My Mother is a Psychic Vampire, what should I do?

[tvktvk]

What's up forum, I just read Chase's article on psychic vampires: https://www.girlschase.com/content/protecting-yourself-psychic-vampires-and-not-turning-either

After reading the article I started to think if I had any people like this in my life. I couldn't really think of any until it hit me: My mom had been draining all my positive energy for years.
While I was still living at her place growing up she would constantly push her problems on me which I had to listen to. Sometimes literally for hours. I was in my teens and had no understanding of how to deal with this. I thought I had to listen to her because that is what a good son should do, help her mom out so she feels better. But the complaining never stopped. She kept pushing her burdens on me. Not only her mental burdens, but also ridiculous favours I had to do and her frame was always same: She was a single mom with no one to help her and I was her only son, therefore I had to help her. Because we were family. My dad however would never do such things. Sure he would complain to me about a cold or a bad knee sometimes, but every old man does that. And he would always listen to my advice if I had some. 99% of the time he provided me value (like it should be with parents), not the other way around like it was with my mom.

I love my mom, but I believe she has deeply impacted my personal growth in a negative way by draining all my positive energy for so many years. Luckily I moved out the summer of 2013 and it freed my life so much. I finally started to see a tiny bit of progress with girls and other social skills. Nowadays I try to keep my contact with her to a minimum, but I still have to spend a couple of days with her every month. She still calls me multiple times every week (after all she's my mom). And there is always the holidays...

The problem is that every time I spend a longer period with my mom the mental draining continues. I try to shut it down as much possible, but it doesn't always work. It seems pretty impossible to change how she is, so I don't really know what to do. Would really like some advice if there is any.

tvktvk

 

[Rage]

Hey tvktvk,

I feel for you man and relate; my mother’s pretty batshit crazy tbh.

She’s a complainer, and a victim, and a vampire and has BPD. And it was tough dealing with it all those years growing up. You sort of don’t realize how much it drains you or holds you back till you do leave for extended time from your childhood home (and you’re out in the world and free from the vampirism, that’s been part consciously part unconsciously draining you all these years).  

My 2 parents sound similar to yours too; mom’s the complainer, dad’s the silent enabler. My dad wouldn’t ever complain himself but would attend to my mom’s complaints and victimized feelings and be a yes-man and baby her in many repeating circumstances there.  

I’ve been only moved out for like 3 months now dude. Chase had suggested that living under the roof with a person that draining on me would make me unable to thrive like I could outside somewhere like that. And he was right; moving out was the single biggest thing I did for my progress, happiness and growth.

I think it’s healthier not to think of how you’ve been stunted in growth or really held back, but rather that you’ve been given perspective (how I see it for myself at least) to what you don’t want in life and what one of the many unfavorable alternatives are. Also the hardships as hard as they are, give cause to you in some way. I believe there’s no need for growth without hardship. Hardship creates the necessity for growth.

Conjecturably had I been born under a healthier minded roof where I wasn’t the scapegoat child of a BPD mother, maybe at times growing up would have been a little less confusing and emotionally tough. But maybe I wouldn’t have the same compulsion to grow and become who I am today and who I want to be tomorrow, had I not faced the trials at home and heard my mom’s incessant complaints and unfounded, manic worries about how I’m doomed for failure and why couldn’t I be like x other kids.

To work to be great, perhaps I needed that (I think)… kind of like that analogy of for Bruce Wayne to become Batman his parents had to die first, to necessitate/cause him to need to one day become Batman.

Only thing to do with vampires is to cut them out of your life… you kind of can’t do that with mom or dad though; with your mom all you kind of can do (what I’m doing) is create as much distance between the two of you as you can.

I live on my own and still talk for a minute or two every day to my parents but my mom doesn’t complain over phone much (especially if I don’t ask her how’s it going; that’s the golden question for the vampire to go, “oh its going terrible all these things are wrong this and this and this thing all going so terrible”).

Am trying to set the precedent to call less than that, will get there soon I think. It’s not always as bad over phone in my opinion, you get that minimum contact for the love you feel for them to be able to know they’re all right and stuff at least.

