Lucifer journal

[lux7]

Alright, I'd never believe I would start a journal myself but here I am.

I've always seen -or always wanted to see myself- as a cool happy guy.

And I've always felt social pressure and feared looking bad in public -the last time I couldn't manage to hold the tears back in front of others it was a drama, and I still remember it as if it were today. And I was 5 years old-.

And so it's tough deciding to open a journal and openly admitting I'm doing bad in several fields and that I have a long way to go.

Especially harder when you're 30 and you'd be expected to be in a totally different position at this age.


BACKGROUND

I moved to different places -you know, just call me Lucifer, been around for a long long time - but it's enough to start from 2010.

2010 I had nice job in a beautiful Eastern European capital, enrolled in a rotational program in a big corporation.

Money wasn't huge but more than enough for a good life.
Lots of nice girls around and although I wasn't taking too many of them it always felt there was at least a chance every time I'd go out.

I had a few but rather close friends, knew quite a few people, was loved and appreciated by the social circle and could walk in most main places and always meet someone I knew.
I was doing and feeling quite good and happy.


YOU CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT

My rotational period ended in 2013 during draconian cost (and job) cutting.
I was good but couldn't find a position suited for me in the hiring freeze.
But I saw it as an opportunity to move out of IT and enjoying life while looking for something more interesting (had started a sketchy blog here: http://adandyonthedole.blogspot.de/ ).

I dreamed of finding a good job to start end of summer so that I could enjoy some months carefree.

I did enjoy those months, crossed path with some nice girls, but worryingly I couldn't get any good job in crisis stricken Europe.
I stayed on the hunt, but as August was drawing to an end all I could get were a few internships offer in another city.


NEW PLACE: FROM THE FRYING PAN...

It wasn't too easy to swallow: in a position below my skillset, far below my previous salary, and at an age where you're not supposed to be an intern.
But again I saw it as an opportunity to get back to the west and see and learn new things. And I had been guaranteed a chance of employment in case of good performance.

Sure thing, first day I got here I receive a call from a good employer from my previous city who was interested in hiring me. Great timing!

And of course during my internship the company -a start up- didn't receive a planned round of funding and a whole team had to be let go. Both my superiors and recruiter left during my internship and... There was no position available for me.

Last day in November it was all kisses and hugs and great feedback but...


CURRENT SITUATION

... But now here I am alone in this new cold place.
Jobless, again, subletting a small room in a flat with a gay couple and a cat -only till Jan, and then?- and feeling
Unlucky -as if I'm not doing too many things wrong but what can go wrong just goes so-
Uprooted and stranded -family and friends scattered around, not having any one I vibe with-
Lost -without any clear idea about the future-
Unproductive -I feel like having useful working skills but nowhere to use them-.

And of course:
Completely ineffective with girls.
It's hard feeling social and communicative when you're lonely and rarely happy.
And it's hard leading and being confident when you feel you aren't managing your own life too well.

It's not always easy keeping a stiff upper lip...


GOALS

... But here I am, still alive. And kicking.
More specific goals to come .

 

[vanillakiller]

Welcome, Lucifer. It's time to go 'n get it!

 

[lux7]

I've been out quite a few times.

Random thoughts as summary:

-Pre-opening with nudging: weirdo effect risk
I was going in a very crowded metro with people all around and I nudge this cute little Asian girl. She literally jumps to the side, I moved to the side as well with all the people coming through looking at me as if I were a rapist :S.
Aaaawkard .
I didn't do it perfect, but not that bad either and definitely not to warrant such a reaction.
I find that in crowded street in big cities people might tend to think you're a weirdo, beggar or pickpocket when you nudge and "invade" their personal space.
So I think I might not use it anymore.


-Malls and the risk of the boyfriends around
It happened a few times that a girl that seemed alone at a mall had actually a BF shopping with her around.
One woman didn't want to take my hand and whispered "my husband is around".
Unluckily I held on to another girl's hand just to... Get caught red handed by the incoming BF. As the guy stood there with his gaping mouth I said "your friend?". But I damn knew by his expression that he wasn't a friend. I just said "oh sorry" and bowed away. Quite an awkward moment, a man nearby smiling at the scene.
I feel that malls and shops often have this high "BF risk".


