Misfit and feeling out of place compared to other people in their 20s.

[Indian Race Troll (IRT)]

I had an unusual upbringing in the sense that I went to middle school and high school in an impoverished part of town, place people refer to as "the hood". Then I went off to college and I was mainly around upper middle class suburban kids.

The issue I've been having ever since graduating school is finding a fit and I feel like this is affecting me with women as well. It's not as much as I don't know how to relate to people, it's more than I don't know how to find my fit and my circle in a way.

Like when I went into college, I thought it was about studying, getting good grades, getting a job after graduation, and some socializing along the way. What I found was that it was a lot of partying, drinking, getting wasted, spring breaks, vacations, climbing a social ladder, Greek Life, and stuff I was unfamiliar with. It's like other kids going into college knew that part of the game because they grew up in suburbs where everyone was aware of how college might be like but I missed it because most kids from my high school didn't even go to college.

Now I am in my 20s and feel, lost. I feel like other 20 somethings are doing things and having certain life experiences I am not having but I don't know what those life experiences are.

I also feel like in a way this is making me into an outcast among people my age and will hurt me with women around my age as well.

Any advice on how to approach this problem?

 

[WayOfHand]

So you lack experience and reference points? Seems obvious but I still feel I need to say it: then go get some more! Anyways, I think that its very subjective what in sense of experience really is "enough". Its always to whom you compare. Mayby try comparing to yourself. Have you evolved in, say last year? If so then you are on the right path my friend. All you need to do is forge ahead.

 

[Smurf]

WayOfHand is right. You need more experience to work from.

I believe Richard from the boards also had an up bringing in a rough neighborhood if I have my facts right. He's tribal elder now if that's any testament to the way he used his leverage to his advantage.

You need to go out. Now. Get some experience. Go out for a week and approach everyday. Report back with some findings. If you do that I can help you more.

Jake.

 

[Drck]

Feeling alone and being a misfit may not be that uncommon, when you think about it it is actually quite a deep feeling, and it also touches the core of human behaviors, including religions itself...

When you feel that loneliness you want to be connected, you want to be with people, you want to be part of some group, you want to be happy, you want to be admired and needed by someone... You want others to notice you and admire you, your skills, knowledge, behavior...

So then you go between people, but you realize that most human interactions are just superficial. You may go to a party or join some other group of people who are getting wasted, but after a while you may get bored as the discussions and interactions are not really bringing you anything fulfilling... You realize that nobody really admires you, nobody really needs you... That people who are getting wasted are simply just trying to escape reality... It's all just empty, you might get so bored and annoyed by those people that you actually wish that you were not there at all... So many times you leave and you will never go back, you will have no desire to be part of that particular wasted group...

We people can't stand that feeling of loneliness, we find many escapes, we want to be part of something... For example:

* Some will join different or even special groups: It could be gangs, local sport teams, online community, secret societies, local reading club, political organization... Most of us simply want to be a part of some 'special' group, we want to belong somewhere, we want to have some special connection with people who have similar view on world, who understand our thoughts, and perhaps who admire our behavior and thoughts... Many of us want to have some unique knowledge and skills that others like and admire... Admiration of others is just a form of connection with others...

* Some may escape the loneliness through excessive use of electronics, games, online chatting, porn... Many people simply escape reality of loneliness through these activities. Observe different groups of people, these days in stead of socializing they are spending all their time in online world, creating different identities, living different realities and identities... You (all of us here) post online just because you want to be connected to some people who have similar views...

* Some are getting addicted to drugs, alcohol, food... Think about it, lonely persons usually feel depressed, so they simply want to get high... Drugs, alcohol and food (and sex) create highly pleasurable feelings, it is very easy for people to get addicted to any of these as they bring high pleasurable feelings... See how many people are overweight these days, see how many people are watching porn... Food, alcohol, drugs and sex, all is just an escape from feeling lonely, feeling down...

* Other people get addicted to other different activities as well, it may not be true addiction (as a disease) but think how many out there are simply e.g. workaholics... Does work make them feel good? It does, the constant activity, that constant running around and doing things is just a simple escape from that feeling of loneliness... They will do anything just so they don't sit home and feel lonely...

* Some may escape through social life itself... So called 'social butterflies' always have to be surrounded by many people, they must have hundreds and thousands of "friends" who give them attention and admire their selfies online... Look at FB, most of the posting have no real substance, it is just pure fantasy, silliness, just a desire to show off and then be liked or admired by others... It's just a desire and addiction to be constantly surrounded by attention from different people... get lots of likes makes people feel good, it makes people feel that others are connected and they are not alone... Also look at actors, famous people... They all want to be admired, all of them are seeking that attention and fame... It is all just a desire to suppress their loneliness...