It was heartbreaking for me realizing this but I feel some part of me always knew: people are fixed, your mom is fixed … to the point where it’s laughably ridiculous even and she’ll complain about the same things she has for the last 10 years for the next 10 years.

Around her it will always be draining, when you come home you can shut your door and stay locked away as much as you can attempt to but even then it’s never the same as being away far away from there, free and no longer in that mental prison.

The solution you have to yourself, only one, is to limit contact and create as much distance as possible. And potentially you have to get creative with what you do to set that up.

I’m at home for like a week for spring break right now man… and it’s fucking hell! Haha … Um what I’ve done and am gonna discuss actually in a little bit with my parents… is how the fake job which I don’t actually have is keeping me busy and I have to go home early to work it (so am only gonna stay for like a day or 2 more in that way).

Maybe you have to be a bit dishonest or crafty to get that done, but I say fuck it… having a healthy mind, healthy environment and your own growth are more important, and more important than just nearly everything else.

Good luck dude; see what you can do to cut down as much time as you have to spend at home. And then if it’s just a day or two, well you live it you get through it and you appreciate so much more after that the days you aren’t bound by that and have the freedom to be yourself: healthy physically and mentally and able to go as far as you want with your goals. The hardships encourage you to work that much harder at everything you want to achieve.

-Gem 

 

[Hector Papi Castillo]

My father is a psychic vampire and I'll be cutting him from my life for a year very soon. It's possible to do this and sometimes necessary. It's your happiness that matters, no matter your blood ties. Of course, easier said than done, which is why I'm doing it for one year, going to tell him "hey, get your shit together, and come talk to me in a year, okay?" Now that you're living on your own it's very possible.

- Hector

 

[tvktvk]

Gem,
It looks like we have a lot in common man, haha. My parents are also from Bangladesh aand I'm also 5'9 My dad was however never an enabler, he split up with my mom 15 years ago (he had enough of her shit, lol). I believe psychic vampires are pretty common in south asian countries. people get babied by their family while growing up, then they get thrown out in to a whole different world, things don't go as planned and they start developing their victim mentality. I was nurturing a huge victim mentality until I stumbled upon GC.

I'm really impressed with all your progress while still living at home Gem, that's huge! And yeah, moving out is just such a huge revelation. I feel for you right now man, haha been there so many times myself! But you're right, personal health trumps everything. Regarding the balance between coming from a mentally healthy home and growing up with a pshychic vampire, it's quite an interesting topic. Maybe you and I will go on to become men we would've never been if not for our mothers, but you still have to remind yourself of all the pain you had to endure while growing up. You also have to consider the fact that you never had the chance to pick your family, you never had the option to choose where you come from. So in conclusion it doesn't really matter what you would've preferred. What matters is how you choose to deal with it

Hector,
The girl from my first post and FU did exactly that to her father, but what threw me off is that the father also supported her financially at the same time. Demanding money while cutting off all contact feels just too cynical for my taste.

Thanks for your replies guys. I was hoping to get more advice on helping my mom change, but I guess the damage is done. I still don't have the heart to cut off ties completely as of right now, but we'll see what happens.

tvktvk

 

[Rage]

Hey that’s cool man! Neat to have another guy of Bangladeshi descent on the site.

My dad was however never an enabler, he split up with my mom 15 years ago (he had enough of her shit, lol). I believe psychic vampires are pretty common in south asian countries. people get babied by their family while growing up, then they get thrown out in to a whole different world, things don't go as planned and they start developing their victim mentality. I was nurturing a huge victim mentality until I stumbled upon GC.

Sorry to hear that; I agree, I’ve seen it culturally, my parents will talk to their friends in their massive social circles of people exactly like them, and go to dinner parties every weekend and talk about how work is busy and the ways in which their kids aren’t measuring up to the “Asian model student ideal” and so on.

Matriarchal societies have a lot more conformity, lot more people closely bound within a system… so that probably doesn’t help. Don’t think the religious strict influences, or norm of arranged marriage help there either.

I'm really impressed with all your progress while still living at home Gem, that's huge! And yeah, moving out is just such a huge revelation. I feel for you right now man, haha been there so many times myself! But you're right, personal health trumps everything. Regarding the balance between coming from a mentally healthy home and growing up with a pshychic vampire, it's quite an interesting topic.

