Re: History of Myself
Okay, time for some verbal diarrhea. No one will probably read this, but I just wanted to get it out on paper. Hope I don't hit the character limit.
Toddler: When I was a toddler, specialists wanted to teach my sign language cause they were convinced I would never talk (they never said what they thought I had). Thankfully, I finally started talking at a late age.
K - 8th grade: I was on the quiet side but I would talk. Hung out with all the nerds at school. The cool girls had nothing to do with me (didn't treat me bad, but definitely wouldn't give me the time of day), a few of the nerdy/freak girls liked me.
High School: High School messed with my self-image (in a good and bad way). I don't know if it was from me suddenly becoming tall or getting in shape (my brother pressured me to do football in junior high), but suddenly girls liked me. They would flirt (in an innocent way) with me, I would hear them talk about me from a distance, or my teachers or bosses would tell me (I was a good kid that the teachers liked). Problem is, I suddenly got really quiet. Like they literally called me the guy that never talks. This made things worst (well actually better) cause of the whole pre-selection thing. One girl would tell her friend she likes me and suddenly her friend would like me, too. Since I never talked I wouldn't do anything for her to disqualify/not like me (I guess they were okay with the not talking thing...maybe it just made me mysterious). Anyways, I thought I was God to women. I didn't go out with any of them cause I was waiting for that one special girl (now if I could only go back in time and slap myself).
College: The bubble burst. I was a no one that girls didn't want. Unless they were below average looking, no girl would go out of their way to meet me. But guess what? I was still the guy who never talked. Now that I was away from my family and few friends...I just became a super hermit like. I would barely go to class. I would literally walk around campus...and just do that....walk the campus and not talk to anyone like some weirdo. I kept walking further and further...I even got stuck on the the side of the highway one time
After College: Parents disowned me when they found out I had almost a 1.0 GPA for my first year. I told them I had some psychological problems, but they just yelled at me saying all I did was party (the only party I went to was with my brother's friend who dragged me to it...and guess what I was just quiet the whole time there). I ended up moving in with my grandparents, parents sold my car since they had the title and kept the money, lost all contact with my friends, and was in debt from school. After half a year my parents caved (I guess they expected me to cave after I "learned my lesson") and asked me to move back (they now lived in another state) and go to the community college down the street.
Long Road to a Degree: I was like 20 or 19 going to community college. Funny, I was on the fast track since I got my associates in two years (most people take 4). I tried to hangout and make friends with people, but nothing stuck. Then I went to the university the community college expected you to apply for. I even went to the dorms to make friends (despite being 21/22). It was terrible, the people in the dorm were low lives (just drank, did drugs, and spread STDs) and they hated me. Thought the quality of people would be better going from community college to the university. I joined different clubs trying to make friends. We did things together, but never made any real friends. I would be the only guy walking around campus Saturday morning cause I was the only loser we didn't go out on Friday. More walking w/o talking. Took forever to get my degree: about 8 years.
In those 8 years, I tried to start my own businesses with only failure (a lawn business and then a paint business after having a job at a paint desk for two years). Despite all the research I did on the internet and awesome (I thought) marketing I came up with those businesses failed. I did learn two things 1.) it really is who you know...people want to do business with their friends not the random advertisement and 2.) never do it alone, get a mentor, partner, or a friend you can discuss business matters. This will keep you from doing dumb ideas and they will give you smart ones. Two heads (even if one person is not that smart) is better than one. Being that didn't have friends or know how to talk to strangers I didn't have 1 or 2.
Also in those 8 years, I learned about the pickup community. Thought pickup was only for the clubs and bars. Since I never went (unless one of my school clubs were doing an event or if it was some meetup.com event going on) I decided to go out alone. I would drive out to the clubs and have an anxiety attack. I wouldn't even get of my car. I would just drive around for an hour trying to get the courage to go in. After a year of doing this...I finally broke through.
