the grinding of meeting, seducing and having some kind of relationship with many women, cos how do you know where you stand and what you like without trying out different flavors?

I want a woman to choose me because she knows I am the best she can get, not out of desperation or that I was the only available option. There's a stark distinction between those two.

So thank you for pointing that out.