* Some (most) seek close relationships with other people, we have that need to be with stable partner and have family... Most people don't want to keep jumping from partner to partner, get to known hundreds of different partners superficially... We want that deeper connection with someone special, we want to be surrounded by good friends and close family members... It's ten thousands of time better to have a family than to be alone...

* Some may suppress that feeling of loneliness by excessive thinking and studying... Introverts just know they can't connect easily with other people no matter what they do, their thoughts are way deeper than casual human interactions... They have to analyze, study, understand, solve, think deeper and deeper... So many become great analytical thinkers, great engineers, amazing problem solvers... They keep thinking and thinking, just to escape that feeling of loneliness...

* Also think about religions... How many people really want to be connected with and be loved by God? Many people want to be with God, they can't stand that feeling of loneliness... Many become obsessed with Eternal God... They really want to be connected with God, because they know that being connected with other people is just superficial, short lasting, not fulfilling... Being with God means escaping loneliness forever and ever through his Love... When you think about it - should God exist at first place - he himself must have been very lonely... which was the original reason he created the Entire Universe...


--------------------

So very deep thoughts and feelings you have there, and there are no easy answers... We are all alone, we are born alone and we will die alone... That is harsh reality, it is only a question who has courage to admit it... You may continue to seek fulfillment thought different parties, through getting wasted and so forth, through chasing hundreds of girls, but IMO you will not find any answers... You will only suppress the loneliness for some time, you will only postpone it...

Understanding and admitting loneliness is hard. You may try to escape through the above, but it will always come back... You may become a monk, meditate somewhere alone in Mountains, but you will not solve anything either as you will be lonely in the mountains as well...

Also, when you think about the neediness and clinginess that we guys experience while going after girls, the source is in loneliness... A guy feels lonely so he wants to be with some special girls, he wants her to make him happy, he wants to connect with her on different levels... But he does too much, he becomes too attached to that particular girl, he becomes too needy and too clingy to the point that she has to reject him... So he needs to learn to be happy while alone, to be happy without girls in his life...

IMO the best is moderate approach... Chose your social life wisely, keep trying to connect with different people, join some reasonable group of people, get to known a good girl(s) and prehaps have a family... You will always find people that you can connect with better, and people who you can't connect with no matter what you do... At the same time meditate about loneliness... Understand that loneliness is there, it is always there and it will not disappear...

... So no worries about being lonely in your loneliness, most people are lonely, and if they claim they are not - they just don't have the courage to face it and deal with it... Perhaps true happiness lies in finding courage to walk alone, while learning to be happy about it...

 

[Richard]

Jake,

Your facts are correct. I grew up mid-middle class but in a neighborhood that was predominantly lower class and I still live here while I'm in college.

Altair,

Best advice I can give you is stop basing your own happiness and success on other people. If everybody in college felt like jumping off a cliff was fun, would you do it? If the only way to move up in that clique was to jump from higher and higher heights, would you do it? Point is that what is fun and exciting for some college students is a turn off to others; partying, smoking weed, etc. has never been something I've thought much about and after going to parties, experiencing some Greek life, etc. I still know that it's not for me. Despite that, I'm still friends with frat guys, guys who smoke weed, and guys who party all the time.

Anyway, you've already kind of answered your own question. Go out and get those experiences - throw everything against the wall and see what sticks. I never thought I'd enjoy disc golfing until the Tool introduced me to it and now it's a cornerstone hobby and I've made a shit ton of friends within that community, same thing with pool, with chess, etc. You have to get out there and try things and see what meshes well with you and go from there.

If you don't like partying, drinking, smoking, Greek life then you know what doesn't make you happy. And none of this holds you back with women, either, I was never afforded the opportunities that you're talking about (again, I come from the same background as you) and I've dated/fucked a plethora of women. The only thing holding you back is you, you're imposing a lot of limitations on yourself, you're assuming that your background and lack of experience makes you unattractive/unrelatable and that's simply not the case. Go approach some women, try out new hobbies occasionally and work from there. Change doesn't happen over night, dude!

-Richard

 

[Indian Race Troll (IRT)]

Ah Richard, I think it is clear to you and most people what I want but I have no guidance on how to get it. I want to fit in with the fun party people after college and have the fun experiences with them, also crowds that draw a lot of attractive women.

Unfortunately, I have no idea on how to get there or what lifestyle choices to make.

What Drck said is true, I ideally want to be in the social butterfly crowd regardless of how fake people may say it is, have kinda always been this way. Sure I know how lonely life can get or whatever but I never really take friendships that personally anymore because I know how ephemeral most of them are after college.

