- Joined
- Mar 16, 2015
- Messages
- 1,032
I didn't have a clue about where to put this, to tell ya the truth. But I just need to get my thoughts out.
February of 2016 I met a woman that came straight over to my apartment at around 10:00 at night. She wasn't all that great looking but I had just broken up with a girlfriend and figured since it was a layup I might as well take it. If nothing else, to help my ego bounce back.
Fooled around for a while when she got there and she literally said, and I quote word for word: "I want you to fuck me". So I did. After all of the fooling around and the fact that I didn't care as much, it didn't last long.
Fast forward a few weeks and I get a card in my door asking me to call the police. A few months later I'm getting my cheek swabbed. A few months after that they file charges and I'm to appear in court. The only problem is, is that I didn't even know I had court. After the detective had my phone number, my email address, my new address, my old address that had my new address (they sent me a bill) and a phone number for an attorney, they didn't let me know I had court. So they filed for court and 3 days later I have a bench warrant.
Fast forward to February of this year. I'm getting arrested for failure to appear. Brilliant.
Spend some time in jail, bond out, and 30 minutes after bonding out I find out that my sister committed suicide two days prior. This was about a month ago.
The evidence that they have against me? A DNA test can't rule me out, and she said so. Also a police report made by her that contradicts itself like 2-3 times.
So now I have a new court date set up for a few weeks out. A preliminary hearing. Almost all preliminary hearings go to trial, which means that I'm likely fucked. Thanks to my sister who is now dead and my oldest cousin they got the money together to pay for preliminary lawyer fees. There's not a chance in hell any of us will be able to afford a trial.
There's a chance that my rich ex-brother in law will help. But to be honest, there's a gut instinct telling me that he won't. Though that could just be my immeasurable cynicism of the moment. I hope it is.
And now here I am. After pulling myself together and coming from a statistical probability of being dead before the age of 15. Climbing out of depression. Learning how to even talk and be around girls to doing okay with them I am now broken again.
I'm not afraid to talk to women, somehow, but I have lost all desire to communicate with women for any reason at all. I still have a libido but I think I'm becoming a little bit of a porn addict at this point.
I was seeing a woman before all of this happened, though she was pulling away from me even then. She went from "I want you, and to be with you" to ghosting me the minute I try to talk to her about my sister. Some of my 'friends' even ghosted me. Though to keep from the doom and gloom there are a few that talk to me. They make life bearable. I even got a two statements from girls. One of which that I have slept with on occasion and are still kind of friends. The other I never slept with but is now kind of like my best friend.
I came back to some semblance of a life and really pulled together to make some money from working at Lyft. I have done really well with it in the past two weeks. But it does nothing for me emotionally, and will be like throwing a pebble into a lake if it comes to a trial. But it's still some kind of accomplishment.
But ever since my sister's funeral I don't find joy in anything except games and sleep. I even quit playing games a few years ago but downloaded a few on my phone just because of this.
They're just a distraction, I know. But they keep me from thinking about going to jail again. I've already made up my mind to commit suicide if they pronounce me guilty. I'm not going back to that.
But what if I win? I've thought about it, and I would still rather die.
It's the same as a decade ago. I don't want to commit suicide but there's nothing but this emptiness that I feel.
Like most of you, I assume, I got into game to find a life partner. Someone that I could just relax around and be myself. But nobody wants the real me. The real me is fun loving, laughs easily and often and is just a general goof. An intelligent and athletic goof, but still... Whenever people see me they leave me. It's only my mask that people find me interesting.
This entire year has completely demolished my desire for a life partner. It's even killed a little bit of my desire for friends. I can't see women for anything other than their hypergamy now. I just can't see the good in anyone anymore. After a lifetime of being exposed to the evils of this world and a growing resentment and bitterness of it all, I feel broken down. I don't see the point in fighting a bitter mentality. I still want to, but I just don't see anything else.
It's either emptiness, or anger. That's all I've been able to feel these past few weeks.
I honestly just want to die.
I'm not sure where I should go from here, emotionally. I would like to get better. I want to leave all of this behind. But I don't know if I'll ever be able to.
It's ironic, really. My sister was the one that had everything going for her. It was supposed to be me that committed suicide. It's what everyone thought. They would never say it to my face, but I've overheard a few people say it. They thought it would be me. They never thought that I ever had a chance in life.