It sounds crazy, but I got foil and blocked all my windows. I had one window that was 8 feet by 8 feet (no joke) and it was a bitch to block out. Got a sleeping mask and ear plugs. Made sure I went to sleep around 3:00 PM and made sure I did not masturbate for a few days before (love the details?). I woke up at 12:00 AM alert and horny as hell. Got to the place at 1:00 AM and the anxiety hit me worst than ever. I said fuck that! I was so horny and frustrated at the situation and just pushed through. Awesome club by the way. From then on, every time I went out I would go to the club (sometimes I would get nervous and drive around but I would always end up going in). I called what I did an
X-Factor. Some factor (be it situation, person, thought, etc.) not normally part of the equation that allowed me to break out of my habit I had built (not going to clubs).
So I could go to clubs now solo. But I still couldn't approach. A years went by. I continued to go to clubs thinking this is going to be the day...I'm going to be this out going fun loving guy. Never happened. I did continue to read more and more stuff in the community. Finally, I started to reach out to other people on different forums to meet up. These people all had their problems as did I. But now I had people to go out with on the weekend. Took a few before I found some I connected with--3 to be exact. One moved back to his foreign country (nice guy), another I made out with the girl he liked. Before you judge me, he told me to go hit on her (like not even joking). Later, I figured out he really liked her (why would you put that idea in my head if you like her). Later, they are both super drunk and I'm putting up with the drama. He has a hotel near by cause he was expecting to get lucky and she is staying with her boss's friend or something, but an hour away. So with just me and her in the car she keeps telling me to kiss her and stuff. I resisted for about half an hour and I finally caved and kissed her. He found out (they worked in the same company but different offices) and confronted me. We hung out one last time but the friendship was over. I still feel bad about the situation.
Lesson learned, don't put yourself in that situation in the first place. The third guy got rid of me.
We would go out but neither of us would approach (I would get pissed and eventually do it but 99% of the time we just stood there). He indirectly told me he didn't want to hang out anymore...he was hanging out with guys who actually approached.
I realized with all 3, even though I was more aggressive with them, I didn't improve at all: my skills or my mental state. I would still go out alone and never approach. Thats when I remember the whole club thing. I needed an
X-Factor to break my habit and make me start approaching. Thought about it and realized I needed someone to consistently push unlike the people I met at the forums. So I paid for a coach. I didn't do a bootcamp cause I wanted just one person to focus on pushing me the whole time.
Called up a PUA company and set it up. It was so expensive (just for one day!) that I had to do a payment plan. I also had to drive to California to meet him. It was 4 hours of theory (waste cause I had read so much) and 4 hours of day game pickup (only did 3 cause I was exhausted at the end) in Santa Monica. The first few approaches I was nervous was hell. But after doing what felt like 50...I felt like I was in God mode. I would approach any girl, touch her, and flirt with her. It was like my reality was overpowering hers and she couldn't do anything about it. I could tell by the look on my instructor's face even he was impressed. We grabbed dinner and he gave me some homework assignments. The
X-Factor worked! I drove back home as a new man! So I thought...
The next weekend at home I went out to the book stores (felt I had the best success at these while at Santa Monica). I approached 2.5 girls (one girl opened me right before I could...not entirely sure if I was going to go through with it so ya giving myself 1/2 on that one). And I had like scared beta conversations too...one girl couldn't even help but laugh cause I sounded so pathetic. The next day the approaches went to 0.
Work: I finally landed a job (60-100 hours per week YAH!). I saved the weekend to go to the malls, book stores, etc. But I didn't approach. I walked around like I did before. Each weekend I thought, this is it! This is going to be the weekend I become this fun loving out going guy! Never happened. A year passed (time flies when you are working :/ ). I had to get back with a coach and do something about this.
I signed up for a bootcamp. I figured it would be good to have other guys and it would be a different experience. It was in Vegas. I hated the classrooms cause I already read this stuff so many times. Approaches went okay. My fears came true that I didn't get enough push, since I was with others, to "break through." So no God Mode for me that day. But something else happened. All the instructors were f-ing a-holes! All passive aggressive, talked down to you, and when they talked well of you they did it by bad mouthing prior students. You knew they are talking sh!t behind your back. They hugged everyone at the end of the day...made me want to throw up. After sleeping on it I said F this and demanded my money back. After I got home I had to threaten getting my lawyer (I have no lawyer...) involved to get my money back ("100% refund no questions asked"...ya right).
