Managing reputation and avoiding unnecessary losses

[Jaimie Richards]

Hello, guys.

Before I begin with my first topic, I’d like to apologize for my somewhat non-focused style and probably awkward language (at least – from time to time). Due to not participating in any forum for about 10 years my style of penning down my stream of consciousness seems to me as weak and I know I have a long way to make it better. I’d also like to add that I’ve hesitated for a long time to post this, but I cannot see another way of getting advice from skilled players.

So, let’s go – but please bear in mind that I don’t know how to describe my particular introductory problem in a normal, non-braggart way. I don’t want to be a show-off here (or anywhere else).

The thing in its purest essence is quite simple: I’ve always been a very good student focused on lots of scientific stuff. Because of my results, I’m kinda well-known at my university, in a sense I’m one of its faces – I’m always shocked when people from different faculties know who I am even though I see them for the first time in my life... To say it in just one sentence: first come my reputation and, from the lack of a better word, ‘local fame’ , then it’s time for my body and last & least important for most people around me is my personality.

And that’s it – as I told ya, simple and at the same time something I can’t figure how to describe in a humble way… Yet that’s the very true nature of my problem. I get good reputation, respect, to my some of my friends I’m an authority etc., so I can’t complain about that. The difficulty in becoming better at social arts comes from the fact that I’m perceived from the outset of any new guy-girl relationship as someone with pretty high value => boyfriend/provider 99% of the time, 1% of being seen as a lover is just pure luck. My sexiness is too low and even if I manage to pull everything off in a proper way, it’s often too late.

What’s more, I have to manage my reputation – succeeding at being modern Casanova is not something helpful in scientific carrier in a monogamous, settlement-oriented country like mine… And quite frankly, that’s quite a small problem if we compare it to being known as smart guy with great ideas, but a creep at the same time – and that’s what I’m gonna get if I fail in being a good seducer.

TBH, it’s worth mentioning that I’m not a geeky science freak who can’t have good contact with people. On the contrary, forming valuable connections is usually not a matter of “will I be able to become friends with these girls/guys?”, it’s rather “how long will it take to be their friend?”. Most of the time, I just need some time to shatter the image of a geek/science freak which people match to my person even before meeting me. People who have known me for extended periods of time either like me or not – same story as for everyone – but they don’t view me as some weirdo anymore, they just see my normal, sane self.

These days I travel every day to the town where my university is placed, but if everything works fine, from autumn I’ll start my PhD there and also live in that town. Most of young female population in that place consists of students, so dating them seems to me something like dating at your workplace (which in fact is kinda true, the difference being I wouldn’t date workers, but customers – to use a metaphor here).

I don’t want to be paranoid, I realize that majority of people out there don’t know me, I’m just having a feeling that sooner or later – doing day game approaches – I’ll run into girls who do and I'll make fool of myself. Or run not into those who know me, but who have friends who do. Many girls like gossip and the last thing I need is being laughed at behind my back. And quite frankly, from my experience it’s just a matter of time before I run into someone who has heard of me, but hasn’t met me yet.

So thank you for reading this chaotic thread. Any advice will be greatly appreciated. It’s not that I don’t want to act, it’s rather that I’m quite scared and can’t figure how to tackle the obstacles. After all, I believe that it’s better to be safe than to regret.

Thanks again, guys.
Yours,
Jaimie

 

[Jaimie Richards]

I've reread my post and I've come to a conclusion that I was focused on problem description rather than on asking questions. Therefore, I'd like to ask some just to be clear:

1. In my situation, am I being irrational or not? If I am, how would a better situation view look like?
2. How should I properly disqualify myself as boyfriend candidate or provider in such situation?
3. How much of sexual openness to women can I show without major harm to good reputation at my future workplace and current school?
4. Would be dating students from other faculties a good idea or something counterproductive on my current mission? Should I abandon the idea of university dating at all and seek lovers outside of it?
5. Do I correctly treat PhD/teacher - student relationship as romance in the workplace or am I wrong?
6. How long car ride can be considered as good logistics? (Because if I am to date outside of my university, distance between univ.-town and other big towns can be everything from 20-min. to >1h ride.)
7. How can I evolve from being perceived as nice* high-status guy to sexy high-status guy?
8. How to decrease my perceived value so dating would be easier?
9. What inner game tactics would be most suitable for me right now?