-Alone VS with friends
I find it much harder going out by myself rather than when I'm with someone else.
Also if I know I'm meeting someone later things are easier.
2 things I think: 1. with a friend it feels like you have "base camp" to go back to if you fail; 2. it feels a bit sleazy going out and doing nothing but with the aim of getting new contacts.


-Too many FBs too few phone numbers
I think I've taken some Facebook when I should have asked for phone number (dumb of me). A cute woman from Thailand who was looking at me before I said hi and that was very willing to meet up again had her baby in the profile picture and maybe it would have gone better with a phone number.


-Low success
I've had low success so far to be frank in terms of progression after the first contact details taken, even when the interaction seemed quite good.
Lower than in the past. Still can't get my finger on it as for the why.

Job
I refused a job offer in Budapest because the pay was too low, I hope I won't have to regret it.

 

[lux7]

-Girl over, what a drag
I have a woman over I had met in my previous city.
She's older than I am but I didn't ask for the exact age as it seemed to be an issue for her.

She still has a good and firm body and can be quite attractive but she lacks in personality.

I had brought her home back then but couldn't get to first base in spite of quite a long interaction in bed.

First evening here once again a lot of resistance. She says I was too dominant and pushy so after a while I stop, put a movie on and escalate after more romantic touching and it goes all smooth.

I was trying to be "altruistic" and take more time so I didn't come at all the first time.
Neither does she though, and when I probe for some more info she says she has never come in her life while having sex and only in the last years reached orgasm but only via masturbation.

She's now having a shower and leaving today and to be honest I'm really glad, her English is very poor and takes time to form a sentence. And she doesn't seem very bright even when accounting for the language barrier.

Last time I will have someone over I don't really vibe with I think. Sharing a room and a lot of time with someone can be challenging, but doing so with someone you don't vibe with can be daunting .

 

[lux7]

I went out today to a mall close to the main square, the one I was mentioning in another post that was full of "PUAs".

And with winter, guess what... ? They had all moved in.

I didn't do much there as I didn't want to be one of the many guys approaching, and often bothering, all the OK girls.
I just said hi to a girl with mom and little bro as I figured most wouldn't go there but she said she had a BF. I usually insist at least once but not this time.

I changed venue and the first girl I met was a very good interaction.
I followed her 10 seconds looking for the right moment and when she was looking for something in the purse I just smiled and said "have you lost something", then introduced myself and walked together till our paths diverged. It was less than 5 minutes, I lied about my employment status as I un-proudly often do and she didn't think twice when I said I wanted to see her again.
She replied to my first text asking if I had already seen all the tourist attractions around the city and I said I did mostly because I didn't want to roam around with her.
She then said my area was too far for her and she wanted to meet for a coffe around the center. She goes on holidays the 31st and I actually said I'd contact her to go out after her comeback, and now I'm not yet sure if I should push for a meet tomorrow but I think it might be better.

It was a bit of poor day after that, because of lack of good situations and because of my teetering on a few occasions.
I'm not yet 100% sure, but seems to me that as it gets dark girls are much less likely to receive you well in places and times you're not "supposed" to meet people (in this case: a shopping street).

HUSBAND HANGING AROUND
There was a girl who looked 16 and was 26 -first thing I asked was her age-.
I told her I would have liked to see her again. She asked me the question back and as I reached for the clothes' hanger with my elbow to get a cooler pose I just said "yeah" and stared at her.
I had noticed someone hanging around there but I thought this was going to go fine. Except she said it wasn't possible because she was married and... And the husband was the guy who was just standing beside us :S. I turned to him, said sorry and said the girl was cute. He took it quite well.

16 YO PROTESTS ABOUT AGE
There was a girl who looked 20 something and when I said I had noticed her before and wanted to meet her she protested "I'm only 16".
That was the first time a girl actually protested about her young age, the west is quite age-sensitive.
16 is actually kinda of legal around here and especially if I'm not thinking about anything serious I don't have many qualms about age -be it older or younger-. But people do and 16 does sound a bit too much and it's tougher bonding when age and experience gap is that big.
And if people around you do care, you usually do as well -and most of the times, for a good reason-. I'd feel a bit awkward sitting with an under age girl in some bar, and since we were here in the street and since it was her who mentioned the age firs thing I felt a bit ashamed so I raised my hand as to say "no", smiled a bit, said sorry and quickly bid goodbye.

