I grew up in a heavy Asian dominant suburbia with parents that are introverted themselves. Am lucky, they are not strict or anything and raised me in a health manner, albeit made me antisocial. I did have a bunch of friends but 99% were nerdy quiet types. Mostly prioritized academics and career. I went to a top college in the other side of the country with mostly rich white kids and didn't fit in. Tried to get into numerous social circles but honestly I would just get ditched by the white dudes on my floor and I didn't even fit in with the Asians. I did befriend the same type of Asian dudes as I did in highschool.
Extremely intelligent but poor social skills, or rather they were actually pretty cool guys socially but they were never accepted into the popular circles. Don't know how to explain it, but moving out of an Asian dominant area, I realized mostly people of a certain demographic stick together and it's difficult to force yourself in. I noticed there is a true and real racial bias, you will not notice it if you're white. I honestly feel like a normal guy socially but I didn't get much opportunities and didn't feel like forcing it as an introverted guy. I also just decided to focus on my career after sophomore year, I had a hb8 girlfriend at the time I met at my home during COVID.
I'm 5'4 and Asian and skinny, I kind of gave up on social life because all my peers growing up with similar life situations seem to all be nerdy and beta, but too high ego enough to not notice anything wrong. I noticed that people tend to put me in a box (nerdy unfun Asian guy, sheltered and too nice. Honestly these are kind of true, but not much I can do to change how I grew up.) and I stopped putting energy into other people because of that, after trying to meet many different people and not wanting anything from them. The social frame of being put into the uncool category was too much to overcome. Plus I fell into the trap of not working on myself or social life for 3-4 years since I was dating a hot girl, every other guy I know growing up in the suburbs is not very social, and now I feel very behind in reality.
I have some beliefs which may be limiting me but I believe they are true, which is why I often even though I need to make friends but don't:
- I am kind of bitter after being beaten down by the social frame that I'm not "cool". I believe that even if I had a social circle, because I'm so short, I would not be seen as attractive so it's a waste of time. I would basically be putting in the effort of building a social circle and other guys I invite would benefit more than me.
- The bay area sucks. If I lived in a different country I wouldn't have to be dealing with negative stereotypes that limit me, and ultimately make social circles a waste of time.
- Guys don't understand my journey. Most of them are just focused on their career and gave up on dating or get lucky with mediocre girls. What's the point of befriending them
- I'm introverted... Happier in my own company
- If I befriend someone, I would honestly not trust them to try to poach other women, I don't want to be cynical but I don't want to "compete" with friends for women. So I avoid it altogether...
-My experience albeit limited with women validate me enough to believe I am pretty cool and interesting, because of what I overcame, even if there are guys that are also getting girls through normies methods I don't respect them because I feel like they have it easier anyway.
- In tandem with the last point, I feel more understood and happy with a girl I'm intimate with anyway, what's the point of making new male friends
- I'm inexperienced with making a social circle on my own, and for the reasons mentioned above I'm skeptical of the value of it. Every time I befriend a guy he doesn't have any girls anyway, or he has social circle of guys that don't have anything interesting going on socially too. Like basically almost every young guy is in the same rut.
- the crappy gender dynamics in the Bay area mean that guys are pretty thirsty and mediocre women have free pickings, and it applies to social circle from what I've witnessed.
-talking with others about my self improvement journey is kind of depressing.
I do have some male friends IRL but it's very limited.
Has anyone faced this, can you share similar stories? Am I sounding idiotic here or do you get where I'm coming from.
Extremely intelligent but poor social skills, or rather they were actually pretty cool guys socially but they were never accepted into the popular circles. Don't know how to explain it, but moving out of an Asian dominant area, I realized mostly people of a certain demographic stick together and it's difficult to force yourself in. I noticed there is a true and real racial bias, you will not notice it if you're white. I honestly feel like a normal guy socially but I didn't get much opportunities and didn't feel like forcing it as an introverted guy. I also just decided to focus on my career after sophomore year, I had a hb8 girlfriend at the time I met at my home during COVID.
I'm 5'4 and Asian and skinny, I kind of gave up on social life because all my peers growing up with similar life situations seem to all be nerdy and beta, but too high ego enough to not notice anything wrong. I noticed that people tend to put me in a box (nerdy unfun Asian guy, sheltered and too nice. Honestly these are kind of true, but not much I can do to change how I grew up.) and I stopped putting energy into other people because of that, after trying to meet many different people and not wanting anything from them. The social frame of being put into the uncool category was too much to overcome. Plus I fell into the trap of not working on myself or social life for 3-4 years since I was dating a hot girl, every other guy I know growing up in the suburbs is not very social, and now I feel very behind in reality.
I have some beliefs which may be limiting me but I believe they are true, which is why I often even though I need to make friends but don't:
- I am kind of bitter after being beaten down by the social frame that I'm not "cool". I believe that even if I had a social circle, because I'm so short, I would not be seen as attractive so it's a waste of time. I would basically be putting in the effort of building a social circle and other guys I invite would benefit more than me.
- The bay area sucks. If I lived in a different country I wouldn't have to be dealing with negative stereotypes that limit me, and ultimately make social circles a waste of time.
- Guys don't understand my journey. Most of them are just focused on their career and gave up on dating or get lucky with mediocre girls. What's the point of befriending them
- I'm introverted... Happier in my own company
- If I befriend someone, I would honestly not trust them to try to poach other women, I don't want to be cynical but I don't want to "compete" with friends for women. So I avoid it altogether...
-My experience albeit limited with women validate me enough to believe I am pretty cool and interesting, because of what I overcame, even if there are guys that are also getting girls through normies methods I don't respect them because I feel like they have it easier anyway.
- In tandem with the last point, I feel more understood and happy with a girl I'm intimate with anyway, what's the point of making new male friends
- I'm inexperienced with making a social circle on my own, and for the reasons mentioned above I'm skeptical of the value of it. Every time I befriend a guy he doesn't have any girls anyway, or he has social circle of guys that don't have anything interesting going on socially too. Like basically almost every young guy is in the same rut.
- the crappy gender dynamics in the Bay area mean that guys are pretty thirsty and mediocre women have free pickings, and it applies to social circle from what I've witnessed.
-talking with others about my self improvement journey is kind of depressing.
I do have some male friends IRL but it's very limited.
Has anyone faced this, can you share similar stories? Am I sounding idiotic here or do you get where I'm coming from.
