Alright, I'd never believe I would start a journal myself but here I am.
I've always seen -or always wanted to see myself- as a cool happy guy.
And I've always felt social pressure and feared looking bad in public -the last time I couldn't manage to hold the tears back in front of others it was a drama, and I still remember it as if it were today. And I was 5 years old-.
And so it's tough deciding to open a journal and openly admitting I'm doing bad in several fields and that I have a long way to go.
Especially harder when you're 30 and you'd be expected to be in a totally different position at this age.
BACKGROUND
I moved to different places -you know, just call me Lucifer, been around for a long long time
- but it's enough to start from 2010.
2010 I had nice job in a beautiful Eastern European capital, enrolled in a rotational program in a big corporation.
Money wasn't huge but more than enough for a good life.
Lots of nice girls around and although I wasn't taking too many of them it always felt there was at least a chance every time I'd go out.
I had a few but rather close friends, knew quite a few people, was loved and appreciated by the social circle and could walk in most main places and always meet someone I knew.
I was doing and feeling quite good and happy.
YOU CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT
My rotational period ended in 2013 during draconian cost (and job) cutting.
I was good but couldn't find a position suited for me in the hiring freeze.
But I saw it as an opportunity to move out of IT and enjoying life while looking for something more interesting (had started a sketchy blog here: http://adandyonthedole.blogspot.de/ ).
I dreamed of finding a good job to start end of summer so that I could enjoy some months carefree.
I did enjoy those months, crossed path with some nice girls, but worryingly I couldn't get any good job in crisis stricken Europe.
I stayed on the hunt, but as August was drawing to an end all I could get were a few internships offer in another city.
NEW PLACE: FROM THE FRYING PAN...
It wasn't too easy to swallow: in a position below my skillset, far below my previous salary, and at an age where you're not supposed to be an intern.
But again I saw it as an opportunity to get back to the west and see and learn new things. And I had been guaranteed a chance of employment in case of good performance.
Sure thing, first day I got here I receive a call from a good employer from my previous city who was interested in hiring me. Great timing!
And of course during my internship the company -a start up- didn't receive a planned round of funding and a whole team had to be let go. Both my superiors and recruiter left during my internship and... There was no position available for me.
Last day in November it was all kisses and hugs and great feedback but...
CURRENT SITUATION
... But now here I am alone in this new cold place.
Jobless, again, subletting a small room in a flat with a gay couple and a cat -only till Jan, and then?- and feeling
Unlucky -as if I'm not doing too many things wrong but what can go wrong just goes so-
Uprooted and stranded -family and friends scattered around, not having any one I vibe with-
Lost -without any clear idea about the future-
Unproductive -I feel like having useful working skills but nowhere to use them-.
And of course:
Completely ineffective with girls.
It's hard feeling social and communicative when you're lonely and rarely happy.
And it's hard leading and being confident when you feel you aren't managing your own life too well.
It's not always easy keeping a stiff upper lip...
GOALS
... But here I am, still alive. And kicking.
More specific goals to come
.
I've always seen -or always wanted to see myself- as a cool happy guy.
And I've always felt social pressure and feared looking bad in public -the last time I couldn't manage to hold the tears back in front of others it was a drama, and I still remember it as if it were today. And I was 5 years old-.
And so it's tough deciding to open a journal and openly admitting I'm doing bad in several fields and that I have a long way to go.
Especially harder when you're 30 and you'd be expected to be in a totally different position at this age.
BACKGROUND
I moved to different places -you know, just call me Lucifer, been around for a long long time
2010 I had nice job in a beautiful Eastern European capital, enrolled in a rotational program in a big corporation.
Money wasn't huge but more than enough for a good life.
Lots of nice girls around and although I wasn't taking too many of them it always felt there was at least a chance every time I'd go out.
I had a few but rather close friends, knew quite a few people, was loved and appreciated by the social circle and could walk in most main places and always meet someone I knew.
I was doing and feeling quite good and happy.
YOU CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT
My rotational period ended in 2013 during draconian cost (and job) cutting.
I was good but couldn't find a position suited for me in the hiring freeze.
But I saw it as an opportunity to move out of IT and enjoying life while looking for something more interesting (had started a sketchy blog here: http://adandyonthedole.blogspot.de/ ).
I dreamed of finding a good job to start end of summer so that I could enjoy some months carefree.
I did enjoy those months, crossed path with some nice girls, but worryingly I couldn't get any good job in crisis stricken Europe.
I stayed on the hunt, but as August was drawing to an end all I could get were a few internships offer in another city.
NEW PLACE: FROM THE FRYING PAN...
It wasn't too easy to swallow: in a position below my skillset, far below my previous salary, and at an age where you're not supposed to be an intern.
But again I saw it as an opportunity to get back to the west and see and learn new things. And I had been guaranteed a chance of employment in case of good performance.
Sure thing, first day I got here I receive a call from a good employer from my previous city who was interested in hiring me. Great timing!
And of course during my internship the company -a start up- didn't receive a planned round of funding and a whole team had to be let go. Both my superiors and recruiter left during my internship and... There was no position available for me.
Last day in November it was all kisses and hugs and great feedback but...
CURRENT SITUATION
... But now here I am alone in this new cold place.
Jobless, again, subletting a small room in a flat with a gay couple and a cat -only till Jan, and then?- and feeling
Unlucky -as if I'm not doing too many things wrong but what can go wrong just goes so-
Uprooted and stranded -family and friends scattered around, not having any one I vibe with-
Lost -without any clear idea about the future-
Unproductive -I feel like having useful working skills but nowhere to use them-.
And of course:
Completely ineffective with girls.
It's hard feeling social and communicative when you're lonely and rarely happy.
And it's hard leading and being confident when you feel you aren't managing your own life too well.
It's not always easy keeping a stiff upper lip...
GOALS
... But here I am, still alive. And kicking.
More specific goals to come