THE HOMELESS
Waiting for the metro I sat close to the only free place available: the one close an homeless with a bleeding finger. No wonder it was free eh?
He was trying to remove the blood with an old tissue, so I reached for a couple of news ones I accidentally had with me and handed them over.
He was so happy and grateful.
He felt obliged to tell me not to be scared as he had no hepatitis, HIV or nothing.
I smiled and said I wasn't scared.

He loved my "moist tissues" as they were perfect for the job he said.

We kept chatting on and off, I couldn't get all he was saying as my local language skills are so so but I could see that having someone talking to him was making him feel great.

When the metro was there he thanked me once again and I felt that I just had my best interaction of the day.

 

[lux7]

HOME WITH A GIRL - BLEW IT
I was out today with a girl from my same building I had met some days ago.

I was 5 mins late and she was already going back in to ask another friend to hang out with her.
Germans...

THE PLACE: SITTING ACROSS THE TABLE
I was thinking about a really shady cocktail bar close by but she preferred another place. I don't know much around here, so I let her decide.

Indeed the place was really nice, but the only free place was a table with two seats and no opportunity to move them, so we were sitting one in front of the other.

Bad situation.

NO GETTING DRUNK
It's been a long time I haven't gotten drunk -months- and yes, I enjoy drinking from time to time and yes, I was honestly hoping to get drunk and for at least a night enjoy thinking about nothing and letting myself go.

But second bad news, she doesn't get drunk.

She got a wine, I got a long island but one drink doesn't get me drunk and also you don't want to let yourself go if your "date" doesn't.

CONVERSATION
Conversation was really nice.
Her English was very good and it was so refreshing: it's tough for me to respect someone with low communication skills.

She said she liked being in good relationships with neighbors and that people around here are a bit cold so she was glad I talked to her.
That made me doubt a bit for the reason she came out was for neighborly reasons but I didn't make a bid deal out of it.

INVITE HOME -1ST TIME
She loved movies, so when the drinks were about to finish, a good 2hours in, I proposed "wanna go watch a movie".
She teetered a bit, seemed to say yes but then crumbled and said "maybe next time".

I didn't change conversation right away and kept the stare on till she broke it with a bit of a nervous smile.
We both knew it was a topic moment.
And my invitation had been bad, I knew it fully well.

INVITE HOME -2ND TIME
But I also knew it's not final until you're actually at the end, and things seemed to be going well.
So I regained my composure and we kept talking with some good back forth. And when the drinks were really gone I said "let's go watch a movie".

This time it was ok.

AT HOME
She took her shoes off.
I didn't because I would have been shorter than her without boots (weak, I know).
I planned to take them off later on the couch while watching the movie.

Molly, the damn cat, had stunk the whole place, so I had to clean her toilet first thing (I'll never have an animal without a garden).

We browsed the DVD selection together for some minutes and then she went back to her place to get chocolate cookies (we live in the same building).

She didn't want a beer but a water.


DVD PLAYER DOESN'T WORK
My flatmate had explained me the way around the TV station and it seemed damn complicated, but you know how these things go, it's more complicated to say it than actually doing it.

Or so I thought, while I wasn't really pay attention during the explanation.

And now, I couldn't get the damn thing working while she was away.

When she came back and sat on the couch we were distant: she sitting, me in front of the TV station and the convo was poor.

I thought there were two options:
1. make the DVD start or
2. go sit close try to restart a seemingly meaningful convo before making a move.

We had already talked a lot and having been far away the whole evening I thought it would have been better having the DVD excuse to get closer... And I thought I could manage to make it start in 5 minutes or so.

But nothing.

As she was saying it was OK "and we could have watched it another time as we live in the same building" I proposed to "go watch one on the laptop in my room" but she clearly said "I would rather not to do that".

HER LEAVING WITHOUT NOTHING HAPPENING
Five minutes later she was bidding farewell and I was too down to try to make her stay, even because I was seeing no way out.