So I guess I know what I want but have no idea on how to get it or if it even exists at the stage of life I am in.

 

[lao che]

a wiser man than me said "you only feel like you're on the outside because you think everyone else is on the inside"

it's such a common feeling, esp in your youth, to think that the fun is always happening somewhere else. that group is cooler than the group you're hanging with. they're having a better time, etc


if you wanna be a social butterfly (in fact often the emptiest and loneliest people are the ones who seem to be having the most fun) then you have to start making contacts, start your own groups, invite people from different backgrounds who you think might be a good fit start small and work your way up. be the man with the connections and the man who always knows someone who can. be a curator of people at your get-togethers and encourage them to stay in contact with each other also

I never really take friendships that personally anymore because ...

friendships need to be cultivated. it takes work. someone has to take it seriously, and if they aren't ..... and you won't ...

I also feel like in a way this is making me into an outcast among people my age and will hurt me with women around my age as well.

you're making yourself an outcast, because you're making a choice - "i don't want that" "i don't wanna hang out with those guys" "i don't wanna be like that group of people" - this is not a bad thing. you know what you don't want and have an idea of what you do want.
one last thing, being a lone wolf will only hurt your chances with girls if you let it.

 

[Richard]

a wiser man than me said "you only feel like you're on the outside because you think everyone else is on the inside"

Stealing this quote for future use.

Altair,

A while back Chase posted this exactly on another post of yours;

The second category is made up of the various guys we see wash in on here on the tide, hang around for a bit, ask increasingly frustrated questions about, "How do I build a rocket ship that will get me to Mars?" and we say, "Well, first, you're going to need to know how to build a rocket. So start practicing," and they say, "YEAH BUT HOW DO I BUILD A ROCKET SHIP THAT WILL GET ME TO MARS?" and we go, "Start with building rockets," and they go, "YOU'RE NOT LISTENING, I NEED A ROCKET SHIP THAT WILL GET ME TO MARS!!!"

Months and months later you're asking the exact same question and still not getting the results you want. Nobody is going to map out an entire blueprint for you to follow so that you get what you want, dude. If you want to get into the partying crowd then you just do it, find that crowd and talk to them. If you want to approach a girl and get laid, you start by just approaching her, etc. You don't need to know every single step of a journey to get your ass moving.

-Richard

 

[readjusting]

I think being a misfit is good.
I never drink alcohol. Anyways, when I went to the bar and sarge, I was the only guy who didn't drink. All of my makeouts, the girls were drunk while I was completely sober and I was executing the next steps.
But there's definitely some advantages in being a misfit.

 

[TheEcho]

A person can only help someone else if they truly want to be helped. I'm only going off of this one post, so I can't make any calls about where you stand, but you have to understand that to be helped, you must do your part (which isn't just read/hear/respond to advice).

Now, I can strongly identify with the situation of feeling like an outsider, a weirdo, even. I moved around a ton and didn't like TV or most anything else that everyone else was doing. I felt alone and sad a lot, but recently I've realized, there was dissonance between my conscious wants and subconscious desires. Looking back, people were willing (and liked) to hang out with me, yet I was always alone. Why? I subconsciously disliked the activities and what we spent time doing, thus, my ultimate course of action lead me to be alone, even if I told myself I wanted to be with others and be a "cool kid".

My one year in college, I wanted to party and bang party chicks, but after the first outing, I never found myself in another party. I consciously thought I wanted to be there and do that, but subconsciously, it didn't line up. This dissonance lead to a major lack of my own personality.

I've come to enjoy my own presence and I use affirmations to really mold myself into what I'd like to be ("I'm sexy, confident, magnetic. I am loved by beautiful women and can give them incredible experiences. I love life and getting to know new people." It's not set at all, it's super fluid for whatever you like). I say it out loud throughout the day, in a deep, strong voice, while holding a powerful posture. You're lying to yourself at first, but eventually, it starts becoming true and you form a personality off of what you chose (The Greatest Salesman In The World has awesome chapter-affirmations).

Embrace the solitude, you are free to become whatever you want without close "friends" trying to hold you in place, and once you really start forming a "self" you start strongly clicking with others with similar "selves".

Again, reading, and even replying, will accomplish nothing, you must act, and I personally found affirmations to be a revolutionary habit as someone who didn't feel I "belonged" to any group. I was a clean slate, nothing anyone else threw at me stuck unless I wanted it to, so I've chosen to make me what I want me to be, and you can too.

Best of luck,
Josh

 

[ResentMasculinity]

ya yet people say men become better with age, which bothers me at times