Need help getting sh*t together

[jonnywishbone]

Hi, I could do with some help. I've hit a bad patch in the past 12 months, I'm 35, and in the past year or so pretty much all of my social circle has got married, settled down, and had (or having) children. My opportunities for going out are almost non-existent, and when I do, the conversation is generally about breast feeding rather than in any kind of a sexual sense!

I've also been trying to change career - I work as a web developer - and have become more and more unhappy with it over the years because of the introverted nature of the work. At the moment I'm freelancing from home or at least getting out to coffee shops and public places to work, but again spending a lot of time on my own (including living on my own). I'm actively working on this but at the moment haven't come up with a financially viable alternative.

Particularly for these two reasons I've become really down on my situation. I've been trying to get it together to approach girls but I just feel so down on what's going on in my life I just don't feel like I can come across in any sort of a way that women are going to respond well to. I feel like I'm trying to hide my dissatisfaction with my life. I feel like it's kind of written all over my face - I'm an above average looking guy and dress well and always been well regarded by women in my life, but whenever I try to even make eye contact with girls on the street they almost always avoid me. This is becoming a catch 22 - not doing well with women is making me feel worse about stuff, which is making it even harder for me to get anywhere.

So I just feel stuck, and really not sure which way to turn at the moment. Hopefully I'll get my career moving in a better direction but that could be some time off and I'm not really in a position to be waiting for that to happen. Anybody been here and have any advice to offer?

 

[trashKENNUT]

jonnhywishbone,

Hi, I could do with some help. I've hit a bad patch in the past 12 months, I'm 35, and in the past year or so pretty much all of my social circle has got married, settled down, and had (or having) children. My opportunities for going out are almost non-existent, and when I do, the conversation is generally about breast feeding rather than in any kind of a sexual sense!

I've also been trying to change career - I work as a web developer - and have become more and more unhappy with it over the years because of the introverted nature of the work. At the moment I'm freelancing from home or at least getting out to coffee shops and public places to work, but again spending a lot of time on my own (including living on my own). I'm actively working on this but at the moment haven't come up with a financially viable alternative.

Particularly for these two reasons I've become really down on my situation. I've been trying to get it together to approach girls but I just feel so down on what's going on in my life I just don't feel like I can come across in any sort of a way that women are going to respond well to. I feel like I'm trying to hide my dissatisfaction with my life. I feel like it's kind of written all over my face - I'm an above average looking guy and dress well and always been well regarded by women in my life, but whenever I try to even make eye contact with girls on the street they almost always avoid me. This is becoming a catch 22 - not doing well with women is making me feel worse about stuff, which is making it even harder for me to get anywhere.

So I just feel stuck, and really not sure which way to turn at the moment. Hopefully I'll get my career moving in a better direction but that could be some time off and I'm not really in a position to be waiting for that to happen. Anybody been here and have any advice to offer?

It's not an ideal situation. Find some friends to support you during this time, or mentors you can look upon at youtube to give you some boost. It helps. I watch success videos once very few days.

Zac

 

[metomeya]

This is becoming a catch 22 - not doing well with women is making me feel worse about stuff, which is making it even harder for me to get anywhere.

Everyone gets this! Especially the introverted guys. This makes me feel like I should of never learned about PUA and just got a girlfriend though school or work like everyone else.

Here is the thing: you will have a break though sooner or later. And you will feel great! It will be later if you try to do it alone (even if you are constantly reading material online), but sooner if you find a mentor (even if you have to pay) or a friend to do pickup with.

Web developing sucks! I tried it for 3 months. Wakeup...spend 8-12 hours on the computer alone and go back to bed. Repeat 5-7 times a week. You need people. Being antisocial has been scientifically proven to cause your gene to execute sequences that is harmful to your health.

At 35 you might want to consider something like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-kyhXttVakk

You could move and try this....though you will probably have to aim for people a little younger:
http://www.goodlookingloser.com/2013/09/14/how-to-make-friends-with-random-girls/

Finally, Chase's article might help:
https://www.girlschase.com/content/effort-aversion-or-why-you-dont-work-hard-and-get-laid

Hope this helps!

 

[ProblemSolving]

Hey jonnhy!

I feel your pain man. When social contact is low, all sorts of negative self talk creeps in and tries to make every potential conversation seem like a BIG deal. But it's not a big deal and the only way to prove that is to take action.


The next time you're working at a coffee shop, talk to the people around you. Find out what they're up to and get to know them. Congratulations! You're an extrovert now. You'll soon find that the chains that are keeping you pinned down in your comfort zone are all in your head. Most people are genuinely happy to have an extrovert take an interest in them, and the ones that aren't, well, they can stay in their comfortable bubble.

If you see a girl that interests you while you're working, ask if the seat at her table is taken and chat her up. Find out what she's like, and if you two click, grab her number or invite her home.