A move now while on the way out would have been desperate. I had done it in the past against my better judgement and didn't really work well.

So I juts sat there, thinking what an idiot I was for not trying the TV set before as I knew chances were high we would have ended up at mine to watch a movie...



She forgot her bag here and we do indeed live in the same building but I think this it.

 

[lux7]

NEEDY AS ****
I was walking around the 4th without seeing too many opportunities when finally this cute Spanish girl receives me warmly.

I didn't expect it when she kissed me twice on the cheek when we exchanged name after 5 minutes. We later agreed to meet on Tuesday and she hugged me strong when we bid goodbye.

I thought it was quite on.

Tuesday happens to be my birthday and not having anything planned, as usual, and no friends to meet, unusual, and without having been out partying for months.... I got needy as fu**.

She ads me on FB the 5th and the 5th evening I write:

  Yo chica!
    Nice meeting you the other day, hope you had a great weekend

I didn't want to write one day after the other, but the 6th is one day before the 7th, so I thought better back to back texts than writing on the same day of the supposed meet up.

So today I write:

   For that drink, let's meet tomorrow at 8 in *******, there's a place I always wanted to try

Her reply a couple of hours later:

  Sorry, but I have plans for tomorrow. Maybe another day. Ciao

Which was possibly in the top 3 of the most disappointing messages I have ever received.
And not that much for the person she is, but for the situation I'm in and for the high expectations I had on this meeting to make for a good birthday. And for a little boost through not easy times.
Instead the lonely birthday will epitomize this whole great period. Yeeeeey!

I had a round of crying earlier.
I usually feel a bit better after a good cry .

 

[lux7]

NO LIGHT YET...
Had two job interviews, both for IT positions, which is not my specialty but I applied anyway because I need a job and they called me anyway because I have 1.5 years experience in an IT company (only later they find out I'm not a technical guy).

I had really hoped for one of them as they called me back for a second round almost immediately.
My lack of technical skills were clearly the issue, but they knew that and I had played very well the "fast learner card". And if they called me a second time, I thought...
The job was in another city and required international travel 70% of the time, maybe a bit too much but in a way I liked it.

I was looking soo forward to a "yes" to finally let loose and let some long held back joy overwhelm me.
I had a few things planned: go back to my previous city and meet the people there for partying (and try to square the circle with a couple of girls I had left open), finally go back home after more than a year and celebrate with my family, stop on the way to my student city to meet the guys there..

Both interviews were conducted at good level from my side, not too far from the best I could have been -one feedback was that they were wandering why didn't I apply for marketing and sales as I'd have been perfect for that-.
Close to my best and still no offer.

That burned.
And that doesn't bode well.

It's blistering cold outside, I don't even have enough heavy clothes here and I don't even feel like I can go out wandering around to take my mind off.
I'm quite down.

I have to hear back from a third option on Friday for a possible 2nd round interview, but I feel my best shot has been fired and has missed. At this point I both don't expect anything good and I'm scared of another negative answer.


I know, the website is supposed to be about girls but work/finance is the first thing I feel I should get down and so far I just can't manage..

 

[lux7]

Just heard back from another job interview in yet another city.
It was a dream job for me: high paying, in finance, working in a suit (yep that's a huge plus for me) and stable -a satellite company of the ECB-.

The direct supervisor would have wanted me, but the German COO pushed for the no -he didn't even want to meet me because the bachelor degree transcript was missing from my application: big miss from my side but after I had already passed 2 stages and had flown there just for the interview I couldn't believe how disrespectful he was being in refusing to meet :S-

On the other hand one month ago I got a job here which pays the bills.
It basically just does that, pays the bills and not much more , but it's still a huge step forward from unemployment.
It's a 9 months trainee contract in another start-up, no suits.

Weird how sometimes you can get really close to a great job and still struggle like crazy to get a "normal" one.

Now I need to digest this other brick on my head and need to decide: concentrate on staying here and improving my life -I'm living with an old meddling Russian lady right now for one- or concentrating on finding a better job and eventually move in the next few months (if anyone's reading I would very much appreciate suggestions)?
Tough one.

In the meanwhile, I also have to meet new girls as I stalled quite badly in that area.

