Making girls okay with just casual sex

[Dylweed]

I've had this happen to me mutliple times now where a girl is cleary into me, but she flakes and then i later find out the reason why is because they dont know what im looking for and they're afraid of catching feelings if im not looking for committment.

Just happened to me again. This girl at work who to me is a 10, i hung out with her once like a month ago and it went real smooth and we ended up in my bedroom alone. I kissed her while standing, she didn't pull away. Then i got horny and suggested we just listen to music so i sat on my computer chair and told her to sit on my lap. After she sat down on me i got so horny i grabbed her head and started making out again. Was getting really into it, super horny, no doubts at all, fully in the moment and enjoying it and started rubbing my hands over her legs and then thats when she pulled away. Sadly she had to wake up in only 7 hrs from that time and had a 30 minute drive home so i had her leave. It seemed like she was really into me.

After that she responds warmly to my texts but then ignores half them as well and seems very flaky about meeting up again(she is really busy, single mom). After 2 weeks of this i give up and say something
"Hey Mallory, I'm guessing you dont wanna hang out again, i still think youre cool though, and you are funny even though you said you aren't Have a goodnigh tonight, don't get too drunk " (She told me she was partying that night)

Then she responded apologizing saying she ignores her phone when she drinks and said she wouldn't be able to hang out the next day because she'd be too hungover and that she wasn't just saying that. Basically keeping this half on half off thing going.

A couple weeks later went by though and still she was ignoring me half the time so i gave up again.

Then yesterday i find out from a guy named jake who works at the bowling alley that he knows her from tinder and that she sent him all these half nude pics but would never hang out with him. So i sent her a selfie of us both.

I started wondering if she is even sleeping with anybody. I figured she knew a cooler guy than me but then figured that maybe she's just a dumb really hot girl whos not even having any sex.

Then today i started this text conversationg with her
Me: "I bet youre a real heartbreaker are you going to hang out with Jake?"
Her: Lol what
Her: Um idk honestly he seems cool but idk
Me: You really dont know why not? Lol u gotta have some reason right lol
Her: Lack of a spark i guess. we could be friends but i don't think thats what he's looking for.
Her: Maybe I'm not giving him a fair chance lol
Me: Yeah maybe you should lol
Her: Give him a chance?
Me: Yes haha u do give some guys chances right?
Her: Lol not really?
Me: Lol Mallory! Youre so beautiful, I really hope u have a cool guy that you u hang out with, you do right? Lol
Her: Well all my friends are pretty much guys so does that count
Me: U know what i mean tho, something more than just a friend right?
Me: Im not judging u, like i hope you do lol
Her: Why though lol why do you hope that
Me: Cuz u should take advantage lol everybody wants to, unless your a buddhist monk lol
Her: Take advantage of what? Lol what does everybody want to?
Me: Have something more than just a friend with a person of the opposite sex, even if its not a serious relationship, u get what im saying?
Me: Unless your gay/lesbian, but u get the point lol
Her: I don't like just fucking people. I always get attached because if I can't see myself dating someone I don't want to fuck them.
Her: I don't have the time or energy for that
Me: And its hard to find someone that will commit to you?
Her: That's just it. And a lot of guys don't get that I'm busy af lol guys our age don't want to commit to a girl with a kid.
Her: Most them anyway
Me: Damn, understandable, sorry if i seem nosy as fuck lol but i was just curious, i think i get u lol youre afraid to give guys a chance because you get attached youre afraid they wont commit with your kid?
Her: I've kind of given up on dating for the time being
Me: I see, thats too bad, youre gonna leave a lot of guys disappointed lol you also like attention though right because who doesn't and that is why u never tell guys like me and jake no or else youre just afraid to say no because you dont wanna hurt peoples feelings?
Her: I'm too nice probably. I really don't know how to tell people no.... I know it's a lot worse to not just come out and say it. I mean in all honesty i like you...more than i like Jake but i mean.... yeah that's just where I'm at right now.
Her: Plus i really had no idea what you were trying to do lol if you actually wanted to know me or if you just wanted someone to fuck
Me: Haha well cool thanks for the honesty, damn I guess i suck at letting my intentions known lol probly cuz i didn't know what i wanted, i mean you made me super horny lmao but i think youre really cool as well. I wasn't really thinking ahead.

And thats where the convo ended, she didn't respond back and im not surprised, i didnt know what else to say. This girl has a kid, is there anyway u guys think i could still turn her into a fuck buddy? She does have a kid so i don't wanna be her boyfriend and fatherly figure. Sad because this girl actually seems really cool. Like cooler than most the girls ive had dates with lately. Could be my brain tricking me because of how hot she is but her personality seems really awesome as well.

Any suggestings please?

