My first date?

[Skippy]

EDIT: I realize this is a long post, so feel free to just skip to the questions at the bottom. In hindsight, the details in the body of this message probably arent that important because I'm sure there are millions of situations like these. so the main thing is, I think I have a date and I think the girl is interested in me haha.


Hey guys, I wanted to have a post introducing myself before I started posting on girlschase, but I realize I've just been using that as an excuse for not posting, so here's a short introduction for now, I'll actually introduce myself in detail soon, I promise!

I'm currently a junior in college, and I've been lurking on girlschase for a while, but I really need to start taking action, otherwise, I'm not going to get any action

Onto the situation: So I was at a school club meeting today(I've been more active in clubs this year, to try and meet girls) and during the middle this girl walked in who caught my attention. Even though there was only 5 of us, we were in a big auditorium. I think a couple times, she looked over and glanced in my direction so I took it as a sign of interest and I told myself I have to approach her. Usually, what I try to do is, when the club meetings end, I try to chat up a girl as we are heading out together and its worked pretty well in the past, but it was usually spontaneous and I didn't really have anything planned to open with, and there have been plenty of times when I chickened out.

So when the meeting ended, I walk out and timed it so that we would walk out together. I was walking next to her and before I could think of what to say, she turns to me and starts;

Girl: So have you decided for sure you want to be [career]?(We were talking about internships during the meeting, and she is a freshman)
Me: Well, last year I was dead set on grad school, so I only recently got interested in this. Whats your name by the way?
Girl: Oh I'm [Girl]
Me: Nice to meet you [Girl], I'm [ShuaiGe].
Girl: Oh haha I'm not very good with names, so I'll try to remember it!

Note: I have a pretty uncommon name, so most of the time, people at college have a hard time with it(its easy to pronounce, just unfamiliar) Usually, I just have to repeat it 2-3 times. It's not a big deal, but it does cause a slight hiccup in the interaction, I feel. Does anyone know how to handle this? I sometimes, teach them a story/mnemonic device for remembering it, but its after they have me repeat it.

At this point, we're outside the building and we're trying to figure out which direction we are going. I was planning to go towards the library so I tell her that and she follows. We are standing outside the door to the library

Girl: Its pretty hard getting internships for me. what did you do your summer after freshman year?
Me: Yeah two years ago I did a university language program which was really fun. It was the one in beijing.
Girl: Ohhh thats where I'm from. In fact I live right by that area where the students have classes. If I had known you were there, we could have hung out haha. but did you have a good time?
Me: tons of crazy stories and my chinese improved so much. Although now, its probably gotten a bit rusty.
Girl: well if you want, we can practice chinese sometime.
Me: Yeah, that'd be cool. Actually, lets exchange contact info (and I pull out my phone hoping she would get the hint and give me her number)
Girl: Sure! you can add my facebook(not my first choice, but okay, sure)

So she helps me find her fb account and I add her. We talk a little bit more about her midterms and statistics and then we split. From talking to her, I got the vibe that she really wanted to talk to me. (It's hard to explain, but I just get that vibe from people sometimes, my hunch is that is boils down to them being a bit more rapport seeking in their sub-communication than usual)

I check my facebook a few hours later and there is a message from her:
Girl: Hey [ShuaiGe], it was really nice meeting you! By the way, your profile picture's really cool.

Me: Thanks [Girl]! I took it at [place]. I was thinking we could grab lunch sometime this week. let me know if you're free
(This is much much earlier than I would ever ask a girl to hang out, but I felt like she was interested and so I was pretty sure she would say yes)

Girl: Wow, that's pretty cool since I've never been there myself. And yeah, I'd like to grab lunch together some time! I'm free after 11 tomorrow noon or after 12:30 on Friday. Any time works for you?

Me: how about 1:30 on friday
Girl: Sounds good


I haven't told her where yet, but I plan to meet up with her at a food court that is on campus. It's fairly private in the sense that it is a huge room and its impossible to find anyone in it so its unlikely either of us would run into anyone we know. My only concern is that it may be crowded at 1:30, but I can't think of another casual lunch place besides the campus dining halls (which I refuse to enter, because they suck lol)

It's been a while since I've met up with a girl like this for a meal. Last time I brought a girl to the food court for shakes and I thought it went pretty badly in the sense that conversation was very surface level. What I realized is there was a slightly awkward silence when we get in line to order stuff, and I started to clam up. but luckily for me, the girl was a real talker and she wanted to hang out again so maybe that one day was okay. In general, I hope it will be fine, because I can more often than not get into meaningful conversations and I think with this new girl, it will be easier.