I didn't want to put up with those people again. And I had work to worry about when I got home so I forgot about it. I would still go out again on the weekends to do daygame...but would still not approach....finally I said screw it...first person I see I'm going to ask for directions, male or female; ugly or hot; kid or an old fart. It worked! I finally approached someone random at my mall I pretended to go where I had asked and later asked 3 other people for more directions. Did I break the curse? Nope, I went back to the habit of just walking the mall again the next weekend.
I kept reading. I learned two things: 1.) Studying psychology I learned about exposure therapy. I had already saw some psychologists (one at my university and one when I started the job because of work anxiety). Problem is they are just people in the end. They want to get you on their program even so you come back every week or two even if it doesn't work. Its the system that is broken. They don't prescribe what works. I tried finding a good one pretty recently, but I could tell he was full of it. However, I do believe in University studies...its the best science (explaining cause and effect) we have. This stuff tells the truth! The thing with exposure therapy: it has to be gradual and consistent (not one day of pickup). 2.) Baby steps in getting over approach anxiety. It goes hand in hand with exposure therapy (gradual and consistent exposure). I implemented what these pickup artist described as baby steps. It seemed to work and gain a little momentum. Ask for the time, then ask for direction, tell them you like their shirt, ask them if they are single. But it fizzled like before. It just lost momentum.
I ended up quitting my job out of the blue. I was just miserable. I don't think I dealt with more stress that other people did. But unlike other people, I didn't have a weekend with friends to look forward to. Sure I would spend my money on great stuff (massages, strip clubs...maybe women if you know what I mean). But they didn't do it...I was all alone. Having friends and great times just fills the void like nothing else can.
Right after, I went traveling. All across the country. Thought somehow I would start over. I even gave thought to being homeless. I had been thinking about it for a few years. But (today as I am writing this) I realized I would hit permanent hermit mode and never talk to anyone again. Anyways, while traveling the country, I would walk around busy places (usually tourist spots) still hoping I would suddenly start day game. I did a few baby step approaches (like ask for the time or directions). Shame cause I could tell a few girls wanted me to continue the conversation. Traveling across the country was very fulfilling spirit wise. Glad I did it.
After a year (yes a year of being jobless...I did try to do a website design company but it never took off despite all the networking events I did/giving out my cards to people) I gave up and decided to get a job that wouldn't stress me. There isn't really a job like that. Loved working with kids so I decided to be teacher. I loved teaching the kids...but it still had the stressed like the other job (just watered down). This was literally the BEST teaching job out there. I get to make my own curriculum (means I could make it fun for me and them) and I only taught three days (leaving two to do what I needed to get done). There was other misc crap to put up with (namely the admin aholes) but if I can't do this job I can't do any job. I need to get this stuff handled. Or I'm going to go insane.
So I left the "best job ever" to get my shit handled, but I had no real plan. I would try to do this or that (job or pickup wise) and it would fizzle. I wish I had someone to talk to about...but I don't. At least not in person. At least not being completely honest about everything.
Finally, I'm like ya, only the
X-Factor has really worked (does saying x-factor make me sound crazy? sorry I'm a math guy I just think of the variable "x"). I need a one-on-one coach to push me. Actually, I had been looking for this for sometime. It is just hard to find in my area and expensive to travel to someone and pay their outrageous fees. Went to a meetup.com event for picking up women (meetup.com stuff SUCKS but I felt some momentum building and figured attending this would keep it going). Came across a guy who was coaching. Took me a few weeks, but I convinced him to coach for me 1 hour (wanted me to do a packaged deal), pickup as a local college campus. Still super expensive, but I could afford one hour. We went to the campus together and sure enough we were opening girls left and right. Opener was where to eat lunch if it was your last day here. Okay opener, I would have preferred the are you single opener. I finally got one where it felt really natural. I think I could have pushed it some more and gotten a number.
The next day I went to the campus all by myself and I just couldn't approach. I got very depressed. Can't afford to keep paying for coaching.
That brings me here. I can approach, I just need that consistency and gradually with some accountability.