Thanks man; have forever further to go… nice to better ahead of the average guy, but still always feel like a noob in terms of where I want my skill to one day be. It was a lot harder when I was living at home, and only in leaving home was I able to make the biggest leaps in progress.

And when I was living at home, it would be like commuting and being at school for like 8-10 hours and in that time approaching girls, lifting, going to school and eating. A much more full and hectic schedule, so moving out helped relax that a ton.

Maybe you and I will go on to become men we would've never been if not for our mothers, but you still have to remind yourself of all the pain you had to endure while growing up. You also have to consider the fact that you never had the chance to pick your family, you never had the option to choose where you come from. So in conclusion it doesn't really matter what you would've preferred. What matters is how you choose to deal with it

Everything that’s happened to us all the things we’ve experienced and people we’ve known and all the input we’ve taken in all our lives with our senses have culminated to make us exactly who we are in the present yeah haha…

I kind of feel like I forget the pain and the hardship… any stress or difficulty whether it be positive stress of something I want to do and get better at or negative stress of something that makes me miserable and is sucking my soul and killing me: I feel like when I’m feeling the pressures they’re the most pressing problems in the world to me and my sanity and life ar eon the line and stuff. Feels very serious… but what's in the past, so far just about everything that happens I forget.

Maybe that’s bad… certainly have to remind myself logically why I shouldn't be spending too much time at home or not doing x really stressful thing, if I remembered more viscerally it would be more effective in not going back to those past stressors. But agreed all you can do is live your life choose how you react and choose what your next move(s) will be.

Thanks for your replies guys. I was hoping to get more advice on helping my mom change, but I guess the damage is done. I still don't have the heart to cut off ties completely as of right now, but we'll see what happens.

Maybe you never have to cut ties completely... I don’t intend to and at least at the moment don’t think it would be prudent or favorable for me to do that. I do find for myself can be plenty empathetic and caring and loving towards my parents with that distance. And the comlaining is much less… and when I am around them, the suggestions of close off body language don’t say much or look in the eye much and all that (about warding off vampires) helps. I feel as though it grows to be less and less that they complain or that it is a problem as parents age. They will tend to mellow out, while we mature and will have our whole lives ahead of us! And then nhave much more bigger porbelms on our plate potentially to worry about than a complainy mom you have to see a few times a year.

 

[tvktvk]

Drexel,

Thanks for sharing your story. Seems like psychic vampires is more common than I thought...

tvktvk

 

[Richard]

It's a very liberating feeling being able to live independently of them and that's what I did by going to college in another state.

In any situation - if you want to have a positive life, then you need to do two things:

• Embrace positive people
• Cut off the negative people

Both of these include family, friends, girlfriends, etc. I find it to be a pretty stupid idea believing that family is who share your blood with so I've never had a problem cutting people from my life, even if I grew up around them.

 

[ray_zorse]

tvktvk, in regards to helping your mother change:

It is actually possible for people with personality disorders to unlearn the manipulative behaviours they have overlearned and to face up to their issues, grow up and become useful members of society, but it takes real effort on their part.

It's about as likely as somebody realizing they suck with women, discovering gc and then putting in the hard grind to become a seducer. All the resources are there, it only takes insight and determination, some will do it, millions won't.

It's a personal journey and so there's nothing you can do to help her except putting firm boundaries in place, rewarding good behaviour and doing your best to discourage or ignore bad behaviour.

This is the approach I take with my ex-wife (the mother of my children), over the strident objections of friends, family, and everyone who wants to throw in their two cents about how I am mishandling the situation and how I should be ultra nice to her and say "three bags full" all the time and try to get along -- they don't understand that a line in the sand is a line in the sand and that the only way to win any kind of respect from a person with a personality disorder is to be firm but unreactive.