(*nice not 100% in a Nice Guy sense, but rather someone honest, helpful and uplifting yet not sexy)

To me, this whole situation seems something like reversed Whore/Madonna syndrome - I'd like to be naughty, yet I'm forced not to show it. From personal observation and already gained experience: up to now the less girl knows about who I am, the easier and more fun dating becomes. Getting a date at my univ. is possible for me most of the time either a) with bigger age gap (like 4 years - dating new female students) or b) when a given girl wants to get something (like help at learning). Some supposed dates turn out to be meetings with a girl and her female friends who also want something from me.

Thanks again, fellas.
Yours,
Jaimie

 

[ray_zorse]

Well firstly I would regard dating in your faculty or through any other students that know you or societies you belong to, as social circle game. Whereas you can also cold approach on campus and meet girls that don't know you or anything about you, and that would be day game.

The normal caveats apply to social circle game. It's very reputation dependent, as you noticed. And it's best to go in a bit lower key with social circle game. I wouldn't go around telling all the girls in your social circle they are cute and you want to date them, because it will get around that you say the same thing to all of them. Instead you have to kind of feel your way a little. That doesn't mean not being direct, it often happens you sense a connection the instant you meet / are introduced to someone (this happened to me recently) and so it's good to tell her she's beautiful or whatnot.

Incidentally, in social circle game try to get her number, because it will kill you to invite her out in front of friends, or to visit her in her office if it's a shared office, or anything of that nature, she'll have to throw you under a bus. But once you get her number it's only you and her. Say you propose to call in the following day to discuss her research, if not convenient get her number. She might be confused what you want her number for. But just get that number. You can always ring her and say you wanted to talk to her without all the other students listening, and then propose a date. Or whatever.

As a student I would recommend not to game your teachers, it might be considered disrespectful, and at the very least it will complicate matters. Also, women are generally not attracted to men they lead. And, they're strictly speaking not supposed to date their students, although I know at least one teacher who married his student. Hmm. Gaming a teacher in the same department / faculty is probably risky, although I can't see any problem if there's no professional relationship. However, there's nothing wrong with being flirtatious with your teachers and using compliments/touch occasionally if you keep it to an appropriate level.

I'm not sure about your other questions, either you can answer them yourself or the answers will take a bit of work (making yourself sexy... is a many faceted thing). As to your concern about reputation / perceived value / boyfriend candidate, you'll probably have to live with how things are, but I would suggest to do a lot more cold approach. Although I haven't given up on social circle game (I regularly attend postgraduate mixers and chat with cute women and have recently joined postgraduate committee to be involved in organizing these mixers and other social events, also dig the president of the committee haha), nearly all of the action for me takes place via cold approach (you might also consider dating websites) since it's just so much easier and less restricting, especially if you are learning. Having said that, with 6 months of solid cold approach experience and innumerable dates under my belt I'm noticing I'm much better at social circle.

Ray

PS. Gdzie w Polsce mieszkasz? Ja bylem w Poznaniu to blisko miejsce dlugo czas temu.

 

[Jaimie Richards]

Thanks Ray for truly awesome response!

First of all, it's really eye-opening - I only thought about my situation as a workplace scenario, but your social circle concept shattered that kinda wrong image. Also, now I finally know where my misconception came from. Due to being non-native English speaker I thought about social circles from different perspective as I followed logic of my own native language. Therefore, when I read about it on GC, I used to think that social circle = group of close friends / class or university group learning together (like 30 people with the same schedule) / family / specific teams (like sports). I never truly thought about it in larger scale, like university-scale/school-scale/company-scale, so I never truly focused on such articles 'cause I never even wanted to date in a small group which is close to me (mostly due to my own insecurities connected with lack of confidence in my pick-up skills and possibility of reputation depletion).

Also, your advice truly resonate with me, so I'll try to apply them ASAP. With these in mind, I have a plan - after Easter I'll do solid, thorough revision of social circle GC stuff and I'll post questions that will come to mind with this new perspective. By that time, I'll do some day game whenever possible with my hectic schedule.

Thanks again for help, R!

Jaimie

P.S. Wyslalem Ci wiadomosc