My questions for this upcoming date:

1. What "skill" should I focus on practicing, as someone who is very new to dating.
2. Was choosing lunch too platonic?
3. Pulling her back to my place is a bit too advanced for me right now. Is it still worth a shot? I've invited a girl back to my room before(not much happened. maybe I'll get into that story in my intro), but she lived on my floor, so I just asked her to come back and it seemed a bit clunky, but it worked.

4. This girl is born and raised in china, so I think she would be more likely to be conservative towards sex. My goal for this date is to make the vibe between us more flirty. Is that a good goal? or too slow?

 

[ray_zorse]

Hey mate. Good to have you here.

1. What "skill" should I focus on practicing, as someone who is very new to dating.

If I had to choose one I would say conversation. This means naturally making small talk to gather some initial info and then using that info to get him/her sharing about him/herself (deep diving and connection building). At the same time, building attraction, by being flirtatious (as you mentioned) and setting frames , e.g. that you're a sexual man (sexual frames), that she's into you (chase frames), that you're an intriguing guy (baiting her with tantalizing bits of info and stories). The beauty of practicing conversation as a skill is you can do it anywhere, in any social situation, any commercial transaction, you don't even need to approach.,

At the same time, keep in mind the advice from Chase's ebook,

TIP: You will never “master” opening, or any other part of seduction. There is always more to learn. Focus on learning the complete process, rather than just parts of it

One issue that men who study the social arts encounter is that they work on the beginning parts of their interactions while ignoring later parts. Rather than working on the whole of their interactions with women, they only focus on the beginning. Having a broader approach progresses the encounter quicker than working a little bit on everything and viewing a seduction as one whole series of steps to be completed, rather than different stages of learning to be mastered one at a time. Some men take the approach of mastering an opening first, then worrying about repartee and rapport later on, and then once that’s mastered they move onto the next stage. These men progress the slowest of any men using any learning strategy.

It takes years to master opening. I’ve spent time with some of the best seducers in the world, and I don’t know if I’ve encountered anyone who was an absolute master. You could spend entire years only working on opening and never moving beyond that. It’s just as important to be focusing at least a little time on pulling fairly early on in one’s education on seduction as it is to focus on opening.

So, you really need to work on the whole package... I would suggest the newbie assignment, and also giving yourself a makeover, probably you're wearing clothes that are too loose and baggy for you, you also should consider hair, jewelry, cologne, boots, ... these give very quick returns, other stuff like your body language fundamentals are also important but take a lot of time to master, so go for the low hanging fruit first. And, start maximizing your exposure to girls.

2. Was choosing lunch too platonic?

It's generally better to suggest coffee than food. This gives you more flexibility (if she's ready to go then you don't have to wait for the food to be served etc) and it's lower investment. Food dates can tend to boyfriend-zone you, as in, she'll expect you to court her from then on. But it's a small point and it really does not matter, especially when you're just starting out. I'm taking it this will occur on campus, and that's a bit of a double-edged sword since she may have classes she needs to go to after that. On the other hand, meeting up/hanging out on campus is ultra casual, easy to ask her, and she's very likely to accept, as here.

3. Pulling her back to my place is a bit too advanced for me right now. Is it still worth a shot? I've invited a girl back to my room before(not much happened. maybe I'll get into that story in my intro), but she lived on my floor, so I just asked her to come back and it seemed a bit clunky, but it worked.

Yes, if she's keen she should be fine to isolate with you. All you really have to do is ask her... nothing ventured nothing gained haha. You might want to consider plausible deniability, the best way to do this is to seed something earlier in the convo... like you're discussing how she loves dogs so you mention you have a puppy at home... later on you say "right so you MUST come by and see my puppy, lets go"... that way, if sex "happens" she can tell her friends "hey! I was just calling in to see his puppy! and... it JUST HAPPENED". So she doesn't feel like a slut. If it's obvious you mean sex she'll refuse, so keep it deniable.

