- Joined
- Nov 12, 2021
- Messages
- 72
SOME OBSERVATIONS SO FAR
The lie of the land
1. Being married need not be an obstacle to flirtation, interest or getting a first date, whether in social circle or by cold approach. Women can sometimes be very unfussed about the man being married.
2. Occasionally, it might not even be an obstacle if the woman herself has a serious relationship. So don't be put off trying if there seems to be an opportunity on offer. The fact that you're married but willing to "transgress" can make her feel freer to do the same, if she's interested in that.
Preparing yourself
3. Embrace what you're doing and believe in it. Be well-centred in yourself. As a married man, you need to be even clearer and more decisive than otherwise. If you hesitate - e.g. through nerves and a possible bad conscience about "cheating" - you will not set a convincing sexual frame and might even stay stuck in a platonic frame. A woman will detect that very quickly and adapt, going into auto-rejection very fast.
From first meeting to first asking out
7. Let the woman know on first acquaintance that you're married, mentioning it in a natural way. This has two key advantages.
9. Ask her out just as if you're single. As she already knows you're married, you don't need to mention it again and she can make her own choices. Messaging is a good way to do this as it gives her space to decide.
10. The asking out timeframe should be short, just as if cold approach when single. There's usually no reason to leave it past two (2) days from first acquaintance. You want to transition quickly from a social encounter to a 1-1 rapport IRL.
11. Coffee works as a good first date. Suggest grabbing a coffee and ask her schedule. It gives both of you plausible deniability. Be low key about the invitation and don't use the word "date". (Even single guys shouldn't.) Don't use any pretext/excuse for meeting either. Just suggest meeting.
On the first date
12. The most likely date template you'll need is the Informational Date. She's probably barely met you plus she's got to figure out the lie of the land as you're married. That's some serious processing for her to do very fast. Help her along.
13. Regardless of how much or how little flirting happened beforehand, a woman might not appear to be flirty at all once you're actually on the date. Given that you're married, it's actually very likely she won't be. She's definitely interested in you as she otherwise wouldn't be there; but her ASD is already floating over her shoulder, so don't expect her to lead you on during the date. She most likely needs you to lead.
14. If, as is most likely, she's not flirty on the date, it can be quite disconcerting if you're inexperienced. But don't lose your nerve. She has come out for some 1-1 social time IRL with a married man, with no pretext. That in itself is a signal. Have the confidence of knowing that she now expects you to make your move.
15. ACCEPT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. A sexual frame now needs to be initiated asap.
Why a sexual frame on Date 1 matters
16. There is nothing gallant or chivalric about failing to deliver on item 15. If you fail to deliver on it, you're actually letting her down and wasting her time. That's not gallant. It's frustrating, annoying and rude. Hence in part why a woman who auto-rejects goes so cold and almost never cuts you any slack ever again. Worse than being friend-zoned, she will probably refuse even to have you as a friend. At best, you'll see her purely in social circle after that.
17. If you screw up Date 1 (e.g. through nerves/guilt) but are otherwise an observant person, you'll actually see and hear the auto-rejection unfold before you as the date progresses. Save yourself this car-crash feeling and regret. Make a move on item 15 or don't date in the first place.
18. If you screw up, there will be no more escalation window and no Date 2. Finito pal. You blew it. Find another girl and start over.
The lie of the land
1. Being married need not be an obstacle to flirtation, interest or getting a first date, whether in social circle or by cold approach. Women can sometimes be very unfussed about the man being married.
- In fact, men who are known to be "taken" have been found to be more attractive because of the biological phenomenon called "mate choice copying". A married man is "pre-approved", so to speak.
2. Occasionally, it might not even be an obstacle if the woman herself has a serious relationship. So don't be put off trying if there seems to be an opportunity on offer. The fact that you're married but willing to "transgress" can make her feel freer to do the same, if she's interested in that.
Preparing yourself
3. Embrace what you're doing and believe in it. Be well-centred in yourself. As a married man, you need to be even clearer and more decisive than otherwise. If you hesitate - e.g. through nerves and a possible bad conscience about "cheating" - you will not set a convincing sexual frame and might even stay stuck in a platonic frame. A woman will detect that very quickly and adapt, going into auto-rejection very fast.