You'll find a huge weight immediately come off your shoulders once you start taking action, regardless of the outcome.

 

[fsc_old]

This is a quite common advice that you may find elsewhere, but you just gotta look at the positive aspects of your life and be proud and thankful for them. I used to think it was cheesy, but it works.

A little background:
Until a month or two ago, I was on a similar boat as you; I was pretty depressed with my life:

I just typed up a LONG list of how shitty my life is right now, then I erased it because I realized that there is absolutely no point in me posting it. So to save your time, just believe me when I say my life sucks ass when you look at it with pessimistic eyes.

What happens when I look at my life through optimistic eyes? I get an equally long list of all these positive things in my life. Things that thousands of people can only dream of.

Just for a concrete example:
One of my depressing realities: I blew a $7000/month summer internship offer and ended up working at my campus computer store for $10/hr while my friends interned at Amazon, Qualcomm, etc. I'm on my own, this is the last year Big Brother is paying for my ejumacation, and I still have one more year to go before I graduate, so it's a pretty big problem.
Look at it again positively: I received one hell of an offer from a company that I consider is on the same level as Amazon and Qualcomm in terms of prestige. I blew it because I didn't give a shit about my life last year and my GPA is borderline academic probation, but I believe I can land a good internship this summer by making up for my GPA with personal projects. My current job sucks ass, but at least it's not McDonald's for less money and more hours. It's also a school store, and my university is considered one of the best in the world. I also attend it for one of the most sought-after degrees in this economy.

You:
35 is still young, seriously.

From my limited experience, what I've observed is that a lot of my friends and other guys "settled with what landed on their laps" in terms of relationships. I don't mean to criticize, talk shit, or judge, but that's just what I've seen with most guys in my life; guys settle for girls in their social circle or girls who they've met passively in their classes, school clubs, or church. If they're happy, then cool, congrats, but a couple of those guys are openly dissatisfied with their relationships, but they stay with the girl anyway because they feel like they won't find another girl. Only ONE of my friends met his girlfriend via cold approach, and she is a stunner and an actress. What I'm trying to say is, it doesn't matter that your friends are settling down. You will too sooner or later, and with the knowledge you've acquired from GC, you will end up settling down with one of the best women out there.

I hope your future career decisions work out well for you, but your current occupation rocks! There are thousands and thousands of people out there wanting to do something with computers, but they can't because they lack the brains or patience or whatever. There are millions out there, like me, who are stuck with MUCH shittier jobs (in one way or another) than you are.

You don't have to be this super jolly guy when you approach girls. The cool thing about the "sexy man" is that you can be really chill. Imagine the seductive James Bond relaxing in a coffee shop, perhaps with one of his arms rested on the back of an adjacent chair. He's not roaming the streets for women with a forced-jolly mental state. He has problems of his own; mofos are trying to kill him all the time, and mofos killed a couple of women and people he loved. You can also have this dissatisfied side of you work in your favor. You obviously don't want to advertise "hey, my life sucks!", but you can incorporate your situation into being a byronic hero. Scroll down to the list of traits, and you'll find that you can fit yourself into multiple bullet points.

The best way to get out of a catch-22 is to just do it. Just go approach. I spent two full days wandering about with 0 approaches. I felt like a pathetic loser on the third day, but I just went YOLO/IDGAF and approached. Life has been better since then.

I like this:

Hopefully I'll get my career moving in a better direction but that could be some time off and I'm not really in a position to be waiting for that to happen.

I like that you're not waiting for yourself to be in this "prime" position to approach girls. I've missed many opportunities because I thought I wasn't ready--I thought I needed to have a fancy car, pockets full of money, and 0 pimples to get women--I was very wrong.

Just take a break, look at the lives of those less fortunate than you, and look at the positive aspects of your life. Be thankful for what you have, be proud of what you have accomplished, and look forward to all the things that you will accomplish. Most importantly, just do it.

I hope I helped. Good luck and take care.

 

[Zoro]

If I were you I'd organize a bit.

Make a list of goals you want to achieve and passions you have.

Make a to-do list of things that will further your goals and allow you to explore your passions. Get a calendar/scheduler too.

Start cracking down on your list. If you are doing it right, it should be full of things you want to do. This is great for when you have free time just scan your list for something you want to do or have planned.

Being productive gives you a great sense of fulfillment. When you finally do rest you know you earned it.

Most likely you'll have some goals/passions that can be done in a social context.

For example my goals right now are to learn Spanish fluently so I am taking salsa lessons and go out to dance salsa. This over laps with a lot of my goals of becoming more social, getting out of the house, exercise, meeting women, meeting people who speak Spanish, etc.

PS I highly recommend you have physical activity/good habits on your to do list. I dance, do yoga, cook my own whole food meals, soon I'll be taking martial arts, all these things make me feel so alive. I am sharing this with you because I want you to experience life for its awesomeness.

Good luck!