- Joined
- Jan 17, 2019
- Messages
- 774
This week, I lost two girls (one whom I slept with on the first date and another one who I’d been on three dates with over three weeks) with essentially the same text “I don’t think I’m feeling the connection that much”. These were two girls who both gave me a lot of chances so they must have really liked and been rooting for me – so the fact that they ended things has really forced me to do some serious soul searching to find out what is so deeply broken.
Even though I wrote FRs for both of these girls, I realize now that I omitted some critical details leading up to the points at which I think they lost interest, so I’d like to try again properly with some suggestions of what I think in retrospect I should have done.
Girl 1:
LR: Gorgeous brunette from Hinge (with disappointing end)
Summary leading up to the point I lost her: This girl (B) gave me (M) her number unsolicited online, thanked me for organizing a date, and when she came to the date was absolutely drop dead gorgeous! After a few hours, when we kissed for the first time she immediately suggested going back to mine. We did foreplay (I didn’t go down on her since she had an STI) but I was so nervous that I couldn’t get hard. After a while of this I started getting frustrated with myself and it must have showed.
We decided to call it a night and slept. She asked if I liked to spoon, I gave away my lack of experience by saying generally not but I like intertwining legs (complete lie but I thought it’d be alright, I haven’t had a girl sleep over since my LR from a few months ago and before that hadn’t had a girl stay the night for years) – we did that and it was so uncomfortable. I felt like a clueless 15-year-old!
The point I think I lost her:
Morning came, and we started making out again, and I started fingering her. I immediately got rock hard. She asked if I had a condom right away – she didn’t want any more foreplay and wanted to get straight to it. I grabbed a condom and lube, she applied it to herself and got on top. I lasted 20 seconds. After laying there fingering her for a while more, I had to get up to get ready for work. So I got up, showered, and had breakfast. When I got back, she was still lying in the bed naked, and she commented on how good I looked. At this point, I should have commented on how sexy she looked lying there in my bed and climbed on top of her again for another round – being late to work be damned. In the moment though I was too ashamed of my dismal performance and said I needed to get going soon. We lied down and talked for a few minutes, before we got up. I asked her if she wanted to shower or eat anything – she said it was ok. She changed and I dropped her off at her car and went to work. I was very quiet on the car ride, still thinking about my performance – I let it get into my head.
When we got to her stop, she gave me a “aww” sad face and said
I sent her a text after work saying I had a good time and hoping she would have an awesome trip and that I wanted to hear the crazy stories when she got back – she responded thanking me and saying that a drink would be nice when she got back. But if you read my comment on the LR you’ll see what happened next.
In summary – I let my bitterness and frustration win. I should have tried my damned hardest to get this girl off by going another round in the morning but I got in my own head and just stayed silent and ashamed – using the fact that I had to get to work (which I mean was legit but I could have gone late) as an excuse to prevent any more shame. The girl waited patiently all night and I was selfish and left her frustrated. And I think this is what really killed it – what I did in the morning, not what happened the previous night, that she was able to forgive. Lesson - no matter what happens don't be bitter since that is just always a turn off. Shrug it off if it's not happening. At least I'm confident enough now to know that if I can't get hard at night I'll almost definitely be able to get hard in the morning - but don't be selfish and keep trying if you've kept the girl waiting all night if you bust quickly. This is probably common sense to other guys but not to me...
Girl 2:
FR: Failed escalation on first date
FR++: Third date at my house
Summary leading up to the point I lost her: This one was slow. We only went on three dates over the space of three weeks (a week between one and two and a week and a half between two and three). I didn’t escalate on the first and it ended with a hug, and the second one ended with a peck. But this girl was very prompt with her responses despite my being slow to text– she didn’t use any emoticons but was compliant and agreeing to my suggestions. This girl showed no outward signs of attraction on the previous dates or during the first part of the third date, but that changed when we were walking back to my place – now she started opening up, laughing like a little schoolgirl, joking and being feminine. I looked damn good that night and she was probably excited, wondering about what I was going to do to her when we got back to mine.
We got to mine and started cooking. We were very physically close. Within 20 minutes I had my hand around her waist and planted a kiss on her – she laughed and looked delighted. We went back to cooking. After another 10 minutes we were facing each other and got very close – before I knew it we had our hands around each other and were making out, and I was kissing her neck – she was beaming and giggling. But we still had food on the stove so I broke it off. We went back to cooking – at another point while it was still cooking (and I’m fuzzy on the details) we embraced and she just rested her head in my arms and I rested my head on hers for what seemed like 10 minutes.
The point I think I lost her:
After dinner was ready, we sat down and started eating. The conversation at this point was pretty platonic and even died at points. Even though I was hungry and we were eating, I feel like I’d already missed the escalation window.
When we finished eating, we stood up. At this point, I’m thinking that I should have smiled and her and told her to close her eyes. “Hey E, I want to close your eyes for a second ok?”. Then I should have slowly moved towards her, embraced her and started kissing her. I feel like this would have been an extremely powerful move that she would have responded to, because it would have been an experience.