- As you're married, she has the added motivation of avoiding the potential drama that'll happen because you, the man, are not really as ready to play as you thought you are. If you've screened well, she's a woman who does not want drama.
- To put this another way, in order to move confidently from a social to a sexual frame, and for the external sexual frame to be convincing, you need to have an internal sexual frame too. This allows you to have congruence between how you see yourself and how you behave outwardly towards the woman.
- Getting hung up and gooey-eyed is bad for a married man.
- Enjoying the company of women in a level-headed way is good for a married man.
- your sexual pleasure and orgasms;
- enjoying being with a woman for her sexual pleasure and orgasms;
- appreciating diversity in your experience of womankind;
- enjoying self-actualization as a man who has desires.
- guilt, if you haven't committed to item 3;
- STDs;
- chaos in your marriage if discovered.
From first meeting to first asking out
7. Let the woman know on first acquaintance that you're married, mentioning it in a natural way. This has two key advantages.
- It acts as a form of screening for those women who are willing to come and play regardless.
- It avoids the backfire of a later "reveal".
9. Ask her out just as if you're single. As she already knows you're married, you don't need to mention it again and she can make her own choices. Messaging is a good way to do this as it gives her space to decide.
10. The asking out timeframe should be short, just as if cold approach when single. There's usually no reason to leave it past two (2) days from first acquaintance. You want to transition quickly from a social encounter to a 1-1 rapport IRL.
11. Coffee works as a good first date. Suggest grabbing a coffee and ask her schedule. It gives both of you plausible deniability. Be low key about the invitation and don't use the word "date". (Even single guys shouldn't.) Don't use any pretext/excuse for meeting either. Just suggest meeting.
- If she asks why, be honest. Say, e.g., "I found you attractive and I'd like to spend time with you." It's a further screening opportunity, if it comes up at all. It usually won't if you've screened well.
On the first date
12. The most likely date template you'll need is the Informational Date. She's probably barely met you plus she's got to figure out the lie of the land as you're married. That's some serious processing for her to do very fast. Help her along.
13. Regardless of how much or how little flirting happened beforehand, a woman might not appear to be flirty at all once you're actually on the date. Given that you're married, it's actually very likely she won't be. She's definitely interested in you as she otherwise wouldn't be there; but her ASD is already floating over her shoulder, so don't expect her to lead you on during the date. She most likely needs you to lead.
14. If, as is most likely, she's not flirty on the date, it can be quite disconcerting if you're inexperienced. But don't lose your nerve. She has come out for some 1-1 social time IRL with a married man, with no pretext. That in itself is a signal. Have the confidence of knowing that she now expects you to make your move.
15. ACCEPT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. A sexual frame now needs to be initiated asap.
- Do this before the first cup of coffee is finished. There may be no second cup.
- Any more than 30 minutes into Date 1 is really pushing it, as the vibe for the date as a whole can soon settle into being platonic.
- Any less than 30 minutes to exploit that frame before the date needs to end is a squeeze. So, with a 1-hour coffee date, maybe on her lunch break from an office, plan on starting it maximum half way through.
- Earlier than 30 minutes into a date is certainly better. There are ways to do this at any point from sitting down together at the start.
- On a date longer than 1 hour, still keep to the 30-minute cap on when to start, and aim for earlier, in order to allow more time to develop it.
Why a sexual frame on Date 1 matters
16. There is nothing gallant or chivalric about failing to deliver on item 15. If you fail to deliver on it, you're actually letting her down and wasting her time. That's not gallant. It's frustrating, annoying and rude. Hence in part why a woman who auto-rejects goes so cold and almost never cuts you any slack ever again. Worse than being friend-zoned, she will probably refuse even to have you as a friend. At best, you'll see her purely in social circle after that.
17. If you screw up Date 1 (e.g. through nerves/guilt) but are otherwise an observant person, you'll actually see and hear the auto-rejection unfold before you as the date progresses. Save yourself this car-crash feeling and regret. Make a move on item 15 or don't date in the first place.
18. If you screw up, there will be no more escalation window and no Date 2. Finito pal. You blew it. Find another girl and start over.
