Making and keeping friends (in a foreign land)

Mario

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Joined
May 7, 2018
Messages
2
Location
Sri Lankan living in France
So I'm a college student living in France, my french is quite bad. But I can manage 1 on 1 conversations but it's very difficult with a group.

Anyway I could be considered antisocial/introverted, but I have no trouble making new friends, it's just keeping contact with them is a sticking point for me and it usually stresses me out to inaction.

This has been a problem in my home country as well but it has hit me harder since moving to France since my social circle is gone, which except for my best friend my social circle consisted of people met through extracurricular activities. But outside of these I barely met them.

And it usually gets depressing when I compare myself to others (I know I shouldn't but it still nags me). For example how one of my friends gets invited to a party and I'm not.

So I'd like some advice or process of how builds a strong friendly relationships with people, anything would be appreciated, anxiety has left me clueless

For example things I need help with;
  • 1) After meeting someone new, do I get their contact details? Only if I hit it off well with them or maybe neutral

    2) Do I text them as soon as possible or follow the same process as girls?

    3) How often we text or meet up, make plans? Get together and hit up clubs

    4) What about the people I already meet daily? Do I make a gradual or a sudden change

    5) I remember one of Chase's article about offering value, but what kind of value can I offer

While I am shy/have social anxiety/introverted other people don't agree with me and take it as a joke because Girlschase has done wonders for my fundamentals, but i still need work in some areas.

The only problem is when I'm speaking french I tend to lose confidence there (Imagine trying to get over approach anxiety here hahaha)

Any process or rules to follow would be helpful
 

Ben

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Joined
Apr 15, 2018
Messages
9
1) If you'll see them again regardless of what you do, you can take your time if you didn't hit it off with them. So I'd take contact only if you had contact that was more than pure neutral- if you just said hi, spent two minutes chatting and weren't particularly enamored with one another, why do you want to be in contact with them. If you've befriended them, you can take info right away.

Whether you'll see them again or not without your own action, you should take their contact info if you want to use it- you want to spend time with them you wouldn't otherwise.

2) I don't know.
3) Don't go a long time (for me a few months is a long time) without contact, but otherwise get in touch when you want to talk to them or want to meet up.
You can hang out as much as you (and he) like, just make sure you're both actually enjoying your time together. You should hang out less with people you like less and enjoy hanging out with less (and who enjoy hanging out with you less).
4) With more reserved guys in school I've usually begun by one day taking interest in them, spend something like five-ten minutes chatting, and every once in a while spontaneously deciding to go bug them for a bit (the idea is not to legitimately bother them, just to stir them up a bit) or take an interest in what they are up to. After a while of this I'll 'decide' that we're friends now, and act accordingly.
With those less reserved I'll just gradually be more friendly and make a point of interacting with them (say hello with a smile when I see them, ask how they're doing...). If we're already on friendly terms this is already done.
When on friendly terms, just ask them to hang out every once in a while.
That's the gradual approach I use. If you find something to bond over you can just start hanging out with them to do that thing if you're both enthusiasts. Martial arts, video games, calisthenics, rock climbing, trekking, weight lifting, philosophy etc.. If you like something a lot and so does he, you can be a lot more sudden.
Still don't go from ignoring his existence to trying to hang out 5 hours a day.. just calibrate the quickness that you can change the friendliness and time investment in a relationship with how much the actual dynamics have changed- how much more do you two enjoy spending time together?
5) Friendliness, someone to play games, go out or do hobbies with, humor, being available to hang out are the basic ones.
 
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