 

[lux7]

LR AND HUNTING FOR DAY AFTER PILL

I meet a girl on Friday evening and we went for a bottle of wine on a bench close to my place, my by far favourite kind of date.

Simple, nobody around, no hassles on paying or going to the bar, freedom of making whatever you want and good air.

She has to pay and that's the perfect moment to go back to my place.
We we already kissing and I was already touching her private parts, though at times she still rejected my advances -but I never really cared, also because it seemed obvious it was on-.

When I take my turn on the toilet and I come back in the room she's already sitting on the bed. Dumb me, I even open a new bottle of wine, which went completely untouched.

A few silly LMR (I need to go after I was fingering and removing the pants) when it was obvious it was going to happen -I dislike these kind of LMRs and the girl loses point in my eyes because they're just too sily-.

After the second session I only had one condom left and though I knew it wasn't the smartest move I left it on rather than not having a 3rd session.
Long story short, the condom rips and we agree to meet the day after at around 14 so I can help her out.

Yeah, the day after I did think for a while "no way she will remember my name and my address, I could actually just disappear".
But I wasn't going to do it, she was in the most fertile days and didn't know the local language.

Long story short, we only find the pill at the very last pharmacy: the one at central station, where we had gone to take her train for the airport.
Train that arrived at the airport after the gates officially closed.

Talking about in the nick of time .

I really admired her resolve during this time, never screaming or crying, never making big dramas and actually joking and laughing quite often at my motherhood jokes.

 

[lux7]

FR++

Was walking on the street some days ago, and seen a black girl with huuuge boobs.

Pondering whether to approach or not I ask myself "would I hit that?".
Being the answer yes I went for it.
Usually, as a European, black women are often highly receptive to me.

(Interesting it was the other way around for my old black friend from my previous town who always avoided black women saying they were always unfriendly and stuck up).

I was well dressed, more on the classical end which seem to work better for me. It was designer jeans, an amazingly beautiful shirt open at the top and showing quite a bit of chest air and a suit jacked.

It might have been 6-7 minutes in and she asks me where do I live and... How far it is.
I invite her home, she teeters a bit. I push for the yes but instead she proposes her hotel which was just behind the corner.

There were a few huge street workers close by, and they were looking towards me. I had the impression talking and commenting too.
I still feel the pinch of people around snooping in, so I was glad when we started walking to get something to eat and drink first.

I had no condoms on, so I desperately look around at the store and in the streets, but no machine and yes, I seemed to have found the only big shop with no condoms on sales!

I pay for the food and drink, not too much, but still I didn't like she didn't even pretend to share or say thanks, so I let her carry the bag all the way.

We go back to her hotel, which is central and looks quite great.

Turns out, it was an older married guy who was paying all her expenses.
And she was entertaining the possibility of meeting the day after with another even richer guy.

I didn't judge her badly at all.
She was in a rather bad position: from Haiti, just arrived, not speaking the local language, not knowing many people, about to start studying but way older than all her freshmen colleague would have been and... Admittedly often crying because she missed family and home.

Very limited resistances saying she couldn't do it "because of her BF".
Her BF would be the older married guy who keeps her as a mistress and pays her for sex and company at bars.
I never even replied to that, just sometimes made light fun of it but without being offensive.

Also, I'm not that attracted and I know I'm not gonna get much anyway: I don't do it without condoms and don't get much enjoyment out of oral sex.

She on the other hand comes by rubbing her vagina on my six pack abs and me fingering her from behind.
Just kidding about the six pack abs though, she just rubbed her clit on my belly .

I was actually just about to leave when I half heatedly try a last ditch effort and botched it up with something dirty at the door. That was still enough to have her take my hand and move to the bed.
She said I was sexy and she didn't have to pretend anything with me, that was one of the reasons it was so easy.

Her boobs were bigger than I had imagined with the clothes on. The biggest I've ever had any close encounter with, actually too big to be aesthetically appealing, I really literally couldn't breath when one of them was on my face.

I told her to study and get that nursing degree, she won't be young for ever.
She asked when we'll meet again, but I'm not sure about that, maybe a drink one of these days. I wish her the best anyway.


This wasn't about any skill, only really about being at the right place at the right time with a person who was desperate for some company.