Also how do i not do this again in the future? 6 months ago at a different job there was a really hot girl who was super flirty with me, i got her number and she agreed to hang out twice but flaked both times. I found out 6 months later she said she wanted to hang out but she was afraid because she was afraid of catching feelings and she didn't know what i was looking for, it it was just fwb or something serious. When i asked her if she's looking for something serious she said yes.

Am i doing something wrong? I mean some girls find out im sleeping with others and they dont care, but are some girls just never okay with that, or am i messing up?

 

[ray_zorse]

I don't think it's an issue that she has a kid, if anything it's an advantage as she'll be all business, not much dating window and wanting to get laid every time she dates... you'll also be able to booty call her at night while her child is sleeping.

If I were you I'd just be a lot more direct "haha I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to fuck you, I wasn't looking for relationship right now, although maybe I wouldn't rule it out with the right person"... this lets her know your intentions, leaves you totally open to fuck her and move on if that's your choice, yet also lets you change your mind if the sex is amazing and you click really well as people... and also tells her you're not easy and she will have to chase a bit if she wants a commitment.

Ray

 

[Bboy100]

Never been in the exact same position as you, so I might just be blowing steam up your ass. Having said that, failed escalations usually make it very difficult to meet a girl again. I would link you an article about it, but I'm having a hard time finding it. <---This alone might have killed you.

Having said that, the you may have also failed to take into account the nature of texting. She might have perceived your texts as needy, hostile, aggressive, jealous etc. depending on how she was feeling at the time. You have to remember that text does a terrible job of conveying body language and tonality.

For example, when you were asking her about her intentions and giving guys a chance, this can be ok IRL if you keep a calm demeanor. But over text, she easily might perceive you as saying this in a needy or hostile/cold/judgmental voice (because that's the way most guys have conversations like the one you described!). This of course, is very bad. To make matters worse, you made a huge portion of the conversation about this Jake character. Even in normal conversations, most girls would perceive this as mate guarding/jealousy. That probably doubles over text.

If I were you, I would have cut conversation about this Jake out entirely. Then, if you wanted to confront her about what her intentions are, I would have called her, that way she would have a better read on your voice. She would then understand that you're still warm, and you're also calm/ in control.

Otherwise, if you insist on continuing to text her, I would recommend that you drop whatever happened in the past and just try to persist that she see you again. So basically, this would mean writing the standard second date text.

As for the failed escalation itself...this quote says it all.

plus i really had no idea what you were trying to do lol if you actually wanted to know me or if you just wanted someone to fuck

Basically, what this really translates to is " I'm attracted to you, and I'm considering having sex with you. The only issue is that I don't feel comfortable with you and I don't really trust you enough". So basically, you probably should have went back and built more comfort when she put up resistance than tried again.

Hope this helps!

 

[Ross]

Dylweed,

In all honesty this one sounds like a fish dead in the water. She knows she has you, and she has no reason to go further for sex unless she gets particularly horny. You caved in and chased, which causes attraction to turn wayyy down.

This is how most failed escalations work; you've just got to persist past those initial hangups, and if you can't seal the deal that night don't let your guard down!

 

[Lotus]

You caved in and chased, which causes attraction to turn wayyy down.

Summed up nicely.

"Hey Mallory, I'm guessing you dont wanna hang out again, i still think youre cool though, and you are funny even though you said you aren't Have a goodnigh tonight, don't get too drunk "

Nothing good is ever going to come from a text like that... You're admitting you're coming from a position of weakness. Whether she was think it or not before... she now is

 

[HellAtlantic]

Your texts come off as totally needy. I didn't read them all cuz I started to feel awkward. I think your only play is to try to arrange a work outing where there's other coworkers around and focus on talking to other female coworkers. Let her see that. Let her see the side of you that comfy talking to other females and building attraction and flirting with them. That should erase the needy images she now has of you. Then at some point in the nite you could reengage her. You basically have work to do to erase that image of neediness you put in her head.

 

[Dylweed]

Thanks guys, yeah i definitely felt very needy with this girl and im sure she could tell through the texts.

I really liked this girl when we hung out and it seemed like she really liked me and with her being so hot it made me feel needy when she started ignoring some of my texts.

I had honestly just given up before that last text convo and i was just trying to understand her not realizing that you will never be able to logically understand a female lmao

I'll try to ask her in person one more time about hanging out and see how that goes, hopefully i can, we barely see each other at work, or else ill try text again. Who knows. After all this i did basically text her exactly what ray suggested, she responded, "well thanks for being honest lol"

we'll see how it goes

do you guys think she basically just was not attracted enough to want to hang out again and thats why she had done all the ignoring and shit before all this and then when i logically asked her about it she made up that shit about her about liking me and not wanting to catch feeling and about not knowing my intentions?