Instead, when we stood up I suggested watching Netflix, she agreed. I went to set it up and then lied down on my beanbag browsing for something to watch. I looked to my right and she was standing there looking at her phone, not smiling. She asked where the toilet was and went, then came back and lied down. After one episode of some show we got a lot closer until she suddenly said that it was late and she had to go. I said sure, but then leaned in and we started kissing - I was hoping this would turn her on and make her forget about what she just said - and I thought it was working - she started getting really into it but then abruptly broke it off and stood up. When leaving we kissed again and I broke it off this time- she looked a little disappointed and leaned in for another quick kiss, then we said bye and she left.
If you read the FR++ you can see what happened next, until she didn’t respond to my text the next day.
After she stopped responding that Thursday I sent another text four days later "Hey V, how are you keeping?" and got a response two hours later "Hey hey, I'm good how are you?".
The next day I said good but busy, and then asked if she was free this weekend for a movie. She responded saying that “I think you’re excellent and I’ve enjoyed our dates together but I don’t think I’m feeling the connection that much. Your vegan cooking skills are off the charts now so you should have no trouble picking up girls in vegan cafes ;P. I responded essentially saying that was ok and wishing her luck for everything. She responded again wishing me luck in the new job and I left it there on good terms.
In summary: I let complacency get to me with this one. Because this girl was always compliant and always responding to my texts, I took her for granted and didn't fully appreciate her. And I missed the fact that I needed to give her experience at mine, not just take it for granted that things would just naturally happen after lying down to watch netflix. Again, I took it for granted. This was only after 3 weeks - I'm afraid to think about what I'll be like in a proper relationship if I don't fix this - I'm afraid I'll forget the lesson and slip back into bad habits (I remember getting complacent with my FWB a few years back too and that killing things after a few months - I just completely stopped trying to even make things fun and interesting)
Main lessons:
1. I can not ever let frustration and bitterness take over me when I don't perform. Because if I let it take over me, the girl notices and it makes her uncomfortable, and it also means I withdraw into my own head when what I should be doing is being present with her and trying to please her. I feel like she probably saw me as quite selfish after I lasted 20 seconds, then got up, dressed and went to work after she waited all night. And I don't blame her for thinking that one bit.
2. I need to stop taking girls who are interested in me for granted. I have been forgetting that I continuously need to be turning them on and giving them an experience, instead of just getting lazy and complacent because they've made things so easy and just expecting them to be passively turned on by me.
Now that I've lost two girls I actually really liked due to these issues in the space of a single week, I hope the lessons stick.
Even though I wrote FRs for both of these girls, I realize now that I omitted some critical details leading up to the points at which I think they lost interest, so I’d like to try again properly with some suggestions of what I think in retrospect I should have done.
Girl 1:
LR: Gorgeous brunette from Hinge (with disappointing end)
Summary leading up to the point I lost her: This girl (B) gave me (M) her number unsolicited online, thanked me for organizing a date, and when she came to the date was absolutely drop dead gorgeous! After a few hours, when we kissed for the first time she immediately suggested going back to mine. We did foreplay (I didn’t go down on her since she had an STI) but I was so nervous that I couldn’t get hard. After a while of this I started getting frustrated with myself and it must have showed.
We decided to call it a night and slept. She asked if I liked to spoon, I gave away my lack of experience by saying generally not but I like intertwining legs (complete lie but I thought it’d be alright, I haven’t had a girl sleep over since my LR from a few months ago and before that hadn’t had a girl stay the night for years) – we did that and it was so uncomfortable. I felt like a clueless 15-year-old!
The point I think I lost her:
Morning came, and we started making out again, and I started fingering her. I immediately got rock hard. She asked if I had a condom right away – she didn’t want any more foreplay and wanted to get straight to it. I grabbed a condom and lube, she applied it to herself and got on top. I lasted 20 seconds. After laying there fingering her for a while more, I had to get up to get ready for work. So I got up, showered, and had breakfast. When I got back, she was still lying in the bed naked, and she commented on how good I looked. At this point, I should have commented on how sexy she looked lying there in my bed and climbed on top of her again for another round – being late to work be damned. In the moment though I was too ashamed of my dismal performance and said I needed to get going soon. We lied down and talked for a few minutes, before we got up. I asked her if she wanted to shower or eat anything – she said it was ok. She changed and I dropped her off at her car and went to work. I was very quiet on the car ride, still thinking about my performance – I let it get into my head.
When we got to her stop, she gave me a “aww” sad face and said
I sent her a text after work saying I had a good time and hoping she would have an awesome trip and that I wanted to hear the crazy stories when she got back – she responded thanking me and saying that a drink would be nice when she got back. But if you read my comment on the LR you’ll see what happened next.