I may find out that they were right in the coming weeks...
February of 2016 I met a woman that came straight over to my apartment at around 10:00 at night. She wasn't all that great looking but I had just broken up with a girlfriend and figured since it was a layup I might as well take it. If nothing else, to help my ego bounce back.
Fooled around for a while when she got there and she literally said, and I quote word for word: "I want you to fuck me". So I did. After all of the fooling around and the fact that I didn't care as much, it didn't last long.
Fast forward a few weeks and I get a card in my door asking me to call the police. A few months later I'm getting my cheek swabbed. A few months after that they file charges and I'm to appear in court. The only problem is, is that I didn't even know I had court. After the detective had my phone number, my email address, my new address, my old address that had my new address (they sent me a bill) and a phone number for an attorney, they didn't let me know I had court. So they filed for court and 3 days later I have a bench warrant.
Fast forward to February of this year. I'm getting arrested for failure to appear. Brilliant.
Spend some time in jail, bond out, and 30 minutes after bonding out I find out that my sister committed suicide two days prior. This was about a month ago.
The evidence that they have against me? A DNA test can't rule me out, and she said so. Also a police report made by her that contradicts itself like 2-3 times.
So now I have a new court date set up for a few weeks out. A preliminary hearing. Almost all preliminary hearings go to trial, which means that I'm likely fucked. Thanks to my sister who is now dead and my oldest cousin they got the money together to pay for preliminary lawyer fees. There's not a chance in hell any of us will be able to afford a trial.
There's a chance that my rich ex-brother in law will help. But to be honest, there's a gut instinct telling me that he won't. Though that could just be my immeasurable cynicism of the moment. I hope it is.
And now here I am. After pulling myself together and coming from a statistical probability of being dead before the age of 15. Climbing out of depression. Learning how to even talk and be around girls to doing okay with them I am now broken again.
I'm not afraid to talk to women, somehow, but I have lost all desire to communicate with women for any reason at all. I still have a libido but I think I'm becoming a little bit of a porn addict at this point.
I was seeing a woman before all of this happened, though she was pulling away from me even then. She went from "I want you, and to be with you" to ghosting me the minute I try to talk to her about my sister. Some of my 'friends' even ghosted me. Though to keep from the doom and gloom there are a few that talk to me. They make life bearable. I even got a two statements from girls. One of which that I have slept with on occasion and are still kind of friends. The other I never slept with but is now kind of like my best friend.
I came back to some semblance of a life and really pulled together to make some money from working at Lyft. I have done really well with it in the past two weeks. But it does nothing for me emotionally, and will be like throwing a pebble into a lake if it comes to a trial. But it's still some kind of accomplishment.
But ever since my sister's funeral I don't find joy in anything except games and sleep. I even quit playing games a few years ago but downloaded a few on my phone just because of this.
They're just a distraction, I know. But they keep me from thinking about going to jail again. I've already made up my mind to commit suicide if they pronounce me guilty. I'm not going back to that.
But what if I win? I've thought about it, and I would still rather die.
It's the same as a decade ago. I don't want to commit suicide but there's nothing but this emptiness that I feel.
Like most of you, I assume, I got into game to find a life partner. Someone that I could just relax around and be myself. But nobody wants the real me. The real me is fun loving, laughs easily and often and is just a general goof. An intelligent and athletic goof, but still... Whenever people see me they leave me. It's only my mask that people find me interesting.
This entire year has completely demolished my desire for a life partner. It's even killed a little bit of my desire for friends. I can't see women for anything other than their hypergamy now. I just can't see the good in anyone anymore. After a lifetime of being exposed to the evils of this world and a growing resentment and bitterness of it all, I feel broken down. I don't see the point in fighting a bitter mentality. I still want to, but I just don't see anything else.
It's either emptiness, or anger. That's all I've been able to feel these past few weeks.
I honestly just want to die.
I'm not sure where I should go from here, emotionally. I would like to get better. I want to leave all of this behind. But I don't know if I'll ever be able to.
It's ironic, really. My sister was the one that had everything going for her. It was supposed to be me that committed suicide. It's what everyone thought. They would never say it to my face, but I've overheard a few people say it. They thought it would be me. They never thought that I ever had a chance in life.
I may find out that they were right in the coming weeks...