 

[lux7]

FR++

....

And a little bit of drama.

It was this girl's birthday and I wrote on her FB wall "happy bday", she asked how I was, I said good, asked the same back and that was it.

A dude first liked my comment and the replied with something like "your friend is doing well".

From there she said there was no relationship with us (!). Of course not, and what a dumb move denying smt when there isn't even a clear charge!

From there, on a public space, they kept going with such personal stuff and she mentioned to please stop as was doing badly enough missing her family and kid.
I know she's not technological enough to even understand what's publicly readable and what's not, but in doubt better playing it safe maybe.. ?
He replied something longish which ended with "good luck to you two" (I guess I was part of that "two?" :S ).

I skimmed through it all when I sensed drama and avoid reading attentively as I don't really want to be involved in any way and I want this to be the end of it.

 

[lux7]

DONE LASIK

A couple of weeks ago I've done Lasik.

I was very tense about it.
So far all good.
Some myopia is likely come back but it shouldn't be as bad as it was before (-4.5 and -4.75) so glasses would be lighter anyway.
Actually I do want to get some light glasses as I tend to have dark circles around my eyes and glasses do a lot to mask them.

I don't care too much of being half bald but I've never been comfortable with having thick glasses. I mean, honestly, I'm already very short, half bald, thin.. Add a pair of thick glasses and... Good luck in pulling off sexy .
So two days after the surgery I went fora walk with sunglasses on.
And God, did I feel like a God and was smiling to myself all the way to nowhere .

And wanna know the funniest part?
Each single approach was a blow off ehehe .

I think a lot of it was due to the fact I was approaching way too seriously, and the sunglasses by hiding the eyes add a layer of intimidation/stranger feeling.

When I started using smiles days after it was indeed much better.

 

[lux7]

Just got back home after sitting like an idiot with a very hot japanese girl I had met spontaneously before entering the shop.
I mismanaged the whole interaction without proper planning and without proper building a sexual innuendo.

After 30 minutes sitting, At 9:45, she says at 10 she had to go to meet her fiend and that's the time when I, idiot, finally remembered it was to move towards home.
I fell victim of the fact she said she was going to a famous disco, which notoriously opens late, and that she was staying at her friends, so maybe she didn't have any pressing scheduling needs, but there's no excuse to idiocy.

Once I proposed to move towards my place her english was so bad she didnt even understood we were actually walking towards my place and not towards the metro, but once in front of my building of course she went for the metro -that wasn't going to her destination- rather than for the "drink" at my place because that's what she thought we were doing in the first place (ie: going to the metro station).

Of course I even paid for the beers, but it's like the cherry on the pie.

Mistakes:
-fell in a lull of sitting down with a beautiful girl and enjoying the beers in the open air rather than having the goal of moving home in my head
-not finding out her schedule
-not building sexual tension -a connection was impossible given her english skills-

Learning points:
The mistakes above and, most of all, anger management, I'm so pissed I'd like to smash everything to smithereens.

 

[lux7]

Less than a year ago I started this journal and it seems a lifetime ago.

Yesterday I signed a new contract for the company I'm working for. Nothing to write home about, mind you, we're still an unprofitable start-up and I'm still on a shoestring budget , but at least I might be able to get my own studio.

I can contact 3 different girls who would come hang out to my humble abode pretty much any time I'd call them.
None is a model, mind you, but at least cute and one is very very pretty and lovely and a bit to my chagrin and a bit to my delight, we're getting quite close.

I booked the flight for a 3 weeks holidays.
I will burn most of my holidays allowance, but there should still be something left to make a week back home next May. And if everything doesn't come crashing down, after quite a bit of time I'll be able to merrily go back home happy and carefree.

I've got a few friends whom I can call and who sometimes call me to go out. We're totally different: one is basically an addict surprisingly enjoying some success in building his own business whom you rarely see sober and "doesn't care of dying young", but they're great fun.


There's still a looong way to go to improve myself and my life, but if I think that less than a year ago I was unemployed and alone in a closet-room with a lot of smell and not many prospects I am definitely satisfied about the progress so far.

 

[Howell]

Cool stuff man. Always good to see people steadily improving themselves. Thanks for sharing!

-Howell