In summary – I let my bitterness and frustration win. I should have tried my damned hardest to get this girl off by going another round in the morning but I got in my own head and just stayed silent and ashamed – using the fact that I had to get to work (which I mean was legit but I could have gone late) as an excuse to prevent any more shame. The girl waited patiently all night and I was selfish and left her frustrated. And I think this is what really killed it – what I did in the morning, not what happened the previous night, that she was able to forgive. Lesson - no matter what happens don't be bitter since that is just always a turn off. Shrug it off if it's not happening. At least I'm confident enough now to know that if I can't get hard at night I'll almost definitely be able to get hard in the morning - but don't be selfish and keep trying if you've kept the girl waiting all night if you bust quickly. This is probably common sense to other guys but not to me...
Girl 2:
FR: Failed escalation on first date
FR++: Third date at my house
Summary leading up to the point I lost her: This one was slow. We only went on three dates over the space of three weeks (a week between one and two and a week and a half between two and three). I didn’t escalate on the first and it ended with a hug, and the second one ended with a peck. But this girl was very prompt with her responses despite my being slow to text– she didn’t use any emoticons but was compliant and agreeing to my suggestions. This girl showed no outward signs of attraction on the previous dates or during the first part of the third date, but that changed when we were walking back to my place – now she started opening up, laughing like a little schoolgirl, joking and being feminine. I looked damn good that night and she was probably excited, wondering about what I was going to do to her when we got back to mine.
We got to mine and started cooking. We were very physically close. Within 20 minutes I had my hand around her waist and planted a kiss on her – she laughed and looked delighted. We went back to cooking. After another 10 minutes we were facing each other and got very close – before I knew it we had our hands around each other and were making out, and I was kissing her neck – she was beaming and giggling. But we still had food on the stove so I broke it off. We went back to cooking – at another point while it was still cooking (and I’m fuzzy on the details) we embraced and she just rested her head in my arms and I rested my head on hers for what seemed like 10 minutes.
The point I think I lost her:
After dinner was ready, we sat down and started eating. The conversation at this point was pretty platonic and even died at points. Even though I was hungry and we were eating, I feel like I’d already missed the escalation window.
When we finished eating, we stood up. At this point, I’m thinking that I should have smiled and her and told her to close her eyes. “Hey E, I want to close your eyes for a second ok?”. Then I should have slowly moved towards her, embraced her and started kissing her. I feel like this would have been an extremely powerful move that she would have responded to, because it would have been an experience.
Instead, when we stood up I suggested watching Netflix, she agreed. I went to set it up and then lied down on my beanbag browsing for something to watch. I looked to my right and she was standing there looking at her phone, not smiling. She asked where the toilet was and went, then came back and lied down. After one episode of some show we got a lot closer until she suddenly said that it was late and she had to go. I said sure, but then leaned in and we started kissing - I was hoping this would turn her on and make her forget about what she just said - and I thought it was working - she started getting really into it but then abruptly broke it off and stood up. When leaving we kissed again and I broke it off this time- she looked a little disappointed and leaned in for another quick kiss, then we said bye and she left.
If you read the FR++ you can see what happened next, until she didn’t respond to my text the next day.
After she stopped responding that Thursday I sent another text four days later "Hey V, how are you keeping?" and got a response two hours later "Hey hey, I'm good how are you?".
The next day I said good but busy, and then asked if she was free this weekend for a movie. She responded saying that “I think you’re excellent and I’ve enjoyed our dates together but I don’t think I’m feeling the connection that much. Your vegan cooking skills are off the charts now so you should have no trouble picking up girls in vegan cafes ;P. I responded essentially saying that was ok and wishing her luck for everything. She responded again wishing me luck in the new job and I left it there on good terms.
In summary: I let complacency get to me with this one. Because this girl was always compliant and always responding to my texts, I took her for granted and didn't fully appreciate her. And I missed the fact that I needed to give her experience at mine, not just take it for granted that things would just naturally happen after lying down to watch netflix. Again, I took it for granted. This was only after 3 weeks - I'm afraid to think about what I'll be like in a proper relationship if I don't fix this - I'm afraid I'll forget the lesson and slip back into bad habits (I remember getting complacent with my FWB a few years back too and that killing things after a few months - I just completely stopped trying to even make things fun and interesting)
Main lessons:
1. I can not ever let frustration and bitterness take over me when I don't perform. Because if I let it take over me, the girl notices and it makes her uncomfortable, and it also means I withdraw into my own head when what I should be doing is being present with her and trying to please her. I feel like she probably saw me as quite selfish after I lasted 20 seconds, then got up, dressed and went to work after she waited all night. And I don't blame her for thinking that one bit.
2. I need to stop taking girls who are interested in me for granted. I have been forgetting that I continuously need to be turning them on and giving them an experience, instead of just getting lazy and complacent because they've made things so easy and just expecting them to be passively turned on by me.
Now that I've lost two girls I actually really liked due to these issues in the space of a single week, I hope the lessons stick.
