Managing expectations in a relationship

[Lithuanian]

Hey guys,

I read a few articles about expectations and it made me realize what's wrong with my relationship with my girl. At the beginning of our relationship, I tried to be myself and not be her marionette. But once when she called me by phone, I said that I can't talk to her because I'm with my friend. That's when it started. She got mad and won't talk with me for a week. From then on somwthing similar was repeated several times and I apologised both times. From then on I always tried to please her.

One month ago she went to pupillage for 5 months in another country (several thousand kilometers away) and we're talking on skype just once a week. Last week she wrote me first for the first time she was there and we talked on skype. She said, that next weekend (now, this weekend) she will have 4 free days and she's inviting me to Luxembourg (because she said earlier that I have to ask her if she's not busy if I want to come to her). I said, that I just started my new job, I have several new clients and will have to work next weekend. Her mood left not very good. She said that she's free next weekend and she doesn't know, when's the next time she could be free (but she doesn't realy do anything on weekends because the city is empty and she has no friends). It sounded like she's manipulating me. I didn't come, of course, because I'm really busy. I wrote her yesterday, but she just said that she's fine and web conncetion is bad. I asked her what's wrong, she just wrote bad connection, bye. I congratulated her today with Easter but she didn't bother to write me back. She just doesn't respond to my messages.

Now, I understand that I set wrong expectations, but can I fix this? Is it too late for me? I know that maybe she will cool down after a week, but she costs me lots of nerves, but at the same time I love her so much.

 

[ray_zorse]

NEXT.

There isn't much to say here, damage is done IMO. Your first paragraph summarizes it perfectly. Once you fail a test and don't call her out on her behaviour, and/or lose your frame (apologizing and shit) the behaviour is repeated but worse. You can recover if you catch it early but honestly once a frame is set it cannot be reversed in any reasonable timeframe.

I am dealing with similar kind of shit right now, sigh... in my case it actually was my mistake the first time so I explained and tried to make it up to her, but I am starting to think this might have been a mistake since the same behaviour has now become a regular occurrence, I am still hopeful of reversing the trend but you know, it's difficult to get tough on someone you care about. It has to be done though. Learn for next time.

FWIW long distance relationships are tough. I have a theory that 3mths is the longest it can last, if you go and see her then that resets the clock to some extent but IMO problems start to appear after 1mth as emotions cool and life's pressures get in the way. And any relationship issues such as power imbalance or auto rejection or value issues or failing her tests... are greatly magnified. After a few months she'll basically be looking for a way to create an issue or a fight so she can break things off with a clear conscience (it's not her "fault" since she dragged you down to her level and made you reactive)... this is not too surprising given women's abundance. Honestly all these things can be navigated if you have the skills and experience but why bother? Live in the now, don't be future or past focused, and develop your own abundance. Good luck.

Ray

 

[Drck]

If she wants to be with you, allow her to be with you. If she wants to be distant, well, wave your hand, wish her good luck, and let her be distant.

 

[Lithuanian]

Hey, Ray, thanks for the answer.

But why you said that you're in a similar situation, but you'll try to fix things? You teach others by setting examples, right? Then, why can't I? I know that it's very difficult right now. I'm dating several girls now, but still thinking about the one who is far away. I think, maybe she'll forget recent problem, but I prepared to do big things to get her back and fix issue with expectations. Maybe there's an article about that or you could tell a few advices on that? If no, then that's no, but I'm determined person, and won't let my hands down so easily.