If I were you I'd also be checking logistics throughout the convo... where does she live, what's her class schedule that day, what does she have planned for the rest of the day, etc... don't hammer on it, just be chill, but be collecting info and working out your logistical plan as you go. ABC -> Always Be Closing (or, if you feel like pulling that day is out of the question, just don't shoot off all your ammunition and keep something for a second date, e.g. consider leaving after 20min or so). Note, whenever I go into a date I ALWAYS have a plan to pull her, however unlikely that might seem... and as the date progresses it grows hairs, changes colour etc, but always I have the most feasible plan in the back of my mind, even if wildly infeasible. Even if it's a 10am coffee date at the campus.

4. This girl is born and raised in china, so I think she would be more likely to be conservative towards sex. My goal for this date is to make the vibe between us more flirty. Is that a good goal? or too slow?

My experience is that with conservative girls, you need to MOVE FASTER, they get excited but they crash hard. Once she realizes you're a sexual man, you need to seal the deal the same day, or it's over. I think this LR should give you some pointers. It started out very similar to what you describe except it was an afternoon coffee date at the campus rather than a lunch date. Same diff really. And she was Chinese and conservative, as you can see she wasn't really expecting to be laid on the first date, but she was overall quite fine with it.

Ray

 

[Skid]

Hey dude , welcome!

Just some comments on the actual interaction :

So first on the issue with your name - whenever you feel like something is working against you try to work it I your favour. I have a slightly unusual name too, my tip : use it as a test on girls you meet. Tell her your name and then when you are number closing ask her if she remembers - if she does usually it's really good sign and congratulate her .

Also when you closes you should try to imply that you should swap info - ie "we should hang out sometime" her: "sure! Here's my fb" that way she is suggesting also you said you were hoping that she gave you her number - remember you are leading just say "I'll just take your number I barely use fb" if she agrees she had now invested even more into you!

I totally get you by being able to tell when someone wants to talk to you - they will always make sure the convo has somewhere to go if there is a silence she will fill it - all good signs. She won't give short answers but huge ones lols. This gets better with your fundamentals.

Ray has your questions covered - good luck!

 

[ray_zorse]

I forgot to say that you can also consider changing your name -- I changed my name from Ray to Raymond, as well as ditching my social circle (which wasn't helping me at that time -- I hang out with new people now) and sharply reducing time spent with other people who knew me as Ray such as my family. Umm I got a bit lazy lately and stopped being Raymond and I regret it a bit, I'm about to start focusing on socializing more and I think I will be stricter about being Raymond. In your case if you feel your name is holding you back, change it to something local, or it doesn't have to be local, it can be something mysterious but a bit easier.
Ray

 

[Skippy]

Hey guys, thanks for all the feedback! So many helpful tips here that I just don't know where to start!


ray_zorse

Hey mate. Good to have you here.

1. What "skill" should I focus on practicing, as someone who is very new to dating.

If I had to choose one I would say conversation. This means naturally making small talk to gather some initial info and then using that info to get him/her sharing about him/herself (deep diving and connection building). At the same time, building attraction, by being flirtatious (as you mentioned) and setting frames , e.g. that you're a sexual man (sexual frames), that she's into you (chase frames), that you're an intriguing guy (baiting her with tantalizing bits of info and stories). The beauty of practicing conversation as a skill is you can do it anywhere, in any social situation, any commercial transaction, you don't even need to approach.,

At the same time, keep in mind the advice from Chase's ebook,

TIP: You will never “master” opening, or any other part of seduction. There is always more to learn. Focus on learning the complete process, rather than just parts of it

One issue that men who study the social arts encounter is that they work on the beginning parts of their interactions while ignoring later parts. Rather than working on the whole of their interactions with women, they only focus on the beginning. Having a broader approach progresses the encounter quicker than working a little bit on everything and viewing a seduction as one whole series of steps to be completed, rather than different stages of learning to be mastered one at a time. Some men take the approach of mastering an opening first, then worrying about repartee and rapport later on, and then once that’s mastered they move onto the next stage. These men progress the slowest of any men using any learning strategy.

It takes years to master opening. I’ve spent time with some of the best seducers in the world, and I don’t know if I’ve encountered anyone who was an absolute master. You could spend entire years only working on opening and never moving beyond that. It’s just as important to be focusing at least a little time on pulling fairly early on in one’s education on seduction as it is to focus on opening.

So, you really need to work on the whole package... I would suggest the newbie assignment, and also giving yourself a makeover, probably you're wearing clothes that are too loose and baggy for you, you also should consider hair, jewelry, cologne, boots, ... these give very quick returns, other stuff like your body language fundamentals are also important but take a lot of time to master, so go for the low hanging fruit first. And, start maximizing your exposure to girls.