As an example I told her at one point that due to her refusing to meet me at my house to pick up kids, I was no longer willing to be responsible for any forgotten items such as shoes or schoolbags or sports uniforms, she was welcome to pick up kids and check at the same time if she had everything she needed for the week, and/or pick it up later on, but if I forgot something in the process of getting down to the shopping centre by 7.30pm then tough titties. This may have sounded unreasonable on my part but I was sick of her ordering me to do extra drives and me complying for the sake of my kids. They had to go to school without schoolbags, etc, a few times for her to get the message that a boundary is a boundary, she kept trying it on and creating a whole lot of drama, but in the end she just couldn't be bothered putting the kids in the car and driving over to pick up the forgotten item, so I didn't really pay much attention.

My life has improved a lot by just being an asshole (I made a mistake? oh dear... here's how you can fix it), and so can yours. Just remember the tough love and you're golden.

Drexel: The lifestyle you describe as your preferred one (fwb only, never letting girls get close, focusing mainly on your work and interests, and sticking firmly to principles such as no texting, ruthlessly cutting girls off when they put a foot wrong, etc)... has a lot to recommend it, and I would strive to emulate it, if only for the reference points, but at the same time it seems to me a little, well... defensive? sterile? black and white? do you think your upbringing could have a little to do with this slightly cynical, mistrustful attitude that you sometimes espouse? Well, I know you are good with NLP, affirmations, inner game, etc, so I may be somewhat preaching to the converted, but do you think that undertaking some kind of healing process could help you appreciate relationships better in all their glorious emotional messiness, or is that completely out of the question? I'm interested in your views cos I'm kinda at a crossroads in regards to this.

Ray

 

[tvktvk]

Ray,

Thanks for your insight. I have given my mom some tough love over the years, a couple of years ago for example I completely cut her out of my life for about 6 months. It didn't really change her much though, so I'm really struggling to believe that she can change. I kinda started to use operant conditioning with her subconsciously due to reading so much GC material, but I'll try to do it more intentionally moving forward. It's gonna be hard though, don't think I'm mentally strong enough yet...

Richard,

Really think your persepctive on family is very interesting. I was going to reply to your recent LR since you mention your father figure in that report, but then suddenly BOOM! U haz 12 replies. Haha
I just had a couple questions: How has your karate teacher contributed to becoming you father role? Who are part of your family and what role do they play(what value do they bring)? I'm asking because I'm considering applying the same system to my life.

tvktvk

 

[trashKENNUT]

tvktvk,

It is important to note that people will use Christianity, Islam, Family, Friends, or whatever variable to get whatever they want. What i mean here is they say that we are 'family' or we are 'this and that'.

You find more of this in Asia. Life is shady sometimes.

Zac

 

[Richard]

Richard,

Really think your persepctive on family is very interesting. I was going to reply to your recent LR since you mention your father figure in that report, but then suddenly BOOM! U haz 12 replies. Haha
I just had a couple questions: How has your karate teacher contributed to becoming you father role? Who are part of your family and what role do they play(what value do they bring)? I'm asking because I'm considering applying the same system to my life.

tvktvk

My Karate teacher. The progression of this relationship was interesting. His daughter was dating my cousin for 3 years and I became quite close to her and him (him being my Karate teacher) and they reciprocated that. My Karate teacher (who is 65 right now and still kicking) would often comment on how similar our thoughts and views were and eventually I came to understand that this dude had been through the same stuff as me and he had incredible insight into what was going on in my life and would give me great advice and actually listen to me unlike my real dad. So, the side by side comparison of him vs. my actual father allowed me to build a deeper connection with him (Karate teacher) because he took on the father-role moreso than my actual dad.

Who else is a part of my family? The people who I have opened my home to, and those who have opened their homes to me. I can literally walk into my Karate teachers house, go to the fridge and grab a drink/food, sit down, and eventually he and his family will come down and greet me like I'd never left. The people in my family are the people who have my back and support me and my decisions, those who have my best interest at heart. Through the years I've had to cut out some powerfully elusive negative people from my life (family included).

These people provide the most value to my life because they simply support me and inspire me to push myself harder. If I fuck up somewhere they understand and do not criticize me for it, and instead offer their arms/ears and maybe some constructive (sometimes harsh) criticism. All in all they add the most value to my life because they support me and help me to satisfy my greatest core needs.