Yes, if she's keen she should be fine to isolate with you. All you really have to do is ask her... nothing ventured nothing gained haha. You might want to consider plausible deniability, the best way to do this is to seed something earlier in the convo... like you're discussing how she loves dogs so you mention you have a puppy at home... later on you say "right so you MUST come by and see my puppy, lets go"... that way, if sex "happens" she can tell her friends "hey! I was just calling in to see his puppy! and... it JUST HAPPENED". So she doesn't feel like a slut. If it's obvious you mean sex she'll refuse, so keep it deniable.

If I were you I'd also be checking logistics throughout the convo... where does she live, what's her class schedule that day, what does she have planned for the rest of the day, etc... don't hammer on it, just be chill, but be collecting info and working out your logistical plan as you go. ABC -> Always Be Closing (or, if you feel like pulling that day is out of the question, just don't shoot off all your ammunition and keep something for a second date, e.g. consider leaving after 20min or so). Note, whenever I go into a date I ALWAYS have a plan to pull her, however unlikely that might seem... and as the date progresses it grows hairs, changes colour etc, but always I have the most feasible plan in the back of my mind, even if wildly infeasible. Even if it's a 10am coffee date at the campus.


My experience is that with conservative girls, you need to MOVE FASTER, they get excited but they crash hard. Once she realizes you're a sexual man, you need to seal the deal the same day, or it's over. I think this LR should give you some pointers. It started out very similar to what you describe except it was an afternoon coffee date at the campus rather than a lunch date. Same diff really. And she was Chinese and conservative, as you can see she wasn't really expecting to be laid on the first date, but she was overall quite fine with it.

This was really eye-opening because I always thought I should first "master" opening, and then "master" number closes etc... but in hindsight I've had a girl come back to my room without having fantastic number closes or first encounters. and out of all of our interactions (from the late night shakes, to the dinners, to the times she came over to my room late at night) the ones in my room were the best even though we never got intimate, just because she would be more open to having deep conversation. once it led to me giving her a back massage, and in general its easier for experimenting with different types of touch. I remember once she was on my bed and she was sitting with a gap in between us, so a couple times I would grab her and pull her in close. I didn't get a good look at her expression, but I think she was smiling when I did that-- later, I discovered a girlschase article about pulling girls in, so it seems I was onto something there.

I guess because of my lack of reference points, I just never realize what the possibilities are and don't push the interaction as fast because I get worried that "she's not that type of girl" After reading girlschase, I realize this is not true but then when I see a conservative chinese girl, I think: okay maybe its possible to have sex with her on the first date, but only if you're a really advanced guy so don't even bother trying that yet. but...now I realize that the really advanced guy probably failed many times when he was starting out but thats how he got there in the first place.

SO tentatively, my plan for bringing her back to my place will be something along the lines of "I have to show you some really cool posters that I bought, come on!" Before that I'll try and get a feel for her logistics and of course if she likes art, its even better. and just like you suggested, I will modify my plan based on what happens. and "ABC= Always Be Closing" love the acronym haha!

I just found out that this girl is part of some christian club on campus... so this will be pretty interesting....

Also when you closes you should try to imply that you should swap info - ie "we should hang out sometime" her: "sure! Here's my fb" that way she is suggesting also you said you were hoping that she gave you her number - remember you are leading just say "I'll just take your number I barely use fb" if she agrees she had now invested even more into you!

thanks! This will come in handy next time I chat up a girl. One question about this, is getting her number significantly better than getting her facebook(assuming I just limit my interactions with her to fb messenger)? The reason I ask is because it seems fb messenger seems to have taken over sms as the most common messaging medium in america these past two years ( or at least on my campus)


I'll let you guys know how it goes tomorrow

 

[Skippy]

Okay so I met up with her for lunch. Something annoying happened in the middle, which I'll get into shortly.

The conversation was kind of long, so I don't remember much of it but I'll try my best. All conversation bits are not exact. it started with me meeting her at the door of the food court, we were checking out stalls and just generally making small talk about our week, and we talked a little bit about the food in china(since we were getting food). she said she really liked the food in america. She also seemed to be following my lead well since she just followed me around the food court and ordered whatever I ordered. I noticed she was wearing a red bow clip that looked striking, so told her

Me: I really like your red headband! or are they called bow clips
Her: Thanks!
Me: Is there any story behind it, or you just like wearing it?
Her:No story really, I guess I just wore it because I bought it haha

Fortunately it wasn't too crowded and we were able to get a table to ourselves. One thing that I noticed during our conversation was that she was asking me lots of questions about myself such as what classes, I was taking, what I wanted to do, where I'm from. And before there was even a hint of an uncomfortable silence, she would have some question for me. While I did manage to deep dive her, I had a hard time making that the main focus of the conversation. I would ask her about her hobbies, and her job aspirations, what her ideal place to live would be and she would talk about them a fair bit, but ultimately I still feel I was talking much more than I usually do with a girl(it might not necessarily be a bad thing because I'm a bit reserved anyways,fwiw when I was trying to get with another girl last year it would be her doing 90% of the talking because she was extremely talkative).

We also talked a fair bit about religion because she mentioned that she was going to a bible study group, but she was nonrelgious ( thank goodness!) It was funny because I had done the same thing when I was a freshman. So we talked about our views on religion and philosophical questions relating to that.

Around this time, something pretty unfortunate happened. I have a 'friend' who I've realized a sociopath. this kid is a bit volatile in the sense that he has no filter and gives zero shits about violating "social conventions". He is a polarizing person(which is not necessarily a bad thing) but just from his appearance and the way he carries himself, he gets slotted into the "weird" category by pretty much everyone. However,at the same time, he is very socially attuned and an extremely interesting person, which is why he has friends in the first place.

So he sees us sitting at a table in the food court(it was a pretty big table and we were the only two people there) and he comes up with his food and starts talking to me, asking me about math midterms and stuff. I engage him as little as possible without making it obvious that I didn't want to talk to him, because of his volatility(ie I was being polite to him so he wouldn't start shit, but still trying to minimize convo) The girl introduces herself and asks if he's in my math class to which he responds "no not this year, but we were in the past two years". Then he asks if he can join us and says "I'm not interrupting, am I? I feel like I'm interrupting"(he repeats this twice) I just say "no..." not really sure how else to respond, hoping he would have the common sense to just sit somewhere else. (How would you respond to something like this?) and the girl also says "Oh no of course not" . So he sits down next to me. I continue talking to the girl about lucid dreaming and shit. I make sure to give him as little attention as possible, and I also make sure to have really tight eye contact with the girl(I did this once in the past when I was with a girl and a really awkward guy I disliked tried to get into our conversation, and I think the dude eventually left) it seemed to work well, normally, my friend can take control of a conversation, but this time he just kept quiet and for the most part silently finished his lunch, only interjecting a couple times. but I don't know if he was just being quiet because he knew he was interrupting. Thankfully, he finished soon and left.

So now, I could comfortably try and pull. I remembered before that she said she had never tried greek yogurt, and so I said
Me: "We should go get greek yogurt, I have a ton of it at home"
Her: " Sorry, I really have to do work today"

So I ask her about her work because if it was just something due monday, then she could definitely spare the time to come and maybe I could try and be more persistent, but it was something due later in the evening(it was already 3), and so it seemed she was already taking time that could be spent working on it to meet up in the first place. So we talk a bit more and then get up to leave.

Her: "I really enjoyed talking to you. and I can help you practice chinese sometime!"
Me: "Yea that'd be cool"
I wasn't sure what to do after that so I gave her a quick hug and then we split.

My impressions:
-We talked about a wide range of topics and the conversation was interesting. I would say conversation-wise, it was quite fulfilling in that sense
-Our eye-contact was really good. I've been working on holding eye-contact with people especially when I'm speaking and I realized that she was holding my gaze for really long periods of time. Sometimes, I would pause for longer periods to think of what to say, we would still be holding eye-contact, even though no words were being spoken. I don't know if I should have just let this tension build up, but I was too scared to try so I would break eye-contact when pausing.
-I still had nervous ticks such as occasionally brushing the side of my hair, but its good that I am at least aware of them( I don't think I appeared nervous, I wasn't really).
-I couldn't figure out how to throw in chase frames/ sexual innuendos, etc... so most of the things I focused on were eye-contact and deep-diving.

Eventually, after about 1.5 hrs, it seemed that the conversation would have started to have silences, but it ended before it was noticeable. (is this generally the time to try and pull?)

So my ultimate question of course is, what should I do next? I didn't get to bring her back, but now, at least my room is clean

 

[Sophisticated Gent]

ShauiGe,

The next step is pretty easy to see. Ask her back to your place to practice your Chinese.

SGent